Comments on: Poly Luv

By: Sweetness

Sweetness — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 09:01:47 +0000

Very interesting topic of discussion. Poly relationships are complex. Communication and understanding are key. Each relationship does fill a different need. I joke that if I took the qualities I loved most about each of them, I’d have the perfect man. LOL.

And it is definitely possible to love more than one person at the same time in a romantic way. An open heart can possess a great deal of love.

I love each of my lovers and I think the sex is that much greater because of it.

By: nimue

nimue — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:36:15 +0000

Fascinating post, aag. I would love to be in a situation where my primary and life-long (?) partner was not threatened by my attraction to another man, let alone by any emotional connection. Alas… that is not the case.

By: aag

aag — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:26:00 +0000

I don’t consider poly love to be equal love between equal partners.

By: Bacon

Bacon — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:33:55 +0000

I enjoyed this post and the interesting comments it has stirred. Neither my wife or I consider ourselves poly, she does “love” her play partner(s). In fact, for her she needs to feel a connection at some level in order to play with another person. This has, at least for one play friend, has over time turned into a love for him.

However, that love is one of a close friend, regardless that they share much more then close “vanilla” friends would. We’ve come to understand that there are many levels of love. As Charles stated, there is love for children, for parents, for siblings, for friends, and of course for a life partner. Love varies in its degree and intensity, as well as the difference between romantic love, love/lust, and for lack of a better term, “commitment love” or the deep love one has for their primary significant other.

Lettuce has found that she can lover her friends, and at times even feel some romantic love for a lover, but it never achieves the level of love she has for me as her life-long, primary love.

The issue we’ve seen and been through ourselves in the past is distinguishing those different levels of love from each other. It takes patience and a lot of open communication to reach an understanding with each other.

Poly love, which I would define as equal love between equal partners, would not work for us. We’re simply not built to share that highest level of love, trust, commitment, etc. We hold our relationship primary and above all else. And with that understanding and commitment to each other, we feel better suited to allow feelings to flow more freely.

I’m not putting well into words all my thoughts surrounding this, but I don’t want to turn a comment into a post. :-)

By: Charles Perkins

Charles Perkins — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 03:41:32 +0000

Well my dear AAG, you’ve opened up a can of worms here that may not go away for awhile. Reading the comments above, I think of the problem I have with this word “love”. It is ambiguous, used to describe many feelings.

JCnNowhereville says “How is my love for a “wife” different from my love of my “child” – or a friend whom I care deeply about. It is caring for them; it is helping them grow and develop; it is protecting them when possible and supporting them when it’s required.” I appreciate his point of view, but for me (I do have friends, children and a lover), there is a distinct difference I feel for each of them. I do wish for all of them long life and prosperity (thanks Mr. Spock) as well as health, LOVE, and robust fulfilling sex. I will be there to help if needed in any way I can. I do not however, wish to spoon or nuzzle my friends or my children as I would my lover in the comfort of our bed (or any other place/time). The issue for me isn’t monogamy or multiple lovers. Rather your poly posting again begs the question what truly does make a primary relationship for someone who truly LOVES more than one person. The relationship value that is my base value at this time in my life is “don’t do to me what you don’t want me doing to you”. If my lover were to say she was attracted to other men and wanted to jump their bones, I could perfectly well understand this. If she said she wanted to have sex with partners she would be emotionally open to, I’d question my place in the mix. What distinguishes our relationship from any other where she has an emotional investment. Love her I may, wish her all happiness I do, but I will not be reduced to a roommate or fuck buddy by her emotional connection to others. Rubbing some skin doesn’t threaten me, rubbing some hearts does.

By: ell

ell — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 02:45:37 +0000

Primaries and secondaries etc aren’t the only approaches – Violet Gordon-Woodhouse lived happily with four husbands – I think sometimes I’d like to too –

http://www.nytimes.com/books/97/12/21/reviews/971221.21goreaut.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

PS The book in question is great reading if love music and unconventional lives… :)

By: nash

nash — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 21:58:05 +0000

So true.
The heart wants what it wants. It’s often foolish, blind and dumb. Sometimes it brings joy but pain in equal measure. I think they all have their worth, but in the final equation, trying to dictate to emotion is like trying to ensnare the wind.

By: Athena

Athena — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:14:16 +0000

I’ve recently gone in a poly direction ( well, I always was, but now have more of a primary relationship with someone who works in the same industry but isn’t a client at all finally), and I’m learning this. Good post, you should ad a poly tag.

By: Shay

Shay — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:47:48 +0000

Polly love is extremely complex – I’ve accepted that I am still far too selfish a lover to share, though that may change as I continue to grow and mature. ^_^

By: Finn

Finn — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:03:41 +0000

I’m not poly, but if I were I could see myself falling in love with my lover. I’m very picky about who I’m attracted to so I’m halfway there before things begin anyway.

Complex thing, this human heart.