A young couple walked in the firm sand where the water had just receded. “Walking” might not be the right word for it though. What they were doing was more of a ambulatory embrace. Every few feet they stopped to press themselves together and kiss. Once he even swung her in a circle. They could have been performers in a commercial for diamonds. Or feminine hygiene products.
I watched from behind dark glasses, invisible to them because of my age and their joy. Some sixteen years before I’d walked with my now-ex on a similar beach, whispering wishes of an immediate elopement. Why wait for the real wedding, we wondered. Why not make legal now what we were certain would be a lifetime commitment to each other alone?
The couple on the beach will have a few months or maybe a few years of bliss I predicted, watching them run hand in hand toward the line of hotels behind us. They’ll hold on ’til they produce children, then the anger and hurt and resentment will bubble over. They’ll divorce. Maybe someday she’ll come back to the very same beach; alone, older, grayer and slower, and watch another young couple follow the exact same line of footsteps in the surf.
No, I’m not bitter. Just cynical.
Sorry about your unhappy experience…
Amen to that. Diamond commericals, traditional ideas of marriage, and such just plant such perfect little romantic ideas in our head. They covertly and collectively say love is this structured thing meant to be shared with one single other person. To truely love someone you have to put a ring on their finger, never have sexual relations with anyone else, and run hand in hand down a beach together.
Well fuck that love is complicated and fleeting. It can be just as strong for our children, our family, our partners, our fuck buddies, or any human being on the planet, and I don’t need to put a ring on their finger or be monogomous or frolic around on a beach, or spout lines (lies) of “we will be together forever and ever and never look back” ~ zales, to prove it.
*sniff*
If you eventually find the trick to becoming less cynical post-divorce, I’d sure love to know what it is…I miss less-cynical/believes-at-least-a-little-in-the-fairy-tale-me…
:o(
There are moments of really truly beautiful mushy warm wonderfulness. Don’t you have these wiith your current lover?
And then there is superficial bullshit. Alas, telling the difference between the two requires age and experience.
“… then the anger and hurt and resentment will bubble over. They’ll divorce.”
Did the kids thing with wifie number one, did the divorce thing with wifie number one. Decided to try marital bliss w/o kids with wifie number two. Amazing! The magic is still there.
Suggestion to AAG: try marital bliss w/o kids next time.
Hm. An interesting concept. However, I won’t ever be “w/o” kids again. I’ll always have them. –aag
Considering the situation with my husband and I right now, this probably isn’t the best post for me to read. Especially since I just wrote that everything major happened to me on the beach: rape, made/broken friendships, falling in love with my husband, and our wedding/reception.
Unlike Craig, I believe in monogamy, though that certainly doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be open to sexual relationships with other people–only if my husband was included, of course. It’s not for everyone, just as being polygamous isn’t for everyone. Every relationship deserves a fighting chance, whether you choose to love one or many. If it doesn’t work, at least you know you gave it your best and can hopefully remember that there were once good times.
Thanks for making me cry, aag. Sigh.
ugh. I over-corrected. I meant to write “my husband and me” in that first sentence. As an English teacher, I should really be catching these things more quickly. Proof’s in the pudding as to why I shouldn’t comment prebreakfast.
No one takes a red pen to the comments here, Ursula. :)
Ugh. I hate that you’re cynical. I hope someone comes along to restore your faith in love (or is it marriage you’re cynical about?).
I don’t know whether it is cynicism, or just an unflinching assessment of the probabilities.
I was having this exact conversation with my best friend last night, and I asked her if one were supposed to stick with a relationship 15 or 20 years on, when clearly, neither party is getting what they need as human beings, like love, support, validation, SEX, nurturing etc.
Her response was interesting. She said that no matter what the status of a relationship, if it no longer works, it no longer works.
Unless, of course, you are one of those literal Bible people, and then yeah, you ARE supposed to suffer a crappy relationship until one of the participants dies!
Sometimes, I do my best, deepest thinking in idyllic settings like your current one.
Dig deep, and revel in being an autonomous, free willed Human Being!
I have plenty of faith in love. I love love. I’ve felt love for my partners all this year.
Love’s not the problem.
:)
I don’t think you are cynical. I think you are a realist. I don’t think children kill marriages or relationships. Best case, they postpone the inevitable. People grow and change. It takes luck and effort to incorporate those changes into your both of your lives and your relationship. It is easier to ignore the changes until the person you married and the you that got married are gone. Then you are left to wonder what happened. And someone’s feeling will be hurt. And someone will move on. And someone will get left behind.
My first thought was that you were seriously cynical, then I realized, I didn’t even make it to marriage before the hurt and anger and disappointment and betrayal of our “forever” love ended it for us. *I* was half of that couple you saw, and I can confirm the cyclical truth.
*Sigh*
As someone who was recently engaged, and planning a wedding, I hope I can offer another view on this. This post really touched a personal chord with me.
Let me start by acknowledging that most couples don’t make it. Many people get divorced, many people don’t have the skills needed to make a marriage work, and many people simple have the wrong idea of what marriage is.
But no relationship can flourish in a poisonous environment, and that is what is being created here and almost everywhere. How can you expect a young couple to succeed in marriage when they are told that there’s no way they will be able to handle the challenges that lie ahead? How can a couple make their marriage last when everyone makes it very clear they expect the marriage to end in divorce? Marriages, particularly young marriage, need the support, advice, and occasional kind words of others who are more experienced. But that’s not what’s happening. Instead of support, there’s cynicism. Instead of advice, there’s ‘I told you so’. And instead of kind words, there’s only one word: divorce.
I feel very strongly on this point because this isn’t the first place I’ve seen these ideas. My relationship and my upcoming marriage have been judged, over and over again, just like you judged that couple’s relationship on the beach. And the final verdict is ALWAYS the same: divorce! That verdict usually isn’t based on intimate knowledge of the two people involved, it’s simply a knee-jerk reaction to marriage itself.
I want to point out, in the most respectful way possible, that you have no right to judge those two people. As someone who has been judged at every turn since announcing my engagement, always negatively, I feel that I have to speak out in defense of everyone who is going into a marriage with the hope that it really will be a lifelong commitment. Many of us can’t or won’t make it work – but some of us will.
I apologize if I am too harsh or too passionate – my intention is not at all to offend, but to beg for mercy from you and from every person that has told me my marriage has no chance of success: Please, whatever you privately think about marriage, let us make our own future. Offer us advice about pitfalls you have encountered, give us suggestions on how to build a strong marriage, use your own experiences, good and bad, to guide us. If in the end you have absolutely nothing hopeful to offer, then nothing at all is preferable to hopelessness.
I know that of course this post wasn’t aimed at me personally, and I took it rather personally, and I know I may come off as naive or unexperienced or hopelessly deluded, but I hope you’ll forgive me for using this opportunity to get some things off my chest. :)
Of course I’m not offended by your post. I hope you and that couple on the beach have long, happy relationships.
Quite possibly it’s easier for me to say “The institution of marriage failed” rather than “I failed.”
:)
–aag
AAG, I think being cynical shows movement from bitter. I have made the same progression. I’ve stopped trying to talk people out of marrying. I do, however, always recommend a prenup. Ha.
I’m also loathe these days to put all my eggs in one basket. It’s a failing, I think, but I’m doing my best, as are you.
Maybe not as cynical as realistic? Marriage is overrated anyway.
Have a lovely, warm Christmas!
I’m with the Prof – there is a fine line between cynicism and realism. Those who predict a negative outcome without experience are cynical. Those who predict one because of experience are wise. You can put that in your Christmas stocking. :)
From what I can tell based on your past posts, AAG, you are a splendid success as a mother and as a person – I have never read something of yours on any subject and seen failure.
Also, I am rather ashamed of myself that I posted that huge long rant and never said happy holidays, (or happy vacation, as the case may be) so:
Happy Holidays!
May I join the ever-growing list of those that wish You The Happiest of Holidays…May you & Yours Enjoy this Wonderful Season…
man, marriage and schedules are for suckers
OK, call me strange but I got a warm feeling reading these comments; I found out I’m not alone in my cynicism. Except I think its more of being realistic than being cynical. I’ve moved past bitter too but I still miss the me that believed love/marriage lasted forever. I know a loving and fulfilling marriage lasts for some people but that’s a rarity and those couples are extremely lucky.
In the meantime, just have lots of sex! :)
http://www.ComeTogetherGiftBaskets.com
Loved this, an amazing read. Thanks.