Less than a day after my eldest child cried herself to sleep, I dropped all of them at their dad’s house and drove wearily home. I heated leftovers to eat alone while working. With the last of my cold-sapped energy I showered, shaved, changed the sheets, then laid down to wait for the call.
The session was more subdued that usual; I could barely blow him because of congestion and deep-throating was out of the question. Between rounds I told him snippets of what had gone on with my daughter: the tears, the questions, the angst. He’s known me almost as long as I’ve been separated. He’s known the questions I’ve asked time and again. He answered this time without prompting. “You did the right thing, honey. You couldn’t have stayed in that marriage.”
Despite his reassurances, I couldn’t forget my daughter’s tears and questions, not even when my good friend Tony Comstock sent along a copy of his latest film for me to preview. This documentary introduces us to Desiree & Bill both in an intimate interview and in their bedroom.
Near the end of the interview, Bill opened a book of poems he wrote for Desire. Oh no, I thought. I cannot bear this. Sentimentalism of any sort horrifies me. But then Bill began to read:
Tonight I would be the provider of solace, the caregiver,
in the face of all that had afflicted you this day.But when you took me fully in your mouth, small,
yielding, your encompassing warmth and sweetnesswithout urgency or agenda, every door opened,
every hurt and hesitation was healed. I gave myselfup to you, and you gave me myself, whole and at peace.
Would you like to be inside? you asked, looking upfrom your giving. And in a moment you were above me,
radiant, wordless, emptied of urgency and injury,and this thoughtless joy rose in my bones, this joy
conceived in love, refracted in your eyes, easy as breath.Each day, each enfolding night may we come to each other
healed, jubilant and patient, each day of all the dayswe may be graced with. May no hurt ever be stronger
than the simplest act of love. May touch redeem us.
I watched with tears on my cheeks. This is what I was missing. This was why the divorce had to happen. The children don’t understand now — and oh God I hope they never understand — but I know.
Sentimentalism is my middle name. ;-)
I’m so not sentimental, and yet I cried. You didn’t tell me there would be poetry in your erotic documentary!
:)
In my “opinion”, longevity in a relationship is always a result of tremendous connection on all levels: mental, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, and individual. That poem reflects his appreciation for her and shows how deeply he recognized all of who she is, freely given.
Wonderful poem.
And without that kind of connection to evolve with, a marriage becomes a recession. Bit by bit.
I commend you for taking care of your bits :)
Hugs,
Py
I know. Lord how I know.
Beautiful poem. Funny how such wonder could come from such an unlikely place. A wonderful surprise.
Beautiful poem! I love that. You’re doing just fine, girl. Hang in there.
i feel for you :( i hope it gets easier and not harder!
What I wouldn’t give to hear those words. Or anything close. What a lucky lady she is to be so appreciated and attended.
Bill and Desiree happen to be personal friends of mine, and I am *so* touched that they were able to bring you some solace. Bill is an award-winning poet and erotica author, and a fiction editor at cleansheets.com. He’s my personal role model, though I will never get within miles of emulating him. I haven’t talked with him in awhile, though, and didn’t know they did this movie. I just ordered my copy. They’re also in the 2004 video “Orgasm! The Faces of Ecstasy.” They’re my ideal couple.
Please email me if you’re having trouble posting comments. I don’t know what the issue is, but I’ll try to figure it out.
Also, use the back button and try again. :)
Thank you!
You Slut! You are ABANDONING YOUR CHILDREN FOR A MANS COCK!
Um, you’re new here, right Trez? Welcome. Maybe you should look around a bit before you start shootin’ off at the mouth. :) –aag
Trez, allow me to say what AAG is too nice to say: Bugger off and throw stones elsewhere! *Cue rude gesture*
Meanwhile: I watched B&D yesterday and was deeply moved by it. It’s an extraordinary film and they’re are an extraordinary couple. Yes, touch can redeem us.
And Dan, thanks for the info on Bill, I’ll have to look up some more of his work.
aag, yours is the first reaction to our film, which *we* haven’t seen yet, so it’s particularly wonderful to find such a vulnerable, open-hearted engagement with what we did. Big hugs for you, and for Tony and Peggy, who may need them most of all, and the biggest hug of all for finding Dan, with a heart as big as Texas, hanging out here.
We hope UPS isn’t too distracted by Christmas — I’m not sure how much longer we can hold our breath!
B&D