aag

Lovely post.

My son was not planned, and sometimes I wonder how I can let him know that his existence was really meant to be. Because even though I had not decided at such a young age to be a mother, it feels like I am supposed to be his mother at this time in my life. How can I reconcile that something unplanned was in some way planned? Beautiful post…very moving.

Your guilt is caused by your thinking. What you say to yourself creates it. Yet, let’s evaluate that thinking, shall we? Did you struggle to help her, over and over? (yes, I recall that you did). Did you try to suggest to begin with that she not even have another child? (yes, I recall that you did). Did you, with some reluctance, agree, once again, to trying to help because children should be loved and cared for and properly parented and you know how she is? (yes, I recall that you did). So, my dear AAG, what do you tell yourself that creates the guilt? That you love him? That you were reluctant but kind of knew what might happen?
phooooey!! He is the lucky one. There are so many children grown to man and woman hood now in prison or dead because they were not wanted, or not able to be cared for. So many unhappy people.

I first read your blog on Mother’s Day (was it two years ago or three?) when you told the story of your first child from her… I was moved then, I am moved now. You are a very special, loving woman. Your kids, whether or not from your womb, are so very lucky to have you. If that other family was so deserving, so much wanting to and able to, parent, they would have been there holding him.

much love

E

It’s for posts like these that I stop by every day. Your emotions are precious and writing sublime. Thanks for a nice send off into another day.

Guilt? I cannot imagine what for. You love him. You gave him a wonderful home. You gave him siblings. He has much more than he began with.

Forget guilt. You are his mother. His real mother. No matter what womb he came from. Nothing else matters.

AAG, I really hope that any guilt you feel is very fleeting and mild. You clearly love this boy (and his siblings) with all of the love anyone could ever feel for a child.

Beautiful post.

I’m an adoptive dad. Feel no guilt. My 6 year old daughter needs help going to sleep at night and after story time, it is often the clutching of my finger (or my wife’s) that provides the additional security above and beyond her security blanket (which accompanied her when we took custody at 2-1/2 months). So I completely connect with your post.

Our daughter understands that she was adopted and knows the name of her birth mother. We celebrate her birth mother’s birthday and remind her of the grief her birth mother undoubtedly suffered in deciding to give her daughter a better life. (Birth dad is a complete unknown.) Especially on Mother’s Day, we make a point of honoring her birth mother. One reason we are able to do this is because of our research — overwhelming research shows that adopted children are able to honor both sets of parents — biological and adoptive.

It is sometimes difficult. Most recently, our daughter has made up stories about the siblings she has (we know she has an older sister, but we are pretty confident that she doesn’t have a sister that is only 3 months younger than her that she played with before she was 2-1/2 months old!) Just a biological hunch we have! But her stories reinforce for us the ties that she is trying to build with her birth family; it is not an emotional challenge for us as we are completely open to an open adoption (this was a foreign adoption and we have hired an investigator to try to locate the birth mother to maintain ties but we have had no success so far); but it is an emotional challenge in the sense that we are trying to understand her needs and obviously she feels a primeval need to connect to her birth family that we cannot (yet) give.

Bottom line is that the one thing parents give their children (birth or adopted) is unconditional love. As long as you do that, you will be “Mom” or “Mama” of “Mother”.

You (and I) will face many tests . . . the wrecked car, the first drunk, the lost virginity . . . etc. (All the things we did as youngsters.) When you give your children your unconditional love in the face of all of these challenges, you will once again demonstrate why you are entitled to be called “Mom” “Mama” or “Mother”.

In the meantime, this Dad ain’t letting his daughter near a car, boy or beer . . . ;-)

Island Boy (Dad)

I was young and terrified of being a parent when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. I didn’t want to do to her the things that were done to me. It made me sick to think that I had been so careless as to get pregnant. The pregnancy was hard and I was on bedrest from month three, so any of the wonderful things about pregnancy went unnoticed.

She arrived six weeks early and was rushed to the NICU before I even got to hold her. The guilt was overwhelming. Months later as we both cried I finally found the courage to get the help I needed in order to be the parent she needed me to be.

Today I believe with all my heart that things happened the way they did for a reason. I believe also that my reaction to the pregnancy and my overwhelming fears helped to impede the bonding process.

The guilt is there. I think it will always be there. However, I do know now that she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Being her mother saved my life in ways that no one will ever know much less understand. And when she is older I hope to be alive to share with her all the things she is too young to know at this very moment.

Let the guilt go and rejoice in the love you share with your children, AAG. In the end it’s the love we give that matters most.