The message arrived in my email earlier today and although I know it’s pointless, I cannot stop re-reading it.
There’s no doubt but that much effort went into its preparation, and I don’t say that just because of the length. Over a week passed between the promise of the message and its delivery; the interim must have been spent immersed in thought and prayer.
Since it came I’ve been more or less paralyzed, able to do nothing more than take care of children and stare at walls. I stare because I cannot hope to change the dynamic that’s grown up in my family over the past four decades. It’s left me as weak as an infant deprived of milk. I’ll be forty years old soon and still I have such an overwhelming need for them, a need that surely in a normal person would have passed gracefully away ages ago.
I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know how to be myself and make them happy, or even how to tone things down enough that we can peaceably coexist for the years they have left among the living. There must be a way I think, casting about fruitlessly. There must be a way to salvage the relationship without sacrificing myself.
Somehow I manage this all the time with my vanilla friends. They know that I write but nothing more. They know that I date but not the details. Is that being deceitful, or respectful of their lives? I think the latter, and wish the same mode of operation worked with the people who birthed me. Perhaps this is misguided. I don’t know.
But I do know this: I get exactly one life to do with as I will. I make choices and then face alone their consequences. Because no one can stand in my place when judgment arrives, no one can make decisions for me. My parents chose the direction their lives would take. They don’t get to do the same with mine.
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurtU2, One
AAG, I know you think that you can’t live without this relationship. However, as shitty and as painful as it is, it is possible.
I found this quote earlier today and it was useful for me. Maybe it will be useful for you, too.
“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.” – JK Rowling, 2008 Harvard Commencement Address
I second Beatrix’ emotion, AAG.
I’m guessing it feels selfish to consider ending the relationship — or even narrowing it down to such a tiny little thing that it has little impact on you and your children — but the state of your relationship with them Is. Not. Your. Fault.
I figured this one out with my emotionally crippled, alcoholic father a long time ago; he’s simply not capable of having the kind of relationship with me that I would prefer we have.
Let them go. You will be healthier and happier for it long term, even if it’s an extremely painful thing to do in the short run.
“I don’t know how to be myself and make them happy…”
That’s just the thing, you don’t have to make them happy (aside from that, we can’t really ‘make’ our loved ones anything).
You’ve got yourself to worry about, your kids to take care of, it seems you have your priorities in order.
They clearly care or I doubt they would try as hard as they seem to be doing, but no matter how hard they are trying, their behavior hurts you. I don’t think that can be excused with good intentions.
Fact is, I have a hard time thinking of parents who would not be proud to have a daughter who has achieved what you have. You’re educated, a writer, a single mom supporting her kids with a self-run business, among other things.
My mom, in a similar situation, chose to move across the country, such that visits were rare and tolerable and communication was reduced to occasional phone calls. My siblings and I kept in touch with our grans, we were sheltered from some of their tendencies, and had a very nice adopted grandmother in our new city.
It would not work for all, but I’m sure things will become clear with time.
I think I’ve probably given the same advice- to let them go- before, but in reality I don’t know if I could do that with my own parents. I’ve worked the past few years to get to a place where I can be proud of my own actions in relating to my mother and let her be responsible for her own actions. It’s a daily struggle, but I know when she dies I will feel ok about how I’ve handled myself, even though I also know we will never be close and she will always think poorly of me. I can’t be responsible for that. I can’t make her want to improve our relationship. I can’t make her see her portion of the fault.
You KNOW you’re doing the best for your children. You know you are responsible and healthy. You know you are nuturing and protecting these little people you’ve been given charge of. Be proud of yourself in that regard and stick to your principles. You’ve come a long way.
At least you find the words to write about it. That’s one step above my hell. If you are anything like me hearing that you are awesome does shit for you. But… there you are… you are awesome. Because you write so well. You know there are no perfect answers. But you write anyway. And you find your way through. To the imperfect answers.
Sorry if notes I’ve written prior have sounded like advice – I have no right. You are a gifted woman who is finding her own way. Of course some will be disappointed. So be it. If the ‘others’ in our lives can’t find the path to meet us half-way, we all lose. But just as they can’t make your choices, you can’t force theirs.
To thine own self be true.
In the end, we are alone. We’re born alone, live alone, die alone. You can only please yourself and hope that those you love will love you no matter what.
That they cannot accept your life as you need to live it is their problem. All you can do is choose to love them in spite of it and let them go if that is their choice. This is no on you, it’s on them. They refuse to openly acknowledge their own imperfection and then project them onto you. There is no defense for that, no shield to protect you.
I hope you find a way soon.
I cannot think of a better way to say it; To thine own self be true!
All of the experiences that you have been through, including their influence, have made you the person that you are today. The decisions you make and the path that you choose are yours alone.
I know that it is difficult, especially when it is the parent relationship, but ultimately ALL relationships must be judged on their own merit.
When one or more more of the relationships one has becomes more toxic than enriching, either higher and higher barriers need to be erected, or the relationship needs to become more peripheral than core.
Take care of yourself, and your little nuclear family, and hold your head high, because rest assured, you are doing the right thing.
AMEN!
You ARE yourself, and you don’t need them anymore.
You can be you without them knowing who you are.
I know this pain. The calls that they are disappointed. Amongst all of my protests of finally being happy with myself, I have not followed THEIR plan for me… so I am a failure in their eyes.
It hurts. And the fact that I do not call to talk to them as much is yet another disappointment they bring up when we do talk.
The entire world doesn’t matter if I am happy with myself. But not having the approval and support of the ones I love wholeheartedly… It hurts to my very core.
I don’t have answers. But it is so comforting knowing others share my pain. I wish you well.
Finn’s got it right. If they cannot live with you and within your reasonable bounds, then the consequences you mention will be tough and the alternative is to lose yourself.
You definitely dont want to do that
I try not to give more energy to someone else’s issues than they give. In my experience, my parents have an expectation that their children will “make time for them and follow their examples as they’ve lived”. As a young person I arrived at the conclusion that I have no interest in their examples and their disappointment is theirs alone.
I don’t keep a tally on time spent and tend to let time be spent with my wife and children and whatever else squeezes in had better be worth it. The parents, seem to slide into my life a few times annually. I have no guilt with this. It is, what it is, and has evolved from the differences as I’ve matured. I believe my entry into this life through them doesn’t equate to a lifelong condition of acquiescence where they are concerned and as life has transpired their contribution to all that I value and cherish has been minimal at best.
Perhaps, guilt is the missing ingredient for why I have no angst about letting the relationship slide with my parents.
I suspect yours have played a much larger role in life.
No parent should ever make their child feel as though they are responsible for their happiness.
Parental love should be conditional. Parental love shouldn’t be contingent on the child perfectly tracing the lines of the path the parent wants them to live. You are a human being AAG. You are not a robot to be programmed. You are not a doll to dress up and put on display. You are a real living, breathing, feeling, thinking individual.
You do not exist for their pleasure. You are their daughter. They do not own you. You are an adult and you have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to live your life as you see fit with or without their approval. They have the responsibility as parents to emotionally support you through your life and your choices. To let you make those choices and celebrate your successes and mourn with you your failures.
You’ve never failed them AAG. EVER EVER EVER… You are (from what I can glean from your blog), talented, smart, beautiful, open and giving. You are lovable and obviously kind. The fact that you still knock your heart against the wall of your idiotic parent’s stupid expectations of you is telling of your love for them.
I know you want their approval. They’re never going to give it to you because it’s a control issue. It’s the only power they have over you. I know you want their love, and I bet you have it, unfortunately it doesn’t come in the way you need it.
Again, you haven’t failed them!! They have failed you!!
If you can accept them for their failings and limitations then maybe you can begin to have the healing you deserve. They are sick, handicapped. Their poor hearts are crippled. If you can look at them like that and see they are giving you all they are capable of giving and that you are living up to your standards of a good human being, maybe you’ll find a way to reconcile your relationship with them.
Sorry for blathering, but you’ve been on my mind since I read this entry the other day and… I had to say something.
Thank you for that lovely comment. You’re not blathering at all. Very much appreciated.
:)
I feel your pain and sadness. I’ve had to draw a hard line with my parents. It took them 20 years to realize that they’d rather sacrifice the relationship they were trying to force me to have with them than have no relationship with me at all. Hang in there, and stick to your guns. You’re doing yourself AND your kids good so far!
All I can do is relate my experience to yours, as weak as that may be. I remember the hurtful letters from my mother, loaded with guilt trips and threats. I burned a couple of those in anger and frustration. But then I chose to be honest and unflinching with them when they tried to confront me about my different choices. My straightforward answers frightened them. But hey, they had pushed me for an answer, and I chose to answer honestly!
For my parents, the big change has come because a younger sibling of mine has completely divorced the family. By contrast I now look like a great daughter if only because I will speak to them. You may not have siblings, so your experience won’t match mine. But in time, some other event may turn them around.
Take heart in the intelligence of your children. Your love and respect for them will shine by comparison, and in time they may become your greatest allies in this struggle.
You ARE a good person, and a great daughter, even if you’re not the daughter of their twisted fantasies.
Come on, you’re 41! You’re not a kid. You have kids. You could theoretically have grandkids yourself (had you started early).
I haven’t spoken with my parents for many years now. I don’t like them (well, my dad anyway… my mom’s OK except that she’s been brainwashed by him and is co-dependent).
You’ll live. Better, you’ll survive.
Plus, there’s another element to your situation which is very serious: they abused you (both of them! looking the other way is abuse too, or neglect at least!) sexually. But that’s thankfully in the past. DEFINITELY don’t let the abuse continue psychologically too, today!
Just a carefully as you protect your kids from their abuse, you need to protect yourself too.
I’m not 41! But the point is still understood. :)