aag

Interesting. I’ve never looked at someone’s status on a personals or social networking site listed as “divorced” and thought “failure.”

I have no negative reaction to reading “divorced” at all. Whereas, I have had negative reactions to reading “separated.” I’d read “separated” and think “stuck” or “indecisive.” I’d had a rule not to go for anyone separated. Divorced, no problem. People grow apart sometimes. It just happens. No big thang.

I remember once I talked to a guy on a personals site and he’d listed himself as “single” when it turned out he’d been married for many years and was now divorced. I remember thinking THAT was way somehow weird, that he’d try to hide it. And that it also might indicate some unhealthy hangup he still had around the marriage/divorce, that he couldn’t even be up front about it. Or that he thought he’d pull more people saying “single” or something.

But that’s just me, of course. I think whatever word feels most like you feel is fine to go with.

I’ve found that any indelible, life-altering events always leave me a little sad, a little wistful. I think it’s because those moments are a little like mourning. You’re sad because something you’ve grown accustomed to is gone.

I felt it when I graduated college, knowing that I’d likely rarely or never see any of the people or things that had defined my life for several years.

Of course, a few weeks later, I got my first Real Job ™ paycheck and was a-okay. Likewise, you’ll likely find something to…crap I almost typed a Peaches lyric.

Rainbows are overrated. Yes, they are colorful, and pretty, but they vanish very quickly, and there’s never any money left over at the end of them.

Huh. Kind of like my experience at a strip club.

Blue mood today, right?
Well, ‘divorced’ says ‘failure’ that’s right but not a shameful failure, IMO. There are hundred millions of ‘divorced’ out there. It’s sad, but that’s just how life is.

I do feel for you in reading this response, in that I sense I am headed down the same path. I have been through the years of knowing something was off, time trying to fix it without my wife putting in what was needed, then last & this year of just dealing with the status quo and now feeling like I’ve had enough and need to take care of my own emotional and mental health. And get laid! Seriously, no one should have as little sex as I have had in this marriage…

Go with Single. I did that after I got divorced for anything that asked me that question. Why do they need to know I was married and now I am not? Stupid distniction, it should go from most paperwork.

So many people are divorced these days that I can’t imagine it being considered a sign of failure.

whatever your definition of your marital (or not) state, you sound Strong.

best wishes for the next stage.

Whatever you say and feel it’s still bloody good news - congratulations! When my papers suddenly arrived in January I felt an enormous sense of release - at long last I could move on and get on with life and so could she.

I don’t feel any sense of failure and nor should you :o)

Isn’t ANYONE going to mention the absurdity of this post and its responses? Minutes after the legal system and a reluctant spouse grant you freedom from the contract you clearly neither understood nor valued, you apply the same BS and rationalization that blinded your eyes to the reason he didn’t ’snap into shape.”

If the ONLY options are married or not married, you can get away with that crap - which is why in the presence of 2 choices one is usually NEVER BEEN MARRIED. When given 7 options for married but looking, attached, divorced, etc, it’s not so YOU can CHOOSE, it’s because OTHER PEOPLE you’re hoping to meet EXPECT honesty. If you can’t fathom “do unto others,” just reach for the primitive part of your brain that keeps the cunny-to-fellatio ratio greater than one.

There are plenty of people who will still give you their money, time, and sex if you say “I wasn’t a good wife, I don’t want to be a good wife, and I’m happy to discuss this in more detail should we decide to pursue a more meaningful relationship.”

The sound you hear is the societal pendulum swinging back, if you’re going to be a bi-poly-group-sexing-hedonist to fuel your career as a pornographer, why participate with trepidation while waiting for the other shoe to drop? Be honest and dive into your immorality head first!

Unless, of course, you really lack the maturity you claim…

Unless, of course,

Wow. Angry much?

wow nice

i think you may feel… later that is, that divorced is the more honest term. i don’t think you’re wrong to say single but i think you’ll eventually change it. it’ll just feel more true.

as for the ‘good wife’ thing honey it takes two. if he wasn’t there there’s not a thing you could have done. i don’t see why a bad marriage means you’re a bad wife to EVERYONE though… i mean there’s lots of men who like polyamorous ass fucking bi hedonist pornographers…

anyway darlin i had a strange feeling of letdown myself when my papers arrived and yet there i was expecting rainbows or relief

I think I came in about the time the bathroom on the second floor decided it wanted to be on the first floor. Back then we were both in unhappy, but somehow we found our way to being happy (happier). Your way was to uncouple and mine was to recouple, two different approaches for two different people. I’m glad they both worked.

Your marriage failed, but I don’t feel that you did. You tried hard and I read about that. In the end, though, the two of you just couldn’t understand each other. A marriage can’t stay in existence without understanding. That understanding can include anything, even buttsex and sex parties. I bet there are plenty of married couples at those parties, btw.

Your status is only important in your own head. Pick anything, it doesn’t matter, just be yourself.

Don’t feel like a failure. Things and especially people change over time. Sometimes the changes are so drastic that person A and B no longer fit as they once did. It is not a failure on anyone’s part, it is merely Life moving in it’s weird, cryptic flow. If one or both persons in a marriage are not willing to or simply can’t adjust and enjoy the desires of the other then it breaks down. Just life.

It sux, but it is not a failure.

Big old virtual hug for you.

PB

No rainbow, but a silver lining, perhaps? Might as well make the most of these metaphors.

Honesty is the best policy…single infers never been married and on some sights, says it in black and white. Divorced is not a shameful event. I think it shows decisiveness and the good kind of self preservation.

And…if you are single, then what about those beautiful children? Do you not tell your dates about your kids?

AAG,
Divorce isn’t failure, it’s just an ending, although painful regardless because it is the death of a relationship and the dreams and hopes that go with it.

I think being honest is really important - and that goes for a dating site too. Yes, you are now single, and you are also divorced.

And what about your kids ?

Better to be up-front, than to have to start explaining yourself from day one to someone, or having them think it is a lie of ommission and lose trust in you.

Even on those sites, you have to think “how would I feel if someone represented themsellves as one way and then I found out that they were another ?” Trust is fragile, even on something little…

My point exactly, BIG, though most build Maslow’s pyramid in upside-down fashion!

Isn’t it amazing how both sides will hire lawyers to close a 30 year note, fine-tooth a four year lease, and neither discuss terms nor set performance goals for a life long contract capable of reproducing life - let along discuss riders like “the area code rule,” “only if it’s oral,” or “polyamory = polynomial.”

May I honestly enter into a similarly-styled relationship with an intelligent, open-minded women willing to accept me and my distractions? If we establish and manage expectations in real-time, it matters not what happened, just that the insult didn’t progress to untreated injury.

Sadly, Enron-like embezzlement begins with expense account fraud, progresses undetected to kickbacks/overpayments to bona-fide contractors, and by the time accounting finds the $250,000 in no-bid contracts paid to family consulting firms, the damage is done. The same team permitting a culture of dishonesty must either admit failure, investigate a crime defined by the perpetrator, or attempt build a future out of fear and suspicion. It’s the same for an intimate relationship regardless of whether affection was embezzled to pay a prostitute or attention was embezzled to seek a promotion.

In the absence of cure you can only prevent, and given the value of what you described, it’s common sense to keep your tank full with attraction instead of more volatlie promotion. Should you run out of gas and need someone else to fill the tank, it’s up to me to realize you’re feeling needy and remind you lying about watching BBC2 when you were hosting 2 BBC will only hurt you more tomorrow when you look in the mirror.

No one’s asking either partner to be perfect, and if the courtship process suggests the partnership isn’t willing to be supportive and nurturing instead of sabotaging its very nature - get help, get lost, or get the most out of it before it ends. Just don’t get married or pretend that you don’t need to seek and LISTEN to your partners honest feedback.

Here’s hoping the teen oral queens, locker room lipstick lesbians, and after-school anal-sex friends with benefits claiming to be virgins and collecting abstinence scholarships “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow” when the POTUS or VEEP nominee stands by her man this fall. We need them to provide jobs to those for whom he expanded federal education dollars later denied for smoking the same dope he did - or else mentally bankrupt parents in 2012 will skip payroll savings for pay-site spending - and replace their children’s jocks and cleats with g-strings and clear heels to cover the costs.

Don’t worry, though, this hit’s on me :)

This really confuses me. *shaking head and wandering off…* –aag

Dude, who said that AAG didn’t try to work things out with her husband? I mean, just because she writes about the bad things here ( which I understand her doing since she needs to vent) doesn’t mean she didn’t try on her part.

Her marriage ended. She isn’t going to blame him, just like she never has, because it has always been a two way street. Maybe she seems to shift the blame on him, but that may be because he hurt her in ways where there was a trust there.

AAG, I don’t think you writing ’single’ instead of ‘divorced’ is a bad thing, unless of course, you’re trying to mislead future partners. I know that’s not what your trying to do. Anyway, I’m glad that you finalized your divorce and wish a lot unto you.

Bills are a pain in the ass.

not having been divorced, I don’t know the feeling you’re expressing having received the papers finalizing it. I am sorry though that it is distressing you.

I would like to chime in on the single vs. divorced status. You have always struck me as a person who is unflinchingly honest about who you are. I think that if you look inside yourself you’ll realize that even if YOU don’t see a difference between being single and being divorced, society does. Personally I think you are much more capable of putting your marital past behind you and react to new relationships without the prejudice of your previous experience, but there are those out there who, real or imagined, do think that divorced women bring the (negative) baggage of their previous marriages with them to new relationships. And rightly or wrongly they make the initial decision about whom they want to date based on this. So, like a few commenters above, I think it only fair to be honest and list your status as divorced. Especially for the men who make a distinction between the two.

BTW, your decision to select single instead of divorced kinda sounds like a rationalization to me. So, maybe, you yourself see a distinction between the two and don’t like it.

Or I could just be full of shit and not know what I’m talking about, in which case - never mind.

i will say in regards to your status though that i am a tall woman and when a man says he’s 6′ and then comes up to my eyebrows (and i’m 5′11) i IMMEDIATEY think “what else is he lying about?”

that’s the only reason your status might get you in trouble you know?

AAG,

I just want to say that I have been through one, and I am currently going through another. After the first one, I felt that it was a positive life affirming thing for me. It was still sad, because when one invests 20+ years in anything, there is a huge sense of loss. However the second one was initiated by her, and it has been quick and extremely painful, and when I lay eyes on the second decree, I will probably cry for a long time. All of that to say keep your chin up. I am planning to recover from the beating that my heart is taking at the moment, and having been where you are now, I can say that if you keep focusing on your kids, your freedom, and your own self determination, you will come through it just fine.

And do not give a second thought to what some of these unsupportive nimrods are saying! I cannot know what you are going through, and I have done similar things twice. People who have never been through it have NO CLUE.

*hug*

Congratulations, dearheart. Sad and final fits what you’re going through pretty well, also not wanting to celebrate — or to have to point it out.

Yes, it’s a failure. And yes, it was the right thing to do no matter how sometimes hard it is for everyone.

(And if saying you are divorced was meant as a warning, there’s nothing in you to warn anybody off from.)

I know it was sad and final when I got divorced. I spent the next six years having sex and the fact that I wasn’t living with my kids every day alternate in my mind — the way they say sex usually keeps popping into your mind. Then I moved in with my girlfriend. Missing my children was magically no longer my every wakening thought, but I still miss having not bring them as much as possible every day back then, but they sure are fun now and so are our grandchildren, their children.

Also, something to file away, “Marriages come and go, but divorces last forever.” It seems flip or trite or uniformed, but I wished I’d known it when I first got divorced.

And, thanks, Rex. I hope to never go through a second one, I can’t know what you and agg are going through, but I can’t agree more about not knowing about a divorce unless you’ve gone through. It is and was and remains the saddest, most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done or gone through. It’s just hard and there’s no way of getting around it.

*hug* and *hug* and *hug*

Hang in there!

My thoughts about “shame….. ” are mostly unprintable.. I am not sure to whom he is lecturing, but it surely is more than just you.

I have been reading your blog since the time you struggled to make it work. You are not a failure, and I think you would be a great partner to the right kind of person. The relationship was not working. It was never going to work. And you bent over backwards for a long time until your spine was practically permanently deformed.

Sadness at the end of something that lasted so long is understandable. I certainly felt it after my (completely necessary in my mind) divorce. Peace of mind and happiness will come.

E

AAG… you should put whatever you want to put..

.. But, you should be prepared to deal with the consequences (and I’m quite sure that you are .. so no biggie.. )

.. BUT.. here’s the thing- you know there are differences between “single- never been married- no kids (SNBM-NK)” and “single- never been married- with kids (SNBM-WK)” and “divorced- no kids (DNK)” and “divorced- with kids (DWK)”.

.. AND.. in my view, the key thing is, “how is your past going to affect your future?”.. there’s probably more similarity between SNBM-NK and DNK, than there is between SNBM-NK and SNBM-WK, OR between DNK and DWK.

.. AND lastly.. what are you looking for, and what’s the best way to get that, AND at what point do you want to “reveal” that you are DWK, and how will the (dis)honesty of the timing of your revelation affect your relationship…

Hope that didn’t sound preachy.. I was just tryng to be logical..

I understand the feeling AAG… you shouldn’t have to expect to feel any which way… you feel the way you do, and as you know it will change, develop and morph into other feelings.

Just my opinion but I have never read “single” to mean “never married”. Single to me means exactly that… you are not attached to anybody in particular at that given time. You can be divorced and single, widowed and single, etc etc… it just means you don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend or marital spouse. I consider somebody who’s got an exclusive boyfriend/girflriend relationship to not be single. (I mean really, if someone posted they were single and you found out they were living with someone, but were not married… now THAT would be misleading!)

As for Shame!… seems like it might be an automated spammer, esp considering the second post. Or they stopped taking the Lithium…

If someone had reached the age of 35 and had never been married, I would wonder about their ability to have deep relationship way more than a divorcee. By 40, I’d wonder even more. Trying and divorcing feels way more comfortable to me than someone who never put themselves in a vulnerable positition.

Divorces aren’t fun. They are sad. They are ick. They bring up all sorts of stuff, even when they are the best choice for all concerned. Just is what it is.

I, personally, love that you wished somehow it would magically heal and be OK. I love that you feel all your feelings and let them flow through. I love that you had the courage to do what you needed to do and not run from all that’s come up.

Heck..it means you’re alive. And it says to me you’re way healthy no matter what you choose to call this new “state” you are in.

Many, mucho, beaucoups hugs from an admirer.

AAG - I realize when you put your world out here for the rest of the world to see, there will always be those who will criticize. I don’t doubt you expected that to happen. But from reading your posts I also understand this was the right thing to do. The moment it became final should hurt a bit. It should cause you to reflect. And then you move on because you did what you needed to do in order to be happy. Good for you AAG!

Well, I am happy for you. Mine was final on St. Pat’s Day three years ago, an extra happy thing as I am Irish! There were rainbows and a pot of gold. HUR.

If nothing else congrats on getting some form of closure.

As someone who has just gone through what you are going though with pretty much the same timing except my divorce came through last October all I can say is I am sorry. Nothing else really suffices does it?

I was the one putting the divorce through when she left so I knew it was all coming but I can tell you the day the paperwork came thought was very, very hard. Even though I wanted it over and had accepted what had happened I was devastated.

Still it does get better, I now have a new lady in my life and its wonderful. Take care as today could be a hard one for you in the quiet times. Although who am I kidding you don’t get those.

Anyway thanks for all you have written over the last year and a half as you have been an inspiration to me and believe it or not helped me to realize that I wasn’t on my own.

Keep up the good work and all the best.

You may not see the rainbow today, but it’s there. And every day it will become brighter and more vibrant. You’ll notice it one day.

Umm… WOW to some of the responses. What should people care how you describe yourself? It’s like saying Miss., Ms., Mrs. you get to pick the title before your name and correct people when they get it wrong. **Ugh** to ignorant, small-minded people (ISMP) who think they can tell the world how to be. Go with your heart, because even if it leads you down a thorny path you’ll learn more about who you are. Just remember if you do mess up do so with tremendous style and grace, so that even at a low moment you’ve handled yourself better than the ISMP’s of the world. It’s not much but, my God, the best revenge is always success, and I wish you all the success that the world has to offer!

you will see the rainbow one day til then - stay strong <3

It needed doing, and now you’ve done it babes.

A spirit as powerful as yours doesn’t need that piece of … well … doesn’t need him in your way.

Lay on.

*hat tip*

Hugs to you. When my second divorce came through my ex asked if I was ok. It really confused me since he was the one who wanted the divorce. Be thankful that your divorce did not drag out for six years like mine did. I don’t think it really matters if you put single or divorced on forms.

Congratulations on your transition from “separated” to “single”. :-) I’m sure you’re feeling a bit of shock, or strangeness, at your new state…and the health insurance situation sicks ass, to be sure…

Hopefully you get a kick-ass book deal and insurance worries will be a long distant memory. Sort of like your ex. ;-)

I’ll never understand the stigma or virtue people place on divorce and marriage or the importance of one tiny little “marital status” box.

My immediate reaction when I see “divorced” instead of “single” is “wow, this person who so hung up on a relationship that ended that they are still defining themselves by it”. Of course, what I do then is read the text that they write about themselves and decide from that if I’m going to contact them or not. Hell, I’m more concerned with the “do you have kids” box than the marital status box.

Is it safe to assume that I’m the only person who is suspicious of decades-long marriages? I’m sure it’s possible to still be happy after 20+ years, but I’ve never seen it.

you know
in my sorta similar situation
i’m finding that even though i want it
the not being married anymore part
there are miles and miles of
idealism & romanticism & childish dreams
yet to be carefully, compassionately
waded through in myself
there is a whole identity of “me”
that, while not strictly true, it turns out
still sometimes feels safer
or righter
as far as the rest of the world goes
and while we are as surely - and as rightly -
heading for divorce
i’m not ready to use that word
either

Wow. You’ve got a lot of hard road in front of you.

I can’t related directly–I’ve never married, but I know that the coming years will not be easy for you.

I wish you the strength, courage, and compassion you will need to divide the upbringing of children between two households, and I wish your no-longer-STB-but-now-really-truly-officially ex the same strength and kindness and ability to turn away wrath.

I do hope you keep writing, and I don’t think you’re an immoral woman–and I’m a born-again fundamentalist Christian. (Admittedly, my religious friends worry about me. [shrug]).

A pornographer you might be, but I don’t think pornography and erotic art are exactly new *or* bad–Solomon wrote the book on erotic poetry.

God bless you in the adventure ahead.

And here’s hoping that even if today doesn’t have any rainbows, the future holds a few.

Congratulations! (Because I don’t know how else to signify that something you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived.) And the sentiment is offered sincerely.

” … (I hoped that) when I told him I wanted the divorce that he’d snap into shape. Instead, within days he’d produced a nearly-complete list of how he wanted to divide assets, debts and care of the children.”

When my ex asked for a divorce, that’s precisely what I did. Not because I wanted the divorce — HELL no, I didn’t want it — but because her line was delivered with such finality. No list of demands, no request for counseling, no room for discussion, no suggestions about how I could make life together easier for her … just a calm, “I want a divorce.”

As the sky fell with a deafening roar all around us, I said. “OK.” What else does one say?

Me? I’m DIVORCED; not single; not “no longer married.” Hester Prynne wore her scarlet “A” with dignity, so I can endure my day-glo “D” and, on most days, hold my head up and smile.

Wow you still are such a powerful writer. Its been a while… a LONG while since I have read your blog. In fact you inspired me to try it my self… I got outed right away… not cagey enough I guess… all that to say Congratulations and I am so sorry for your loss. Your dreams of long ago that have been slowly eroded by the slow crushing forces of the glacial pressures of the modern life. But you are now free to pursue your own directions at your own pace and with your own… what ever it is that motivates you.
As to the loss of your dreams from my experience there is nothing that can replace them… they are gone and sadly very gone. Its now a… again in my experience as a guy a lonely road to rebuilding… but a very satisfying one and hopefully a happier and more informed one for the future.
Good luck to you and by the reading of your blog you should encounter no problem that cant be over cum.

From the little I know based on what I’ve read in your blog, he was not a good husband to you. I am not happy that you are sad, but I am glad you are free of him.

What reaction over a single word. Single implies 1. She is not part of a couple, you are a single. Its her own business to divulge her past status to whomever she chooses, and when.

Girl, I’m right there with you! I could have written this entry with my own hand. Good Luck in this journey! It’s the best thing you could have ever done for yourself AND the kids, even though people try to make you doubt your decision, DON’T!
Another post that speaks to me =) As long as you have a blog, you’ll always have a loyal reader in me~

Frankly, any divorce is sad. It’s an ending, you need to grieve the passing of what was.

My Xh cheated on me twice with 2 different women at work. The first time, I tired to make it work, the second (5 years later), I was done.

Yet, as much as I wanted the divorce. When we were in that law office signing the final papers, we both cried. It was an ending of our family (3 kids) together.

I wouldn’t have him back on a bet or for any amount of money.

Take the good, and move on, and love and enjoy life.

Good luck.