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Finding a post about oneself on another person’s blog is most decidedly an unsettling experience. I’ve been there. I’ve seen the links show up in my WordPress.org control panel, popped off to investigate, and then felt my blood run cold while reading what someone else wrote about me.
Most recently I felt that dismay after reading this post. I wanted to leave a defensive comment on the original author’s blog. “Autumn?” I wanted to shriek. “It’s not autumn! I’ve not yet begun to write! You don’t understand! You’re wrong! So very very wrong!” But that would have been immature, not to mention disrespectful of his right to express himself as he will in a perfectly legal manner in his own space.
Instead, I wrote about it here, using the exercise to organize my thoughts and to encourage myself to do better in the future. I considered that perhaps the author had a point. I weighed the evidence. I stepped outside of myself for a tiny fraction of a second (so nearly impossible to do, I know!) and pondered how others might see things.
This, my friends, is what mature people do. They take criticism as an opportunity to reflect on their own behavior and then make improvements. They know that others see things differently, and that others are allowed — even encouraged! — to think and write freely about their opinions. Mature people know that if someone levels incorrect criticism at them, it rolls off the back while causing nothing but momentary discomfort, at worst. Or even just a chuckle.
The above suggestions are just a few possible reasonable responses someone might choose after finding out he’s been written about on someone else’s blog. There are other options. That person might, for example, choose to leave a comment written with a mix of anger and crocodile hurt which only reinforced every perception the blog’s readers (and I) had already formed about his actions in departing from the marital abode. That person might send nasty email to his ex in the same tone. He might rant on the telephone to her. He might threaten to expose my full name and address in the comments in retaliation.
That person might defend his actions yet again to his ex, even though the ex had nothing to do with the creation of the post. He might hope to make the case that the blog entry both failed to state “the truth” about his situation while also giving out too much information about him — ignoring the fact that I altered, obfuscated and otherwise left out details for the very reason that they could have been identifying.
He might demand that I remove the post, which he did. And I did close access to the post in question. I did this for the sake of my friend and not because of any feeling of wrongdoing on my part, or out of fear of his impotent threats.
The fact of the matter is that I’m allowed to observe situations and write about my reactions to those situations. I’m allowed to fictionalize details that I feel might identify myself, him or any other players. I’m allowed to maintain the reasonable hope that when a relationship ends, the person who ended the relationship will stop reading the blog of his ex-spouse’s friend. If he cannot help himself, he should at least be very quiet about it, so as not to give the appearance that he’s checking up on his former spouse’s activities.
Our whole lives through we enjoy thinking of ourselves as the heroes in our own small dramas. We need to feel ultimate justification for how we act. Did we do something that we wouldn’t want others to do unto us? Perhaps…but we tell ourselves that we had very good reasons for doing so. This is how we keep getting out of bed every morning, is it not?
But sometimes even the very best of heroes screws up. He makes decisions for reasons of his own — reasons which I don’t judge — but then carries out those decisions in ways visible to others. This leaves the actions open to comment, to criticism, to notice from other people. And sometimes their comments are hard to hear.
They say that the truth hurts, but the opposite is equally apt. Read something about yourself on someone else’s blog that hurts?
Then it’s probably the truth.
Sadly it turns out folks are very adapt at justifying their actions… at least in their own eyes…
I suppose Sherlock didn’t think about the fact that as you posted the story, nobody knew who he was (or if it was even a true story). You have every right to write about things that happen in your life, and it is mighty decent of you to make sure that the subjects are not identifiable. IF he did something exceedingly stupid (and potentially illegal, as it could be used as evidence of threats, stalking, etc., especially if he is also being verbally abusive and making threats to his wife via email) by posting identifying information about YOU, he would essentially be OUTING HIMSELF.
HE chose to invite an AUDIENCE of people who KNOW him to witness the whole incident. WHY is he whining about strangers reading a vague account of it now?
Tell your friend (and you) to keep careful records of all communications with him. His unreasonable, volatile attitude and actions may help her in any ensuing divorce proceedings.
“They say that the truth hurts, but the opposite is equally apt. Read something about yourself on someone else’s blog that hurts?
Then it’s probably the truth.”
Amen to that, sister.
I commend your maturity, AAG, and your straight forward thinking and your approach to writing in order NOT to out someone., Too many people do the exact opposite for spiteful and malicious reasons.
However, your final line is a little misleading, my sweet, and while it may be correct in this case, is not always so. Reading something about yourself on another blog that is not true, and annoys you precisely because it’s outrageous and untrue is upsetting — but the fact that you’re upset does not de facto make it true. No?
Minx got there first. The point is, we can all write whatever we fancy, provided we’re prepared to take the consequences, and that may include upsetting someone and inviting a response. And although these situation may invite a heap of supportive comments, I can tell you first hand that it’s unwise to take such support as definitive – often, those who disagree will stay silent.
Furthermore, claiming truth, as you do in your parting lines, by virtue of someone being upset about what you’ve written is a fallacy, at best. It may well be so in this case, but it’s not unknown for people write things they know not to be true with the express purpose of creating a disturbance, getting attention and causing unrest. Hell, over here, we have an entire tabloid press that does nothing else.
Tricky area. No hard and fast rules, really.
His agressive actions seem to me to reveal at best guilt and at worst arrogance and a domineering nature. Best of luck as you fend him off!
Hmmmmm, I think maybe I’d better avoid having affairs with fellow bloggers! Although Morpheus does sound cute!
I’d strongly recommend not having affairs with fellow bloggers. ‘Cause we’re an odd lot. :D
Sometimes people suck…the truth hurts, but when the insults are immature and vindictive they sting.
Oh Riff baby, I am. Oh yes, I am.
A friend sent me a link to your blog a while ago, I stay reading because you write well. You craft your postings with skill. When someone writes as a craft, there are viewpoints and shadings and boiling things down to the essence, that is not the same as what actually happened. What you write about is your Truth, not his.
You write in the open internet, that means that anyone can find you and read you whether you want them to or not. If you wanted to write for a select audience you should write in those places where you can lock down and control who reads the postings.
As a writer, you should be caution about using other peoples lives as grist for your mill.
I do use caution.
This is why I do not divulge my location, or my name, or the names or identifying characteristics of the people about whom I write. This is why I change details, compress and expand events and otherwise obscure happenings.
And yes, I write my truth, not anyone else’s. But it’s a very big world, and there is plenty of room for all our truths.
:)
The reason you were asked to take down the post was because it was at best a half truth. That you post about your friend and anything that concerns you or her is fine, no one faults you for that, but the “truth” you posted left a WHOLE lot of pertinent information out and was practically a lie. He asked you to take it down knowing that it was not the whole story. Your judgements are based on half of the situation, it shouldn’t bother him however villified he stands, those closest to him know the truth of his nature. But it did bother him because up until then the relationships downfall was to be “amiable” as much as any death of a relationship can be. That appears to have been another lie. He outed himself because he believes as I [name redacted by admin] believe that if you truly do not have anything to hide you can use your name. If people have questions or doubts as to what the whole story is you have to ask both parties involved directly. Then piece it together for yourself. The rest is gossip. Life is too short for the drama, which is all this post is intended to create. Like I said if you want the other half of the story, don’t be afraid to ask him directly.
As for the truth hurting, no, only the lies hurt. The truth in the end, as it always does, sets you free.
Sorry, I’m not printing your name or your email here. Just doesn’t work that way. –aag
Hi AAG,
Well, um, there are lots of serious posts above.
But any fool knows that if you hang out with a writer, they’re gonna write about YOU. Even if they change your name to Wally the Walrus.
That’s just the deal! ;-)
XOXOXO
Chuck
Turning on comment mod. Sorry folks.
I’m tired of being reminded about what might or might not be “the truth.” I get to write “the truth” as I see it. If you don’t like it, write “the truth” as you see it.
Somewhere else.
:)
Just like I tell my grown sons: “I’ve told you my version of the truth. I’m sure your mother has her own version, and I’m sure it’s as inaccurate as mine.”
It’s your life, so your truth is the only one that counts.
[redacted],
The whole point is that AAG intentionally did NOT include ALL of the gory details so to PROTECT THE PRIVACY of the people about whom she was writing. Those of us who don’t know these people don’t need to know all of the details, nor do we care whether or not it is the entire truth. A gist of the story is plenty.
IF she HAD included ALL of the details and had written Exactly What Happened, then anyone who happens to KNOW the people involved would think, “Wow – I know about a situation EXACTLY like that! Obviously, she’s writing about X, Y, and Z.”
As posted, it was a vague story, with enough alterations, I presume (since you are attesting to it), that nobody familiar with AAG or the people involved would be able to recognize it. Apparently, it worked perfectly, if you were involved and it isn’t even familiar to you.
This is NOT a court or a newspaper where the participants are expected to tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But. It’s a blog, meant to entertain, to commune, and to stimulate thought. Please do the latter.
I don’t think that having a critic review your blog and describe it as “in its autumn” is the same as having someone who was previously a friend post what you feel is only half the story of a breakup on her blog so that her commenters can join her in criticising you.
I appreciate that the commenters don’t know who the protagonists are, but clearly your disguise wasn’t enough to stop at least one of them recognising themselves in it. It is not fair to put them in the position of reading a number of comments agreeing with you that their behaviour has been appalling, and feeling that a whole group of people they’ve never met has completely misunderstood them, in circumstances where they have no way of explaining themselves.
I have no idea what the rights and wrongs of the situation are, so I’m not taking sides in terms of what actually happened. All I’m saying is – I love your writing but I don’t think it’s fair to do that to someone, especially not so soon after the breakup.
Katy,
This is why I appreciate good writing. It takes thoughts that I have had and gets them out in clearer ways than I am able to.
I don’t agree that someone you write about should be expected to react in the same way that you react to what you perceive as criticism on your blog – but my comment here is turning into a post, so I’ll carry it on elsewhere :)
As I’ve learned, sometimes the hard way, when you write things about people you know, who happen to read your blog, there are bound to be situations where someone gets their panties in a twist.
I’m all for writing my side/opinion/thoughts on situations that may have very little to do with me. Particularly if I feel that something of value can be found within those post, which I believe to be true in the case of what you initially wrote. It’s a crappy situation, and a good example of poly gone quite wrong, at least from your outlook, which in the case of this blog, is really the only one that matters. This is *your* space, period, nobody gets a say, except perhaps if you were slandering their real name and information all over the place, which you would just never do.
Sometimes I post things on my blog that people don’t like. My first instinct if someone objects, is to show them the door. Let it go, move on, don’t read me anymore then.
Just my 2 or 3 cents.
[redacted], Katy:
First off, the reason AAG doesn’t disclose her information here is because it is none of your business who she is and what sexyness she looks like. And just because she doesn’t list her home address and SS# here doesn’t mean she’s a murderer who has something/someone to hide.
I understand that someone will always disagree with the things she write. Someone will always disagree with something that YOU write. It’s the nature of opinion, and writing about it, which is what blogging is intended for.
A writer will always have fans to support him/her, and criticisms will always appear among the positive comments.
If you do not agree with the things that AAG writes about, I highly suggest that you “Let it go, move on,” don’t read her anymore then, as Shasta puts it above.
No one is forcing you to open up this webpage and read every word that AAG puts on here, and it is unsettling for supporting readers to see your negative comments on this page.
Of course, I respect your opinion on these topics, but it is disrespectful to come onto this site and “try to teach this blogger and lesson or two on what she writes”. It is entirely at AAG’s discretion on who she writes about, and how many mackerels she wants to stuff up his ass. Uh, curtain rod.
If AAG wants to write about how pissed she is at her friend’s seemingly-jackass-ex, then I don’t see the problem in it, and just as AAG isn’t going to “My Girlfriend’s Diary” to complain about his opinion, it is AAG’s opinion of her friend’s ex, and I’m sorry if you don’t like it, go get on your soapbox somewhere else.
Just as Z doesn’t like AAG’s comparison, but he’s gonna go write on his blog, and I’m not going to chase after him and read it, and curse him out (although I am really good at that).
Besides, if AAG puts all her information on here, do you not think that loyal readers like me would go and find her sexy ass?
-W.
P.S. Sorry for getting on my damn soapbox on your page, AAG.
I’m closing comments on this post. If anyone needs to air their opinions any further, they may email me: aagblog@gmail.com
:)