Her first peanut exposure brought no effects more negative than a mess all over the kitchen table. Same for the second, and the third. But before long ingesting something left the child with puffy red welts around her lips and pink blotches over the rest of her. It took several months of allergist consultations, food diary-ing and blood tests before we accepted the truth that peanuts were to blame.
In the ensuing years we’ve been vigilant about her food choices. We read labels religiously and have taught her to do the same. If there’s no label or if peanuts are mentioned in any way, she doesn’t eat it. We’ve educated her teachers, classmates and friends. We carry Benadryl to handle the mild reactions she’s had (averaging about once a year thus far and probably due to traces of peanut products left in public places) and an EpiPen on the chance that some day a reaction will escalate to the point that her airway begins to close.
Most days she accepts her body’s histamine over-reaction with excellent grace. She fears the EpiPen’s needle and has no desire for an impromptu ambulance ride, so she gamely carries alternative snacks that can be substituted when peanutty treats are offered. I prepare no foods containing peanuts or peanut products; the house is peanut-free but for one small jar of peanut butter I keep for when children are far away and I cannot resist the temptation.
Because nearly every commercial bakery uses peanut products, we’ve home-made birthday cakes for all the children thus far. A few (lame) ones have been made by me, but mostly my mother offers up her considerable cake-decorating talents to the cause. She did for the boy’s birthday this year, carefully noting details of the cake flavor and decorations his little toddler heart desired. But when the day of the party arrived, she appeared at my house carrying a grocery story cake box.
“I ran out of time,” she told me. “I ordered exactly the kind of cake he wanted.” Nearly a decade of training snapped my eyes directly to the ingredient label on the box before I even heard her words. And of course the label mentioned the forbidden legume in bold letters.
A surge of angry hurt made me retreat to the laundry room and close the door for a minute. I attempted to breathe deeply while I considered the options: Ignore the ingredient and put my daughter in danger, or acknowledge the slip-up and piss off my mother. Of course I chose the latter, and when I managed to regain some composure, I came back out and set the child and her grandmother to making some peanut-free cupcakes.
I did this in as low-key a manner as I could, assuring my mother that it was no big deal to fix a different treat for my eldest. It is my responsibility to keep peanuts out of her life. I can’t expect family or friends to safeguard her.
But probably I was not as low-key as I intended. My mother was at least as hurt and angry as I’d been. While both she and my father were talkative and animated with the other party goers, they said almost nothing to me. My questions were met with single-word answers. Since then, they’ve not replied to my phone calls or email.
I cannot blame their current anger solely on the cake issue. They’ve been unhappy with me for weeks now, at least since I announced that I was doing the unthinkable by traveling to Florida alone and probably for much longer than that. Eh, what am I saying. I’ve been a continual source of disappointment to them since I was a child.
Unfortunately, the feeling is mutual. No matter how much I want it, I cannot hope them into the kind of loving, supportive family I crave. I’m a very great fool for trying to depend on them in any way. One day maybe I’ll learn.
her grandchild > her pride. No butts. No other options. But then, I know what it’s like to have allergies and food sensitivities and what kind of hell it can make life… so maybe I’m bias? Nah.
As someone who has raised children without the peanut issue… And then has had the peanut issue rise up from seemingly nowhere… I speak for us insensitive folk.
One day, the peanut was not an allergen. Now it is. We need time to be as vigilant as you need to be.
Seriously. We forget in a way that you cannot. However, I did send lunches to school sans peanuts 10 out of 10, eventually.
It took a friend going into shock (not my fault) for me to reconize how bad it could be.
Maybe don’t mix this issue in with the rest…??? XX
i am an episodic reader, so i may be wrong about the fundamental issues you have with your parents. as i see it you have two choices, and only two choices.
first, you can cut all contact with them and sail free of them. this will cost the children more than it will cost you.
secondly, you can let them be wrong. this is the ‘water off a duck’s back’ solution. it will cost you much more than it will cost the children because it will cost the children nothing as long as you hide your own costs from them.
if they had been my parents i would have cut all ties with them long long long ago. i do not advise you to do this – only you can know if it is necessary to do so. i can, however, tell you that it is perfectly acceptable for you to do so. they gave you that right by their own behavior.
sincerely,
weird
I have a terribly ridiculous question to ask you. Please email me if you care to. I need the advice of someone with your life (read: children) experience.
Protecting your child is way more important than her cheap store cake. I agree with you entirely on your decision.
Well if your Mum won’t make cakes any more, you need to buy this: http://www.amazon.com/Childrens-Birthday-Australian-Womens-Library/dp/0949892742/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232611611&sr=8-1
I was able to say to Australian friends, “My wife made me the swimming pool for my birthday this year”, and they knew enough to be impressed, and then say, “At least you didn’t ask for the train!” (I know, I’m 37 years old – but we don’t have kids yet, so she has to make cakes for someone!)
dreamer hit it head on! Your child’s safety is WAY more important than eating the cake that she brought. Why doesn’t SHE see it that way? God damn it, how can the adults act like CHILDREN??
There are days when reading here I wonder if we have the same mother. My mother subscribed to what I call the “Ostrich” method of parenting. She didn’t see it? It didn’t happen. Kid not in jail? How bad could it really have been?
While I am one of those people who forgets that peanuts are a danger… I know no one who has a peanut allergy. If my children had a peanut issue I think there’d be a “NO PEANUT” sign posted at all entrances to my home… right next to the NO SMOKING sign that is currently there. And while I’d let a casual acquaintance slide and hide the treats if they brought a forbidden snack as an attempt to be nice – Grandmothers should know better and if you are tasked with making a cake specifically so that it will be peanut free then you make that cake. Running out of time isn’t an excuse – its poor planning at best and arrogance at worst. That is her saying her grandson wasn’t worth penciling into the calendar.
This isn’t separate but another symptom of an already broken relationship. What you do is up to you – and, well, you’re fucked either way (and not in the happy good way.) My vote is err on the side of your children. I’ve banished one parent completely and the other is not trusted alone with her grandchildren. And to this day she doesn’t understand why. And she looks at it as she is the wounded party. I understand now that she always will be that way and that the only person I have any control over is me.
i have a similar issue: father-in-law who doesn’t care to understand why we don’t go anywhere without an epi-pen. I resent it/him, and his/their attitude scares me; i understand your anger.
My younger sister has suffered a severe peanut allergy since she was a babe, so I’m more than familiar with the severity of the situation. Even though my kids are fortunate enough to be allergy-free, when I prepare snacks for company or other children, I always do so under the assumption that peanuts, even the slightest hint, could = death. Perhaps I’m overly cautious, but do you really *need* to put nuts in things? Nope, so why put anyone at risk?
That aside, I feel your pain with the parents. My mother and I merely tollerate each other, and I haven’t spoken to my father in nearly 5 years. It was difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that his presence in my life was like drinking poison every time I spoke to him. Eventually I had enough.
I’m certainly not suggesting that you write off your parents, but I (and many others I am sure) would understand if you did. It’s awful that so many of us come from homes and families that don’t understand or accept us for who we are. In a perfect world…
You have to protect your kids, who are far more important than anyone’s foolish pride. Good for you for bringing the error to her attention, I would have done the same thing.
Shasta
It seems to me that there was a mistake made. Your mother may feel more bad about not being careful than she is willing to admit, because pride has got in the way.
It’s tough. I’ve been on both sides of that isle. I know I used to have that pride issue, and I am glad that I was able to get myself to someplace normal before I hurt any more people around me.
I suspect that no matter how gracious you were about the situation the response would have been the same unless you had just let the child eat the iffy cake. And then you would have been the bad mom for letting her have it if she’d had a reaction.
In other words, it’s not about the cake.
It’s your JOB to protect your child from physical danger… but it is also THEIRS. They knew there was a peanut allergy… they chose not to read the ingredient label. That IS unacceptable.
You know, hun, it’s OK to NOT reach out to them. To NOT call, e-mail, send little cards, to beg and plead and pray for their acceptance. It’s OK to let them go off by themselves in their little tantrums. It’s OK to feel proud, and confident, that YOU DID read the ingredient list, you DID protect your child.
Did it not occur to you that a healthy, normal response from your parents to your eagle-eyed protection of your child SHOULD have been, “OH, wow, thank god you caught that mistake, we are so sorry!”
I think that others have hit the nail on the head about your job as a mom taking precedence over everything else.
You know as well as anyone that you cannot change your parents.
I had a similar situation, and it led to a complete estrangement until they both died at 59 and 62 years of age. Obviously, I did not expect that. I always thought that we would have more time to at least try to work through the issues.
I do not regret my choices regarding putting my little nuclear family first, because my parents were a toxic and disruptive influence on it, however, I wish I would have remained in at least peripheral contact with them. That way, I could have expressed that even though I disagreed with most of their life philosophy, that I still loved them.
Now it is too late.
Some of the most difficult issues in life seem to be related to one’s parents.
Hi aag! I’ve been a long time reader/lurker, but first time commenter! I read this and I just felt the overwhelming need to comment.
So, let me get this straight? She was upset, no wait, angry enough to practically ignore you because you brought it to her attention that she brought cake that contained peanut products. Peanut products that your child is clearly and has long since been established is allergic to. And she’s angry? Because you don’t want your child ingesting something that could possibly put her body in shock? And now they’re ignoring you?
As a mom of a peanut-allergic kid and two non-allergic kids, I think you did exactly the right thing.
Everyone was operating under the assumption that she was going to make a special cake for your son. She didn’t (which is bad enough, IMHO) and knowingly substituted a toxic cake.
I think you were pretty damn nice to set her up with the cupcake mix, and it sounds like your daughter was gracious about it.
Your mom was not a very good grandmother to either of your kids in this case, or most others. If it were a boyfriend I’d tell you to DTMFA.
I tell my kids that a parent’s first job is to name their kid. Then, the job that never ends — keeping them safe. We make sure they wear seatbelts and bike helmets; religiously checking labels so they don’t die is the same thing.
And these are the same parents who want unsupervised visitation with your children?
I have a friend with an asthmatic child. Her in-laws will faithfully administer meds to this child, but won’t stop smoking around her…and don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.
You know your priorities–hang tough!
I have almost the same issue with my parents. My son gets out of control when he has sugar. For a long time everytime he came home from visiting my parents, he was wired enough to power a small city. I finally got to the point that I told them in no uncertian terms that if they continued to give him sugar that he would no longer be able to visit them at their home. They no longer give him sugar and everyone is happy.
I think you made the right decision. Childrens safety, health and happiness comes WAY before parents happiness.
Good for you for being so vigilant. Having food allergies can be a pain, but reading labels makes it easier.
Also, speaking as a third party there is no reason I can think of for her to be upset here. Especially if she knew about the allergy. Each exposure can potentially increase the chances of having a life threatening reaction!
Better too that she brought a bakery cake rather than nothing at all I suppose.
Kudos also to your daughter for handling it in style! It’s tough to be allergic sometimes!
I had…issues…with my family. Nothing like what you describe, in either kind or degree, but issues, nonetheless. I emerged into the world as an adult carrying a certain amount of damage.
I spent my 20s in a blinding rage, trying to understand what had happened to me. With understanding, I was eventually able to leave most of the anger behind.
I spent my 30s trying to reconnect with my family emotionally. And every time I tried, the same dynamic played out, and I came away feeling hurt, and depressed.
Some time in my 40s, I decided that it was taking too much out of me to care, so I stopped caring. I still see my family; everyone is friendly and cordial. But I no longer play my role in the dynamic that I found so painful.
I didn’t tell them this. It was a decision that I made solely for myself. I didn’t think it concerned them.
But when I stopped playing my part in this dynamic, they reacted. Their reaction was subtle, but definite. And that reaction told me that the problem was real, that it was on their side, and that they were not going to change.
And they haven’t.
I am blown away! How dare your mother be offended – SHE made the mistake and put her granddaughter in danger with her own carelessness!
People are infuriating sometimes, but especially so when you can’t rely on the people you should be able to rely on.
I think the cake was just the icing on the cake, as it were. Their dissatisfaction has less to do with the cake than with me in general.
:)
Agg:
My thoughts are that bad parents cant transform themselves into Splendid grandparents. The key is that you are building the family you crave by nurturing your own children to be better people – and personally by allowing a man in your life who experiences life with you and holds you solitarily when needed. These have become the important foundations for the family you crave. Your parents could never answer that call for you. You are the creator of your life and you can shape the family you want – be it your children, friends, lovers, and The Man.
Be happy Aag – you deserve it. :O)
-ana
Hi I’ve just found your blog.
I’ve been allergic to peanuts all my life (I’m 36 now), and when I was a child manufacturers didn’t clearly mark on the packets if products were made in a factory handling nuts. Good lord, I was playing Russian roulette! In fact I still do – if the label says something MAY contain nuts I take the risk, but if it DOES contain nuts I avoid it. I usually have the meds with me…
I think you did the right thing telling Grandma. Hell, I still feel left out now if I can’t have a slice of cake! My own Grandma didn’t believe in allergies, thought they were a modern invention!
I’m the eldest of four children. One of my younger sisters is literally allergic to about 30 different things. My own daughter has severe milk and soy allergies.
Did this stop my mother from offering my daughter a glass of milk or a grilled cheese sandwich? No. Did it stop the waitress at the restaurant from giving my child a cheeseburger though I specifically ordered NO cheese and made sure she knew that my child had allergies? No.
While both situations (among many many more examples) royally pissed me off (especialy the ones concerning my mother) I eventually realized that my mother is kind of flaky and since she doesn’t have to deal with the food allergies every day like I do, it can be easy to forget.
That doesn’t excuse your mother’s negligence though. I agree that it was most kind of you to offer cupcakes. I know there is a LOT more going on here than any of us will ever know, but I’m still hoping for the best for you.
Oh, aag. I hurt just reading your post. I am sorry that day was so rotten for you. Your reaction was just so natural for a loving and concerned mother with a child who may be in danger!