If you get to the point where you really want him back in your life, then work on rebuilding your friendship and avoiding or fixing the problems that drove you apart. Which may well mean not getting romantic again, or never living together again. Things can never be “the same” now, so don’t beat yourself up on that score alone.

Consider: without “the ax fall”ing, he may not have been able to become the man he is today. He may not have been able to become a good father, a good friend to you, a better person altogether.

Someday your kids will understand that some relationships must end or everyone in them becomes sick and damaged. (And by “everyone,” in this case I mean the kids, too.)

Take it from someone whose parents divorced WAY too late, after too many years of the kind of thing you were forced to endure. I shake my head when I think of how many more happy years the two of them could have had. My father was (and we called him this) The Ghost That Lived In Our House for at least all of my middle and high school years.
Not to mention my college years.

Both of my parents are happy, both of them are fumbling toward healthy relationships and healthy, strong lives. I couldn’t be more pleased.

And Blue Oyster Cult is awesome regardless of its source. :)

Why does love even have the kinds of pain we talk about ?

Then about midnight, another ex D-dials me, and tells me to fuck off.
2009 has got to be better. Best to you all.
And BOC ? That brought on some memories!!!!

Happy New Year x

The most interesting one I see is the one where the woman shuts down sexually with her partner, has no desire, feels sex is a burden.

Then she divorces and becomes a full on voracious slut.

We are so fucking interesting.

I see what you’re saying and understand that at times the confusion of what’s right and what will work seems to build up. I am on the same exact boat as you – well as exact as two complete strangers can be… But at the end of the day, I think that you may see a different side of him because he is now forced by circumstance to change. The problem in the relationship (which would surely reoccur) is that he did not take these steps on his own. His desire to make these changes or to be this “man” for you weren’t there. I believe this is the real problem. While my ex is still the same as he was when I was with him, I have seen him take a somewhat more proactive role with my daughters. While I appreciate his understanding of the responsibility entailed with raising our children, I always keep in mind that if we were together everything would be the same again – because it wasnt just a behavior problem, it was a severe lack in desire, growth, compassion, and passion. I’ve learned alot since I’ve left and I try to keep with me the belief that I made the right decision and would do so again a thousand times over. So, like I said, I just wanted to say that I understand.

I hope you and your family (even the more distant and naughty ones!!) have a great start to the New Year.

-Ana

The reality is that they can’t really change. If you put the old dynamic back together it will end up the same way it ended in the first place.