aag

From another survivor of abuse, A-FUCKING-MEN, lady!

Your posts radiate joy, curiosity, humor, an appetite for new experiences and new knowledge, playfulness, self-reflection, passion, bravery, hope and love. It’s never crossed my mind that you’re acting out - in fact, more than once your blog has inspired me to look for courage I didn’t know I had.

It’s just one opinion from one person, but I don’t think so many of us would keep reading if it were any less than fabulous. But, because your writing is so real, perhaps it also acts as a mirror - people see themselves in your blog and project their lives and personality onto you. I imagine it would be hard to recognize joy if you haven’t experienced much of it yourself.

Thank you for this. This is great.

I’ve never been raped but, like all women, I live in a rape culture and, like all women, the standard of my sexuality is routinely commodified and packaged and sold. Because sexual violence (actually experiencing it or feeling the threat of it) is the norm, then ALL women having sex are either acting out if they do or sheltering themselves from harm if they do not. It’s another version of the virgin/whore dichotomy, really.

AAG, I think you must be an amazing person to have sex with; I think we share the same sexual mores. I was in a conversation with someone recently who tried to say that sex is inherently unequal because one person is the penetrator and the other penetratee. If vaginal/penile in-and-out is all a person sees when they have sex, when, even if that is all you’re into, you view it as something that is “done to” and not something that is reciprocated by rubbing and licking and scratching, that’s not a person I’d want to sleep with.

You are right in so many point and the comment is never wrong ever.

Many victim of abuse may fall in these categories of asexual or over sexual. But you are right in the fact that we are always looking at categories and categorisation as a way to explain what we have difficulty to comprehend.

You are the only person that can define yourself and you cannot let this kind of events put you in categories of all or nothing.

You seems quite confortable in your choices and they are your choices and that’s what’s matter. Most of us act out in a way or another in they life and wish to have done so at other time. Only your level of confort with yourself, in my opinion, will indicate if you are acting out or not.

On another note, I cannot beleive the status that the act of rapping has in our societies. And I strongly beleive that it should be directly associated with torture in the mind of people and the mind of the judicial system.

Maybe one day civilization will find it’s way in our life.

Have a great life, lot’s of fun, life is too short to be boring.

Amen, and amen to what Roxy said. Keep acting out, and keep writing about it. It’s given me the courage to do the same: express my joy!

As long as you are not hurting yourself or others by pursuing your chosen sex life, it isn’t “acting out.”

Acting out is typically action that brings hurt to someone, either a surrogate for the one who did the abusing or to the victim of the abuse (punishing themselves for their part in the abuse…strange I know, but who says it has to make sense).

Some people try to throw the “acting out” phrase around a little too much. Ignore it. It has little or no relevance if no one is being hurt.

Yeah, AAG! You go, girl.

I am also a joyful connessiour of sexual pursuits, although my exploits pale in comparison to yours. I love reading about them and wish I had the courage to more fully explore all that the nether regions have to offer.

And…yes, my childhood was wrought with unpleasantness and neglect…every form of abuse categorized in the annals of psychology 101. I consider my quest for joy as an adult to perhaps be a byproduct of my miserable childhood, although as I was growing up I was only moderately aware that it actually was miserable.

Instead, I think perhaps you and I share another trait. We are both genetically engineered for happiness. We seek it out, rather than waiting and hoping it will find us.

Is that acting out?

I think not.

I think that is simply being quite fortunate. Would that all could possess this trait.

Since I don’t actually “know” you and your entire life, I have to glean my knowledge from your writing. What you write here doesn’t portray an unstable woman who is looking for acceptance and self-worth through her sexual encounters. You sound like a woman who is/has worked through most of her emotionally crippling issues and wants to live the rest of her life on her own terms. What could be better than than?

I wasn’t sexually abused in my childhood and am just now rediscovering my sexual self. I’ve had good and bad experiences, like you have. I also have learned from each one and value each one.
What would arm-chair shrinks say about me?

This is one of my favorite quotes, it’s true for me and maybe for you ~

I’ve left Bethlehem and I feel free… I’ve left the girl I was supposed to be and some day I’ll be born. ~Paula Cole

Its always dangerous; when I read about another person’s experiences that have similarities to my experiences I am tempted to believe that they were motivated by the same things as I was, that they made the same meanings out of them as I did, that they had the same starting place (emotionally? developmentally?) as I did. But thats never true, because that person is not me.

I completely disagree that sexually adventurous behaviour is *always* a way of avoiding the shame of earlier sexual violations, but at the same time sex, alcohol, drugs, work, possessions, competition etc are really popular ways of avoiding all different sources of shame. What the author of the comment was suggesting is not all that uncommon. And she seems to allow for the possibility of the existence of sexual freedom….

Forgive me for relating all this back to stuff I’ve read, but two books I recently finished seem really relevant. The first is Nathanson’s book on shame (for the above bit) and the second is Carse’s book on finite and infinite games. I’m certainly not qualified to judge, but if I’m allowed an opinion I would say that, rather than acting out, it looks to me like you have an infinite player’s attitude to sex, and that’s a good thing.

Carse’s book sounds interesting. I’m going to look for it. Ty! –aag

to who’s standards of acting out?
i’m called to mind george carlin:
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

if one chooses their actions
from a place of internal wellness
not driven by compulsion or addiction
or avoidance or denial
but because of joy and passion
in balance with responsibility
and accountability
then, who the fuck cares?

What I see is a person who has joy and pain, struggles and triumphs, strength and fear. Just like anyone else.

What I get when I read your sex posts is a sense that you are having fun and are getting pleasure. And that, ultimately, is what counts. If that’s acting out then so be it. I don’t think that everything needs a label. What’s important is that you are happy and content with who you are and what you do.

Your happiness is all that matters. However, I wouldn’t call your sexual habits “in the middle”. People must keep in mind that what you read on anybodies blog is about 10-20% true, at the most. I don’t doubt AAG’s post. But I do know three people who write “sex” blogs, and for the most part they tend to exaggerate, a lot.

As long as you’re happy, what others think is totally irrelevant.
You say you have the joy. That is all that is important.

Great post, thank you.

To the people who assume that you’re “acting out,” if it wasn’t past sexual abuse, it would be something else that’s “making” you “act out.”

I wasn’t abused. I had a fairly ideal childhood for the most part. I’ve had people tell me I *must* have been abused and have repressed the memory. Why else would I be so pro-sex. I mean, I have sex with many and in a wide variety of ways. *Obviously* something must be wrong with me!

When those same people find out that my father died when I was a pre-adolescent, for example, they seem to think “OH, that explains it all.” Of course, unless I was also psychic, that doesn’t explain why my interest in sex and the basic ingredients of my fantasies haven’t changed since I was about 6.

“Six?” Back to those repressed memories…

NO! I’m just happy. Dammit. :-)

Oops.. end of my own rant.

p.s. copper? I don’t exaggerate on my blog. I just leave out all the boring bits and pieces. :-)

I read the original comment in context, but didn’t “read” it the same way you did.

Compared to what is considered average, you are at the “free for all” extreme. I don’t think the poster felt they were giving the options of only two extremes—but was questioning where your motivations come from. I don’t think asking about your sort of lifestyle denotes that the speaker is thinking only in a binary–they may believe there is a middle ground in which sexual abuse survivors exist sexually, but do not see you as being a part of that. (The middle ground I’m thinking of is the “standard” monogamous and joyful sex with one partner.)

I can, however, absolutely see how it would be annoying as piss to have the same idea thrown at you when you seem quite clearly to fuck for fuck’s sake, and not because you weren’t loved enough or whatever. I think that was really the commenter’s faux pas—not considering your tone and approach to your activities, rather than categorizing them as being one end of the spectrum.

The rant wasn’t motivated only by the comment from earlier this week. That was just the final straw. :) –aag

I think that sex can be used to move through things in your life and teach you something about yourself that you may not have otherwise noticed. We let go of our inhibitions during sex and allow the truest form of ourselves to shine through. It can be surprising to see who we transform into. I think that is why if you look back on past partners the experience is always different, you play off of different part of yourself when you are with someone new.
As long as you are growing as a person through this exploration…then its worth it.

So far nothing has indicated from anything I’ve read here that you’re over compensating or hiding from the world by using sex.

Release? definitely

Joy? you bet

Experimentation? uh-huh (and that’s a good thing)

Over doing it? sometimes but it’s a good kind of tired or sore ;) (lol)

Addicted? ummm sure… just like I am addicted to breathing and eating… :)

Wonderful? Well I think so… hehehe

By the very act of questioning things, not to mention explaining your rationale or thoughts as you go through the many things, it’s clear that you’re ok.

It’s when we don’t question or think that we’re in trouble…

Dave

Quite frankly, AAG, I see you as a butterfly finally emerging from the cocoon you had yourself in for the totality of your marriage. You’re doing what you weren’t able to do during your marriage. It’s kindof what I went through after Idiot: I spent 10 years trying to make it work and it wouldn’t and I really didn’t have the morals capable to let me cheat and experience what I wanted/needed to.
Now, you’re no longer married so you’re experiencing all that you weren’t able to experience when you were married. It’s ’sowing oats’, hon. Enjoy it and keep experiencing joy with what you are doing :)
Not that you need permission ;)

When I first started reading your blog, I strongly wondered whether you were “acting out” as a consequence of prior childhood abuse. After reading this post, I take your word for it that this is not the case. But, no offense, but please let me explain why you will continue to hear the “acting out” question forever, repeatedly. Your sex drive is WAY WAY WAY WAY above normal (and good for you - really - I wish my wife had a little of that going on). Other sex bloggers or sex-blog readers are not a representative sample of America, and you and your readership may not have a clue how pathetically little sex is happening in many parts of America today. Undersexed (as in, getting very little) people like me are going to look at your exploits and say “Holy shit! That girl is not normal - there MUST be an explanation for that.” And people desperately try to come up for an explanation for your behavior, because it is so far removed from therir own experience. This is just human nature to try to explain things that are foreign to their worldview. I am not judging, really, but 90% of America cannot FATHOM having sex in front of other people. I mean, there are literally millions of housewives out there who are *genuinely* horrified that their husband - gasp - looked at pornography - Oh my god! When these people get even a minor glimpse into your exploits, it blows their mind, and they desperately try to make sense of it with any explanation they can possibly find. If I showed your website to my wife, or her sisters, or my mom, or my friends’ wives, their brains would explode. REALLY.

BTW, no, I do not hang out with religious people. More the overly educated, 80 hour workweek professional consumerist uptight demographic if anything.

One more thing, AAG. You must have some girlfriends or relatives, from some period of your life, who are NOT into sex. Do you have any idea why these people are that way? What is different about them, compared to you? I would love to hear you speculate about this. Thanks

:)

My partners friend is head of mental health for a country in Europe. He asked if my partner and I wouldn’t mind siting in on some evalutations for a teaching hospital.

So we participated in counselling with a fantastic counsellor as part of an experimentation regime.

My partner and I are both very sexual and neither of us have suffered any previous *abuse* in any way. As a twist (and without the counsellors knowlledge) we agreed (paper scissors rock) in advance which of us had been abused and which of us hadn’t.

The individual sessions went well and then we got together as a couple. It was clearly and sensibly explained to me that I was taking advantage of my partners previous abuse (this is what controlling men do) and it would be better for all, and the longivity of our relationship, if I restrained myself, giving my partner an opportunity to revert to a more *normal* level of sexuality.

We asked a myriad of questions, trying to determine exactly why I was so sexual without previous abuse yet it required my partner to be abused to be this sexual. We could only conclude, with the counsellors help, that there are predators who seek out prey and you can be born a predator but get made into prey.

We then tried to determine why we switch the dominant role constantly (sometimes mid stream so to speak) if my partner is the prey and that led us to determine that once again she was just trying to please me and really it would be the best to vanillarize the situation as much as possible.

With this strange look on both our faces the counsellor finally said

“Enough of the texhbook shit. You both appear to be well adjusted and happy. You are obviously having a wonderful fucking time, enjoy it for gods sake”

I have been pondering if my own sex drive and my sex life might mean I am actually a sex addict. Then I think about how bizarre it is that women with high sex drives and wild sex lives are often considered to be sex addicts or with a history of sexual abuse and so forth, but men with high sex drives and wild sex lives are just “boys being boys.” I am not sure if there would even be a point to seeing a therapist to inquire as so much of our society - including therapists - have a very black and white view of people, sex, and gender roles/behavior.

Your post was wonderfully written, respectful, and strong, and I hope that the individual who wrote that comment will begin to see for herself that people are not black and white/binary as you put it and start seeing people as the individuals that they are instead.

I know I have not been reading or commenting to your blog for a very long time, but I am proud of you, regardless. Keep up the positive work!

This is hardly scientific, but I think it’s not an “addiction” until it is starts to have highly negative effects on the rest of your life…and you still keep on doing it. –aag

When did we all decide that our behavior is driven most strongly by our negative experiences.
When I write, I’m trying to again capture that time when the piece came out beautifully and captured exactly what I wanted to say. I’m not trying to negate the ones that were weak.
When I play, I’m also hoping for that peak experience, not trying to recover from that game I couldn’t do anything right.
When I go to work, I’m hoping to relive that day when the problems seemed solvable and I was able to help, not exepcting another day when all I do is flail around overwhelmed.
When I have sex, it’s in the expectation of that moment when we forget about ourselves in each other’s presence and can truly experience each other, not trying to react to that first awful experience.
I do all those things as often as balance allows (no position jokes necessary) because I want that peak experience as often as I can grasp it and I want to get better at being prepared for it. No one should worry about me being addicted to them or acting out through them.

I won’t reiterate what your readers have said but thought you might want to check out a post I wrote o n Huffington that considers this question:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/suzanne-portnoy/what-your-parents-dont-kn_b_99016.html