aag

This struggle of yours is so hard to fathom. But I’m sure you know that you’re not really risking your life. You are embracing it and making it what you want. We all admire you so much for that.

I can’t say I’ve “enjoyed” reading your articles about your parents that keep coming up lately, because I can’t “enjoy” reading about other people’s misery, but I have to say I have a lot of respect for your position, your insistence, and your sureness of yourself and who you are.

I think the best intentions a parent can have are that their children will grow up and be able to learn who they are for themselves and not try to piece together a personal identity out of the demands of society and the opinions of a poorly selected peer group.

But intentions often give way to a lack of focus, and hopes and expectations that our sons and daughters will fit in with our peer groups and our own notions of acceptable, right, and wrong, and that so often isn’t the case, and really why should it be? You know who you are. You do what you do out of your own personal motivations to do it, and you don’t hurt the people you choose to live your life with.

I wish they were happy with that, and that more parents were happy with that of their children. I hope that the frustration doesn’t eventually become utterly overwhelming. Good luck.

Do not let others define you like that. You are a “good girl” if you believe you are. No one else matters. Not one.

Dear AAG’s Mom:

Your daughter has been a fantastic influence on quite a few people. She has shown so many that it’s *not* bad if you love things that make you feel good, as long as you’re responsible about it. She has touched hearts and changed lives just by writing. Her blog helps people to accept their desires and therefore themselves, instilling a sense of worth in people who used to feel nothing but shame at their ‘dark desires’ rather than realizing the other good facets of their personalities.

Her blog is often quoted and referenced in a positive light, in publications and blogs and conversations worldwide. I was actually referred to it by a friend of mine who lives in Japan.

Every generation has issues accepting the choices of the generation following it, and the frustration of parents with their children’s openness about sex is no different. The world is changing, though not from music or technology… this time, it’s from attitudes about our bodies and our minds. All other excuses have been stripped away, and the battle being fought now is a hard one to fight. It is the blatant and simple argument that we, our minds, our desires, our fantasies, our bodies, our pleasures, and how we satisfy them are alright.

I do agree that counseling should be involved. But not only for AAG, but for the both of you. If you truly wish for someone to help with the situation, then you both need to be there, otherwise, only one half of this will be fixed.

I hope that if you take nothing else from this note, you take my hope for you and your daughter to come to terms with each other and have a loving, if not peaceful and acceptive, relationship.

Best wishes-
Sabine

I agree with Sabine: You ARE touching hearts. You ARE changing lives.

And from you say about your mom’s reasons for trying to get all of you in Christian Counseling, I stand by what I said before. She wants someone in a position of authority to agree with her, and join in on the judging. She’s definitely not ready for a conversation. She just wants you to toe the line.

Again, kudos from one “bad girl” to another!

We can be good girls too. On our terms. Not theirs.

After all, vanilla gets boring.

I think Sabine is right on. I have struggled a while to define what love means to me. I came up with one standard that I have been able to apply to every situation in my life having to do with affection without fail;

If I love someone, that means I want that someone to be happy, regardless of my own feelings on the course of that happiness.

I don’t always agree. But I care for the people in my life enough to want them to live their own lives. And I expect the same from them. We may not see eye to eye, but we will be there if the shit hits the fan.

Your writings pull back the huge oppressive curtain of shame, guilt, and repression that your parents’ generation willingly pulled over an aspect of human behavior that they claim to believe is sacred and beautiful, but which they treat as a sin. “Sex is dirty; save it for someone you love.” It was so “private” that they were too ashamed to talk to us about it at *all*, and we had to struggle with myths and horribly misguided beliefs because of their inability to handle the topic. You’re doing an enormous humanitarian service by exploring honestly this most powerful of human drives (more powerful, even, than hunger). Please don’t let the pressure of their Puritanism intimidate you.

“I’ve got enormous potential, she tells me. I could touch hearts, she thinks, or change lives. I could have people all over the world reading me, if only I focused on the topics of children and family and motherhood.”

You are living up to your potential, you do touch hearts (you’ve touched mine), and you do change lives (goddess know you’ve changed mine).

And you do talk about all those topics

Obviously, you’re perfect. End of story.

You have to understand where your mother is coming from. Her generation based the measures of a successful life on certain parameters, like the “normal” life and the regular job and the one man and all the rest. She is so programed this way that its very hard for her to get her head around the idea that you are even writing about something different, let alone doing it. She will not change, nor accept.
I’ve done everything my mother always wanted and it still wasn’t right, cause it wasn’t exactly the same. Sometimes we just have to accept that is the way it is and live with it. I also try to keep the info to a minimum.

Most respectfully I ask: why are you still talking to her? What are you getting out of that relationship?

If we stop talking, then all of the progress that we have made can so quickly be erased.

It is people like you, people that have the courage to be open and honest about exploring sex as something that you can enjoy without shame, without guilt, and without fear that will make a difference in this world.

The more we talk about it, the more it is accepted. It is brought out the shadows and into the light of day. And when that happens, it is no longer taboo.

If no one had ever ruffled feathers, broken boundaries, or spoken their mind, we would never have gotten anywhere.

Keep on keeping on. We’ve all got your back.

Sex should be private. And sacred.

Ironic that your mother could preach about privacy after repeatedly violating yours.

If you agree to attend counseling with your parents, I fear that your privacy will be nonexistent. Since you have very little free time, do you wish to spend that free time justifying your sex life or enjoying your sex life?

Sorry that you are going through this, aag.

I can definitely speak on this topic in terms of family and in terms of business. And if someone continually breaks the terms of an agreement during a renegotiation then its usually time to end them and break communications all together. What you parents are trying to do is bully and beg and push you into something that you obviously want to do. They are no different than a kid in the back seat of a car begging his reluctant girlfriend for a BJ. They have unfortunately show on multiple occasions that they will deceive you and cannot be trusted. Cut things off with them completely for six months or a year, maybe they will change their tune, because the one they are singing now isn’t a tune of love its one of control. From all I have read here it seems like the control aspect may have been the song you have heard most from your parents. If you keep letting them antagonize you they will keep doing it. They hope eventually it will break you down. Like a child if bad behavior isn’t punished then the behavior will continue.

Also, I wouldn’t put much stock in them having not actually read the site, probably both of them, you conversations with them sound more like police interrogation tactics than loving concern.

“I’ve showed some of your writing to your father, but there’s so much I’ve hidden from him. He couldn’t handle reading it.”

That’s just another version of good cop bad cop. She is in her own way attempting to fool you into thinking she is on your side. Please don’t let them keep doing these things to you. I know how hard it it, they are your parents, and you want so much to love them. You want things to be smooth with them. Hell you want them to be the classic caring parents. But they aren’t. I know how much this can terribly hurt. But something I leaned long ago is family isn’t just something you are born into, family is where you make it, and you have made one very big, beautiful and happy family, no matter what your blood relations may think.

If my mother knew that Scott and I had experimented with swinging (which has been put on hold only due to my insecurities and our recent relationship issues), she would have a heart attack and try to get me to speak with someone as well, even though we’ve been together for almost 9 years and have 2 children and a normal lifestyle.

She is, however, accepting of me reviewing sex toys - she avoids the site on Wednesdays :).

I say: I know how difficult it can be to want to make your parents happy and to be accepted, but sometimes you just have to tell them that you’re safe, are playing safe, your kids are safe, and that’s all that matters, and that they need to relax a bit.

It probably won’t stop them, but it’ll make you feel better to have said it :)

I’m going to have to chime in with the others above and say that you are touching hearts and changing lives. Your writing has built up a following and has given you a voice. You are speaking out and communicating with people from all around the world who find your writings interesting, touching and compelling. How many of us in our day-to-day grinds can say that?

You are teaching, educating and entertaining us all on a daily basis and we keep checking back to in to hear more. As I’ve told you before, you’ve got fans all over, even here in small-town GA.

So don’t let it get you down. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished. You’ve already achieved more than most of us will in our entire lives and it is only going to get bigger and better. You’re are utilizing your talents and you are just beginning to reap the benefits. You’ll go on to big things.

And you can always take the approach that we’ve taken in similar touchy subjects with our folks. You just have to be strong and end the conversation at the first broach of the topic with a firm ‘we’re not having this conversation’. You may even have to hang up or walk away the first few times. But once they realize that if they want to converse with you at all they’re going to have to avoid those topics, they’ll get the idea. It worked for us. Worst case scenario is they don’t get the picture, but at least you’ll save your sanity and spare the heartache.

Keep up the good writing. We all need your daily dose of insight.

I second, third, fourth,… the above.

You have touched me deeply and changed my life many times over, and obviously many, many others.

Stick with your courage.

I know it can be hard, but you’re part of making this a different world where it will be easier for everyone to be their true selves.

We do need you.

I’m with Dan on this. Parents always try to impose their morality on their children and if the children stray from the path they believe is “right” then they feel required to try and push the child back onto the correct path. The problem is that there is no correct path. The human tapestry is woven of strands of all different types, colors and directions and each one is just as valid as any other.

She needs to learn rule # 1 of parenting “I will love my children for who they are and not who I wish them to be”

The counciling thing is a pile of $%^*, its a simple ploy to try and force you to change into what they want you to be (both as adult and as daughter) - sorry but therapy is for people who don’t do any introspection and self-checking. You do plenty and your moral compass is perfectly fine. The USA is one of the most sexually messed up countries in the world, the “hidden and sacred” i.e. repressed and shunned, message is the result of generations brought up in puritanism. You should be proud of the good work you are doing, a positive message of the realities of living as an adult and mother while still celebrating your sexuality.

when i was a child, i thought that there was some magical age where my parents would stop trying to boss or guilt or manipulate me. that when i was an “adult” i would no longer feel like they had control, and yearned whole-heartedly for the day when i could do whatever i wanted without all of their rules and judgments.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! jokes on me.

yeah, i can do pretty much what i want–but even in my early 30s get moral reprimands on how i’ve chosen to live my path. lectures on how disappointed moms and dads are about how their three oldest children have no problem “living in sin” and that they are worried for our mortal souls.

i hate to see you going through similar conflicts with your own folks, but must admit i completely empathize.

i’ve made a habit of answering her guilt-jabs with “mom, god and i are great. we have an awesome relationship, and i’m quite sure he made our bodies to be a source of joy and pleasure, not shame. in fact, i’ve talked with him about it at great length and we are totally cool.”

and in terms of the “good girl” thing, it’s all subjective. bad girl is often more fun, but then again, i mean not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good…that i’m not a “lady” is prolly one of my mom’s greatest disappointments. but i’d be disappointed in myself if i didn’t partake in drinking, smoking fucking and cursing!

takes all kinds to make this world go round, mama. live and let live.

but that is the hardest pill for parents to swallow. (if they even swallow…quite doubtful.)

sorry, i couldn’t resist.

peace.

Your mother is still in the primitive ego area. You, in many ways, have progressed more to the middle path, where beliefs are not black and white - and “this is the ‘truth’”.

I remember the day I got deprogrammed from my “fundamentalist Baptist” way of thinking after I got kicked out by the deacons for living with my current wife six months before we got married just to see if our two families would merge OK. By God it did. We are sooooo happy. What a dynamic family. That will pass your way again too I hope.

You have really opened me up. Keep it coming. I still refer to your “position statements” from past blogs a year ago for great daysand nights of passion. And with our large family, we savor and cherish every moment.

Here’s a site to look at: http://www.stonyhill.com You’ll be enlightened and think you’ve earned a Masters Degree after reading him.

Space Cadet AAG:

This is Commander Chucky, from Sexfleet Command. Sever communication with MOTHER SHIP immediately! Repeat transmission…

;-)

XOXO

Chuck

It wasn’t patently obvious when they wanted to go to therapy that it was to fix you? I assumed you were aware that was their agenda but were prepared to go anyway and fend ff the onslaught. In case you aren’t positive about it, that will be the ONLY topic they bring up, and likely the only topic that they even are aware was discussed. Anything involving them will be dismissed out of hand.

AAG,
I’ve been lurking for over a year. Today, you’ve inspired me to comment.

I believe that you ARE touching (read into that what you will) many persons through your writing. Never have I encountered a presence so open and unabashed in her delivery.

Through an electronic media where you could easily be a 62 year old balding man with a disconcerting leer, I have a profound sense of the complicated, fantastic woman you are– because of your writing.

I’m a random voice, but I find you to be absolutely inspiring, familiarly flawed, courageous, and sensual.

Parents guide us when young, but you are a capable adult and parent, yourself. Please don’t let too much of their rhetoric seep in. (that’s my bold, un-requested advice)

arrggg I am still thinking about thisd…(I am FAR less charitable towards my mother’s malicious nosing around than you are to yours. Is she a CHILD??? I can just see the look on her face and I bet it matches my mom’s as she explains brightly that she didnt ACTUALLY go to the blog just read about it and snoop tangentially…

Can you hear the refrain…”I am not touching her, I am not touching her blog, I am not reading her blog…”???

I think everyone needs to write “about the blog” opn their blogs so their will be 1,000 google hits for AAG Blog, and all of them start with….you are SO looking at her blog, AAG’s Mom.

As the bumper sticker on my Mercedes reads, “Well behaved women rarely make history”, so is it true of well behaved bloggers. You are making history, AAG, and it is because of your willingness to misbehave. As much as I dearly love your kid stories, if that were all you wrote, I would not visit nearly so often. I love to vicariously experience all that you experience, which is what a good writer accomplishes. I have experienced the lovelies of parenting with my own children, but the polyamory? Only in my imagination as I read your blog. And the orgasms! Mine are actually getting better, I think, because of things you write. Someday, I’ll take real courage from your posts and try the back door….

Keep it up, AAG, and don’t let the domineering glass houses throw any more stones.

You’re absolutely right; it shouldn’t matter. It’s outside of your control what she thinks, so let it go. You can’t change it, so pretend like you’re in AA and accept it, and move on.

1. Why do so many people assume that just because someone is Christian, they’re automatically competent and a good person?

2. If your father had a more “Christian” view of sexuality, maybe certain past incidents wouldn’t have happened, and maybe your parents would have a better relationship with you.

3. Your a big girl, and you no longer need your parents’ approval. They can only get to you so much as you allow them.

You should tell her that you have touched people. You have been open and honest about topics that most people think about and want to know more about. You live responsibly and by writing about how to be safe with your body, heart and family in a couragious way, you are helping people learn to do the same. Your writing has touched me and made me feel more comfortable with my own sexuality in a way that is difficult to admit, considering we’ve never met.

Or you can tell her to go fuck herself. Seriously.

Oh yes, the religious counselor. After that, the magic show, and perhaps some astrology.

Really, it’s your life. Live it the way that makes you happy. If Mom can’t understand that, then she’s the one who needs counseling.

I think you need to just divorce yourself from the idea that your Mom is ever going to acquiesce to your wishes regarding reading this blog. She’s not going to stop.

So, that said, the only thing you can do is refuse to discuss it with her. If she brings it up, simply tell her you will not discuss this topic with her. You’ve asked her not to read it, she has chosen to read it anyhow. However, you do not ever EVER have to have a conversation with her about it.

If she continues, simply tell her that if she doesn’t change the subject, you will end the conversation completely by hanging up or asking them to leave.

It’s very hard to do. I know. I did this with my parents concerning my weight. I cut my Mom off, politely told her that I will not discuss this topic with her and then turned the conversation to something else.

It only took once or twice of ending the conversation and hanging up the phone nicely. And one time I actually packed my things and left the house during a visit.

She respects it now when I tell her that I won’t discuss certain things with her. She still worries and I’m sure that she still worries and wants to bring it up, but I just won’t have the conversation.

Remember you can only control YOUR actions. Not hers. *hugs*

For what it’s worth - you’ve touched my heart (seriously), changed my life (I started blogging, in part, because of you), and I’m a reader from the other side of the world.

*hugs* Dee

You are touching and changing lives. Our parents will never understand our choices. It is tough to get to middle age and still realize the hold of parental approval on our lives. I love your writing. You have gotten a lot of support and good advice in the comments to this post. You are loved and adored by your readers. Enjoy and let your Mom worry because even if you were to give her the desires she has voiced . She would still worry about you in another way and hammer it till you sick of it anyway.

Here AAG - I fixed a sentence.

:Fortunately I’m perfect as I am…:

Sorry, I rarely feel the need to fix what you write, but there it is.

I’m not saying you are a perfect human being - which of us are? But FWIW you are perfect as you are - foibles and all.

And also FWIW, as others have said, you help plenty of people - which I know you know but always bears repeating.

Sabine & Essen Em (and many otheres who responded in similar ilk) are RIGHT ON. You do touch your readers emotionally, you do change lives by changing attitudes with your healthy respect for your body and your desires. I adore the fact that sex isn’t presented in a vaccuum, that we know that you are a mom, ex-wife, avid gardener - all these other aspects you kindly let us in on.

And you ARE a good girl.

Counselling is fine as long as he/she is neutral with no agenda, so no Christian counsellors.

As has been said - but bears repeating - you are an amazingly talented woman who is living up to her enormous potential.

You’re not a “bad girl”.

You’re a person who has a right to determine her own path, her own sense of self and to explore her own sensualities.

The second hardest thing in the world is to stop listening to those who claim they love you when they hate what you are.

The hardest thing is to say “I love you but I am cutting you out of my life.”

I was going to post something meaningful until I got to
She’d very much rather that I concentrate on children, home, and finding a decent job, perhaps (once again) as a teacher.
now all I have is ……How fucking HOT would AAG be as a teacher???
And if you tell your mom you already a sex ed teacher, you’d be right :)

AAG . . . . I don’t read you everyday, but check in every so often. . . . . . it is difficult for me to read about your relationship with your parents. . . . it is so far from what I know. . . . . it would seem from what little I read. . . . . no contact might be easier than the conversations that pain you. . . . .
I can also say from experience. . . . . that counseling Christian or regular does not have a very high success rate of bringing two divergent views together . . . . . I would suggest that if you think you have issues to deal with. . . . find a counselor that you can talk to. . . . counseling should be your choice to help you. . . . not someone else’s choice to “fix” you.
I am very sorry that your parents are not what I consider normal. . . . but then whose really are.
Ciao

Ahh moms are moms. They can’t help themselves. They just want to ensure that their child (at any age) is happy and doing well. Sometimes it is hard for mothers to understand what makes their child happy is not necessarily something that would make them happy. She just loves you. That’s all!

This sounds very familiar to me.

I am the parent of a child with severe autism, and I’ve also worked in the sex industry as a writer for over ten years. I’m bisexual. I’m kinky as hell. I was poly for a lot of years, and am now trying monogamy again.

My mom and I have had many discussions that sound like the one that you’ve had with your mother. My father is constantly telling me that I could become a “real” writer. He is talking about writing children’s books, because he thinks that is the proper thing for me to do.

The thing is, you do touch lives and make a difference with your writing. You are read by a lot of people all over the world. You make a positive difference, and you do have real talent. I know it can be rough, but don’t confuse their hang ups with reality. You help to change the world so that other people will have mothers who will understand sexuality isn’t dirty. You help to change the world and show that mothers are people with full lives and desires. These are good things.

Vamp

PS I’m glad that I work with you. :)=
I’m also glad that you liked the links that I left here!

If we’re using ‘good’ in the ethical sense, you are a good girl. Most of everything you blog about has an ethical dimension. You write about children and family and motherhood, and all of the rest of womanhood, beyond the cradle and the kitchen. And for that, I’m grateful to you.

Since your blog is something you share with the whole world, and it mostly attracts people who care and understand and support you, I think it’s unfair to ask your family not to read it.

Treat your family the same way you treat your friends. Allow people to love you and support you, but don’t try to bend them to your will. If reading awakens emotions in your mother, she can deal with them in her own way, as I deal with my responses to each of the blogs I read.

==>*waves to aag’s mom*

i will tell my mom to read this so she knows there aremore around!!

It’s very rare I read a blog and feel like I have to respond. With your blog it is quite often that I, either feel the urge to say something or find myself thinking about it over and over again. I tried to think what is it that makes this blog special. Why does this blog stand out?

Is is the candidness? Is it the fact that you deal with EVERYTHING and not just sex? Is it the style? Is it that you reach out?

Is it that you reach IN?

All of that is true. And yet, it is something else. Perhaps you do not see it. I hope you do. But the fact is, you got your priorities straight. You have your inner compass leading you and it seems to be pointing in the right directions.

No matter what anyone else tells you be it parents.. “friends”, “Do gooders”… If you trust / believe in your priorities then don’t be troubled by the criticism along the way.

I tried to think, as a parent, what would make me proud of my children and basically this is what I came up with:

That they care about their own children.
That they care about their family.
that they care about their surroundings.
That they are trust worthy, kind, passionate and compassionate.

Wow I bet your Mom is VERY proud of you.

Alon

Don’t mention it. Thats what it’s all about.. feeling good with yourself at the end of the day.

It’s not hard.

“Mom, if you mention this topic again, I’m not speaking with you again, I won’t visit you, and you can know for sure I’m not taking care of you when you get sick and are dying. You can either accept me for who and what I am, or go away from my life and I’ll be much happier with people who actually love me for me.”

i find it ironic that on June 13, 2008 you wrote the words:

“My mom will keep things under control,” I told her. “She’ll protect my daughter from anything my dad might try.”

My doctor’s answer still chills me. “Just like she protected you?”

—-

in this post you wrote:

“I’ve showed some of your writing to your father, but there’s so much I’ve hidden from him. He couldn’t handle reading it.”

—-

what is it that he couldn’t handle?

didn’t stop him from “handling” things in the past

so, fuck him if he has an issue now

maybe he (and she) should shut the fuck up

sometime “ye reaps what ye sows”

fucking self-righteous bullshit…