Not long ago we celebrated a child’s birthday at my house. We’ve yet to do a party at some outside location, such as Chuck E. Cheese or the local pony farm. Maybe someday, but for now I have a surfeit of children and a dearth of nerve.
On that day we enjoyed a houseful of guests. My mother, who is a quite accomplished cake decorator, supplied the pastry. Nevertheless, as a small group of my friends gathered around to admire her handiwork she apologized profusely for her ineptitude.
“What are you talking about?” said one of my friends. “It’s perfect! There’s nothing at all wrong with this cake!”
My mother answered as you’d probably expect: She began pointing out the cake’s many flaws. “No one would notice these,” said another friend. “Especially not little children.”
“She’d notice.” My mother looked toward me. “She’s such a perfectionist.”
“XXXXXX? A perfectionist?” responded one of my closest friends. “She’s just about the last person I’d call a perfectionist.” My other friends chimed in their agreement and added a few well-chosen examples of my actions which fell far short of perfection. Their examples were so very spot-on, in fact, that a casual observer would have been more likely to call me a slob than a perfectionist.
My mother listened but I knew that their stories were unlikely to change her mind. Over forty years she’s developed an idea of who I am, an idea that so often bears little resemblance to reality. It’s frustrating, but I have to wonder how common this is. Do all mothers do this? Will I do this to my daughters and son?
Please advise.
My mother knows little of who I am.
She constantly attempts to force our relationship to conform to the model she established with her mother: best friends
The problem is, she doesn’t actually want to *listen* to anything I have to say, unless it agrees 100% with her thoughts and opionions, and 90% of the time, it doesn’t.
Still she is bitter that we are not close. “Why don’t you talk to me?” she practically sobs in frustration.
“What is the use?” is the only answer I can provide.
It’s not always this way with mothers. My best frined is blessed to have a close and functional relationship with her mom. One that I sometimes envy. In fact her mother knows me FAR better than my own mother does, which is sad.
I am certain that you will not subject your children to the same sort of treatment.
Hi AAG,
Naw. Unless you feed them too much Jello.
XOXOXOXO
C
Nope. My mom has ideals for me she wants me to fulfill (religion), but other than that completely respects me and embraces me as my own person.
:)
no. Though my mother is often dismayed by my clothing, my loudness, my involvement in sex work…she admits that this is always who I was. She sees me better than anybody ever could.
My mother has an idea of who she thinks I am but is not interested in getting to know the real me.
I like to think that when you know better, you do better and hopefully we will be more accepting of our children’s actual selves, rather than what we project them to be.
My mother forced me to choose between my now ex-husband (DH#1) and living at home. Our relationship ever since has been strained, to the point that she refused to come to my second wedding…and she get’s pissy with me over the smallest of things. I suppose I am better off just not talking to her, since it always pisses me off.
It’s now that you have the upper hand re: will you do this to your daughters? I dare say that this is unintentional on your mother’s part, and she probably doesn’t even realise how off-mark she is regarding her perception of you. I’m only assuming this based on what you’ve already shared about your relationship with her.
And now to actually answer your question…no. You won’t necessarily be doing this with your daughters. You’re conscious of the fact that your mother does it with you, which puts you in a better position to not do it with your daughters (which I assume you want).
I, myself am lucky with the relationship I have with my mother. I grew up in a three-generation household of women, and for this I have a very close bond with my mother. I can talk with her about anything. Yes, we are friends, but she’s still my mother. Friends of both hers and mine find it a little odd that we’re as close as we are. Personally, it’s normal to me, and I couldn’t imagine a mother/daughter relationship any other way.
I hope that in years to come your relationships with your daughters will be all you hope them to be.
Not all mothers do this.
As long as she keeps the cakes coming, I don’t see a problem.
Seriously though, I think she cares about your opinion of her more than you can possibly imagine.
What she was really saying was, “I am a perfectionist, and while I can see a problem with this cake it could never be good enough to earn the love of my daughter.”
My mother knows nothing about who I am. She often talks to my sister about how “she wants me to love her.”
We’ve always been different people, since I was small. I’m trying to be different with my son, to teach him to be open. Hopefully it’ll turn out okay.
I read your post as if my name went in the blank. My mother, whom I love very much, is consistently amazed — AMAZED, I TELL YOU — when she sees who I really am.
“I’m proud of you for xxxx,” she’ll often say, congratulating me on something that is basic to my core.
I’ve learned to let it go, because there’s no sense in telling her, again, that I’ve always been/thought/believed that (“No you haven’t,” she’ll say. And there’s no use arguing.)
I suspect, given your writings, that you are taking the time to get to know your children, just as you get to know your friends. I suspect you listen to them and form your opinions based on what they say and do rather than on what you make up in your head. And I suspect that you adjust your perceptions of your kids based on what you’ve learned most recently about who they are and how they feel about things.
And that, aag, will keep you from repeating your mother’s mistakes.
No, not all mothers do this. My own mother did this for a while when I was in my mid-teens but as I matured into a young woman, she became more perceptive to who I am as a person, not just as a child.
I’m sure you won’t do this to your babies. Its hard NOT to at some points, when they’re doing things you wish they wouldn’t I’m certain that you’ll feel… almost betrayed by this change of character. But every family goes through things like that, especially the most loving ones.
Heck yes. To listen to my mother, my sister and I hung the moon and we were perfect children who have turned into perfect adults. It drives my wife crazy to listen to my mom talk about my sister.
Although, I have a suspicion, to her close personal friends, she complains about the way we raise our kids.
I think all parents do that to some degree. It comes with the territory.
A pair of replies
1-My father has no idea who I am. Thinks I am exactly like him, when I am not. He doesn’t understand why I don’t have the same motivations, hobbies, etc. as he. He never will. He’s never taken time to get to know “me” – he’s just invented “me” in his head.
2-Based on the history between you and your parents – your mother in paritcular – that has been well-documented on this beloved site, this is very much par for the course for her. You are not her. There is little of her that is you. I do not think that you will be like this with your gaggle of kids. I truly don’t.
I’d say that all humans do this. We all interact with the representation of the person in our head, not the one in real life. We project like crazy. It’s why we can create a love that only we see or a hatred that burns like nobody’s business. Some of us (not me, certainly) seem far better at creating a close correspondence between the real person (for some definition of real) and the person that they interact with in their head. However, I do not notice any more happiness or sanity in said people with these mad skilz.
But then, maybe that’s the wool I pull over my own eyes blocking out that reality.
Parents raise us- one, both or a multitude of ‘grownups’. They always seem to have an idea of what they want for us, what they think is best for us, what our flaws and our skills are and that doesn’t seem to change after we fly the coup.
Sometimes it might just be best to smile and try and be the person they expect us to be if it appeases them that much. Plus you know, they love us and all that :)
I think some people just prefer their version of what people are. Parents, wives and ex’s come to mind.
True story, I was 28 and at my mom’s house. Her latest husband offered me a beer and my mom snapped that I wasn’t old enough for a beer.
That is…wow. Just astounding. :) –aag
My theory is that your family tends to freeze you in time. They give you some kind of label at some point in your life and then filter every thing you say and do through that label for the rest of your life.
In my family I am stubborn. I blame this mostly on the fact that I persisted when I was not being heard.
I’m so sorry your mother keeps saying things like that. I’m so sorry your mother continues to get under your skin. You’re the best. You don’t need this.
There is no such thing as perfection. It’s impossible to please everyone.
Perfection is death. When you’re dead you’re beyond improvement.
Nothing can evolve in the face of perfection.
Keep up with your meds and therapy. You don’t have to be your mother. (Of course, you aren’t already.) You don’t have to inflict your mother’s pain on your children through you.
It is hard, though. You’ll find yourself saying things at times that say more about how you were raised than how you really feel. You may even discover things about how you were brought up.
Note it and move on.
The only enemy is within.
(…and other platitudes appropriate to the occasion.)
“a surfeit of children and a dearth of nerve” – I absolutely love this sentence. It should be the battle cry of all mothers, especially single moms.
And, I don’t think there is any way in hell that you wouldn’t be able to see your children the way that you wish your mother could see you. You are you. She is she. You have, and will continue to learn from her numerous parenting mistakes. She’s a great teacher, your mother! xo~Sadie
Ya gotta love Moms, but they often seem to have this alternate universe that they set up for themselves – maybe its a coping mechanism.
Maybe she thinks you’re a perfectionist because she doesn’t see how badly she screwed up and how valid your problems with her are? From what you’ve written about her, she doesn’t seem to be very clear on what you think in general. You wrote about how she keeps insisting on having your kids without your supervision despite the obvious reasons that’s impossible. Par for the course, perhaps?
I am a stranger to my mother. She hardly knows me and I know it bothers her, but there are reasons for that which would be really painful for her to acknowledge. I suppose I could enlighten her, but at this point it’s too late, too difficult and probably would do more harm than good.
Our disconnect is embodied in a fluffy, cowl-necked, baby pink sweater. The last thing on the planet I would wear. Even as a child I didn’t like pink. I wore purple. But it’s *her* favorite color and she is shocked and hurt that I never wore it. *shrug*
Some do. My mom’s picture of me doesn’t much match mine, but it’s not a bad picture and doesn’t contradict too terribly, so I let most things go.
Sometimes, though, I wish she would listen harder. At my wedding, she insisted we have a huge bowl of shrimp cocktail. I don’t like shrimp. My husband (and his family) are Jewish. Shrimp are expensive, at a wedding we were trying to make budget. Shrimp, sitting out at a buffet, on a 96 degree June day. Did I mention that I, one of the actual people getting married, really really don’t like the smell, taste, or texture of shrimp? You’d think any one of these reasons would do. But no. She had shrimp at her wedding, and by God her daughter would too.
It’s when she thinks I’m like her that we have most of our disagreements; if she thinks X, why on earth wouldn’t I? When she admits I’m different from her, and can legitimately be inexplicable, we get along best.
Shrimp in June at a Jewish wedding…wow. That’s harsh. :) –aag
After seeing some of my friends’ relationships with their parents, in addition to what I’ve read here, I consider myself very fortunate. While my mother and I aren’t best friends, we get along pretty well despite our differences. I no longer take for granted the fact that the things she doesn’t get about me (and there’s plenty) don’t equal disapproval. Granted, we don’t chat alot about politics and religion…but she realizes that she raised 3 intelligent, free-thinking kids who don’t always agree with her. It may also help that I live 1200 miles away and I’m not raising any of her grandchildren. :-)
While no one can predict the kind of relationship you’ll have with your teen/adult kids, I think you’ve already taken steps to make it better than than the one you have with your mom.
My mother has only come to see a little of who I am because I’ve had to assert that for self-protection & self-respect. But no, she generally doesn’t get me, and never really has. I think part of it is that she doesn’t really even get herself.
Your mom’s behavior sounds like classic insecurity. She was fishing for compliments, but going out of her way to put herself down so it didn’t sound that way. That’s culturally trained behavior, and she’s totally unaware of what she’s doing.
I recognize it because I used to do it too. Hopefully no more for me; it’s really dysfunctional and unattractive.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.
I learned this in school when teachers would make declarations about my “potential”.
But how much people project onto others is obviously variable, ranging from completely to barely at all.
Of course we all interrelate based upon our own awareness, so can’t relate to things beyond our ken.
A great example of this is virtual environments, where there’s a more limited set of cues. It’s interesting to see how perceptive others are and what their assumptions of you might be.
Finally, often people, particularly parents, have a lot of their own egos invested in their perceptions of who their offspring are–challenging that can be shattering, and for self preservation they’ll deny that to the bitter end.
I have absolutely NO idea if my mother or father “get me”, it’s kind of irrelevant to my existence–they love me regardless. My sibling and I similarly have different perceptions of our parents, much based on the fact that we were raised many years apart and they had grown into different people by then (never mind we view them from different perspectives).
We also tend to view people based upon our MEMORIES of them, rather than who they have recently grown to be.
You often see this with significant others, judging them by the past few months despite the fact that they have become new people since.
The cognitive explanation to this sort of behavior is to do with how people deal with conflicting information. In this case, the memory and attitude your mother has towards you, and those of your friends as presented to her.
We generally rate information based on it’s source, and rather than taking it on board and slowly accumulating more and more conflicting information (eg. about you not being a perfectionist) to the point at which our attitude changes, we generally instead simply discard the conflicting information entirely, and maintain our original attitude and beliefs.
In fact, and ironically, recent studies have shown that more conflicting (truthful) information actually strengthens our own (false) beliefs.
A sure way to get past this block is to to present the conflicting information in a way so that she will rate it’s source highly. One way could be in a book (many people believe everything they read in a book, or a newspaper), or from someone she trusts (her best friend, doctor, priest, etc).
When a highly rated source provides conflicting information, often the turnaround in the person’s attitude can be astoundingly quick, and they will often have no idea that other’s have been saying the same thing for ages.
Hi there,
I have to give credit to my mm for this one. She used it on my Grandma when she was “over positive”. I told my mom I maintain the right to use it any time in the future..
“What a miracle your flawed children gave you such perfect grandchildren!”
On a more serious note. I often find the problem is not how well our parents know us, rather how little they know themselves!
My mother isn’t like that. She misjudges me periodically, underestimates me often, but doesn’t have a completely unrealistic view of who and what I am.
My father, on the other hand, has absolutely no fucking idea what I’m about. He has, for my entire life, been lost in his own grandiose ambitions and completely inappropriate ideas of who and what he thinks I am.
I’m 40. The old bastard is 71. It doesn’t end. Well, it will eventually, I suppose.