A key is just a key until it turns into a symbol of an entire relationship gone bad.
My parents have had the key to my house since…well, since I got the house. The goal was for them to be able to take care of things for me in the event that my then-husband and I ever had an accident or (let’s say) left for a trip without remembering to feed the cats.
Neither of those things happened. But when eventually we bore a child, they prepared a meal for us as we were being released for the hospital. That was the only time they used the key.
I’ve had their house key since I was a child. When I moved out for the final time I offered to give it back to them. They asked me to keep it. They told me to use it anytime, anytime at all.
Rarely was there ever a need. Only a few times years ago did I check on their things while they were out of town. Even fewer times did I use it to let my family in when we arrived for a visit. They usually were right there at the door waiting for us.
I’d nearly forgotten that they had my key until recently when they sent me a letter alluding to the issues we’ve had of late. Included with the letter was my key. They were giving it back, they said, as a symbol of our failed relationship. They told me that I could either keep theirs, or send it back, or throw it in the trash. But I don’t end relationships lightly, especially not with the people who gave me life. Immediately I emailed, then followed it up with a phone call. We made plans to visit them the coming weekend.
The visit went as well as could have been expected. The children occupied everyone’s attention, and we managed to avoid talk to my problematic (for them) employment. I forgot all about the key until I dug my own keys out for the return ride home and remembered that I’d brought theirs as well.
“Please take this,” I said, trying to keep my voice light, “and don’t ever give it back to me again.”
They moved away as if I’d thrust a pitchfork into their faces instead of a key. “We don’t want it. This isn’t the time to talk about it. But we’re not taking back your key.”
The tension of the day (and the entire relationship) rose in my throat. I still had to change a diaper, round up shoes and get children in the car; I’m not sure how I did it while holding off tears. They came as I pulled away from the house, pondering futilely how horrible a person I must be that my own parents wouldn’t accept the return of my key.
The tears dried up before we covered too many miles, and before the children noticed. They want not to keep my key? They want everything that decision represents?
Fine. I can do that.
Aw that sucks. Its just a damned key; why couldn’t they just take it back to make YOU feel better? It seems to me that your parents grab and reach for the smallest of things to help enforce their disagreement onto you.
It blows; Im sorry =( Atleast its just a key, right?
This breaks my heart.
I don’t understand their position at all.
some people are never going to accept you, and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. All you can really do is show that you still want them in your life.
Bah. that’s a shit answer, I’m sorry.
“A son is a son, until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.”
It is in the natural order of things that a grown man will distance himself from his parents, emotionally or physically or both. My father, for example, lives 2200 miles away or so, and we haven’t seen each other physically in… five years? No, four. (We are unlikely to meet again. He’s in his mid-80′s, in excellent health; when he goes, it’s likely to be like a light bulb popping. I have no trips planned back to that neighborhood, nor any desire to go there. )
But a daughter! Daughters exist, in most mothers’ minds, first to take care of you and then for you to care for her in HER dotage.
AAG, she’s giving you the freedom that she would have given a son. Treasure it for what it is, not for the negative spin that her mind (and yours!) has given it.
*Hug!*
i only just recently got rid of the keys to my parents’ house, but that was mostly because they had moved into another house and the keys were all but useless to me.
funny now, since they’ve just told me they’re moving back into the old place.
i’m sorry things went the way they did. but if that’s how they want to be, then at least that’s settled, at least in some respect. i hope you can work through all of this, though… i cant imagine how it feels to have this happen. but you’ve proven yourself quite resilient in the past and up until now, so i think you’ll weather the storm brilliantly.
They never actually had the key to your house.
They may have had a piece of metal in the shape of a key, but the actual key to your house was never theirs to give back.
They had never earned it to begin with.
i have never before been compelled to respond to a blog.
i couldn’t not say something.
i’m with MammaLoves, it breaks my heart xxx
I was twenty when I found out I was pregnant. Because my ex and I didn’t get married, my dad told me he never wanted to see me again. I was not welcome in his home. I left his house that night and haven’t been back to stay. They packed all my things and sent them to me. Every year, I open my Christmas gifts from them alone. It’s hard to feel so isolated from my dad. Reading this, I just wanted to cry because I understand exactly how you feel.
I’ve only just started reading here (and haven’t commented yet) but I’ve been in this spot. Except that I wouldn’t have tried to give them back the key ;). I did other things, like trying to reach out repeatedly for the sake of keeping them in my life and so my children would have some semblance of knowing them. Thing is, I could really only go so far before someone needed to take a step toward me. It was constantly a game of “If you really care, you’ll (insert whatever they wanted here).” And I decided enough was enough.
I believe it’s better for you, your health and your child not to have people like that in your life. There are people who love you because they choose to; that’s how a parent should be IMO. Don’t feel obligated. You’ve held up your end of the deal and then some. If they chose to cut you off, it’s absolutely their loss.
I’m sure everyone’s telling you this & it’s hard to buy right now but eventually it’ll get better.
I’m sorry this had to happen to the relationship with your parents. While I am on good terms with mine at the moment, there have been a few times in the past that we had problems and didn’t speak, once for several years.
Their problem with what you do is their problem. I know you want them in your life, if for no other reason than for your kids. I know it hurts, but perhaps the best thing to do is let them decide when they want back in.
It just seems as if they’re always finding something to twist or wrench.
I’m watching my girlfriend try to deal with her family, again. After many emotionally abusive years and then some outright crazy, she moved from their house in the dead of night one Christmas 5 years ago while they were out of town. And hadn’t really seen or talked to them until this summer. It’s hard, watching her struggle to retain a relationship with her grandmother and aunt, but not get overly involved or upset by her parents.
I guess my question to her (and you) is: at what point do you stop trying? Is it ever not worth the struggle?
They are trying to hurt you and try to bend you to their will. Don’t give in to them. You are better off without fearing them entering your house.
Hi AAG,
I’ve always felt it inappropriate to tell anyone else how they OUGHT to feel.
But this is the way I would have felt–
“Those HEADFUCKERS — grrr…..”
XOXOXOXO
Chuck
The deepest sorrows come not from lovers, but family.
Bless you and your children.
unending love is ~magic~
My heart goes out to you, AAG. This story sady reminds me of the things we do to each other when we’re in pain. So blind. So.
Sigh. Why are humans so fucking human?
So sorry for how crappy it is for you with your parents.
One would think that they would be happy and proud to have raised such a great capable resilient self sufficient daughter.
I know exactly how difficult it is to have to decide if a continued relationship with your parents is worth the negativity and bullshit that comes with it.
My parents have been gone for several years now. A day or two ago, I was lamenting my inability to speak with them to glean some piece of life wisdom, and then when I began to play that pretend conversation in my head, I realized that if I could speak to them again, we would probably only exchange a few sentences, before they were criticizing me and pointing out all of the ways that I had failed them…… as always.
I’m sitting here at the office, trying to hide my tears. I wish I had some words of comfort. The pain you are feeling must be immense. I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this.
Your parents are grasping at straws, fishing for anything they can do to “get through” to you. It’s awful, it’s hurtful, it’s completely insensitive.
They seem to have an inability to step outside themselves and see the world through your eyes. Perhaps not a complete inability, but they certainly have no willingness to extend any empathy in your direction. Maybe it’s fear, or the narrow-mindedness that often accompanies age and staunch religious belief. I suspect, however, that it is selfish guilt; the guilt that comes from failing someone, but not taking responsibility for the failure. They feel (on some level) that they have failed you, but they aren’t taking personal responsibility.
I’m not sure how to wrap this up… other than to repeat how sorry I am. :(
*HUGS*
Larry
You know, hundreds of thousands of parents would be ecstatic if their daughters not only worked but were able to adequately provide for themselves and their family in a legitimate job, and instead your parents are focusing on what they see as the bad aspects instead of the good ones.
It’s like when you bring home 5 A’s from school and 1 D. The A’s get ignored and the D gets harped on.
I’m so sorry.
While it’s just a key, it’s a symbol of sorts. To not take the key sends such a huge message. You just don’t expect this from people that should love you unconditionally. Take joy in the people that do love you and wish you well in life.
Thank you for all the kind comments. We’ve since talked, and I have every confidence that things will work out well.
*Big Hug!*
I was under a similar situation. It’s traumatic and it took me years to recover. The only thing pulling me through was that I’m a stronger person from it.
And years later, I’m still not sorry that I made those decisions. I do believe I’m a stronger person from it.
People will admire you for your strength.
Hi AAG
I’ve read your blog for a long time now. Your writing is always so sweet and touching, even when it’s sad. You have an amazing ability to reveal anough to make your readers empathize with you while never being trashy. I respect your writing and what you choose to write about so much.
Thanks for showing us that we can always change our lives if we work hard enough.
I’m done gushing.
For what it’s worth, I think you are being very strong and mature in all of this. I’m glad you’ve had a chance to talk with them since writing this.
I’m sorry for your pain, I know it must hurt. I’d be so proud to have you as my kid. And my mom too! You’re awesome.
Words are entirely inadequate here. Instead, feel free to imagine we’re all here around you giving you the biggest possible group hug. Hugs solve everything!
I had a terrible relationship with my parents for a very long time… but we managed to work it out. It took years and several years of absolutely no communication. But we made it. I’m so sorry your parents can’t just let you be you. I know it’s terribly trite to say this.. but it’s their loss. I know it means you lose something too…
Oh… I just read your comment about talking with them. GOOD. I am quite certain your excellent communication skills were key in that discussion. Best wishes for the next round of talks…
X
You are a more patient person than I’d ever be, AAG. I hope your recent communications are more productive than the ones you’ve had in the past. From what I’ve read in the past, your parents need to have the sticks removed from their asses. (bring pliers.) You are a gentlewoman and a saint for keeping the dialogue flowing – just be sure to stand up for yourself!!
**HUGS**
They failed you long ago.
All that has happened since is simply a result of the original failure.
funny my first response… the one i try not to use cause it gets me in trouble… says “send them back their note with a ps that says ‘as you wish’ and include their key in the envelope”
good luck anyway
They’re so very, very odd.
My Mum and I were never very close when I was younger, but we’ve grown closer as she’s grown older and more dependent. Now she’s in a nursing home, barely speaks and often seems distressed, and it pains me more than I could ever have expected to see her so reduced.
But the greater warmth that I now feel for her, and that brings me close to tears at times, is almost magical. I stroke her hand and kiss the top of her head as I leave her in a way that would never have thought possible even a couple of years ago.
But this is all because of her – she needs me more than ever. Your parents, however, need you less than ever because they want you only on their terms, and this is entirely unhealthy. So, why not oblige them and remove yourself as an irritant from their lives?
They’re so very, very odd.
Touching..