This is so nice
Just might sleep with the same girl twice
They say it’s better the second time
They say you get to do the weird stuff.
–Captain Hammer, So They Say
Not long ago one of my online pals dipped her toe into the murky waters of online dating after a bit of a break. She’d previously used sites such as AdultFriendFinder, Yahoo Personals and one or two places focused on a particular kink she enjoys.
But this time she wanted to try something different. She paid a hefty membership fee to a site that promises a more cautious, leisurely approach. She filled out pages of personality information, then waited for the site’s mysterious algorithms to spit out potential matches for her.
In good time it did so. She was able to view some preliminary details about a small group of theoretically compatible men; then, in order to continue the matching process, she needed to select a group of questions for the men to answer. She wasn’t interested in some of the men, so she didn’t have the system send them questions. Some of the men she sent questions to did not respond.
But a few did. In the next round, they both asked and answered more questions about themselves and what they were looking for. And eventually my friend was left with one potential match. It seemed like a promising one. The man (we’ll call him David) lived in the next town over. He held a respectable position in local city government. According to the information he provided to my friend (let’s call her Julia), he was a few years out from a divorce and just getting back into dating.
He described himself as “a little rusty.” He spoke of wanting to take things slowly: the occasional dinner, walk through a bookstore, movie, or conversation with someone whose life was similar to his. This sounded perfect to Julia. Only at this point did they both indicate to the dating site that they’d like to be able to contact each other via the site’s email. Up until that point their only means of contact had been in following the site’s labyrinthine process of getting to know one another.
Over the next few days they emailed, sharing more of their stories. When the weekend rolled around, they met for coffee. That meeting went well, Julia told me. David appeared upstanding and considerate; more importantly, his in-person stories seemed to match what he’d said online. Julia complimented him on being not nearly so “rusty” as he’d reported, in fact. The date went well enough that they both filled out positive remarks for each other in the dating site’s system of evaluating folks you’ve met.
They set up another date for the next weekend. David was to meet Julia at her apartment so that they could go to a movie together. He arrived bearing a book they’d discussed at their first meeting. Julia was touched at the gesture.
They were early for the movie so Julia suggested coffee. Coffee lead to a tour of the apartment. The tour ended in the bedroom, where…well, you can imagine the details. According to Julia, they don’t really bear recounting, but is that really any surprise? Is the first encounter between any two people the most blog-worthy sex?
Two rounds down, David made to skedaddle. “Guess we missed that movie,” he muttered on the way out the door. “I’ll call you next week.” Then he was gone.
Julia realized, of course, that they’d gotten ahead of themselves. But she’s an adventurous, open-minded person — probably more so than I am, if that gives you a benchmark. She knew before inviting David to her bed that it could be a one-time deal, and even though that’s not exactly what she was after, she’s philosophical enough to realize that sometimes, these things just happen.
She wasn’t particularly surprised then when days passed without any contact from him. But he was preparing for a long trip; to give him the benefit of the doubt she logged onto her dating site profile with the intention of leaving a quick “Enjoy your trip!” message.
But she couldn’t. He’d blocked her on the site.
I find this so puzzling. Out of all the possible ways someone might go about finding a one-night stand, David’s method seems among the most difficult. There are entire sites set up around the idea of finding short-term partners; presumably those would provide easier access to a quick fuck. Why deal with the slowness and expense of a site like the one he used?
Hasn’t it crossed his mind that there are women who want longer-term yet uncommitted partners? That it’s entirely not necessary to fuck and run? Or fuck and run and block?
Perhaps you’re thinking that David was underwhelmed by Julia’s performance in the bedroom? I suppose this is possible. But he’s over forty. Shouldn’t he realize that sex almost always gets better after the first time?
Julia’s got no explaination for his caddish behavior, and 800+ words later neither do I. We’ll never know for sure what devilry David had in mind, but I do know one thing for certain.
He missed out on Julia’s most righteous weird stuff. Poor dude.
I’d be surprised if he was really in it for a one night stand. On this brief information, my top guesses would be:
1- He was underwhelmed (unlikely if she’s anything like you!)
2- He was overwhelmed (more likely, especially if his wife was his one-of-a-few and your friend is more adventurous)
3- He was embarrassed about something he did and couldn’t face her
4- He realized he wasn’t ready to be in any relationship
Undoubtedly, he is somewhat immature because simply blocking someone? Lame.
I have come to the conclusion that men on teh internets are insane. My housemate, after months of telling me I’m pretty denied my facebook friend request. When I, baffled, asked him why in the back hall way yesterday he responded with yelling at me “Why do you think?!” which made me feel a strange LC/Heidi vibe that I was so not cool with. I am not Heidi, I am ALWAYS LC.
He followed yelling at me by complimenting my baking skills (he came down and had a cake I had made earlier that week) and saying that we should hang out sometime soon. Then he went on a date with a different girl.
So men are insane, internets or no. I have decided that I will not talk to them anymore and I will electroshock my brain into being lesbian so I don’t have to deal with them.
Your friend should just write him off as a weird internet man whom she had disappointing sex with, god knows she isn’t the first one to make that mistake. At least he went the ignore and block route rather than the stalk and harass route.
Ya know, women do the exact same thing as David did.
Now I’m curious about your friend’s kinks.
And yes, men are insane. I guess so are women, but I’ve never been on the receiving end of girl-crazy, so I can’t really say.
My guess? He was looking for a girl that wouldn’t put out–some kinda Madonna/Whore thing. Who knows. Peoples is crazy, on the internets or otherwise. Better she should have found this out about him sooner than later.
Maybe this is some new slow way of putting notches in the bedpost, since the fast way is so blase now? Kinda like how I read an article several months back about how there was a new kind of player that went for emotions, since everyone already put out.
Or he freaked out about having sex at all. Men are weird like that.
I’m totally with Snowbunny here. If I didn’t like the dick so much, I would definitely be Lesbian.
I think we find men’s behavior just as baffling as they find ours. Except we actually make sense.
I’m sure Julia will find a man more suitable to her needs and kinks, who wouldn’t fuck and run.
That’s sad, I prefer the second time…
However, ever heard of the psychological concept of “Flow”? By Mihály Csíkszentmihályi?
It seems like your friend’s guy enjoyed the lengthy courtship. He wanted to take it slow. If he’s 40-ish, he’s done the other and found it lacking maybe?
All of a sudden she, being open minded and willing, jumped his gun… ;-)
He probably wanted to wine and dine her, enjoy movies, conversations, form memories to share, develop a courtship which might lead to something fun… Which would be more pleasurable for all the anticipation and intimacies shared prior to the deed?
Sadly, there’s nothing he could have done about it. Once they started in “that” direction that night, there is nothing he could have done to extricate himself from the situation without causing her to feel rejected.
Meanwhile, in one fell swoop the pleasure might have been taken away along with the challenge and reward?
Ironically, despite the stereotypes, many men want intellectual stimulation and a romantic connection, while women just want to get it on, especially older, as women’s testosterone increases and men’s fades…
Otherwise any of AlwaysCurious’s responses are insightful, and yes, his behavior is totally immature.
I agree with Randy.
And if the matching website in question happens to be eHarmony, you need to read this: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2008/11/not-with-my-money.html
And this:
http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/feature/2005/06/10/warren/index.html
He probably thought he was in over his head… It was more than he could grok.
I am schizophrenic when it comes to dating. I can either look for a relationship or I can look for sex. I have trouble with one when I am looking for the other.
He may be feeling that he was taking advantage of (see the last half of Randy’s comment). I could understand that. What I can’t understand is becoming a horse’s ass. She spent just as much time, effort and money as he did. She deserves some sort of explanation not a “block.”
See, this is why I’m not a huge fan of online dating. I can see meeting other kink people through online (especially if you live in a rural area like I do), but meeting someone you will love for forever online on a dating site? I just don’t know – guess I’m skeptical like that!
The minute his feet hit the bedroom floor…or should I say, the minute his feet left the bedroom floor… :-) the outcome was predictable. His feet felt a chill like nothing us ladies can understand. I have had similar type experiences, although none have been so exceedingly childish and callous to block me.
The courage to open one’s heart as well as disrobe is cultivated in many different ways. For some…for many of the men I have had the pleasure of sharing company…that courage is sapped by discovering the passions waiting beneath the surface of a forty something’s rising hormonal influences. I wonder if it makes them feel old, and I wonder if that is why they tend to wind their way to the younger women. Perhaps it is not so much for the more supple skin, but instead, so they can be the aggressor in the bedroom. I’d be hard pressed to find a man with a sex drive as strong as mine (no pun intended) and for most men our age, that is scary as hell. Rewarding…infinitely rewarding…but scary. Fight or flight takes over and usually, they flight.
Condolensces to your friend. It hurts when this happens. I know. I’ve circled that wagon too many times to count.
I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: Boys are stupid. There’s just no other explanation.
And clearly it’s his loss. :)
Yeah, I would say that maybe he was taken aback by what had happened too and it freaked him out a little. Maybe his government position she mentioned? Scared of… oh I dunnno. It’s stupid that he didn’t talk to her about it though. *sigh* I hate the not knowing
I would be really surprised if he were looking for a 1-time fling, especially in light of all the trouble he went through with dates and book. I agree with those who say that he may have gotten freaked out by how it happened so quickly. He said he was rusty, which doesn’t necessarily mean he’s inept. It may just mean that he’s… fragile?
I have the explaination and the experience — he was a man. He wanted sex, but then thought poorly of the woman for giving in. Maybe disliked himself for destroying the idea of possible, perfect harmony. I know I now have a 3 date rule — no sex until you date me 3 times and get to know, and like, me as a real person. (Have a FWB for ‘other’ things.) Men compartmentalize and so should we.
I’m guessing he just freaked out, got scared, and/or feared being caught up in something that he really was not prepared to get into fully, for reasons only he knows. Certainly he did not handle it well at all; certainly he did not consider her feelings in the least. Just plain immature, stupid behavior. Hopefully your friend can just put it behind her and move on without thinking that it was her fault. If she ever hears from him again, an appropriate response would consist of just two words. (My suggestion: “grow up,” although I’m sure someone else might consider a different two-word phrase to be equally appropriate.)
Ah, the majority seems to believe that young David was “scared.” Interesting.
I think that is “bullshit.”
Right now I’m actually wondering if perhaps David was “married.”
I wouldn’t say Scared AAG just probably embarrassed that things had happened before he was ready.
Sure the response was over the top and stupid but still not necessarily malicious. I know that in the aftermath of my divorce I wasn’t necessarily sane or reasonable but I’d still like to think I was nice person, I was just confused that is all.
I know plenty of women who have blocked guys they slept with because they felt embarrassed that things had got away from them.
Big thing here is that your friend shouldn’t take it personally it just didn’t work out.
As for those saying “Boys are stupid” well frankly women aren’t necessarily straightforward either.
Anyone who has been on that particular site will know which you are speaking of and I can tell you from experience that it tends to attract a conservative, “marriage minded” crowd. If he said he wanted to take things slow AND was on this site, he probably was overwhelmed. It is a little childish to block her, but it’s his loss. Personally, I don’t think that site is worth the money even if you are looking for commitment…. too much pressure!
Oooooo you know it? You’ve used it? TELL ALL. –aag
That site is geared towards marriage so I’d put my money on David being the typical male in the sense of “oooh! Pussy!” and then “well now I can’t respect her, she must do that with every guy she’s met and how many guys is that?!?!?” I cannot even tell you how many men did that to me in the past. was on BBWdatefinder, jdate, yahoo, match, e-harmony, okcupid, and plentyoffish. (wow, do I sound like a desperate whore or what?) You know where I had the best luck? The last two and they are 100% FREE. I lucked out (finally) with Bull and we met on the last one and a year and 3 months later, we’re still going strong. Worst luck? The very same site you’re talking about in this entry. Go figure.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he was into a one night stand. A lot of the other major sites like yahoo and aff are pretty much filled with nothing but spam bots. Especially the women’s profiles.
It’s so funny to hear people talk about aff. I’ve personally met dozens — literally dozens! — of perfectly real women from my own little area from aff. Not one of ‘em a spambot. :)
I’m with Finn.
I met a “David” from AFF. Yeah, it definite was a circuitous route for a ONS. Basically, I didn’t worry much about it ’cause the other guys that stuck around for more know what he’s missing out on.
I don’t get it at all. I am a man with a bit of the libido, and my proclivity would be to have another date set up. If the sex was bad, it is an opportunity for me to train my partner a little. If it was something else, I would be man enough to talk it out.
I mean, at the very least, civility and common decency usually require a post coital conversation of somekind, good or bad.
That’s really screwed up. I don’t care what his reason was, how can he just block and ignore her like that? Even if he was too embarrassed to say why, he could have been upfront about it.
I hate people like that, people who don’t even bother to say bye. I’m just glad that, for “Julia’s” sake, that it didn’t get serious before he did that.
Sadly, some men fall for the “I could never date her! She slept with me on the first date” line of thinking. One would like to think that by 40, a man would recognize the ridiculousness of judging someone as not good enough for him because they did what he did.
Just a possibility. Or married (although, less likely with eHarmony).
Maybe he’s just an asshole?
I met a David once, except without the blocking… just general fuckwittery after the event. It came down to two things:
1) Thinking he wanted something that it turned out he wasn’t ready for. Both men and women can fool themselves about these things.
2) Thinking that he hadn’t performed well (he was fine — as you say, the first time together is not always ‘blogworthy’), being embarrassed and not wanting to be reminded of it.
I suspect the same might be true of David. Immature, yes. Still, from my limited experience, there are lots of good ones out there (not all married). She should be patient, and write him off as a learning opportunity.