The thing that kept me an extra day from the doctor’s office was the not lack of health care. I do have proper insurance now, and the issues I experienced with my old provider are ever so slowly being resolved.
No, I delayed an extra day in seeking medical help because I didn’t know how to answer one question on the intake form. ‘Twould have been no problem at all if I could have written “Sore throat,” or “Back pain,” or even “Having trouble breathing,” but I was at a loss as to how best to answer the question “What brings you here today?”
I toyed with the idea of going the direct route, because I was almost entirely certain that I knew what was causing the problem. But I’ve been told that it’s presumptuous and annoying for a patient to attempt self-diagnosis, no matter how well-intentioned. And the last thing I needed was an irritated doctor messing around south of the equator.
The subtle approach might work, I thought, though in general “subtle” is not an apt descriptor of my any part of my attitude. Should I write “Having female problems”? Or go a bit more descriptive with “Leaking daintily“? Or would the classic “Vaginal discharge” work?
You can see my dilemma.
Humor might work, I thought, because really, how could anyone not see the humor in the situation? But then the question became wording. As every fourth-grader knows, there’s funny-ha-ha and then there’s funny-strange, and I definitely didn’t want to be the funny-strange woman with the leaky vagina.
I brainstormed some possibilities on the drive over:
- Tuna coochie
- Piscine pussy.
- The scent of fish wafts from my nether-regions.
- Can you smell me now? How ’bout now?
- My vagina’s astrological sign is Pisces, if you know what I mean.
By the time I reached check-in, my humor had waned. I recalled the other times in the past I’d stood at the same counter due to troubles between my legs. The wisest thing, I thought, might be to request that the doctor remove the offending organs.
“You think you have bacterial vaginosis, hm?” she asked. I nodded. “Have you had these symptoms before?” I shook my head no, prompting an eyebrow-raised look from her. “Then why do you think that’s what it is?”
I smiled grimly. “If you Google ‘vagina smells like tuna,’ you get some pretty … er … instructive results.”
Within ten minutes she stuck a prescription slip under my nose with the word “Flagyl” written on it. “Here’s the cure for fishy vagina.”
As simple as that.
And I wondered why I worried. Why would I delay treatment for something that’s almost a guaranteed part of womanhood? That’s not remotely sexually transmitted? That couldn’t be passed from or to my partner?
Even if it had been sexually transmitted, why would that give me pause? Must I feel shame for every single thing that has to do with my vagina?
The fact that I do is fishy indeed.
—
Ah, my curiosity is appeased. I’d wondered about the Flagyl remarks on Twitter.
Best wishes for a quick recovery. It’s difficult to overcome a lifetime of fishy brainwashing about our vaginas.
I have to say, that this has been one of the funniest things I have read.
My vote is for “Can you smell me now? How bout now?”
I was put on Flagyl once when the dr thought I had BV, when it was really a simple yeast infection. Word of advice, when it says don’t consume alcohol while taking this medication…um, follow that advice. Never gotten so sick in my life from half a glass of wine.
My vote is for “tuna coochie.”
I can see it giving you pause. Even if it’s relatively innocuous, and happens to everyone, you don’t necessarily want people to know that you’re having that particular problem right now. Everyone farts, right? Even so, they don’t generally make a big production out of it.
Well, my kids do, but they’re little animals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss8BXkTmArw&feature=related
Just be thankful you don’t Restless Vagina Syndrome. :)
That particular problem is one no one wants to verbalize. You never know quite what they mean by “fishy odor” until you take down your panties one day and the smell seems to hit you in the face. I just love the dance-around when you are asked why you need to see the doctor and the truthful answer is “my vag smells like dead fish.” Erm…
I just got a plastic speculum, and if I was sketchy before about the happenings in there, now I’m positively paranoid. See me, grimacing strangely as I try to maneuver the speculum, flashlight and mirror with only two hands. Oh, the joy.
I always go with a direct route. Once, I had what I thought was a weird growth just inside my vagina, that always ran away when it came time to go see the doctor. So I took photographs. Of my vagina. And brought the digital images into my doctor.
Turned out I was just being paranoid (I was dead convinced I had herpes. When I was a 15 year old virgin.) Turns out my wank habits at the time were, ah, rubbing me the wrong way. And of course I didn’t use my vag before seeing the lady doctor, so they were never there.
But hey, the doctor got to see some photos of my hootch. Go her. She was totally cool about it. Laughed her ass off, actually.
I have access to the student health center, and ever since I lived with strep throat for almost a week last year I run in there whenever my throat hurts. Yesterday was my third time there this semester. Oh wells, its free.
And it isn’t strep, it’s a virus. Like always.
I haven’t ever had lady part problems but I think I’d probably put the doctor off. I think it might be embarrassing. And my gyno is IMPOSSIBLE to get an appointment with.
I still haven’t discussed certain issues with my doc because no matter how awesome he is, he’s still a doctor, and I worry that he’ll judge me. I hate that.
I imagine the doctor has seen it all and then some. And if not, at least you can give her something to talk about.
This might sound odd, but don’t forget to eat/apply yogurt!
Antibiotics work great to kill off the bacteria, but they do not discriminate. They will kill of all the good bacteria too, which can cause a yeast infection *facepalm*. Eating unsweetened yogurt will leave you with some good bacteria in your gut and applying it vaginally can help get a healthy vaginal culture back. (Send in the good bacteria troops to kill off the bad).
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1002.html
Get well soon! Vaginosis stinks (ahem.)
I will second the yogurt advice, for the same reason. Antibiotics are GREAT for killing of bacteria, but they don’t discriminate. One person I know even bought empty gel caps (I believe you can find them at the health food store) and spooned unflavored yogurt into them, and then froze and inserted them like vaginal suppositories. A helpful side effect was that the cold was great for relieving the burning of the inevitable yeast infection.
Just make sure that you buy yogurt with active acidopholous cultures. (Yes they sell non cultured yogurt, makes no sense to me)
I did a power point on BV – I totally diagnosed you halfway through :)
Glad you made it to the doctor ok…even if it took a bit
Y’all don’t think this was TMI?
:)
Too funny AAG. And someone has to blog about fishy vaginas, it might as well be you.
I’m amazed that you would have to put that information on the form at all. Whenever the receptionists at the doctors ask the reasons for my visit, I tell them its between the doctor and me or “I need a longer appointment.”
Pfft, NOTHING is TMI when you write a sex blog, AAG.
Nope. Not TMI.
And, just come out and say it to the doctor, they’ve heard worse!
Metronidazole (Flagyl) is one of the nastiest antibiotics out there, but it’ll eliminate Trich if that’s the cause. And I can’t re-emphasize enough the advice given above about abstaining from EtOH while taking the drug. Also, make sure to finish it completely. The side effect of metallic taste is particularly awful. “Waaaay
harsh, Tai…”
I’ve never heard of retrograde introduction of
desirable strains of bacteria transvaginally, but
if you gotta populate your love tunnel with “good”
bugs that live best at 98-6, I could see how that, in combination with a systemic antibiotic,
may just “do the Trich !” ;-)
Oh no, it wasn’t Trichomoniasis . Just plain ol’ bacterial vaginosis.
And I drink so rarely that abstaining for 10 short days is nothing.
:)
Okay, I JUST got the same thing– BV sucks. I couldn’t figure out why the freak I smelt so nassy! Good ol’ antibiotics, which end tomorrow. Holla!
I will echo Lilly2 and Sanity on the yogurt tip. I like the probiotics of Jarro-Dophilis capsules. They must be kept refrigerated because they are active cultures. This is the natural way to keep the flora and fauna of the vadge in balance.
I am very ANTI antibiotics. They wipe out the bad AND the good bacteria (the one’s that protect your body against viruses, germs and infection).
Doctors love to write prescriptions.