aag

You honestly did everything you could have done. Al-Anon was a great suggestion. People always are moved more by example than words. You provided her with one. I think she will remember you, and your strength, and some day will draw on that. At least, we can hope.

I agree there is not more you could have done.

Hi AAG,

You done did great. That was just perfect– and great advice.

Is the great co-dependent beast lapping at your door?

XO

Chuck

“I’m less ‘alone’ now”

That’s very well put.

http://janeyruthsscreenplays.blogspot.com/

Your response was the right one. Just as nobody can help her husband until he hits some sort of rock-bottom and decides to help himself, nobody can help her until she decides to help herself.

She doesn’t realise that she’s facilitating his alcoholism by being part of his support network - but maybe that’s a role she needs to help build the confidence to make the next move.

Either way, she’s holding the rough end of the pineapple!

I am 48. It took me to around 40 to realize that “I” am in control of my life. That is - that we all live the life that we choose - except for those of us which are less than 18 years old - or physically handicapped. Why did it take me 40 years to realize that I had a direct impact on where I am presently? I don’t know - just like your stylist does not know. I do not think that anyone could have told me that - including you. This little tidbit has to come about all on it’s own.

The part about fear for being alone - well thats a scary thing. Uncertainty - can be a scary thing. But going home to an asshole. That’s scary!

It does kind of bum me out when I become aware of others that are living lives that are miserable. And that they really are sacrificing their one life for fear of uncertainty. I am blessed that I was never in a situation like that where I had to escape from a miserable SOB.

I used to hate it when that happened. Being bludgeoned with way tmi, hair a hostage to the unwanted deluge… My hair used to take so long to treat and I was always afraid that some kind of horrible hair salon Stockholm Syndrome would take place and I’d lose my brain cells and vicariously acquire a hackneyed plot of a life (oh wait…).

I finally, some six or so years ago, just stopped getting my hair cut entirely. My hair’s a wreck of course, but I think it’s worth it.

Salon Stockholm Syndrome—omg you crack me up. –aag

I have this really annoying thing about me where people seem to want to tell me their life stories whether I want to hear it or not. I’ve learned most of them aren’t interested in an opinion as much as someone to empathize with them. Now I just nod my head or agree with them. I think of all the times Mrs told me “I don’t want your advice. I just want someone to listen”.

I’m about as well-socialized as a pit bull, so I can be a little abrupt. When I’m in for a haircut I immediately close my eyes, say nothing, and pretend to be asleep. If I’m really charitable, I might leave my eyes close and just hmm at the appropiate places.

I never engage them in any way. It only encourages the contact. But, like I said, I’m not so warm and fuzzy when it comes to strangers.

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My experience is that if you truly want a better life, you will find the courage to make it so.

Most people like to hear themselves talk. They enjoy the drama in their lives because they revel in the “victim” mentality.

You did what you could and that’s all you could do.

People like to talk to me for some reason. I really wish they wouldn’t, but they do. Because I usually take public transportation, I find my self in the situation you describe at least once a week.

I always regret it when I say more than, “Yep, uh-huh. I understand.” Stick to that script and you’ll be fine in any situation.

For the haircut, get a Flo-bee.

Haaaaaaa

this is the precise reason why i love my hair dresser. she’s young, a bit on the goth side (long, straight, black hair, tattoos, nose piercing) and QUIET AS A ROCK. she’s also hella sexy and plays the “i’m going to pretend my boobs aren’t smashed in your face” game while she washes my hair. hot hot hot.

nenasadije’s last blog post..“if he wasn’t so damn good to me i’d never know he was gone!”

What is the proper response when a near-stranger places upon you this sort of story?

You and I have talked about this “gift” — the uncanny knack we have to elicit confidences from complete strangers. I think your response as described was appropriate. You could not solve her problems, but you did not add to them by offering indifference or cruelty, which is what others may have offered her.

First, you did not tell her how stupid she was for not getting out of her marriage. Second, you did not pretend to be uninterested, which would have diminished her self-esteem even more. As for Al-Anon, the suggestion is a great one in theory but, in reality each group has its own dynamics. I suspect that the dynamics of the Al-Anon group she participated in was less than kind. And that young woman desperately needed to speak to someone, someone who was kind.

The greatly missed Magdelena of Myths and Metawhores once said, if I can recall her wise words correctly, Do not regret your kindness to a stranger, for that stranger may be me. Based on what you have told us, aag, I don’t think you have any cause for regret.

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In nursing they teach you to rephrase and repeat. That way the person believes you are listening to them and understanding what they are saying and you don’t have to get involved. Works like a dream.

I too have that everybody everywhere insists on telling me their life stories. My boss wouldn’t sit with me on an airplane…she didn’t want to hear it and knew i would get it. I would see her start to laugh the next row up when the story began.

N.

I think everything you said to her was spot on, very wise words. She has to grasp the concept before she can help herself, it doesn’t sound like she’s there yet.

Poor cow, you just feel like shaking her awake.

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Some people enjoy the pity-party more than positive results. Not saying she’s one of them, just saying it happens. Don’t get absorbed in it.

Um, I think we’re forgetting something very important here, people.

How did your hair turn out??

Oh, it pretty much always looks exactly the same… :) –aag

“Nod, smile!” as a friend used to say. She was from Texas, where politeness is something people actually work on and care about. So I assume that’s the right thing to do.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that it doesn’t matter what I say. People will only hear what they are ready to hear, literally “can’t” hear it if not. Sounds like you politely opened doors of opportunity for her to learn and she wasn’t ready to walk through. If she had been, she would have repsonded differently and you would have felt it. All you can do is try, and you did.

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Hairdressers, eh? :o)

I read once about some graffiti found in Pompeii tha shows that hairdressers have been the same since the beginning of time. The joke (in Latin, of course!) went:

Hairdresser to Customer: “How would you like your hair cut?”
Customer to Hairdresser: “In silence, if you please”

But, seriously, I have to say that you really do offer top quality advice in a sensitive way, and not just for sex toys :o)

“I can’t change anything I’m doing, or our whole life will fall apart. If he drinks too much and can’t go to work, then we can’t pay the bills. If I don’t drive him places, he’ll drive drunk and get another DUI.”

Well, then he gets another DUI. Perhaps he goes to jail. Nothing she will do will change that.

The thing to realize here is that, as a co-dependant, there’s a part of her that wants to be a victim. Because if she’s a victim, then she has no control over the outcome. As soon as she stops being a victim, she will have to act. And that’s scary.

If she can’t pay the bills, then she can’t. Perhaps it’s time to adopt a lifestyle that has less bills. A smaller place to live, or a better-paying job, or perhaps some sort of assistance.

There are always choices. The thing is, right now, she prefers the way she’s living to those choices.

In al-anon, we speak a lot about detachment. One of the guidelines is: never prevent a crisis, if a crisis is the inevitable outcome of an alcoholic’s actions. In other words, if the dude’s drinking so much that he’s breaking laws, don’t bail his ass out. Let him go to jail. Don’t prevent him (or her) from hitting rock bottom. Because it’s only when an addict hits rock bottom that she or he considers changing his or her ways.

And that goes for the hairdresser, too. Until she’ so sick and tired of her husband’s bullshit behavior that she’ll truly consider what al-anon has to offer, it won’t stick. Maybe it never will.

You did good. she knows the tools are there. It’s up to her to use them.

yeharr

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I think the most important thing you said was, “it’s easier being alone by yourself than with someone else.” (Wow, bad paraphrase!)

That and “I am terrified.”

Do what I do. Get a Polish hairdresser that speaks very little English, and is cute as a button with nice cleavage. She doesn’t talk, and I can get a free show at the same time I’m getting my trim.

Rupert’s last blog post..Freak…

Believe it or not, you are an example of courage and strength to her. She obviously recognized those qualities in you and doesnt feel like she possesses those same traits. She wont be able to take the steps she needs to for herself and her child/children until she taps into her inner strength. Hopefully she will figure it out before something tragic happens. You said the right thing and did all that is really within your power to do for her. The rest is up to her.

There is no right answer. There’s nothing you can do to change her, or her life. That’s why she tells people her story, so that she can justify doing nothing to change it herself. I know that sounds cynical, but it’s hard-won experience from being the recipients of too many people’s stories, and from labouring under the erroneous impression that they cared about my opinion. there’s nothing you can do but drip your good advice on to all the other good advice, and hope that one day the good (”Take action and change your life, and more importantly, your child’s, for the better”) will outweigh the useless (”No, honey, there’s nothing you can do. You’re doing the best you can. You’re being brave and strong and doing the right thing”).

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Did your hair at least turn out better than the converstation?

It sucks that she has to live like that, but as the daughter of an alcoholic, I know that she needs to get out of there with her daughter before that kids grows to resent her life and parents for either drinking or not stopping the drinking.

Snowbunny’s last blog post..Rules of Engagement

1. You said all the right things. YOu can’t make her see things until she’s ready to see them.

2. Will you JUST PLEASE go to my hairdresser? It’s no more expensive than that place and you’ll get a GREAT cut for less drama!!!!! Sheeeesh!!

LOL!