The question that ties me up is this: Should I allow my parents to watch the children alone?
For the past seven years, that answer has been a definitive “no.” Before that, I did. I allowed my eldest to stay with them, with the condition that my mother always be present.
And then one day I explained this arrangement to my counselor, who knew my family’s history. “My mom will keep things under control,” I told her. “She’ll protect my daughter from anything my dad might try.”
My doctor’s answer still chills me. “Just like she protected you?”
Those five words sent me into a months-long nose dive. I had to reevaluate how I related to my family; it goes without saying that the answers I came up with did not please them.
My parents would like to believe that my restrictions on alone time exist to punish them. Or that I’ve made the rules for my own convenience. “For my own convenience?” I ask them, incredulous.
Don’t they know how much I’d love to be able to trust them? To depend on them to take care of my kids? Or even follow through in a predictable manner with me?
They argue that God has forgiven them for any sins they committed some thirty years ago, and that if God can forgive, I should be able to also. They remind me solemnly that they won’t be here much longer; they don’t want me later to regret this later.
Their arguments don’t sway me, not even a little bit.
If I were to leave my kids with their grandparents, chance are that everything would be fine. The likelihood is good they’d know better than to abuse the trust they’d been given.
Probably.
And that’s the problem. Probably isn’t good enough.
My son will never spend a minute alone with my father who was my abuser for many years.
He may only spend time with my mother when she is with another family member whom i trust to the far reaches of the heavens… and by time I mean a walk to the end of the road and back.
We may never forgive and never forget, and because of that it’s our job as parents to make damn sure our kids never have to be put in that situation… and you’re right, probably just doesn’t cut it.
Be safe and be well aag, and know your decision is the right one.
My mother didn’t protect me, and is still in denial about what happened. I am abused when I was pre-verbal. Some may wonder how I know it happened (other than the psychological symptoms) since I don’t know who did it or what actually happened. I didn’t even know I had a scar, I just new that sex hurt and I didn’t know why. A GYN suggested that he loosen up the perineum via surgery, I agreed.
He found I had a deeply embedded scar in my perineum that had been hiding from me. My mother surely would have noticed the blood in my diapers, right?
Go with your gut, it never lets you down and is very accurate.
BTW–no one in my family ever ‘fessed up. I leaned towards it being my dad because of some inappropriate behavior later in life that happened. Last Friday, on my 44 b-day my brother made a comment that made me think it may have been him.
You know which family members not to trust. They do not deserve your trust, or the joy of seeing your children while alone.
I don’t know who to trust. Do I just cut off the entire family? My children are adults now and don’t care for my family. Neither do I.
Do I just cut them all out of my life? This I ponder.
I had forgotten about this aspect of your past. It makes your parents’ lack of boundaries concerning your blog and their self-rightousness all the more sickening to me.
Forgiveness is one thing. Trust is another. It is wonderful if you have forgiven them. It would be foolish to trust them.
I’m constantly amazed at people…
For some reason, I didn’t quite get that the reason you felt unsafe was from abuse in your family of origin.
And it’s THESE people who judge your blog?
And then justify their need to require you, the person who was “wronged” to be “bigger” and take care of them, yet, again?
People who have truly changed do not require anything from those they have wronged..they live with their decisions and do everything they can to show the person they abandoned that they are heard, understood, and honored..that IF and when the wronged against is ready, they will be included again. They wait to show the person they ar trustworthy..and that only happens with time and rebuilt trust…which happens at the healer’s pace, not the abandoners.
To me, their pushing is just another sign that you are right in listening to your gut. They don’t get it and they don’t deserve being trusted. They have to find their own forgiveness not put it on god or try to extract it from you. Their “requirements” for your forgiveness show they continue to care about themselves more than you.
Good luck in this one, AAG. You sound balances and on track.
You can forgive them and still not trust them. In fact, that kind of sounds like the best idea. Your kids are kids, and you sure can’t depend on the kids to 1. know that something is going wrong, 2. stand up for themselves, or 3. tell you about anything that went wrong. And that goes times a bajillion when it’s family and it doesn’t yet register with the kids (thankfully) that family can hurt them the most.
Good luck.
Although I’m in no way religious the answer I would give would be to tell them that if God can forgive them their sins then he/she/it will be able to forgive you for not being able to forgive them.
AAG – the past shows the future. Seriously.
Even now they live in denial and claim they only need god’s forgiveness…they will find a way to deny any responsibility when they betray you.
the earth is littered with broken promises
I’ve been reading these comments quietly and thoughtfully over the weekend.
Thank you for them.
I did not mean to suggest that I was soliciting input on MAKING the decision about leaving the kids with my parents. That decision was made long ago.
But I certainly appreciate the assurance that I’ve made the right decision.
i never trust anyone who says trust me…
is that too simplistic? it’s nonetheless true.
Bad Influence Girl, I’ve been pondering that very sentiment over the past few years. The people I trust the most in the world have never told me to trust them and vice versa. Very, very sneaky.
I had a similar experience, and I let my child with her once, just because an emergency. She lie to me cause she let him go to my house without my permission, just when I leave. When I call, she says: “Easy, please: I´m watching them”…I return home in fifteen minutes and practically through away those two people, and today, they don´t know my address.
But I still talk sometimes with her…I decide at the last days, press charges and never talk to them again. And God…the worse excuse to make you feel guilty: sorry, if god is at their side, i don´y want him either.
Thank you all for this amazing post! I am pregnant with my first child, the MIL is married to a convicted child molester ( this was before she knew him). I simply requested some of her time in explaining to me how she planned to protect my child from this man, she ran out of the room in tears, and we haven’t spoke in months. I was told I was tearing this “family” apart, “he did his time, he hasn’t molested anyone since.”
I’m the bad guy.
Thank you all for the encouragement to continue to be “the bad guy” and tear this “family” apart if it spares my child. This post has been more meaningfull to me than you’ll know.
Good luck to you AAG.
Good for you, Hailey. Do what you have to do in order to protect your child, and if they want to think you are “tearing the family apart,” so be it.
:)