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Not long ago my children and I were visited by friends of ours, a married couple. While I chatted with the female half of the couple, my little ones amused themselves by beating up her husband.
They gave it to him good, mostly by attacking him repeatedly with throw pillows, then ticking his ankles. I assure you that he was in no real danger at any point.
The two smallest ones took turns sitting on his shoe while he bounced them up and down. He held them steady by gripping the backs of their shirts; their giggles said that they were overjoyed by the activity. It all worked really well — until it didn’t, at which point my little girl ran over to me crying.
“I hurt!” she yelled. “He pinched me!”
“What happened, baby?” She showed me a tiny red spot on her side, where she’d moved one way, he’d moved the other and her delicate skin inadvertently got pinched for a fraction of a second.
I held her close while she wept and exclaimed, “I hurt!” repeatedly. When she got herself back together again, I pointed her toward our friend. “You go tell him, baby. Tell him that you’re hurt.”
“I hurt!” she said in a pert voice.
“Ask him to be more gentle next time,” I suggested.
“You be gentle,” she said, pointing her little finger at him and furrowing her wee brow. After he promised to be more gentle, she happily threw herself back onto his shoe for another round of bouncing.
This I believe is the first small step toward teaching my children a sex-positive mindset. Are you confused by this assertion? How in the world can a vignette about a toddler bouncing on a shoe demonstrate a sex-positive mindset?
Here’s how. I showed my child that having physical fun is okay — even encouraged. I told her what to do if the fun gets out of hand, and I helped her find words to express that she wanted to continue playing but in a more gentle manner.
I let her know that when she comes to me with a complaint I will take her seriously. I won’t say, “Quit whining. You’re not hurt. He didn’t mean it. You shouldn’t have been rough housing. Buck up.” Then I didn’t solve the problem for her, but I helped her figure out how to speak for herself.
It’s all about setting appropriate boundaries and learning to communicate those boundaries, even to people who are larger and more powerful. Once of course is not enough, but these very small “safe” opportunities present themselves all the time, if one is watching for them.
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