On Compatability Matching

I’m becoming increasingly annoyed with something I’m seeing on my favorite pervy little dating site.

Granted, I’m pretty happy with how things are going for me there. I’m surrounded by a crew of happy perverted friends and acquaintances, as well as a few lovers who have been in (and out of) my bed for around a year now. I’m not particularly interested in expanding my circle much at the moment, so maybe my annoyance is bred more from complacency rather than a valid complaint.

I leave my profile turned on so that I can continue to interact with my pervy friends. I’ve changed the wording to indicate that I’m quite happy with the contacts I have, though I’d love to continue meeting people who are in the same local groups I’m in.

Nevertheless, I get emails nearly every day from men eager to strike up a connection. This is nothing uncommon. I hear from my female friends that no matter how strongly worded are their profiles, some men ignore the meaning and try to make a match where there is none.

If I’m in a fine mood, I reiterate the gist of my profile and point these lost souls toward the local groups, where I hope they can find someone to tickle their fancy. And that’s fine. Can’t blame a guy for trying. Hope springs eternal and all that.

The problem I have is with the way some of these men try to catch my attention. In a first or second email, they promise me the very moon of orgasmic delights. Here, let me quote:

I’ve been told I’m an amazing lover. I’ve got exceptional sexual skills. Always a repeat performer and an expert at making ladies have their first or best squirting experience.

Intellect is where all sensuality begins and the mind is our best sex organ. I’ve got a great intellect as well as a horny cock, very long and very thick. Let me use it to give you exactly what you need.

I’ve never had an unsatisfied partner. Can’t wait for you to see me in person and find out how hard I can make you cum.

Would it be too harsh to say that these emails leave me icy?

I may not know much about sex but this I know for sure: If Person A’s fantasies revolve around moonlight, white cotton nightgowns and tenderly strewn rose petals while Person B prefers hot wax, latex and nipples pierced by a dozen tiny needles, there’s little chance that they’ll be able to please each other.

Their individual technical proficiencies count for not very much at all. For a stranger to promise me — or anyone — untold delights in a cold-call email is incredibly arrogant and ill-informed. No one can make good on that promise. No one has all the skills, or the interest, or the heart to do that.

Might I suggest a better approach? Something which would indicate interest without making overly ambitious promises? How about this (choose one from each category):

Hi There,

Just read your profile and I’m quite intrigued. I’m also a big fan of (The White Stripes / ST: TNG / skirt steaks), and I share your distaste for (cybersex / urolagnia / clowns / Republicans).

I’ve been on the site for (a day / a week / three months / two decades) and have had pretty good luck meeting some wonderful (women / men / people / lovers / bedmates / spouses) . I hope you’ve had just as wonderful experiences as I’ve had.

We seem to have a few things in common. I’d love to get to know you a little better. Maybe we could (talk / email / instant message / play a quick round of mini-golf) and see if there there’s a good connection?

Looking forward to hearing back from you. If not, I wish you the very best luck (on the site / in life / during your next romp in bed).

Sincerely,

See, that would at least make me think I was dealing with an intelligent human being instead of a raging hard on that had evolved the ability to type.

What would you like to hear in an initial dating site email? What would make your fingers itch to hit the “reply” button? Do share, below.