aag

Well, it’s complicated. From my perspective, more “mommies” speaking out about their sex lives can only lead to more well-rounded children with healthy self-image and a well-developed sense of sexuality.

(Well-developed does NOT mean “over” developed, in this case–or over-exposed.)

And from my insular not-in-a-custody-dispute corner of the world, that can’t possibly be a bad thing. Anything that brings awareness to the world–fighting slowly, chipping away at a mostly-repressive society breeding kids to believe that, above all else, they should be ashamed of sexual impulse, is a good thing.

But I have to realize, as you do, no doubt, that not everyone sees the world from our own perspectives.

From a reader’s perspective, the mommy-to-lover flow is natural–it’s what makes you a whole person instead of a sexual facade. And my, aren’t there enough sexual facades out there?

I enjoy your posts about your children just as much as the one’s that involve your sex life. I think a lot of the people who are bothered by the intermingling of the two either don’t have children or are less accepting of alternative forms of sex. I think a lot of people also fail to realize that these activities occur when your children are not around. Children whose parents are married have a better chance of finding out about the sex their parents have then your children do probably. Your blog is endearing, funny, and the perfect blend of family life and sex. I see nothing wrong with the topics you choose to write about because this is your blog, and you have the right to talk about the things you enjoy most.

I come to this blog because of the uniqueness. It’s about AAG. Your truth. Grasping on the ebb and flow of your life. Kids, parenting, sex. lovers. Very real to me and after reading the past posts: an inspiration. You have taken control of your life. This blog is part of it. It’s very healthy. This is an outlet for you. Yes? I can understand though about custody and what” could be used against you”. But as some of us know, we must not let fears put us down. Expansion, growth and testing the boundries of life.. freeing oneself is everything.
I consider you a revolution.

My husband and I both blog about our daughter. He wrote a post about her this morning, actually, and about how she told us to “settle down” because I was chasing him, pinching him, and we were both laughing hysterically.

We’ve made a conscious decision - together - that blogging about more than our sex lives helps us represent ourselves as more than just sexual beings. We feel strongly that one of the important lessons we want her to see from us is affection interwoven into life. Another is that sex is important but not all-important. I *love* sex, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the only thing. And I deliberately want my blog to reflect that. In fact, the blogs I love the most are about more than sex. They are about *people*.

We got into an online tiff about 18 months ago with a few people who felt they were violated when they opened our blogs and found stories about the Nursery Lawyer or the Baby Kitty Vet-nar-an. But… *shrug* it’s our blogs and they aren’t required to read our blogs. So they don’t anymore.

We, however, are not in a custody battle nor do we think we are likely to be in one, especially with each other. Besides Jefferson, I know several people who have been driven offline by custody battles and they are ugly.

I wish I better advice than that, really. But your blog is about you, and yes sex is important. And so are your children. Why should you write about one and not the other, as long as you are upfront that you are sharing the little tidbits of life?

sparkle

I enjoy reading your blog and certainly don’t want you to stop writing. I have found nothing you’ve posted objectionable or creepy. I don’t even keep sex toys on the top of my fridge, either. All of that stated, I do think you are placing yourself at some potential risk here.

I’m don’t know where you live and I’m not a lawyer, but my experience suggests that people can initiate a custody battle for just about any reason. The reasons might be bunk, but it costs time and money to defend yourself from the other person. You can’t spend all of your life in a box, just because your ex might go nuts and start trouble. Heck, that might happen even if you stay in a box, after all. However, you should keep in the back of your mind the possibility that your ex could flip out, could find this blog, and could find a judge who is sympathetic to an argument about fitness inspired by this blog. Kind of a long chain of events, but possible.

Only you can judge how likely you think the ex is to flip out. Your lawyer might be able to advise you on how likely your ex would be to find a prudish and judgmental judge. Then you can weigh the risks and make a decision.

I hope your decision is to stay online and keep posting.

I love reading your blog, and I’m not skeeved at all by the juxtaposition of the mommy material with the sex material. Actually, I think the two together give a fuller sense of an actual person– not just porn-tastic sex.

That said, I know a LOT of people (not the type to read your blog) would be skeeved. And a lot of judges are *very* conservative. If I were divorced and knew my ex was the type who would use something about my sex life against me, I’d sure as HECK keep the two as separate as can be. Not because the mix of topics is icky so much as because you don’t ever want something out there with your name on it that *might* (however unfairly) be read to reflect negatively on your ability to parent your kids.

To me, that’s worth being “don’t drive the car” safe sometimes. You don’t want to try and be the legal test case, y’know?

As for whether or not to be up front about your job with your ex– you’d have to carefully consider what you know about his personality, and I’d *ONLY* do so after a serious conversation (or three) with a really good lawyer. In fact, consulting with one (I know, with what money?) about what to do to keep your online identity from possibly interfering with your legal rights to sole custody would be a really good idea.

I agree with Michelle that the two types of posts give a much more 3-dimensional picture of who you are - without revealing your identity - than if you chose to write only about sex or only about your children/ex/divorce. As good as your writing is, I think I would find that a bit boring and stop reading eventually.

I’ve actually wondered how you make the transition from mommy to lover. I have a very difficult time transitioning from my regular life to lover sometimes and would love to hear more about this from you. Perhaps I’d learn something!

I would love to keep a blog like yours. I do have a blog, but it’s related to my real-life work. It’s kind of a marketing tool, so I keep it free of anything related to my relationships or sex life. Both of those are extremely complicated and at the moment I don’t have anyone with whom to share all the details. Not having that outlet is making me a bit crazy and I’ve seriously considered starting another (anonymous) blog as an outlet, but I barely have time to do what I do now let alone start another blog.

So keep doing what you do, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that your ex never decides to fight you for custody.

Transition time is one of them. Back in the day, I would take the first day of six days without the kids, rent a dozen films and watch them all in one day. Then I was ready to be not-mother for a few days.

As for the rest, quite frankly I like the way your blog ranges into different aspects of you, and I have NEVER felt distaste or discomfort. You’re a mother and a lover, and many things besides… and, not to forget, a writer. Censuring yourself would only weaken the writing.

That being said, when I moved to this small city, became known because I worked at the paper, and my name and face was splashed on its pages… discretion was key. And I did turn down a few ah… special invitations because I didn’t want to take the risk.

What are the chances of being discovered?

I wouldn’t tell the ex.

I fear I’ve not been constructive at all.

Oh… I think more of a mother because she talks about sex.

It feels natural and normal.. You are a woman it would be a shame to deny any part of your natural expression because of other’s close mindedness…

If anything your blog encourages others to live (and love) more fully.. knowing that there are ways in which you can do all that’s in you to do without sacrificing..
ahhhhhhh the sweet liberation of butt sex ;)

AAG,
What makes you real and what encourages me to come back is the fact that you don’t just write about your sex life. I welcome what you post about the funny or strange things your kids say and do. In fact, I look forward to those posts.

There hasn’t been a post that I’ve cringed at or one that I’ve read that’s stopped me from coming back (or even thought about not coming back for that matter).

As for the thoughts on telling the ex, well I don’t have enough experience to give you advice. However, I would think that consulting a lawyer would not be a bad decision. I hope you keep posting, but understand fully if you choose to stop.

Lucy

I love your blog and your writing. I love your honesty. I love your devotion to your children. I look forward to your posts and would be sad if you chose to stop.

However, the fact that you asked the question means that you must at some level feel that your ex might just use this site against you. And if you fear this, you should know that this is a very real possibility.

And since your own parents were able to find this site, one would imagine that your ex might find this site as well. It is possible.

And if he wanted to start up a custody battle based on this site, depending on the judge, the outcome might not go in your favor. Especially if the judge happens to be a born again.

I guess the advice I would give is to listen to your gut. And it sounds like your gut is having misgivings about this site and your ex. And if your gut is throwing out a warning sign, do what is best for you and your kids. Don’t let that defiant streak in you make ill decisions that you cannot live with in the end.

There are an awful lot of evil fascists in power right now, and a whole bunch of them rule in custody battles.

You do risk losing your children by doing what you’re doing. If you tell your ex you increase that risk. I wouldn’t say it’s a very big risk, but the consequences would be emotionally and financially heavy should that unhappy day ever come to pass.

I think you should decide now whether you would realistically stand up for freedom at great personal expense in the event of a battle, or whether you would attempt to compromise your values in the hopes of some measure of leniency. If you feel that you would be willing to go the extra mile to fight for what’s right, then please continue. Your writing improves the world, I really believe that. But if you would cave when challenged, then you should give up now, and take no undue risks when it comes to your children– that’s the safest thing to do now.

I personally think that it would be better for your children for you to live with the spirit of heroic freedom in your heart. But I’m not you.

In either case, DO NOT tell anyone about this blog unless you are totally and utterly comfortable with them knowing. Don’t lie about it if your ex ever confronts you about it, but there’s no need to tell him. You’re not telling your kids about it, and to the best of your abilities none of it has had any deleterious effect on your shared children, which would be the only reason he would have a right to know, so why would you want him to know about it? Why give someone leverage over you if it doesn’t benefit you somehow? Telling him doesn’t benefit you– it doesn’t make you a better parent, it doesn’t make your relationship with him easier, it probably won’t make him trust you more unless you want to tell him as part of trying to get back with him, which doesn’t seem like something you want to do, even if it’s a real possibility. And I would definitely try my best to keep everything smooth and pleasant between the two of you. Wanting him to know the real you is understandable. I just think it’s a bad idea.

Just because you’d be willing to stand up for your beliefs doesn’t mean you need to pick a fight, after all. In the meantime, keep up the good work and hope you never have to fight the good fight. I personally hope you decide to stick around.

I appreciate the way you’ve mingled the various topics together and I think it works. Everything seems to fit just so and I’m glad you share both aspects of your life.

That being said, I would keep mum about the blog with anyone you know in person, even someone you think won’t use it against you, and especially not your ex. My ex used my blog of seven years against me in our custody battle last year. While I did touch on my bipolar disorder greatly, I also mentioned some sexual topics (good grief, so minor compared to here), but those were the entries highlighted and waved in front of the judge. I saw my world fall flat as soon as he heard the content. Again, a simple post on national Steak and BJ Day was enough to be labeled an inappropriate mother in Texas courts. Granted, this was Texas, but still.

My creative juices have dried up since then as I feel violated, and just can’t get it out of me even though I have a new online home. I hate to be all negative and scary scary but I had to throw some caution at you. It does happen. People don’t just lose their jobs because of what they write online, they can, and I did, lose things even greater. We as readers truly understand how you can still be a good parent and do what you do, but a close-minded judge, maybe not so much.

Please, keep this up, but definitely keep it quiet outside of the online world. I totally agree with what Sunshine Steve wrote as well. :)

I guess this is the big question now in the blogosphere…

I don’t feel uncomfortable with any of what you write. In fact, I started my own (very much stranger) blog in part because I admired yours so much. But in some ways you’re preaching to the choir asking us if it’s “ok”. Though we surround ourselves with people who think the way we do, the whole sex/fetish/swingers/bdsm world is still very strange to outsiders.

I too often think of the risks of being found out in my blogging. I have left books by Violet Blue laying around the house so that my housemates will know I’m a little, um, openminded if I let anything slip. In the end I feel about it the same way you feel about cars. But then again, I don’t have any kids, and all my partners have the same fetish I do and know about the blog. Compared with your situation, a possible custody battle seems a serious risk to me.

Ultimately, it’s up to you, but how about password protect? I know I’d sign up. :)

Don’t even run the risk of losing your kids. Keep them separate, and the bedroom information well hidden.

People are evil, and just when you think you know someone, you find out that you don’t know them at all.

Why raise an issue that can only break your heart and destroy your life? Just like putting on a condom, play it safe.

p.s. i speak from experience with a very UNFAIR, and unjust legal system in NYC. I wrote about my feelings of hopelessness and guilt after having my boyfriend arrested for sexually assaulting me for years and his lawyer used it against me to have the charges against him DROPPED! The District Attorney arranged a private meeting with me, telling me that I needed to “seek help” because I was a “very ill girl.” And my blogs were non-threatening and more about how I was coping with the whole situation.

Trust me, the internet and the judicial system do not mix.

You know, what it comes down to is that motherhood is a universal concept that comes with a set of closely held ideals that is different for every person. A lot of the time, those ideals are entirely incompatible with sex, or for that matter, a great deal many other things. You force people who read this blog to consider the fact that you’re a human being and not just a writer of enjoyable smut, who has all the adventures that your readers wish they could have without any of the things that prevent them from having all those adventures.

That means that you’re not an escape for people. You’re not neat and consistent, and you don’t in this blog allow people to just get off and not consider that you have a life of your own. You remind people of their own inconsistencies and personal weaknesses.

Yes, this can make people uncomfortable. Yes, this can be a dangerous thing for you personally. And no, that isn’t right, because it’s easier for the people judging you to say “you’re nothing like me,” and demonize you rather than admit to identifying with you. After all, it would open them up to the same kind of demonization.

So I don’t know. I wouldn’t have you change your blog to accommodate the people who feel like all women should neatly fit into one and only one of: maiden, mother, crone, or whore — it makes it too easy for them to force the next person to do the same. But I can’t ask you to stick your neck out for the rest of us either, because I know you’ll fall before a lot of the rest of us.

This is a discoverable document, all of it: every post, every picture, every visit, everything. As far as I know it will continue to be for all time.

What I think of this is not relvant (I like it and you) it is what the judge will think, if it goes to court. You have to make sure it doesn’t get that far. You must do what ever you think will stop your former spouse using it against you. To tell or not tell and how to tell if you do. The decision is appalling.

I just want to give you a big virtual hug and tell you it will be OK your readers will support you but we can’t not where it counts.

The only ray of sunshine is that you don’t blog about doing drugs and it is a pretty damp ray.

God knows what the courts would do with my internet logs i would probably be broken on the wheel.

I am sorry about the negative nature of this comment but this topic has been worring me for some time.

The very reason I come here to read every day, is because your blog represents you as a whole person. Like others said, I have a much larger chance of my children discovering my sexuality than you, as mine is with my husband alone, and he lives in this house, and I can’t seem to keep my hands off of him. Hence, quickies in the pantry with my kids upstairs - definitely more chance of being found than your love life, which occurs much more separate from your kids.

That said, I worry about your ex discovering this, and the implications (especially after reading what another blogger is going through right now). The fact that your parents have already discovered it makes me even more nervous. Would the tell him? If they could find you, could he just as easily? And how would he react?

Only you can weigh all the factors and decide if the risks are worth it. But does your life creep me out? Not in the slightest…

Your posts about your children are endearing, cute, sweet and funny. We all love to read it.

Do you know how many of us grew up thinking that mommyhood probably equaled the utter loss of a sex life? I applaud you, really. Not only for discretely tending to your own needs, but for the way you teach your children.

I have only read, to date, one mommy post that truly bothered me. The woman told about trying to masturbate in her closed bedroom with kids running around. Ok, fine. The door is closed. But not locked. A child comes in, and she halfway attempts to cover herslef with a sheet - but its not the nudity that I was bothered by. It was the fact that, with the child in the room and talking to her about “mommy stuff”, she continued to masturbate. Ignoring her childs conversation while going at it. And even stating that it was going to get her off more knowing her child had been in the room while she was doing it.

It doesn’t sound like the child realized, was too young. But it skeeved me out terribly. Now THAT would get CS on your ass in a custody suit. Certainly nothing you write about.

Dear AAG,

The answer to your question totally depends on the type of ex that you have. You don’t write about him much, not enough to give us a clear picture of him and his attitudes.

My ex is a lawyer. When he found my blog, he sued me for invasion of privacy because I dared to write about how I felt as we divorced (he came out of the closet) and because I dared to share stories about our minor children. I also think he sued because he’s a control freak and it pissed him off that I was having so much fun. I also wrote about my dating life…can’t say sex life because I wasn’t having that much sex, but I did have lots of dates. :-)

That suit finally settled, at least my lawyer says it has. I still haven’t seen the signed papers yet. It cost me $10,000 to defend my right to write. I did not have an anonymous blog, however, and you do, so perhaps that fact alone covers you for invasion of privacy. Custody issues were never a real concern because my ex would have never wanted to give up any more of his precious social life than he absolutely had to. Perhaps your ex would also be reluctant to have fulltime responsibility of your three as well.

One other fact…if you have umbrella insurance, it should cover the cost of defending yourself if he would sue you over your blog. I found out mine did…two months before the case settled, but the insurance company only pays from the point that they hear about the case, and they only pay for the defense, not for any counter claims that one may file.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it…but were I you, I would most definitely keep the blog anonymous.

I love all of your stories…kids, sex, friendships, tools, toys and tots. :-)

Elizabeth

To me, the posts about the sex and the children are also seamless. For me personally, it’s important to not surrender your sexuality in the face of motherhood. Why is it to so many people that when you become a mother, you become sexless? Reproductive status shouldn’t mean you lose yourself. Putting forth the experience of buttsex and bedtime battles represents you as a whole ,authentic being. I would much rather read here than a ho-hum Mommy Diary. I used to have individual blogs for each aspect of my life…one for art,one for sex/polyamory,one for talking about the kids and it was really exhausting to maintain these separate entities. It’s much easier to be one complete person.

First, you know you’re not creepy. No way/no how. What you are, as one of your commenters so wonderfully put it, is a REVOLUTION. A revolution as a woman and a mother and as such you must certainly, um, rawk on dude.

But you know me, AAG, and I’m paranoid. About eight years ago CPS removed my kids briefly because they said I was a SATANIST. (Which, as an atheist, I found kind of odd…) That would of course make anyone (even someone normal, i.e. not me) paranoid. And remember? I was the one worried that your mother would try to take your kids based on her reaction to your blog and your denial of her demand to visit with the kids without your presence.

Still, I think that Sexual Freedom Legal Defense place is full of crap. Why don’t they instead use their resources to DEFEND a person’s Constitutional right to express their sexuality? Instead of encouraging people to hide it? That’s like… telling gay and lesbian people to stay in the closet because bigotry and bias abounds, rather than addressing the bias and bigotry.

I think that you should not change your blog a single bit. I think you are more than capable of dealing with any issue that comes your way. I think you must continue in your revolution. You’re, like, my hero, AAG. You’re like… the wind beneath my celibate wings. You must… rawk on. Dude.

xoxoox

To be completely honest. *clears throat* When I first began reading your blog I was indeed startled to see that you wrote about mothering as well as lovering. Startled not because I think there is anything wrong with that, but startled because so few people do.

Most bloggers tend to keep their “selves” divided: homeschool blogs here, infertility/pregnancy loss blogs here, sex blogs over this way …

I love that you combine it all. I do not have any issues with it, as a reader.

As a mother, as a writer, as a woman with two lovers who writes about it (albeit pseudonymously) online? I have concerns because it’s clear from other peoples’ experiences that it could be used against you, even as mine could, by my ex.

So. Would your ex use something like this against you to gain custody? Do you know for certain that he doesn’t know about it?

If you feel you need to change the way you blog in order to ensure the security of your relationship with your children, then don’t hesitate. You know your life and situation best.

As a mother to a small person myself, I say don’t change anything! I feel like more people need to realize that mothers are sexual beings just like anyone else. If you feel well rounded, then you are. I guess I don’t really have any advice, but my heart breaks for people whose sexual internet writing creates problems with their exes, resulting in custody loss (or anything negative for that matter).

If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

I’ve been reading you faithfully for a couple of months now. I can relate on some points; I’m a mum to a preschooler and have been rediscovering what it is to have a sex life after leaving my ex. You are representing your whole life: kids, cats, sex, lovers, buttsex. To blog about just the sex/lovers/buttsex doesn’t speak to who you are and how you, like many of us out there, reclaim our sexuality after committing so much of ourselves to our spouses and children.

I love your entries about your children. Mine is close in age to your little ones and I can’t help but grin at the images of sand-flinging and bedroom escape tactics. In the same way, I love how you have blogged about talking to your eldest about sexuality. I have promised myself to be open about sexuality with my daughter, to have her know that sex is about more than pro-creation, that there is pleasure and much more to be enjoyed.

We spend far too much time as parents wondering whether we are doing the right things. Who is to say what is the right thing? At 18 years old, I sat down with my mother and she detailed for me things she would have done differently in raising me. Some things were obvious. Some not so much because they really didn’t impact me enough to hang onto for years.

So, please please please keep on blogging about both, in the same blog. You would be doing a dis-service to your readers to separate your parenting self from your sex self.

You should check out: http://divorcingdaze.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=331545

I’d like to agree with all of the other readers who have said that being able to see both sides of your life makes you a very real, three-dimensional person. I’d also like to say that you have changed my way of thinking. I’ve learned from your blog that sexuality does not stop at motherhood, or any other big life change. I’m not a mother, yet, but it’s a very good thing to know.

I’m not sure what I would do in your situation, but I enjoy reading both about your sexual adventures and the stories about your children and I’m not squicked out at all.

If more parents (both mothers and fathers) were open about their sex lives then the idea that parents HAVE sex lives wouldn’t be so disturbing to as many people as it is now. IMNSHO.

As others have mentioned, having both mother-life and sex-life as part of your blog makes the blog that much more real.

There’s my $0.02.

This is such a great post it stops me dead in my tracks of a VERY busy day. I have not taken the explicit risks that you have in my blog, “Zen and the Art of the Midlife Crisis”, but am doing everything I can to tell the tale of a man who has been abused without trying to inflict more pain on my family. Easily, as I begin to date again, I could go where you go. I have considered an explicit blog off to the side, but have not gone there yet.

What compells me to continue reading your blog is exactly the mix you describe. Your humanity as a mother and your lust as a woman are intertwined and you are brave enough to express it. If it was one or the other, I might easily move on to others without much thought.

I do worry about our children in the middle years when they are old enough to understand the terminology, but not experienced enough to feel the humanity. They will be grossed out to think their parents have sex, much less talk about it. But eventually, your honesty will win the day and the “Ex” won’t have the hold.

Just stay clear regularly that your worlds are intertwined but NEVER over-lapping, and I’ll keep coming back for more.

I’m not a mother and I don’t have a sex blog, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I love reading your blog and, from what I can tell, you are a more than fabulous mother to those lucky little people who get to be your children. However, in the current political climate, I would be very, very wary of sharing your profession with those you love and trust completely, let alone with someone who may be prone to childish or vindictive actions (such as maybe your ex-husband is?).

I’ve been reading your blog for over two years and I’ve loved the mixture of topics. Your writing encouraged me to tackle some problems in my marriage, and so far this has been hard but good.

Selfishly, I hope you’ll carry on with your blog. But I have no doubt it could be used against you. You live somewhere in the Midwest, right? From my perch in Ohio, I can hardly imagine a judge taking the broad-minded view. The marginal danger from blogging about your children is fairly small, I think; if it came down to a custody battle, I suspect the main issue would be your sexual activities, and I mean the *actual* activities. The fact that you write about them would only be very convenient documentation. But knowing how lawyers work, they’d use *everything* against you.

But even if you were to go dark, your blog would still be archived in the Wayback Machine. So, given that the material’s out there, the only way to protect yourself is to stay as anonymous as possible. No way would I tell your ex about your blog. I also would be very careful about posting any identifying details, which I think you are.

Not to feed your paranoia, but I assume there’s a paper trail for whatever money you earn writing, helping customers at Eden Fantasys, etc. I’d actually worry more about your ex using *that* as a lever, since it’s also presumably tied to your real name.

And yeah, here’s another vote for consulting a lawyer, preferably someone with deep expertise in custody issues. However much it might cost now, it could spare you untold financial and emotional damage in the future.

I’ll be wishing you peace - with both your ex and your parents.

Honestly,

Although I do really love your style of writing and how you merge both your mothering and your fucking on this site I would still like to make sure your cautious.

If there is any inkling that your ex would find this site (perhaps through your parents since they are at odds with you….they could use it as a revenge tactic) you would need to then separate the topics. Look everyone here is going by their love of your site and the wonderful tales you spin to us. But, a judge is going to look at this and not think that way. They have to be calculating about their decisions and if they think that your bringing this kind of lifestyle into their lives (even if your not) he is going to make a decision your not going to like.

You should really keep your sex life separate from your family life. Its just that simple. That is if you want to be sure that it can’t be used against you later on.

It does not bother me in the least, but I can see how it would bother some people. It may be because I don’t know you personally that it doesn’t bother me.

I think you do a good job here of keeping things anonymous, though.

HOWEVER, if your ex found this site, you would probably in for a big battle. From what you’ve written of him, he would DEFINITELY not approve and would probably call you a terrible mother or something else horrible. I would not tell him about this site.

I wish I could tell you it won’t make any difference at all. As silly as it sounds, people don’t want to admit their parents (their grandparents even) have had sex, and consequently are very close-minded about parents as sexual beings. Even worse is the ‘ex’: You have multiple partners and a rich and varied sex life… Does he? Jealousy can play a huge role in this. You’re gettin’ some and he is stuck with Mrs. Hand for those sticky moments, you see.

Could it be used against you? Yes. See Jefferson for how it can be used. By your ex-husband? Yes. He’s mellowed some, but… (intentionally left dangling, btw). Your mother knows you blog about sex and is very disturbed by it. Could she use it against you? Oh yes. Grandparents have received custody of grandchildren, and although you and your ex are on the same page regarding your parents, the courts may not see it that way.

Basically it comes down to ‘What can be used against me in a court?’ And that’s how I treat my blog. But I don’t have kids.

I think that if you KNOW your child(ren)’s other parent has an issue with your sex life that you’ve got to cover your ass.

Relating something innocent that your child does to something sexual-based: while it’s psychiatric gold, it’s not the best idea.

You really have no idea who’s on the other side of the screen. He could be watching this site and making copies of everything just waiting for the day.

Your ex might not WANT the responsibility of raising your kids, but he will TAKE it simply because he’s that spiteful and because he would disapprove of the nature of your sex life.

I would probably get rid of the box of dildos on top of the refrigerator.

There’s no way I would share what you do with an ex-husband if you think he’s capable of being vindictive. Me might be cool with it now, but in 18 months when you write about the wrong thing that sets him off, that’s when it gets nasty.

Don’t stop writing though. I’d probably keep all mention of my kids out of it.

while i do not have dildos in a basket on the fridge (and wouldnt, i keep all of that in the bedroom), i do have cuffs hanging on my bedroom wall, and the chain for the swing hanging from the ceiling in my room…and my kids are always in and out of the room, and know that their 3 parents have sex (as much as that creeps them out :) )…

none of these things stop me from being the best mom that i can be to my children while they are with me…like you, the serious play (beyond kissing, biting necks) happens when the children are in their rooms at night or not at home…

the fact that you are a mom, doesnt change that you should have or deserve a satisfying sex life…as moms, sometimes we are graded on how much we talk about one thing or another, as if we lose our right to have an active sex life when we have children…which is completely unfair…

i would move the dildos from the top of the fridge if i were you…but other than that, i think you are doing fine… :)

rawk on dude!

peace…

I got no kids, no ex, no blog, no lawyer, so I don’t have anything constructive to add on that front.

However….

Your roles as mother, lover and writer are not mutually exclusive and your blog reflects that. I love that all the different aspects of your life can be represented here in ways that are informational and entertaining. Your sexuality and life with your children have interwoven on occasion–the fallout from your childhood abuse, teaching them positive body image, owning their bodies and setting personal boundaries, and of course, the hilarious things that come out of your eldest’s mouth. (my favorite was the sex positions discussion–ROTFL!)

Another thing to consider is that if you only wrote about your sexploits, you wouldn’t have near as much material to post. I hate when my favorite bloggers go weeks without posting cuz there’s nothing going on. I love that you post nearly every day.

It would probably be safer for you to have motherhood on one site and sex on another site. It’ll likely save you a lot of headache and maybe some heartache. I’m not creeped out that you discuss your children and sex on the same site though. I think it’s very bold.

The thought of it being weird that you blog about your sex life and about your mom life in the same place never even occurred to me. This is AAG’s blog and everything in it is about AAG and her life. Fortunately AAG is not a one dimensional person - she’s a lover and a mother not to mention a worrier and a confident woman - the site reflects that.

I don’t think it should be problematic at all. If a partner wants to fight over children then he/she will find some fuel. If not sexuality than another thing will surely surface.

Frankly, I don’t think writing about mothering and lovering in the same blog is at all incompatible. Do we not write about work and sex in the same blogs, despite the fact that they are totally incompatible?
The problem (and the legal fuel) would come into play if you were writing about say, neglecting children in favor of a lover. (Which you would never do).

Fact is, our lives include all of these things; work, play, sex, and home life, sometimes without clear borders between them. Why should our blogs be any different?

I don’t have time now to read all the other responses, but I’ll just say that I ABSOLUTELY love the juxtaposition of motherhood and sexy-stuff on your blog, because that’s what’s real! Unless you’re a childless porn-star with no other interests in life, that is. But I’d like to think most people with kids still have sex and think about sex (maybe not as much as me, and you, and the other readers here!). That’s definitely what draws me to your blog day after day.

I definitely think, though, that divulging to the ex is REALLY risky unless you have some clarity from a lawyer first that it can’t be used against you in your state. Seems like too big a risk to me, especially considering how much you love your children, something that is clear in every single post about them.

I think you do a good enough job of balancing these two items already. I have zero qualms about anything Ive read here. In fact I do enjoy the switch from sex to moments in the yard with the kids. I think if the ex has any issue with this blog it would of come up before and if he decides its an issue now would be petty on his part. Keep up the good work Ms AAG and I will continue reading.

I feel like your parenting is an integral part of you, and your daily life, and while the blog is Always Aroused Girl

…your readers would come to see a very flat, static AAG.

I feel like you have made it pretty clear that you are first a loving, responsible mother, and that is your primary responsibility.

Which, sadly, means that you should be prepared to, and defend against, be vilified as a danger to your children because you dare to talk about a non-”traditional” sex life online. Clearly, talking about it online on the same pages you talk about mothering means that you are also partaking of this sex life at the same time you’re mothering. If you’re so open online, SURELY!!!! you have no concept of boundaries or what’s appropriate, and you take no steps at all to keep the kids and lovers separate.

It’s not fair, it’s not how it should be, and above all else, it’s wrong. About as wrong as some people claim your sex life is.

I would love it if you could keep the same two subjects on the same blog. But if the parents know about it, the ex either already does, or will. You’re the one who knows him, not us, but were I in your shoes, I’d assume that he’ll assume the worst of you, and use anything he can to get what he wants, or to take things away from you that you enjoy.

If you do separate the two blogs, please do your readers a favor, and somehow let us know about the mommy blog <3

AAG-

Blunt & to the point: I like that you blog about your WHOLE life. And I see you as a complex and rich individual because of it.

Are you concerned about your ex discovering your career because your mother’s purient reaction is making you question how all others perceive you? Your ex hasn’t said anything because your children are happy & normal when they visit him, which is a good sign. If you want to be proactive and share this information with him, then do so. You don’t have to spell out every detail, and you can still share enough that you won’t feel like you’re hiding anything. His response may be surprisingly anticlimactic.

AG: Personally, I read your blog because of that wonderful mix. It shows you are a whole person, a ‘real’ person, multifaceted and very human.

I read and enjoy your blog because of the full dimension of your writing. It is clear that your children are raised with love and affection, and with due care that they are not affected in any way by your full and varied life (beyond benefiting from a happy mom) - what more could anyone ask for?

I don’t think you should be asking whether your actions skeeve people or please them — obviously that answer will be entirely subjective. I imagine most of the people who read this blog (myself included) would not be disturbed by the proximity of your posts about sex to your posts about your children. We enjoy reading about you as an entire person. If you’re feeling shaken by what has happened recently in the blogosphere, keep in mind that your situation is quite different. You are not an alcoholic, unemployed parent who uses your children’s beds to host widely publicized sex parties. (And trust me, the substance abuse and the lack of ability to support his children is at the heart of the custody suit we have been reading about — NOT bisexuality or the freedom to blog about it.)

The important questions (in my opinion) to ask yourself are 1) do I do anything that isn’t in the best interests of my children? If the answer to that is no, then I think you should (if you’ll forgive the cliche) pursue your bliss. Do what makes you happy. If you enjoy having sex and writing about it, by all means do! Keep in mind that a custody suit CANNOT be brought based solely on legal sexual practices. Parents have the right to have sex, after all! You have the right to use your body the way you choose to, and it has nothing to do with your fitness as a mother.

I think your other commenters have said pretty much everything… there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keeping it carefully anonymous and to yourself will likely prevent problems. I worry sometimes about the same kinds of issues, except that I have a current, not an ex. I think being very careful is all you can do, but you can’t stop living your life the way you want to.

By the way… someone mentioned the Way Back Machine. Did you know that if your blog is there, you can request for it to be removed? The information on how to do so is on the website. I went through that process recently with a previous blog. It doesn’t mean that no one out there has a copy… nothing I can do about that… but no one new can come across it now.

Thank you, yes. I’m removed from the Archive. :) –aag

As a blogger myself, I view the blog as your world. You are both a mother and a lover, so it doesn’t seem odd to me for them to be on the same blog. It’s honest; it’s how life is. I also don’t think the sexuality you have separate and not in front of your children determines your capacity as a parent. However, there is still a lot of stigma with sex and certain sexual behaviors. Maybe it shouldn’t be held against you, but it could be. And while I don’t think that is fair, you still have to protect yourself and your children. I can’t advise you on what to do; only you can decide what’s really right for you, but I would be tempted to say being honest would be better than hiding it. But I don’t know your ex, so all I can do is wish you luck. :)

How is it that a mother who enjoys sex (in it’s various safe, sane ways) has to worry about losing custody of her children? Don’t parents have sex? I would say for the most part: probably. They do it in a way that’s discreet, but let’s face it. Kids will find out about stuff eventually. Why is it different? Because you’re not married to the men you’re sleeping with? How could that possibly harm your children?

More parents need to be more open about sex with their young children. (I’m not a parent, so as a previous poster said, take me with a grain of salt.) If parents spoke with their children honestly about sex and relationships, self-esteem and safety, then we could have a whole generation that begins to have a healthy dose of reality.

I really hope that the day never comes that you have to defend your actions to some stodgy judge who still thinks that people should be virgins when they get married. This the year 2008 and we all need to realize that sex happens. Why *shouldn’t* we talk about it???

Well ::chuckle:: quite frankly when I came across your blog I was interested in how someone could “always be aroused.” I was curious to see how someone can always be in the mood for luvin. Thought I could learn something.

While titillating, it was also refreshing for me to read that you’re not always a horn-dog! I like that I don’t know which AAG I’ll read in the mornings. Soft and motherly, introspective or a sexy vixen. You’re human. Not just a walking vagina.

That’s why I keep coming back to your blog.

Except for the (not insignificant) alphabetical advance I’ve gotten from that name, I’ve rued the choice more times that you can possibly imagine. :) -aag

I don’t believe that “mommyhood” and sex need to be separated in any kind of media that is geared toward adults. I think that part of the reason women are stigmatized so much for their sexuality is because people honestly just don’t KNOW that mothers are sexual. They have this whole slut/madonna dichotomy set up that they really believe to be true, because they want it to be true. I think it’s important for you to be who you are, even if it doesn’t fit with others’ preconceptions. How else are people going to learn?

Huh?

We, the mysterious public engages in sexual activity and also (separately) spend much of our lives raising children. Why would anyone imagine you aren’t like the rest of us?

That’s normal.

Strange would be denying your involvements, and taking that too a great degree, possibly even unhealthy.

Historically children were not so removed from our sexuality. Western society has since taught that denying such knowledge from them is appropriate, causing all sorts of problems and providing lots of revenue for therapists. Heh…

Hopefully sometime in the future love will be appreciated more than violence or repression. Until then, I believe your voice is part of the solution, demonstrating a healthy balance.

Blog on please, as you feel is appropriate, help society grow! :-)

I came here to read about the sex, but I come back to read about the kids and family and relationships.

Your blog is a good juxtaposition of the gamut of experiences you have in your life. It has the good, the bad, and pretty and the ugly in it. Which is exactly why it is so interesting.

However, if anyone you know in real life has it out for you - and tells your ex - he very may well use it against you in a custody hearing.

And if you have an uptight judge, he will rule against you without ever putting his real reasons into words.

So you may be cutting your own throat with this blog. Then again, it’s already out there, and has been for some time. I don’t see how continuing could be any worse in a court’s eyes.

Deleting it would be a shame… Would it be safest ? And then start all over with a new address where nobosy knew who you were ? Probably so.

Be a lot of work for you, but might save your behind. But then again there is ‘the way back machine’… Oh hell, AAG, I don’t know.

I always got nailed when I thought I could do something and had good intentions but the other peson disagreed upon finding out, and it cost me everything with them.

Maybe you have better luck than me.

I honestly feel like the mothering and fucking stories both belong here. The stories you write show two sides of a person but don’t have that disconnect that makes it seem like you are two different people. I know other sex bloggers who have other blogs and when reading them separately it seems very much like they are two different people.

Honestly, if you are worried then it may be something to consider, but I certainly have never been squiked out reading your posts whether they were about the buttsex or the sand flinging.

i decided not to read the comments first… but i will read them as your comments always give me food for thought.

i have this cousin, her mom is a ’slut’ and she is a virgin into her late twenties and she’s quite religious and i see the way she talks about her mom. her mom and the boys, her mom and the pot…

i think that the key here is to keep it seriously away from your children and to be open and frank and unafraid and approving as you are but to also not be casual about what they do and don’t see.

hrm… i think you’re already doing this to a great extent but i think it’s worth saying that it’s a long trip and i think being just a little more cautious than you want to be can’t really hurt

personally i find you interesting because you talk about all of these things. i want to have kids, i’ve even tried a little and i still want to be sexy and have a life when i do that.

you help me to remember that it’s possible … that i can be both things at once.

i happen to have another blog which clients and family read so i started my anonymous blog to talk about things that were none of their business.

i like to think i’m the same either way but i do sometimes wish i could post those other posts to b.i.g. … i want my readers to see them too… well some of them.

:)

you have to do what feels right to you and so far, if the approval of another blogger matters a whit to you, you have my respect and i think your kids are lucky to have you.

Not the least bit skeeved, aag. It is clear that everything is on the up and up at your household. For all the focus this blog may have on sex, I still don’t see it as anything close to being exclusively that. This is the blog of a person, a mother and a pervert.

It’s compelling and honest writing. I hope you are able to continue writing it.

Btw, I didn’t mean to imply in any way that what you do here is wrong. It’s all extremely good reading. And in real life the two (sex and kids) aren’t mutually exclusive.

But……if there’s the slightest chance that your ex could use it to take away your kids (ESPECIALLY if you live in podunk, bible-thumpin’ America) don’t risk it.

My friend recommended me a very interesting place ? AffluentMeet.com ? It’s a wonderful place to date the millionaire and celebs!

First, I appreciate your writing and I hope that it doesn’t go away. Second, divorcing your sexuality from the rest of your life is (to me) bowing to the Madonna/Whore machine. Face it, without sex, there wouldn’t be children.

All that said, my first divorce was terribly nasty and involved three custody fights over 6 years. It began in 1992 when I was 23 years old. I found myself speechless when my ex’s attorney in Ohio painted me a cheap whore because I had a social life when my son was at his father’s house. I actually asked the custody investigator/social worker, “What? He’s with his dad. Am I supposed to knit, go to church, and cry until my son is back at my house? Screw that, I’m 20-something years old and single!”

The social worker actually told me that I should not go out so much to show the judge that I was a dedicated mom. WTF? Should I trade my Geo Metro in for a minivan too? Then his dad failed a drug test and that was game over (round one, anyway). Round two, I was beyond broke, but I took a second job bartending to pay the legal bills. OH MY GOD. She’s in the BAR ALL THE TIME! I told the social worker, “At least I’m on the money-making side of it.”

Round three? I was out of resources, financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. The grounds for the filing was that I met folks on the internet and that was a scary place - not that any of those “freaks” ever met my kid. My son went to live with his dad and I was ordered to pay child support - although his dad had avoided paying much of anything by keeping this in the courts. It’s sad to admit, but I realized that paying child support cost less than supporting a child and I could stop working 80 hours a week. On my nights and weekend, I could actually spend time with my son.

This got way off topic from your question, but I agree with those above about keeping an attorney on speed dial if your ex husband is the vindictive type.

Hi AAG,

I think Elizabeth above gave some great advice. NO WAY should you flaunt your sexuality/blog with your Ex.

I personally think, as one of your long-time readers, that there’s NO WAY he would ever want your kids. But this confessional attitude that you feel really needs to be squelched.

As always,

XOXOXOXO

Chuck

I love your writing. I think it’s about the most real and enlightening blog I’ve ever read.

When I found your page, I read every single post as quickly as I could. I was fascinated. Not only was I drawn in with your bedroom exploits (which are awesome to read about, to say the least), but I was just as taken with your tales of mothering.

Never in my life have I known a mother who was also a contented lover.

I’m sure there are plenty out there, but, in my experience, mothering was what took precedence in all aspects of their waking lives. I was always led to believe that “real” moms didn’t have sex lives that were for fun (GASP!).

I am so happy to have been proven wrong about this one!

Reading your blog gives me hope (for the first time in my life!) that I may be able to be a mother one day. Before I found this lovely place, I always believed I would have to one day make a choice between children and sexual happiness.

Keep writing, PLEASE! (or should I just say “rawk on”? LOL). You give the rest of us confused ones hope with each post…

<3

AAG-

I think those above that suggested you speak to your lawyer are right. See what she says. I have a little experience in the legal world, and it is shocking how closed-minded the field can be. Judges are often old, conservative, and set in their ways. There are courtrooms where the judges won’t allow female lawyers to wear pants. Technically illegal? yes. But who is going to cross a judge they will be before again in a month or two.

If I were you, I would keep this portion of your life very separate. We all know that you are a good mother and not in any way inappropriate with your children. But things get spun, and the label of “slut” goes a long with with a good ol’ boy. I’d just be careful.