Over the course of two days, three people opined that they didn’t like the sort of person I’ve become.
“What sort of person is that?” I asked them all, coolly, which was probably a mistake as they were more than happy to count the ways in which my appearance, personality and behavior had disappointed them.
One conversation took place on the phone, a ninety-minute rant by my parents which left me as drained of spirit as I was of cell phone battery. The other came about during a negotiation with the ex over child care arrangements. In both cases, the precipitating factor seemed to be the fact that I did not give them what they wanted.
I have a tendency to listen stoically when people rant. It’s folly to argue with someone on a rampage, and addressing their misconceptions point by point both exhausts me and allows the argument to barrel away in uncontrollable spirals. I let them talk until they’ve worn themselves down. When the anger passes, sometimes they’re more susceptible to reason.
Not always. But sometimes.
While my parents’ diatribe focused on their wish for alone-time with the children, the ex’s reiterated his frustration that I’d that I’d “given up” on our marriage too soon, thereby destroying our family. These are songs with refrains as familiar to me as lullabies. I know the words like they were sung to me in the womb.
So I think it’s time for me to do something I’ve never done before. I think it’s time to cut off these discussions.
My parents have made it perfectly clear that they’d like to watch the children unattended. I won’t allow this. So really, is there any reason to continue having the discussion?
My ex feels better believing that I gave up on our marriage and thereby destroyed our family. My thoughts on the topic are different, but that hardly matters. Is there any reason to continue having this discussion?
I don’t think so.
My patience for stoic listening has worn thin. It’s time to tell them I’m done.
Good decision! I hope you find some peace, it will make life a bit easier.
Hear Hear! I applaud your firm stand. My favorite thing to say these days is:
You don’t have to like it. You *do* have to deal with it.
i didn’t speak to my parents for a year when i finally stopped being able to take their judgemental superior crap
it’s much better now
all i can tell you is stick to your guns… “i’m sorry you feel that way, if you’ll excuse me i need to poo”
;>
It’s never too late to learn when to make the decision to ignore your parents. :) A valuable life skill that should be taught in high school, but usually isn’t necessary until later in life.
I had similar discussions with family, friends, and the ex. All were mad because I didn’t “fight back”, that I didn’t engage. I was worn down many times to the point where breathing became all I could manage. I’d listen quietly and then walk away, which only ignited more flames; however, eventually, the flames diminished, working their way toward extinction.
State you position. Leave it at that. No, they won’t like it one bit. Doesn’t matter. Eventually, they’ll learn to accept your resolve. They still won’t like it.
It was difficult to do with my mother especially. She had shown her true colors during this whole process and lived in a land of passive-aggressiveness. I didn’t take the bait any more. I ducked at the backhanded compliments. I refuted everything she did and said, if only in my own head. Strangely, after almost 2 years of it, she knows where I stand and what I won’t stand for, just by letting most every contact with her just brush by me and not make contact. Our relationship has gotten stronger because of it.
I like badinfluencegirl’s idea. Make a list of excuses to use when they call. My mom would say, “So how’s your day?” to which I’d respond, “Well, I’m in the middle of laundry at the moment.” It was my way of saying, you know I don’t have time for you right now. It worked.
Permit me to show you an interesting feature on most electronic communications devices such as telephones. It’s called a “switch”. When people are abusing you verbally, employ it.
With traditional landline phones, the device is called a “switch hook”. Place the handset in the switch hook, and it will terminate the call. With cellular telephones, depending on the model, generally red button will deactivate the device and terminate the connection – and the abuse.
You are not obliged to respond to attempts to re-establish communication until YOU desire it.
About 20 years ago, when my wife and I first got together, her mother used to call her long-distance (back when long distance was expensive!) and berate her for all of her failings as a daughter and a person. One day, I came into the bedroom and found her in tears, listening to her mother’s tirades.
I took the phone, and hung up. My wife was stunned; the very IDEA of hanging up on her mother was alien. They spoke only rarely for the next year.
That was two decades ago. Now, they talk for hours every day, about everything under the sun. M-I-L is now creeping up on 80, is still spry and healthy, and G-d willing will remain so. F-I-L is in better health than I am, 25 years his junior. The break in the cycle of badgering allowed them, and us, to re-engage on an adult plane, rather than a childish one.
Take a break from your parents. Allow them to see you not as a child who needs to be protected and nurtured, but as an adult who deserves respect. Everyone will be the healthier for it.
Be warned; it doesn’t always work. I tried to handle my first wife (now, of course, my long-EX-wife) this way. She responded by disappearing, and I have not spoken to either of my older children in 18 years. Shit happens. I have no idea where they are, or what they have become. I may be – likely are! – a grandfather twice over, but I’ll never know.
But I still live in the same house, and still have the same phone number, and the same e-mail address, and have for 18 years. Their mother knows where to find me, even if the kids don’t.
And that’s good enough.
Good call.
Sometimes it’s time to fish.
Sometimes it’s times to cut bait.
“I”m sorry you feel that way. I have to go now.”
yes, it’s clear it’s time and more than time.
Do you like who you are? That’s the only opinion that should matter. Smart decision to stop discussion and listening to rants.
I agree. Any further discussion of either topic is pointless. You’re not giving in to your parents (and I do not blame a bit), and your marriage is over — why is no longer relevant.
Plus… it’ll make them absolutely crazy. And that’s the best part. ;)
What it all comes down to, AAG, is that you’re not making it comfortable for them. That’s their problem. How dare you do all this (for yourself) without even thinking of THEIR comfort? After all, you have spent the last 20 years thinking of them, how dare you NOT think of them now???
I say stick to your guns. Refuse the ‘discussion’, (which has always meant, of course, you sitting and listening to their harping and rolling over and falling in line with what they want). Phrases and wording like “It’s not up for debate, I’m not asking, I’m telling you. The kids will not have unsupervised visitation. PERIOD.” “The visitation says X-Y-Z. Deal with it. PERIOD.” Once they learn they can’t push you around like that, it will go away. Eventually.
edwardotk
that seams like a great form of words, so good in fact I may have to steal it.
AAG,
As others have said, no need to listen to pointless conversation. I applaud your stand to your parents regarding your children because of previous history. As to your husband, as a reader from very near the beginning, it would seem that he only sees and believes what he wants, just as he did when you were married. You are where you are now because you needed your sanity.
Pete
Perhaps we should introduce our exes. Every 2 months my STBX renews his efforts to guilt me back into a relationship, seeing as it was me who ‘destroyed our family’.
My response? I tell him that it’s not a productive conversation and that I will talk to him only about matters that concern our child and nothing else. He is always going to have his view of what went wrong and I will have mine. And tho we agree on about 20%, the majority is still NOT up for discussion at my choosing.
As for your parents, I think the other comments cover it. So much so, in fact, that I’m going to share this entry with a friend who deals with the same issues.
Oh, and here’s a tactic I’ve used in the past to get someone off the phone. Ring the doorbell/knock on the door. Oh! It’s the neighbour! Oh! So-and-so’s here! Must run!
Aag: I agree with you 110%! My ex still does the same to me because I left him when our daughters were 1 1/2 and 3 months old. My logic is, I’m happier now than I had ever been with him. I’m having sexual satisfaction now that I never had or would ever have had with him… so I’m all round a better and happier person, which in turn makes me a better and stronger mom for my girls.. to me that’s all that matters. As far as his injured ego… oh well, he should have thought of that during the years of my life I divulged to him. As far as your parents – I still say that they SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT get any alone time with your kids… I dont trust my mom and thus, she sees my daughters when I’m present and that’s the end of it. Nobody knows what’s best for your kids than you Aag, so don’t ever question your intuition as a mother- that’s the one thing that hardly falters. Good luck and stay positive, you have alot of support from your readers here!
Ana
Good for you. Closing that sort of door (i.e. with ex, father of my kids) is one of the best things I’ve ever done.
edwardotk recommended the following:
It is a response free of malice. You’re not slamming the door in anyone’s face. You are simply closing it against intrusion.
If your parents feel the need to be needed, remind them that so many families have lost their homes and life savings in the recent floods and other disasters. Here is an opportunity to alleviate suffering, rather than create it.
Sorry you are going through this, aag.
Stoicism. It’s not for weaklings.
AAG- If you didn’t have an arsenal already, I’d nominate you for Weekend Swag.
My mother was always one to try to bully me into feeling bad about myself when I didn’t think that I was. It wasn’t until I started ignoring such conversations (leaving, hanging up, ignoring) that they started to fade out of our relationship. I think this will be the best course of action for you to take. It can be liberating!
They don’t like your decision? Too Bad. I would probably put off even having any contact with them at all for a period of time just to illustrate the flexibility you were showing them in the first place. Sure, they won’t be seeing the children often, but at least they were before, even if it were supervised. I’d also only accept about 1/3 of the phone calls from them from here on out.
I understand you’re in a hard situation. You don’t want the little ones to suffer for your past with your parents, and you don’t want to punish them with your little ones, but unless they are willing to respect your boundaries and at least respect you as an adult, it’s their loss. You don’t want the contempt they seem to have for you trickling down to the little ones, and I’ve seen many intruding mother’s in my time, her next plan of attack will involve your children. I promise you this.
As for the ex? Tell him you didn’t give up on your marriage, you were just looking for something more vanilla. *wink*
I wouldn’t entertain any of those guilt trips either, so good for you!
I will never understand why people feel they need to tear someone down and bully them to the point of self-esteem loss just to prove their (bullshit, more often than not) point. What happened to adult conversation? RIP.
Take Care, AAG. Schedule a date and get some of that frustration worked out. Hee.
Exactly…. snip-snip!!
Be free!!
Hi AAG,
Yay, yay, yay!!!!!
I wuv you today!!!
One more step out of co-dependency, and the realization that some people are JUST assholes. Even the ones that love, or have ostensibly loved us.
XOXO
Chuck
That ‘giving up’ story is so familiar. My ex made, and continues to make, that argument over and over. Is there some school where they teach that garbage?
A:
Actually, yes.
“Boy’s School for Solipsistic Narcissim.”
Sorry, boys school only. Girls aren’t even allowed to the dance.
… makes for interesting dating arrangements.
:P
My dad always blamed my mother for giving up. Last week, after eight years of nothing but anger and name-calling, he finally admitted that he was also responsible for their marriage not working out.
It was a long time to wait, but it finally happened. And it was no less a relief when it did. So until then, hang in there. You know what’s right.
*snap* *snap *snap* you go gurl! (I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist… good for you though!)
Amen sister. A-fucking-men.
*teehee* I said “fucking men”.
God I need a nap. :)
Three cheers, chica.
Definitely think you’re making a good decision!
I wish you luck with both endevours – neither is the easier path but i bet you will sleep better at night once you do it.
It sounds like a good plan. Life is way too short to be weighed down by the issues of others. Be well :)
i agree with what others have said…
its really ok to not allow others to abuse you mentally/emotionally/physically, etc…and the constant barage of “you arent good enough” (or whatever they say) is completely unnecessary…
dont take on their guilt and be responsible for your own actions…you have yourself and your children to worry about right now…and they should not see the abuse as normal, or the cycle will only continue…
peace to you…
One thing to consider, do you teach them by example to accept abuse, or do you teach them by example to stand up for yourself?
You should not accept their abuse. it seems to me you are allowing yourself to be victimized again. Stop the abuse.
I’m sorry for you that it had to come to this. But you’re right. The abuse has to stop.
You might mention to your ex that he’s obviously free to keep thinking this, but, for you, it’s not an allowed topic anymore.
Damn, I keep having this empathy for the husband and father side of things despite my best efforts. I still admit to having all kinds of if-only fantasies about my long-ago divorce, but I’d never bother my ex with them. Fewer and fewer, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop. It still means so much to me.
In both instances, the facts are the facts, and you’re moving on, even if they won’t.
people are people. Names like parent or ex husband are arbitrary titles awarded to those who fulfill some minimum amount of promise. If they don’t keep thess promises then they are not the title. They are just people. Would you allow people on the street to treat you this way?
Family, by blood or marriage, requires people to be more trustworthy than a common aquaintance. The benefits are gifts, not rights. You have the right to trust others, you have the responcibility to maintain their trust of you, and you do not have the right to betray and take advantage. These rules apply to others no matter the title they demand. Good luck to you and do not blind yourself with title or position to the betrayals of others.
The opening line
Over the course of two days, three people opined that they didn’t like the sort of person I’ve become.
was worrying, and I read on with furrowed brow until I got to
In both cases, the precipitating factor seemed to be the fact that I did not give them what they wanted.
Then I burst out laughing.
I can quite understand why you won’t allow your parents alone time with your children. Maybe it’s time for them to have no contact time at all for a while, giving them the breathing space to gather some self-awareness, better manners and appreciation of the contact time that they *do* have. And I shouldn’t bother what the ex says, as he’s probably just trying to rebuild his self-esteem.
Maybe you should say next time they start their now-habitual whingeing, ” Have you anything new to add? I know exactly what you think and it cuts no ice with me. Frankly, life is too short to sit around listening to you rehashing the same old complaints that I’ve already rejected. Maybe you should look for something positive and pleasing to say, because at the moment you’re giving me no incentive to talk to you at all”.
Actually. I think you’re doing really well to be so patient with these people :o)
This is another excellent post right up until the last phrase!
Why tell them?….. anything on the subject?
It’s been my experience that anything you send in that direction: speech, thoughts, looks, or otherwise, just gives energy to something that has proven itself to cause you misery. Therefore, instead of telling them you are done…… simply be done. And give not one more moment to that subject.
Just a thought :)
BTW, love what you’ve done with the place! You’re as lovely as ever ;)
I am struck anew by the amazing way people expect the ones they love to stay the same as they were decades ago.
Weak men prey on the compassionate women of the world. Their sob stories bring out our mothering sides. It’s when we have children of our own that we realize they should be big enough and ugly enough not to need mothering anymore. However, by then, it is too late: patterns of behaviour and attitude have developed, and drastic action must be taken to show where the limits are. No wonder he heaps up guilt; I’m guessing it has worked before.
On the flipside…my mother still expects me to be the quiet, bookish teenager she had imagined I was two decades ago. Even then, I felt a tremendous pressure to conform to her wishes, lacking in the self-esteem and confidence to tell my mother she expected too much and didn’t really know me. I still can’t tell her, but at least I have learned to keep a barrier of sorts up between us that she can rarely penetrate.
I am not the person she wanted me to be, but I am becoming the person *I* want to be, and if she can’t accept that, there is no place for her in my life.