aag

I see nothing wrong with the way you are taking care of “your land”. Your parents gave you life, but they do not own it. My mother is very much like that. I keep trying to lower the barriers, just to find her taking over everything, because she does not agree with my methods. So the fences go back up. And yet I feel very guilty about it, because it hurts her feelings that we are not close. Unfortunately, I have finally realized that with her personality the way it is, being closer is impossible as it will not be good for me. Its taken me a long time to figure this out.

I thought for a moment this was about buttsex, but then I remembered whose land we were talking about. *grin*

Funny man… :) –aag

Fences are good

A beautiful metaphor (allegory?) for a rather difficult and painful issue. Wonderfully written.

You’re doing the right thing. It’s not much comfort, I know, coming from some anonymous fan of your writings, but let it be worth something at least: You are not alone in your convictions of what is right and best.

It’s hard to stand up for yourself to people that you love.

Good on yer, as they say across the pond. And courage. *hugs*

That’s the trouble with trespassers. They always want what they can’t have, and never give up.

Just remember that it’s your land - you are the one responsible for it. And you will be the first to be blamed if something goes wrong - regardless of whether it was you or the trespassers that caused the problem.

Stick to your guns. You’re doing the right thing. You’re the mummy!

As I’ve grown older I’ve become more and more aware that age doesn’t necessarily bring greater wisdom - knowledge yes, but wisdom?

So I’ve deliberately tried to stand back from offering too much advice to my daughter unless she asks for it; after all, she might be right and I, in spite of my grey hair and wrinkles, might be completely wrong.

Once children are adults there should be equality between them and their parents. Parents who continue to interfere in their childrens’ lives almost definitely have something wrong in their own.

“‘Good fences make good neighbors.”

Your life is your territory. It’s yours to protect or share as you see fit. Squatters and interlopers should be dealt with however you see fit. No more, no less.

But what do I know? Ininvited guests on my ‘land’ would probably find themselves ’shot on sight.’

Socio-psychological theories propose that the level of animosity in disputes rises over time. Parties may oppose concessions to the other or develop skepticism about peace because of feelings of antagonism with spirals of hostility feeding into one another. The parties must mean the same thing when they refer to the issue they are bargaining over.

These conditions can also be thought of as representing three facets of indivisibility: functional indivisibility represents the difficulty of dividing the issue, material indivisibility represents the clarity in the definition of the issue and symbolic indivisibility represents those layers of meanings and symbols that render the territory irreplaceable.

Parties to an indivisibility dispute, torn between their wish to preserve the unity of the land and their desire to possess it, wish to have their proverbial cake whole and eat it too. Solomon’s Judgment builds on this tension: The child’s true mother is torn between the desire to possess her child, on one hand, and the desire to maintain the integrity of her child, its body and life, on the other. Curiously, any act taken by a party to enhance indivisibility in one sense necessarily diminishes indivisibility in the other sense. This is the indivisibility conundrum: The more each side acts to take possession of its part of the disputed land, the more divided the land becomes. The stronger the claims made by the parties regarding the indivisibility of the land, the clearer it becomes to each party that it does not possess the land in its entirety.

There are only two possible solutions to an indivisible dispute. In one outcome preferences are reordered and both parties forgo cohesion for ownership. This is the outcome supported by the false mother during the trial: “It shall be neither yours nor mine; cut it in two.” The other possibility is suggested by the true mother: “Please, my lord, give her the live child; only don’t kill it.” (1 Kgs. 3:26)
In this solution both parties insist on maintaining the cohesion of the good but the preferences of one party are reordered and it agrees to forgo ownership.

The entrenchment of territorial disputes also raises crucial questions regarding the odds of resolving prolonged, and thus entrenched, territorial disputes. If time only serves to entrench territorial disputes, should territorial disputes not last forever? Empirical evidence clearly points in the opposite direction: There are no infinite territorial disputes.

How sad that they can’t enjoy the beauty and freedom they’ve been given but instead chose to limit themselves to a view from the fence.

Wanting more than they are entitled to may be their nature. Your decision to keep your fence up is a sound one. Allowing your garden bloom and thrive they way you want is what’s right for you and your “god-given” land.

If they go away permanently it might not be such a loss in light of what you are growing.

Stay strong; I believe you have right on your side. I hope they choose to stop arguing at the fence and enjoy what gifts they’ve been offered.

I’ll throw an omnipotent thunderbolt or two up their asses if you want. Just say the word.

Oh do they ever complain.

Your parents need a hobby, or a new recipient for their concern. Isn’t there a service that could match emotionally needy souls with people eager to interfere in someone else’s life? Someone should have thought of this by now.

E-dependecy. It could be a goldmine.

Great post. As with most things in life there is no one solution that will please everyone. It is human nature to ignore what is at hand and yearn for what is on the other side of a fence. Even if it isn’t any better, that it was difficutl to attain makes it worth striving for and thus more enjoyable. But as many women have discovered once they gave in after a furious chase, once attained interest may quickly dissipate.

Your family is your own, be strong.

What a beautifully written allegory. And so sad. I have lost family due to their inability to respect that my life is mine, my choices are mine to make. It is, in the end, their loss.

Wishing you the best on this.

Why is it the trespasser refuses to respect the boundary or understand why it’s there in the first place?

Stick to your convictions. Their track record speaks for itself.

The second book in the Perelandra Trilogy by C.S. Lewis is very much about the human trait of rejecting the good that is offered because it is not the good we want.

Adam and Eve and the apple come to mind in this. They rejected all the good things of the Garden which God gave them to eat in favor of the one fruit they were bidden not to eat.

N.

Beautifully written! My wife and I are going through similar interesting trials with my parents (more specifically my Mother) and their/her desire to influence and direct our children’s perceptions…all under the pretense of ‘goodliness & godliness’ it would seem.

When during their last visit to our home last summer they attempted to influence our children’s views on Lettuce, I finally said enough is enough. The wall that you so eloquently wrote about went up and they were denied access to ours and our children’s lives.

Until the time that they can accept us for who we are, understand that what they did was wrong to us, sincerely apologize and forgo any future attempts, they are banned to the other side of that reinforced fence.

We see them poke and prod at that fence the same as you, mainly through our more public family website, but also through attempts at emailing us without any mention of the issues at hand. But we’ve made our stance consistently and repeatedly clear to them and will not bend in something so dear to us as our children.

Our best to you in dealing with your own parents!
B&L

Wonderfully written, AAG, and brava to you for having the courage to keep reinforcing your fence. I haven’t even found the courage to build mine yet, so I applaud your efforts to keep yours and your children’s lives just how you want them.

Caveat lector.

Egad! I didn’t know Hannibal read your blog. I bet he was the anonymous commenter who called you a tasty morsel..

Good fences make good parents.

(perhaps if you sent them this as a letter they might see the metaphor and reconsider? On the other hand, if they are like some parents I know, they will take it as an insult and use it as a chance to try to poke more holes in fences with guilt.)

I, too, thought this was about some sexual boundary. It’s far worse in my opinion that it is your parents who continue to demand access to things that are none of their business. Can they not see that they help raise a strong, smart, loving woman who is a caring parent? Can they not take joy in that and believe that you are trustworthy? Why, why, why don’t some parents ever learn? In not trusting your judgement they are actually questioning their own judgement in raising you. They need therapy.

Hi AAG,

Get as much money as you can out of them.

You’d be amazed at how strong THAT fence is.

Either that, or when they come over, tell them you have diarrhea.

;-)

XOXO

Chuck

Indeed. I can only hope that I am never in the place that your parents are now.

It is not easy. I am now in a place where I could easily ask too much of my children. Thank you for sharing your experiences so that some of us may not make the same mistakes. (We will make different ones, perhaps, but not the ones that you have described.)

I think that my grown children and I are now on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” basis and we’re all the happier for it.

Thank you for sharing.

You could buy another plot of land and never invite them or let them know where it is. Seems like at some point you have to just accept who they are and who they aren’t and decide whether you really want/need the drama. Yes, they’re familly…but is having them in your life lifting you up or tearing you down? Only you know the answer…..

D

Wonderfully Written!
Thank you, for allowing us, your readers, into this part of your life.
I think because of some of your insights, I have become more aware of the necessary fences, our daughter has erected.
You and I are about the same age, and the daughter as bought her OWN house…
Because of me having greater respect for HER fences, our relationship is growing stronger.
Besides, I don’t WANT her to know about somethings I do… I need to return the expectations.
Thank you, Very Deeply,

As long as they live they probably will never stop attacking those barriers in some way.