Comments on: Interference http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/ ~ videamus quid sit exilium. nempe loci commutatio.~ Thu, 22 Dec 2011 14:33:19 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: marianne http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12268 marianne Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:47:20 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12268 I agree that the problems of a relationship are the not the responsibility of the third party. My marital problems existed long, long before I took on any lovers. They have helped me to feel better about myself and my life; I would not choose to be with someone who encouraged me to self-destruct, but if I did, that would still be my responsibility, right or wrong. I don't agree that you are to blame if your partner strays. You may be. Or perhaps it is 100% their own issue. There are too many variations possible. Shit happens. Which is, I think, what you were saying. I agree that the problems of a relationship are the not the responsibility of the third party. My marital problems existed long, long before I took on any lovers. They have helped me to feel better about myself and my life; I would not choose to be with someone who encouraged me to self-destruct, but if I did, that would still be my responsibility, right or wrong.

I don’t agree that you are to blame if your partner strays. You may be. Or perhaps it is 100% their own issue. There are too many variations possible. Shit happens. Which is, I think, what you were saying.

]]> By: Ken http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12238 Ken Thu, 10 Jul 2008 15:03:43 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12238 I agree that the two people in any given relationship are ultimately responsible for its condition, and that different people handle that responsibility with wildly varying amounts of thought and care. That being said, I do think that a third party can be a contributing factor in the demise of the original relationship, in that some people find it easier to focus on the excitement of a new partner rather than deal with whatever serious issues are facing their primary relationship. I think that a conscientious "secondary" will be acutely aware of their potential as an escape hatch and compassionately nudge their new partner to address problems in their primary relationship if it seems like they are running away from them. I agree that the two people in any given relationship are ultimately responsible for its condition, and that different people handle that responsibility with wildly varying amounts of thought and care. That being said, I do think that a third party can be a contributing factor in the demise of the original relationship, in that some people find it easier to focus on the excitement of a new partner rather than deal with whatever serious issues are facing their primary relationship.

I think that a conscientious “secondary” will be acutely aware of their potential as an escape hatch and compassionately nudge their new partner to address problems in their primary relationship if it seems like they are running away from them.

]]> By: Ama http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12235 Ama Thu, 10 Jul 2008 12:47:16 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12235 Wow, for once I can actually comment based on experience. My father was a serial adulterer, married young and then dated many, many women afterwards. He had a sixteen year relationship with my mother that culminated and ended with my birth. My mother used to try avoiding saying anything negative about him because she thought it would harm my self-esteem. The fact is that she'd loved him and he'd been a close friend before and during their relationship but the man is an irresponsible coward. He wasn't honest with his wife and he used her as an excuse not to see my mother or his offspring (I'm the only one I'm aware of that was... illegitimate). To this day I do not know if she condoned his decision not to support or see me. I can say that my father was the one who instigated his multiple extra-marital relationships. I will also say that I largely keep this information to myself because it is embarassing even if it shouldn't be and it hurts me very deeply some days. This probably isn't very helpful to you but it's at least an example of what you were thinking about, even if it's not within the realms of an honest polyamorous relationship. Wow, for once I can actually comment based on experience.
My father was a serial adulterer, married young and then dated many, many women afterwards. He had a sixteen year relationship with my mother that culminated and ended with my birth. My mother used to try avoiding saying anything negative about him because she thought it would harm my self-esteem. The fact is that she’d loved him and he’d been a close friend before and during their relationship but the man is an irresponsible coward. He wasn’t honest with his wife and he used her as an excuse not to see my mother or his offspring (I’m the only one I’m aware of that was… illegitimate). To this day I do not know if she condoned his decision not to support or see me. I can say that my father was the one who instigated his multiple extra-marital relationships.
I will also say that I largely keep this information to myself because it is embarassing even if it shouldn’t be and it hurts me very deeply some days.
This probably isn’t very helpful to you but it’s at least an example of what you were thinking about, even if it’s not within the realms of an honest polyamorous relationship.

]]> By: Immagikman http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12233 Immagikman Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:38:35 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12233 All relationships have ups and downs, and an instigator can influence a relationship to it's ruin. Betrayal cannot happen unless there is someone to do it with. Even strong relationships have their low points and a word or nudge at the right time can ruin what would have been a good relationship. The person who breaks the trust and cheats is guilty of betrayal, however a sleezeball who helps things along to the ruin of a relationship is just scum as well. My opinion. All relationships have ups and downs, and an instigator can influence a relationship to it’s ruin. Betrayal cannot happen unless there is someone to do it with.

Even strong relationships have their low points and a word or nudge at the right time can ruin what would have been a good relationship.

The person who breaks the trust and cheats is guilty of betrayal, however a sleezeball who helps things along to the ruin of a relationship is just scum as well.

My opinion.

]]> By: Sensitive Man http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12229 Sensitive Man Thu, 10 Jul 2008 08:29:39 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12229 I partially reject your statement that .."I cannot accept that a strong relationship could be broken by an extraneous partner." I usually agree with it.. I mostly agree with it.. I want to totally agree with it.. BUT I can't! You see... and of course, you know... there are so many dimensions to relationships, sex being just one of them. But, if you have a "strong relationship" that is not perfect, that does not meet every one of your needs, then, there is that possibility that one little crack can slowly expand to a bigger crack. Eventually, the bigger crack makes it clear that the relationship is no longer strong, and then it can be broken. If an "extra" partner (whether he/she be a sex partner or just a bowling partner or just a friend) somehow meets a need that is exposed in that initial crack, then they might somehow begin to meet other needs as well. Of course, it depends on how "devoted" you are to your main relationship spouse/partner, and also to your personal moral code or mores... One last thing- from a man's side- if the spouse/lover is always devoted and sexually attentive to the man's needs (I don't mean subservient), then there is much less chance of the man straying. I partially reject your statement that ..”I cannot accept that a strong relationship could be broken by an extraneous partner.”

I usually agree with it.. I mostly agree with it.. I want to totally agree with it.. BUT I can’t!

You see… and of course, you know… there are so many dimensions to relationships, sex being just one of them.

But, if you have a “strong relationship” that is not perfect, that does not meet every one of your needs, then, there is that possibility that one little crack can slowly expand to a bigger crack. Eventually, the bigger crack makes it clear that the relationship is no longer strong, and then it can be broken.

If an “extra” partner (whether he/she be a sex partner or just a bowling partner or just a friend) somehow meets a need that is exposed in that initial crack, then they might somehow begin to meet other needs as well.

Of course, it depends on how “devoted” you are to your main relationship spouse/partner, and also to your personal moral code or mores…

One last thing- from a man’s side- if the spouse/lover is always devoted and sexually attentive to the man’s needs (I don’t mean subservient), then there is much less chance of the man straying.

]]> By: Sexnique http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12222 Sexnique Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:44:22 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12222 I agree completely! My marriage ended in divorce after I cheated on my hubby. But the cheating was the symptom not the cause. The real cause: One orgasm in three years. http://sexnique.blogspot.com/2008/07/bad-sex-ruined-my-marriage.html I agree completely! My marriage ended in divorce after I cheated on my hubby. But the cheating was the symptom not the cause.

The real cause: One orgasm in three years.

http://sexnique.blogspot.com/2008/07/bad-sex-ruined-my-marriage.html

]]> By: sexie sadie http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12221 sexie sadie Wed, 09 Jul 2008 19:57:53 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12221 I totally agree with you, AA. If a relationship is strong to begin with, it certainly can sustain the couple having secondary partners. I have been in an open marriage for 3 years and it totally works. Communication, is, of course key! Besides, conventional wisdom is just that: conventional (and conformist). Not the sort of sapience Sadie subscribes to. Nor you, I have gathered... xo~Sadie confessionsfrommyopenmarriage.blogspot.com/ I totally agree with you, AA. If a relationship is strong to begin with, it certainly can sustain the couple having secondary partners. I have been in an open marriage for 3 years and it totally works. Communication, is, of course key! Besides, conventional wisdom is just that: conventional (and conformist). Not the sort of sapience Sadie subscribes to. Nor you, I have gathered…

xo~Sadie confessionsfrommyopenmarriage.blogspot.com/

]]> By: Always looking for rainbows http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12220 Always looking for rainbows Wed, 09 Jul 2008 19:17:24 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12220 I do believe that relationships can fail because of both parties, not just one. Someone may leave a relationship because both of us failed. But, as my therapist said, "You didn't have to find out your wife was having an affair to know that your marriage was in trouble," and "She showed a lot of courage to have her affair." The latter was much harder to accept than the former, but I have accepted it because it's true. After a sexless year with said wife, I too drifted, and she was not able to handle it -- for which I don't blame her, some of what I was doing was my trying to force <i>her</i> to end the marriage -- and she asked for a divorce. Having said all this, I am very convinced that people very rarely cheat on a satisfying relationship, particularly sexually. But again, the reason for it may not be a simple one, like one person withdrawing from the other, and the other bugging out. The withdrawal might have been caused by one or more reasons. Clearly, this is not easy for me to describe. But neither are relationships. I do believe that relationships can fail because of both parties, not just one. Someone may leave a relationship because both of us failed.

But, as my therapist said, “You didn’t have to find out your wife was having an affair to know that your marriage was in trouble,” and “She showed a lot of courage to have her affair.” The latter was much harder to accept than the former, but I have accepted it because it’s true.

After a sexless year with said wife, I too drifted, and she was not able to handle it — for which I don’t blame her, some of what I was doing was my trying to force her to end the marriage — and she asked for a divorce.

Having said all this, I am very convinced that people very rarely cheat on a satisfying relationship, particularly sexually. But again, the reason for it may not be a simple one, like one person withdrawing from the other, and the other bugging out. The withdrawal might have been caused by one or more reasons.

Clearly, this is not easy for me to describe. But neither are relationships.

]]> By: Ellie http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12219 Ellie Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:52:02 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12219 You are perfectly on point about this one. A lot of people want to blame the "other" person because it helps them retain respect for the partner that wronged them. Still, I think there is a serious ethical problem with being that "other" person. No, you may not have any obligations to the original relationship or pact of fidelity, but it involves participating in this lie. Even just thinking of your partner's partner as another human being should make a reasonable and ethical person realize that getting involved with a cheater isn't cool. Of course that doesn't stop anyone :) You are perfectly on point about this one. A lot of people want to blame the “other” person because it helps them retain respect for the partner that wronged them.

Still, I think there is a serious ethical problem with being that “other” person. No, you may not have any obligations to the original relationship or pact of fidelity, but it involves participating in this lie. Even just thinking of your partner’s partner as another human being should make a reasonable and ethical person realize that getting involved with a cheater isn’t cool.

Of course that doesn’t stop anyone :)

]]> By: Hannah http://aagblog.com/2008/07/09/interference/comment-page-1/#comment-12218 Hannah Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:25:41 +0000 http://aagblog.com/?p=774#comment-12218 Agreed. Agreed.

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