The door opens both ways, the door opens outward
My heart contains always the one time we kissed.
Only one other, only one other
Only one other has meaning for me
Only one other beside my own soul
You are that other with meaning for me.
–Out of the Darkness, Blue Oyster Cult
When the children go to their father’s house, the mini goes with them as his car doesn’t have sufficient seating capacity to prevent fratricide.
I drove off in his car recently only to have his cd holder fall on my head as I rounded the first corner. I tossed it into the passenger seat until I got home, at which time I attempted to refasten the damnable thing to the visor. In the process I discovered his collection of Blue Oyster Cult. A wave of unbearable longing forced me to take them inside and download them to my mp3 player. I spent the rest of the afternoon listening to his favorite music while I worked.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have, because I found myself missing him more strongly than I had at any point since we separated. There was so little to miss, as the last few years we were together he was less like a person and more like an almost-undetectable ghost.
In the past few months, however, some of him seems to be coming back. This has been most apparent over the holidays, when I’ve watched with a mix of pleasure and sadness as he happily helped the kids with their gifts and even fixed us a more than sufficient Christmas dinner. Why couldn’t he have been like that when were together I wondered, and hearing the music we listened to in bed together didn’t help the feeling to pass.
I can’t place too much importance on this. Feelings mellow over time; the extreme highs and lows wear away leaving something that seems more peaceful than broken. This is good for the children I know. It’s good for all of us to have peace and love instead of hatred or dissent.
None of this makes me wish him back. Things were too far gone for that. But why, I ask the universe and anyone else capable of listening, why couldn’t he have been like this two years ago? Why couldn’t he have made changes before the axe fell?
I can definitely sympathize with you. Thou I won’t go into details of my experience…I do know the pains of what you are dealing with. For me Bacon did change before things went beyond the point of no return. I have always felt that keeping things peaceful especially for the sake of the children is better than being full of hatred.
Around this pain is when I adopted the phrase…Live, Love, Laugh!!! It helped pull me out of some blue times.
xoxo
Lettuce
Sometimes it’s easier to give/be what the other expects/wants when the pressure isn’t there. Just how I personally feel sometimes.
And sometimes you can’t really be yourself when you are consumed with resisting someone else’s agenda.
Sadly, I know this one from the failure of my second marriage, a little less than a year ago.
I now find myself doing things with joy for myself that I would not do for her because she demanded them.
It is very sad to me too.
The folly of mankind is the inability to learn without experience. It was not until he felt the consequences of his actions did he see what he should have done instead. Who knows what he’s thinking and who knows why he is doing now what he should have been doing before, but whatever the reason, it probably came to him after it was too late.
Either that, or it’s how Beautiful Dreamer said. Now that he isn’t pressured to act how a good spouse should act, he doesn’t have the worry of failing hanging over him (or whatever).
I’m probably going to end up asking myself that a lot.
My wife and I met thirteen years ago, when we were both just 18. As much as we still love each other, it’s not working out and we’re going our separate ways as soon as we have the means.
In the end, it’s that old story – we just grew apart. Big shock when you first got together as teenagers, right? But her single biggest issue was my family: thirteen years on, and she still didn’t feel welcome. She didn’t want to be a part of a family she wasn’t a part of.
Thing is, it was just this fall that I finally learned to stand up to my folks in any kind of real way. I’ve spent my whole life as a people-pleaser, trying to avoid friction, trying to tell people what they want to hear (or at least avoid telling them what they don’t want to hear). Then, in the space of about a week, I lose my job, my wife tells me it’s over, and when I finally tell my mother about all this (having held off as long as I could), she tells me “Oh, honey, I wish we had the kind of relationship where you could tell me anything.”
As you can imagine, something broke at that moment.
I’ll probably always wonder if I could have avoided all this by speaking up sooner. Maybe not. Our relationship has been pretty passionless for a few years now. Still, I think the question is going to haunt me.
By the same token, if she turns into…well, you…with her next mate, I’m definitely going to ask her where this was two years ago.
As passionate & lusty as you, that is…see above in re. “passionless”.
Feelings come and go… but Common Sense sticks us to the ground.
Because they can’t.
Oh aag, I’m watching the same thing from the other direction. I keep watching and waiting for my partner to try and go back to the image of what might have been if his ex had only changed. Back to the home and the little family that could have been perfect; if only she would have changed.
The reality is that they can’t really change. If you put the old dynamic back together it will end up the same way it ended in the first place.
Hi Aag:
I see what you’re saying and understand that at times the confusion of what’s right and what will work seems to build up. I am on the same exact boat as you – well as exact as two complete strangers can be… But at the end of the day, I think that you may see a different side of him because he is now forced by circumstance to change. The problem in the relationship (which would surely reoccur) is that he did not take these steps on his own. His desire to make these changes or to be this “man” for you weren’t there. I believe this is the real problem. While my ex is still the same as he was when I was with him, I have seen him take a somewhat more proactive role with my daughters. While I appreciate his understanding of the responsibility entailed with raising our children, I always keep in mind that if we were together everything would be the same again – because it wasnt just a behavior problem, it was a severe lack in desire, growth, compassion, and passion. I’ve learned alot since I’ve left and I try to keep with me the belief that I made the right decision and would do so again a thousand times over. So, like I said, I just wanted to say that I understand.
I hope you and your family (even the more distant and naughty ones!!) have a great start to the New Year.
-Ana
Some people are best together, and others are best apart. I think it’s great that, apart, you bring out the best in him–because that’s not something to take lightly or for granted, either.
Don’t know the why but sure see it everywhere.
The most interesting one I see is the one where the woman shuts down sexually with her partner, has no desire, feels sex is a burden.
Then she divorces and becomes a full on voracious slut.
We are so fucking interesting.
it is the waste that i find hard to bear .. it could have been ok .. if ..
Happy New Year x
I’ve been shut down for a long time. I run into an ex at the post and go into affection overdrive. first hug in 2008.
Why does love even have the kinds of pain we talk about ?
Then about midnight, another ex D-dials me, and tells me to fuck off.
2009 has got to be better. Best to you all.
And BOC ? That brought on some memories!!!!
He could only become who he is today through the journey he has been on for the last two years.
Consider: without “the ax fall”ing, he may not have been able to become the man he is today. He may not have been able to become a good father, a good friend to you, a better person altogether.
Someday your kids will understand that some relationships must end or everyone in them becomes sick and damaged. (And by “everyone,” in this case I mean the kids, too.)
Take it from someone whose parents divorced WAY too late, after too many years of the kind of thing you were forced to endure. I shake my head when I think of how many more happy years the two of them could have had. My father was (and we called him this) The Ghost That Lived In Our House for at least all of my middle and high school years.
Not to mention my college years.
Both of my parents are happy, both of them are fumbling toward healthy relationships and healthy, strong lives. I couldn’t be more pleased.
And Blue Oyster Cult is awesome regardless of its source. :)
Things are better now because you have the separation, and the time to heal. Things got better in a way as soon as you decided it was over and you weren’t going to have to live with that situation the rest of your life, or as soon as you accepted it, depending on who initiated the departure. If you were still together, there would not be feeling the relief you are now, or feeling the need to change that would’ve kept things together.
If you get to the point where you really want him back in your life, then work on rebuilding your friendship and avoiding or fixing the problems that drove you apart. Which may well mean not getting romantic again, or never living together again. Things can never be “the same” now, so don’t beat yourself up on that score alone.
He is in my life. He’s never left. I don’t think he’ll ever really be out of my life, and I’m perfectly fine by that.
:)
Someone much smarter than me once said “you cannot fix a problem with the same level of concisousness that created the problem” which to me means if a problem is going to be fixed by the same person then that person must start thinking in a different way. People dont willingly change without GREAT effort or some external influence forcing them to.