It’s one of the worries that has plagued my parents since God let them in on the secret of my writing: How do I face the fact that my children could someday read of my exploits?
Trust me, it’s hardly the first time this question crossed my mind. Back in the day of the ol’ spiral notebook, I’ve worried what would happen were I tragically to be hit by lightening, mowed down by an escaped wildebeest or lashed to the water heater and forgotten by my children.
Who would find my things? What would they make of them? “What will you say when your fifteen-year-old reads your blog and thinks she can do exactly what you are doing?” my parents asked with a mixture of worry and sanctimony on their faces.
Tersely I responded: “I’ll tell her that my actions during the fourth and fifth decades of my life have no bearing on what she’s allowed to do during the second decade of her life.”
They wished me luck in making this stick. As I have no experience with raising teenagers, all I can do is hope that this tentative plan will bloom into something more substantial over the next several years. Because I certainly don’t want my teenagers emulating my actions.
Or do I?
Would I really be upset if I ended up with budding poly teenagers? If they gently experimented with all forms of sexual expression when they felt ready? If they loved both men and women? If they toyed with the concept of gender?
Would I be upset if they learned to love extravagantly and joyfully? If they began giving their hearts to people with no expectations of permanency? If they loved others from a position of strength instead of need?
Would I be upset if they practiced safe sex? If they consulted with understanding doctors (and, I hope, me) when the almost inevitable slip-ups happened?
Would I be upset if they took responsibility for their actions? If they learned to be neither apologetic nor combative about their sexual choices?
Come to think of it, no. I wouldn’t be upset about these things at all.
Am I being terribly naive?
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Hey, looky here: parenting!
You’re not meant to be a sheild for them, you’re meant to be a safety net. They may do those things even not having read your blog (what? did you read a blog first, or did you try experimenting first?).
Maybe (no promise, I’m not sure it’s ever possible), they’d be more likely to talk to you about their inescapable anxieties and confusion. And then you could do some more parenting.
Perhaps if more parents encourage a an environment that is sex-positive, accepting of others and our differences, and where children can feel free to experiment and discuss it fully and openly we’d have less violence, disease and suicide and a whole lot more self-esteem. Those are the things I want for my daughter… she’s two. Do I want her to understand all of that right now? Of course not, but when the time comes I want her to feel confident as an adult that she knows what she wants and she understands her feelings, desires and maybe most importantly her limits. Just because her mother has very few limits, doesn’t mean she can’t make her own choices and have me support them fully.
My mother had some very frank conversations with me when I was a teenager and I think I’m all the better for it. Regardless of what her actions may or may not have been, what she SAID had the most impact. The fact that she took the time to talk to me without treating me like an idiot.
She also gave a sex talk to a lot of my friends around that time, and fewer of them got pregnant during high school than they would have, I’m certain.
I think you’re fine. We were actually talking tonight (with my aunt) at dinner about how my sister and I are two of the only people we’ve met EVER who didn’t drink (at least to some extent) in high school. Part of it is probably that we’re goody goodies…but there is also the fact that we were always allowed to try the glasses of my parents’ wine (when they had them, rarely), and that the small amount of liquor in our house was just hanging out in plain sight in the basement, not locked up, or viewed as taboo.
Ergo, when we did want to try something, we asked our mother to let us try it first, before experimenting at some large (and possibly dangerous) party.
I think you’ll be fine, because I hope you plan to instill most of those values in them, regardless of whether through you blog, or in other ways.
Have you ever read Moon Zappa’s autobiographical novel, “America the Beautiful”? Or any of her short stories?
She was so FREAKED OUT by her father’s outrageously out-there sexuality that she was quite the little uptight turtleneck-wearing teenager. I think she talks about losing her virginity at 19 or so (to the guitarist from Ruff Kutt– a distant second she selected at a party after being rebuffed by her real crush, Jon Bon Jovi).
Be open, be honest, be yourself. Your kids will find you either totally cool, or horrifically embarassing, or some combination thereof, but either way they will actually learn something about sex and sexuality. And that will put them way ahead in maturity and good jugement, compared to the sheltered kids of the jeeebus-nuts.
I have three teenage boys and I have a blog where I sometimes talk about my sex life. My boys know about my blog and, on occasion, have read it, but quite frankly, they are really not interested. Their girlfriends are more interested. If my children were to reflect my attitudes towards sex, relationships, kindness, self expression, and priority, all the better. Your parents worries are unwarranted, though, because your children, regardless of your exploits, will find you either boring or embarrassing and probably won’t read.
And that is as it should be. :-)
“If they loved others from a position of strength instead of need?”
This is what hit me the hardest. This is the core of why you should keep writing about your exploits and not be afraid of having to answer some tougher questions when your kids are older.
If you can teach them that sex is a wonderful thing, and not something to shy away from, you may help them save themselves from being locked into marriages like yours was. My one sister is still doing the “why doesn’t he LOVE me??” dance with every man she has a relationship with, and it is painful to see.
I think you’re on the right track. I don’t think being closed down about sex has helped anyone at all.
We all have needs and desires that exist outside our “roles” as parents and children and as long as our inclinations are legal and in keeping with our personal sense of ethical behavior, we must live our lives and let the gasps fall where they may. Those who would consider themselves close to us must allow us the freedom to be true to ourselves. Sometimes they won’t. Yeah……. so ?
My husband kept a journal. He wrote in in frequently when he was well and almost daily when he was ill. Now that he’s gone, whenever I want to bring him back to me, I read his journals. He told me before he died that I could keep them or destroy them or ignore them. He was fine with any choice I made. Destroy them? Never! Cherish them? Yes. When you are gone, those who love you will read your journals, if you allow it, to bring you back. It’s a rare and wondrous gift from you to them.
I have a seventeen and a fifteen year old living with me. The seventeen-year-old has a steady girlfriend. He wears her class ring on a chain around his neck. I’m sure there’s exploration going on. Witnessed by the hickey on his neck after prom. I asked him if we need to have the condom talk. No big scenes, just the question as we were doing something else. He said, “not yet.” I’m trusting that the openness and availability that I have tried to foster will allow him to come to me when he has need. But I can’t make it happen. He will or he won’t.
If they are exploring? It’s more natural than if they were not. I’m confident that he’s doing it in a loving and respectful way. He’s that kind of kid.
We have casual conversations about sex, drugs and rock’n'roll fairly frequently. We’ve argued about homosexuality and I stunned him, but not his younger sister, with the concept of bisexuality. We’ve talked about mind-altering drugs and bullying, homework and personal hygiene and a million other things. I try to be matter-of-fact and accepting of both of them in the hopes they will keep me informed and involved in their lives.
Really, it’s all I can do. They’re going to live their lives however they will. Now that they are past the point of physical control, all I can do is advise. Well, that and be there when they fall.
I tried bullying their mother and it’s been a dismal failure. Trying something different with them.
N.
“What will you say when your fifteen-year-old reads your blog and thinks she can do exactly what you are doing?” my parents asked with a mixture of worry and sanctimony on their faces.
I don’t know what you will say to your daughter, but I recommend the following quote as a response to your parents:
Prudence is a rich, ugly, old maid courted by incapacity.
William Blake
Well I am a parent of teenagers. The problem isn’t with them finding and reading your blog, if parents generally do not want to know the gritty details of their children’s sex lives, children really really really do not want to know about their parents’.
The potential problem is not them finding and reading your blog, but their friends and acquaintances finding and reading your blog. The humiliation and likely subsequent bullying or at least taunting will be cruel and excruciating. That is what happened to one of my kids when my coaching blog got outed. It was very bad.
So yes, as a parent, you have to maintain very very tight security. And since teens aren’t very good at security, you will have to maintain very tight security about it with them too.
But you’ve got quite a few years before you have to worry about that; by the time it might be a problem, who knows what you will be doing and blogging about.
You parent’s question builds in the assumption that what you are doing is bad. Of course at 15 your daughter may not be mature enough to handle the complexities of a sexual relationship, or multiple sexual relationships. We deal with this problem as parents all the time. Why can’t I set my own bedtime? Why can’t I quit school? Children and young people often want to make choices before they are ready to make them. Your sexual choices are only a special problem if you would never want your child to live the life you are living now.
Which is to say, the conclusion you came to is right. If one of your children becomes a budding poly teenager then she will have relationship challenges that are different in detail but no different in substance from those a budding monogamous teenager faces. Relationships are hard but worth it.
Your parents assume it will be a case of do as I say not as I do, because they don’t believe you think your choices are good ones. They think you know you are doing wrong things but continue to do them anyway.
I say a resounding “Poppycock” to your parents!!
I’ve three teenage daughters who have now made it to their 20′s. They’ve each chosen very different sexual paths than mine and each other. Oh, my!! Could this mean that kids are their OWN people and (although I sure get caught in this line of thinking trap) it isn’t all about meMeME?
My girls are aware of my bisexuality, my anal, my courtesaning, my poly nature, my orgasms, my orgies, my toys, my outfits…heck…I even give one of them my handmedowns.
What they get is someone they can trust who loves and accepts ALL of them; who they can call and ask the best ways to do anal sex with someone with a huge cock…how to buy a vibrator….what book to read and how to love themselves when they feel blue no matter what the reason.
Done respectfully and at age appropriate times, a parent who is comfortable and open with their sexuality is a gift of a lifetime for a child.
Uh, you’re having responsible and safe sexual relations and exploring and understanding your feelings about it. There’s a huge difference between THAT and giving your 13 year old boyfriend a blow job in a game of truth or dare.
I wish I knew a portion of what I know now back when I started giving truth or dare blow jobs.
Teenagers are so fucked up because they’re full of hormones that they don’t understand. They feel like they need to hide stuff going on with their bodies and it makes them resentful and angry. If they’re allowed to come into their own sexually without shame their lives will be a whole lot easier.
There’s an assumption built into your parents’ concerns about your blog and your children. It’s a fairly common assumption, sadly, and it goes like this:
Teenagers are idiots and will ALWAYS make the WORST possible choice.
Teenagers DO make bad choices. So do people in their twenties, thirties, forties and fifties. That’s as far as I’ve gone, but I assume the trend continues.
How do you combat bad choices? INFORMATION. Telling children about birth control combats teen pregnancy, telling children about HIV combats AIDS. Withholding information just insures that these problems will continue to grow.
And while there may be a time – IF your kids find your blog – that their reaction will be “ewwwww!”, it’s far more likely that your kids will think that Mom is pretty damn kewl and feel more comfortable about asking your advice than if they thought you were utterly ignorant about such topics.
Your life is your own. It doesn’t belong to your parents. Live it how you please.
Your children might benefit from knowing that it is okay to be strong and NOT repressed.
If your parents don’t approve, then they should close their eyes. :)
You do alright.
I love it.
First: ditto what they all said. :)
Then I just wanted to add a thought about “street cred” when it comes to teenagers. Who’s words, stories, and advice carry more weight in their decision-making? A mother who is waving the hypocritical flag of “virginity” out of her own fears, or one who says, “honey, I’ve been there, done that, and have the postcards to prove it… now what is it you want to know?”
Ten years from now, this blog will be your postcards. If they read it, they will see sooooo much more than just the sex-sex-sex that your parents focused on in a negative way. Honey, this is a grown-up blog, for grown ups. They will see that they were LOVED as children, and hello! your life did center around them and it wasn’t easy. They will see that you went through hell as you found your own path. They will see that you have real feelings, hurt and joy, loneliness and passion.
Also, one last thought… this, too, shall pass. This time in your life. The bounce-back from being repressed and oppressed for so long in your marraige. Your life is far different today than it was 3 years ago. Ten years from now, do you really think the wheel of life will not have turned again? You could be very much in love, married again… you never know.
Interviewer: What about your kids? Do you try to restrict what they can read or see or hear?
Frank Zappa: No.
I’ve long since forgotten the source of this interview.
The question is paraphrased from memory.
The response is verbatim.
I have teenagers. They are sometimes surly, ungratefull, and unpleasant. However, they are also smart and insightful; and the tide of contrary turns as suddenly as it came.
My 18 yr old daughter wandered up to the computer the other day as i was reading one of your “odes” to lube. We embarked on quite the discussion on the pros and cons of various lubes. It was wondrous!!
I always wondered if my open and frank attitude towards sex and associated subjects stuck….it is sometimes hard to tell, no matter how hard you try to be involved. I knew however, that it was working in their young minds….I overheard conversation with friends; defending the right of gays and bisexuals.
Not to worry….your children will grow up to be open minded individuals, with a empathatic view of the differences of the world.
So my daughter is 19 years old and well, umm, seems have been born with the same generic disposition towards wanting good sex, and lots of it. She lost her virginity at 17 to another virgin. I asked her if she had an orgasm (if she knew what that was) when they had sex and she replied “yes MOM. I have them.”
I said “them?”
Yes, she has multiples.
Good for her. I wish I had this knowledge when I was 19. :-)
Think of all of the years of bad sex she will miss…
One of my readers suggested a book to me called “Harmful to Minors” which is about the dangers of “protecting” our kids from sex. I haven’t read it yet, but I will be happy to send it on to you!!
I think there are worse ways to damage our children. There are worse things our kids could find out about us. We protect our kids from sex, but it’s perfectly ok to see violence. I think your open mindedness and bravery is revolutionary.
Hi AAG,
I think being ‘Child Positive’ is always the best attitude to have. There are enough assholes out there who will work to take your babies down as they stumble through their first couple of decades of life.
That said, be careful of TMI– not everyone is cut out for polyamory, and for those that are not, such experiences are not always positive, nor are they always able to be put into context what happened to them. That comes with age and experience– neither of which they have until they have, well, both!
XOXO
Chuck
AAG,
I stumbled across your blog about two weeks ago, and I have to say that I find it captivating and your tenacity inspiring.
I am in my late 20s and grew up with a sexually repressed mother and an open and expressive father (may he rest in peace). The reason I felt compelled to comment comes from my own experiences growing up. It is obvious that my parents were not quite compatible in that department, which lead to problems early on in the relationship and ultimately lead to divorce.
As far back as I can remember my father had always fostered the sexual positive environment. He encouraged my asking questions, and gave me honest and truthful answers. He made no apologies in regards to his past exploits and offered these experiences as a learning tool for me, as strange as that sounds. He always had faith in me and my decision making and if I asked for privacy, it was given no questions asked.
My mother, however, never had the period talk, much less a sex talk with me and we do not share the same closeness. She falls into the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell” category in all respects including masturbation. I can recall one time when she caught me in the act and, well, I got in trouble and didn’t hear the end of it for a long, long time.
Long story short, I am a better person for having that small amount of freedom to experiment and learn what it is that I liked. Did I have moments of TMI where my father was concerned? Sure. But did I ever hold it against him? Of course not. It actually made me more comfortable around him.
So, in regards to your parents concerns, I can see where they are coming from, but it’s up to you to make the best decision for your own family, and I don’t think for one minute you will experience backlash from it. A little TMI? Sure. But if they are old enough and educated enough on the subject they will see it for what it is, rather than just a collection of encounters.
What this is, from my perspective is a journey into self expression, not just ho’in around, and your children will come to understand that as well.
Take care, and keep positive. XOXO
The analogy with alcohol seems really very appropriate to me. My daughter was allowed, nay, encouraged, to try little sips of wine from quite a young age, and has grown up into a 24 year-old with an entirely mature and sensible attitude to drinking.
The earlier commenter who referred to a liberal father and a repressed mother also rang bells for me. I used to let my daughter watch certain UK comedy TV shows that had ‘adult content’, as long as I watched them with her. Of course, I got the “Daddy, what’s a lesbian?” questions as we watched, but always answered her quickly, briefly and without embarrassment. I still got glowers and irritable comments from my (now-ex) wife though.
Sure, there might be a little initial awkwardness if/when your children discover your blog, but so what? No harm done. If the leading Western deity has a problem with what you’re doing I’m sure he’ll get in touch personally, without the need for intermediaries – after all, he’s omnipresent and omnipotent, from what I hear ;o)
I think people underestimate children: they find their own way in the world, despite the best or worst guidance.
Being open about sex? It’s not going to damage the children–it might help their self esteem, knowing that sex is something to be enjoyed and not having to feel dirty or bad about their own natural urges.
I, for one, am with you on this.
While I do shudder at the general principle of my still-preteen spawn copulating… again… on general principle; in truth, I think I’d want to wish them the emotional well-being necessary to explore their own sexuality fully and *safely*, in whatever direction that may take them.
Poly, pansexuality, monogamy, homo, hetero, bi… whatever.
Maybe that makes me an odd parent- certainly the odd man out at the baseball games and school picnics I attend with the button-down, red-state crowd.
I can live with that.
I concur with the vast majority of these responses. I grew up in a house where both my parents, and for that matter most of my extended family, were all more than happy to talk about sex with whomever asked them. For that, I’ve been greatly appreciative, and I like to think that I turned out pretty damn good and accepting of most forms of sexuality. I also see a major difference between my friends who’ve had open families when it came to sex, and those who’s families were less so, and those in the latter group always come to the former’s for sexual advice. Personally, I’d rather have my future kids be more comfy talking to me about sex than some other parent.
On another note though, do you have backups of these blogs in case something comes along and erases them. These are your memories, and nobody likes to have those unintentionally erased, especially if you’d like to share them with your progeny someday.
All sufficiently backed up, thank you!
:)
Hi AAG,
A great new article about polyamory on Salon.com.
‘Scenes from a Group Marriage’
Read the letters. Something to think about.
XO
Chuck