aag

7th Mar, 2008

Outside the Comfort Zone

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Even though he was outside of my comfort zone in several key ways, I decided to meet him for coffee. Stretch yourself, I thought before the date. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Try it, you might like it!

In what ways did he differ from my usual potential partner? First of all, he was slightly older. It’s silly I know, but I tend to worry that once they bump up against some arbitrary number, they will lack the required stamina. The arbitrary number varies based on my mood and a host of other intangibles. It makes no sense. Don’t lecture me.

Also, the tone of his skin was several shades darker than my own goth-girl ghostliness. I’d never before so much as gone for coffee with someone whose skin was that vastly different from mine. I have no reasonable explanation for this, and dammit, it seemed like high time to start thinking outside of that particular box of crayons.

But when I shook his hand across the table at my usual coffee dating location, I noted another small detail that was outside of my comfort zone. His teeth. They were just dreadful. It looked as though he’d not had them cleaned for years — or perhaps he’d never had them cleaned. They lurched this way and that like a row of filthy, decrepit houses.

But I soldiered on. We danced over the topics of children and work; eventually old relationships and political affiliations came under discussion. In each and every way, his answers pushed the envelope of what I’d normally find acceptable.

Finally we moved on to more adult topics. He was kinky, nicely kinky. We tentatively poked around in some of our experiences. He seemed right keen on the idea that I enjoyed playing with women.

Given the kinkiness which he’d already disclosed, I asked what to my mind was the next logical question. “Are you a little bit bi too?” I queried.

“Only when I’m high,” he answered. “I tend to fuck trannies in the ass when I’m high. I’m not bi any other time. Just when I’m stoned.”

In light of the many and extensive differences between this man and myself, I declined his very kind invitation to meet with him a second time in a more private location. I hate to feel like I’m stuck within my own little comfort zone, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

So unless someone can show me that there exists a secret society where stoned transsexual assfuckery is the norm — and compelling evidence that I should embrace such society — I’m not going to feel too terrible about turning him down.

Posted by: aag

Categories:

date

Responses

The teeth alone would have been endgame for me. I can handle hygiene lapses in other areas, but can’t stand gross teeth.

sockrocker’s last blog post..Granola IV

By: sockrocker on March 7th, 2008
at 12:44 am

you had me at the teeth too

badinfluencegirl’s last blog post..oh?

By: badinfluencegirl on March 7th, 2008
at 12:56 am

Exactly my thoughts, as well. The teeth would have been the deal-breaker.

By: Mattie on March 7th, 2008
at 2:17 am

I love you AAG! These people that you hang with certainly make for entertaining reading. I hope that they are made up; or maybe you need to find a new source for your coffee shop.

Made up? Um. No. Reality is stranger than fiction any day of the week. :) –aag

By: indifernet on March 7th, 2008
at 4:18 am

I think the few shades darker or the different-from-yours political affiliations aren’t something to shy away from, maybe even something to seek out. But when TOO many things are different it’s hard to find chemistry, I think.

Maybe new experiences next time. :)

By: Sarah on March 7th, 2008
at 8:03 am

Yep, the teeth would have done me in.

Totally.

gadzooks64’s last blog post..Perceptions

By: gadzooks64 on March 7th, 2008
at 9:01 am

the thing i didn’t say at first thought was that i give you credit for acknowledging that dating outside your skin colour is a bit weird for you. i think that’s true for anyone the first time they do that sort of thing but most of us aren’t so willing to admit it.

i would say though that you should not take this man as an example of the rest of the folks that don’t match you cause this guy sounds like a bit of a case in any colour… (mostly cause he’s in denial about being bi at the very least)

badinfluencegirl’s last blog post..evolving

No, the skin tone was not the issue and of course I don’t believe that everyone of his particular shade (or political affiliation, or etc) hooks up with transsexuals when stoned. Hell it’s not even the hooking up with transsexuals that bothers me. It’s not even particularly the “stoned” that bothers me. It’s the unique combination of doing them WHILE stoned that indicates a lack of judgment, safety and self-knowledge. :) –aag

By: badinfluencegirl on March 7th, 2008
at 9:11 am

I don’t think the skin shade or comfort zone are factors here. The teeth show a hygiene problem and fucking trannies in the ass, only when high, shows a lack of self control. These are both flaws that would cause me to think I am moving out of my comfort zone into the trouble zone.

With regard to your comfort zone, forcing yourself out of it is not always a good thing. The comfort zone is there to keep you out of trouble, but sometimes it stands in the way of personal growth. It is important to understand risks and rewards of stepping out of the comfort zone.

By: Haaaaaaa on March 7th, 2008
at 9:13 am

I never got past the teeth either. Ick.

Seems to me the only thing that was missing (and I feel implied) in his description of his “tendency” was “in the alley next to the dumpster.”

Finn’s last blog post..Friday Freewrite Five

By: Finn on March 7th, 2008
at 10:43 am

as a matter of fact, i can relate. i only hook up with trannies when im high and ive got a big dick and love to have sex for hours. you might have missed out.

By: anon on March 7th, 2008
at 10:57 am

AAG,
The teeth would have been the deal ender, but the trannies when stoned (and probably no protection) would have sealed it even more.
Pete

By: Pete on March 7th, 2008
at 11:01 am

bad teeth just ruin things for me as well.
thank gawd i’m not with my ex with bad teeth anymore!

catastrophe girlfriend’s last blog post..make the drilling stop!

By: catastrophe girlfriend on March 7th, 2008
at 11:15 am

Call me redundant, but it’s the teeth for me too. And I also give you credit for saying that the skincolor change is new and outside your comfort zone– and for being willing to try it out. I just went on a first date with someone who’s skin tone couldn’t be darker and he asked if I normally date outside my race because he “didn’t want to be someone’s first– too much pressure!” LOL

He absolutely was not my first and I am happy to report that stoned transexual assfuckery is not the norm. Neither, btw, is horrid teeth. Try again!

By: (lia) on March 7th, 2008
at 1:57 pm

The teeth sound bad, but the trannie comment was the worst, I think. Like transgendered people aren’t worthy of being fucked at any time other than when he’s high.

Red’s last blog post..False Alarm, and a Dilemma

By: Red on March 7th, 2008
at 4:07 pm

The teeth, the teeth, the teeth….as someone else wrote, I can overlook other hygene concerns, but get the pearly whites cleaned…

By: mal on March 7th, 2008
at 7:35 pm

Oh my bad teeth would be a deal breaker for me to. My friends all have thought I was weird because of that but I can see from the other comments that it must be my friends who are weird.

By: Jennifer on March 7th, 2008
at 8:32 pm

call me crazy but i can’t handle any significant flaw in personal hygiene. It isn’t that hard….

and I have a thing about odors…

By: AlwaysCurious on March 8th, 2008
at 1:01 am

You know what might tip you off about the high thing next time? Bad teeth. We’re not talking the occasional blunt here - what rots teeth quick is crystal meth. And crystal is some hardcore shit that you don’t want to be around. Which also makes me pretty sure that the “trannies” that your almost-friend fucks when high are prostitutes.

So if you have to draw a line somewhere (and I think that you do), I’d say - good choice drawing this one.

By: KC on March 8th, 2008
at 2:14 am

Yep, teeth would have been a deal-breaker for me too…in fact my 18 year old daughter is dating a guy with teeth like that and it creeps me out every time I see him….and that’s my DAUGHTER he’s trying to bed!!!

By: Penelope on March 8th, 2008
at 6:16 am

You can always step outside the box without leaving yourself uncomfortable. Life is hard enough without putting yourself on edge. Do what YOU feel is right.

By: nitebyrd on March 8th, 2008
at 2:11 pm

Fucking trannies up the ass only when stoned… Nice. I’m not a trannie, but I knew one in another place and time. I place myself in his/her shoes and I think: You’d only fucked me up the ass if you were stoned? Nice.

AAG, you must have some hell of a self-control thing going because I probably would have kneed the fucker in the balls whilst kissing his cheek good-bye. Then I would have whispered: Go see a dentist, asshole.

But we meet all kinds. And learn on each occasion.

By: sulpicia on March 8th, 2008
at 4:07 pm

Hell it’s not even the hooking up with transsexuals that bothers me. It’s not even particularly the “stoned” that bothers me. It’s the unique combination of doing them WHILE stoned that indicates a lack of judgment, safety and self-knowledge.

Thank you for clarifying this point, aag, because I was not sure what made you draw the metaphorical line at his revelation, i.e. I tend to fuck trannies in the ass when I’m high. My first reading of the post left me with the impression that you objected to his partners because they were transsexuals. But I found it hard to believe that you would be so small-minded concerning another’s sexual choices. So again, than you for clarifying this.

I agree with KC that the bad teeth may be a sign of a crystal meth habit. Since the drug suppresses inhibition, unprotected sex and a penchant for violence may be part of the sexual menu for this man.

Finally, I would be interested in reading more about how you extricated yourself from this situation, aag. People who have experienced rejection while seeking sexual partners or those who have not sought sexual partners in a long time would be reluctant to abruptly dismiss another human being. Or spend the rest of the weekend feeling guilty about it.

So tell me: how did you say no?

I actually have a little (wholly unexplored) transsexual fetish. Maybe someday…

I simply finished out the coffee date, shook his hand in the parking lot, told him I’d email, and went on my merry way. He emailed me first, and I told him I didn’t think we had enough in common for another date. :) Does that work, Kochanie baby? –aag

By: Kochanie on March 8th, 2008
at 4:12 pm

Outside the comfort zone can be good and/or odd… I’ve never been with a gentlemen of color.. not because I’ve turned them down, I’ve just never been asked at the right time (when I haven’t been in a more or less exclusive relationship)… But there’s just things that either do it for us or don’t… and while we may acknowledge their existence or not, they’re there… to be aware of them is a good thing… however I’m not so sure we can always “overcome” any internal objections–reasonable or not… some things either turn us on or are dealbreakers… and I think we can’t always do anything about that…

But it’s good to be aware of them…

By: minxxa on March 9th, 2008
at 4:36 am