I’ll give no more identifying details but that I’ve christened him Wilhelm and I want him to die.
He leered at me when I propped my heel on the towel rack to see him face to face. “Stick him with a needle,” my friend proposed.
“There is no way I’m sticking a needle there,” I told her.
“You want it gone by the weekend, don’t you?”
“No, I’ll just ask my date to ignore my leering pustule,” I said.
——
“I might not be able to shave for a while,” I told my partner later. “Will you still want me if I’m hairy?”
“I don’t like hairy,” he responded.
“Harsh,” I said, cranky from the pain and crushed by his answer. “After all the time we’ve spent together a little hair would bother you that much?”
He thought for a moment before answering again, perhaps realizing what an overwrought state Wilhelm had me in. “Honey, you are always sexy to me. We have history, and history always trumps hairy.”
——
“Where is it?” my doctor asked the next day, and when I pointed to the offending location, she grimaced in sympathy. “I’ll step out while you strip from the waist down and wrap up in a sheet.”
“Don’t worry about leaving,” I snarled. “It’s not like you’ve never seen mine before. Every time I’m here I strip from the waist down and wrap up in a sheet.”
While she rummaged around between my thighs, I cracked jokes to make myself feel better. “I think I should spackle over the whole region,” I told her. “Make it like a Barbie-doll’s. All smooth, with no openings. Just a little dimple along the rear, you know? That might keep me out of trouble for a while.”
She sent me home with antibiotics, strict instructions to call if things didn’t improve over the next day, and Vicodin.
Mmmmm Vicodin. It made me want to frolic, leering pustule or no.
——
That region has given me so much trouble over the years. Pleasure, you say? Hasn’t the pleasure originating from that region outweighed the trouble? Honestly, right now I don’t remember it giving me any pleasure at all. None!
I mean, why couldn’t Wilhelm have taken up residence on my arm?
——
Emily Simpson, I most seriously hope you enjoy this post.
My god, thats awful. Regardless of your plight, this was still one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a while! Hope it clears up soon :(
Why thank you Mary.
:)
Your doctor gave you antibiotics and Vicodin for it??
Why yes, yes she did.
:)
If it would have been a carbuncle would you have named it Simon? :-)
I feel your pain :( I started getting boils when I go pregnant with my first child (some sort of hormonal thing, according to the good Dr.) and I’ve had them off and on since. It’s god-freakin-awful.
I’m not lucky enough to have them on my arms either. They seem to like the netherbits.
I hope that he vacates your premises post-haste!
Oh, honey. I just went through something similar and my doc did not give me Vicodin, though I could have used it. Anyway, a warm, wet washcloth and a heating pad might help you out if Wilhelm has not been eradicated. I was instructed to do that four times per day for 10-15 minutes each. The second treatment did the trick.
I would think a hot soak in the tub would help. Well thats what I always do. I had no idea the doc would give drugs for that. Dang next time I guess I will go in.
magnoplasm does the trick everytime – takes a little while but takes the heat out and clears it out… use it as soon as you feel one coming…hmm… not sure if you can put it where Wilhelm is. good luck.
I am clenching in sympathy (and giggling at emily too)
BOILS? You’re the Job of the sex bloggers! Watch out for your livestock!
Do kitties count as livestock?–aag
Wilhelm took up residence in that location because Wilhelm is a “he.” He would never, ever go for the armpit unless he was just going to visit briefly before finding a more suitable area.
Ow ow ow in sympathy. Yup, I’ve had one of those that required antibiotics and prescription strength pain killers, too. I actually blacked out for a moment waiting to see the clinic doctor. (For multiple reasons, I wasn’t able to see a doctor about it until it had gotten that bad.)
Hope you’re feeling better soon!
I’m so glad I haven’t alienated all my readers with The Tale of Wilhelm.
:)
I freaking hate getting boils down below. My roommates all get them too. They always pop up when I want to have some crazy sex. Then I just have to be all demure and DON’T TOUCH ME THERE!! DON’T LOOK AT THAT!!
So much for crazy sex after that.
A lot of boils are caused by an inflammation from an ingrown hair. I’m not sure if you can get it in the US but there’s a wonderful product called Ingrow Go made by Skin Doctors.
Oh, and btw, thanks for managing to make a post about something so painful so funny!
I’m glad you find my agony amusing.
:)
Reading this, I couldn’t help but sympathise with you. I have just had a boil appear on my nether regions too. I have had them all my life and have the scars to prove it. I noticed that a said to use magnoplasm….that works, but if you’re like me and allergic to it, the alternative is Ichthammol (commonly known as Ichthyol *ick-thee-ol*).
What I normally do is use melolin dressings, which are a strip that you cut up into smaller bits to cover the desired area. It’s for cuts and grazes etc but works well on boils….one side is shiny. I put the ichthyol on that, and then tape it on. And yes, it really sux when they come up when you’re due for a wax! Anyway, hope it bursts soon and doesn’t hurt too much.
Lucy
Is Wilhelm a Bartholin’s Cyst? Because I had one of those and I was BEGGING my doctor to lance it already, it hurt so bad. It was about the size of a chick pea and she said that she wouldn’t lance it unless it got to be the size of a WALNUT!!! I’d've been taking a cleaver to my own ladybits by that point, but frequent hot soaks got rid of the sucker in a week or so. I hope you feel better soon AAG.
Nope, just a garden variety boil.
:)
Oh! Don’t soak. They spread by contact and who knows where he would migrate? Although, I’m thinking there aren’t many places that would be more uncomfortable.
N.
Oh please don’t get me wrong, it’s not your agony I find amusing, just your wonderful way with words :)
BOILS? You’re the Job of the sex bloggers! Watch out for your livestock!
Perhaps you could threaten Wilhelm with a pillar of salt?
Hope you are better, aag.
I used to study Chinese Medicine and it’s a condition known as “Damp Heat in the Lower Jiao”. Coptis can clear it up quickly!
My Hubby always refers to any condition that requires me to take a break from sex for any period of time (except of course the always annoying red monthly visitor) FUSSY PUSSY.
:)
xoxo~Sadie