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Sometimes a door is best left shut. Don’t let the cold in.

Life is too short, and there are always new people to meet. Are you afraid to close the door because of your feelings or the ex-lover’s?

The exception is the ex-husband. Because of your children, you will always have a relationship with him. The first priority should be to keep it a healthy working relationship that’s best for the kids. You can never give up on this, no matter how bad things get between the two of you. I know that’s not a sunny thing to say, but it’s true.

I have found that time is sometimes the answer to forming a friendship out of a painful breakup. I know this isn’t your usual pattern, but it may be the path to take in this case.

Many years ago a man I was in love with left me. He moved out of state and I was quite clearly NOT invited to go with him or even encouraged to visit. It hurt. A lot. We had extremely limited contact over the next year while my wounds healed and later became good friends, talking on the phone as often as once a week. We remain good friends to this day, almost 20 years later, although our phone conversations seemed to have morphed into IM chat as of late.

So there is hope, that’s all I’m sayin’.

dude it’s too soon that’s all

tell him to call you in six months … or a year. then? you guys can be friends. now is not the time

course that’s just my two cents

I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time but this is the first time that I’ve left a comment. You wrote EXACTLY what I needed to read and think about at EXACTLY the right moment. Going through a very similar situation. Wonder if we just like the drama of it all because it seems like every time we try to change the dynamic of our relationship, another harsh word or action sparks an ultimatum of “Fuck this! I’m done.” There is so much history there that I hope we can get it together…Anyways, sorry for the ramble but thanks for the posting.

I’m with badinfluencegirl. I’ve had the former lover who “broke up with my friendship” dozens of times. We didn’t speak for 8 months a few years ago. When we came back together, the pain had subsided and we were both able to have our own time to work things out and forgive. It’s been relatively beautiful ever since.

I am exactly the same way and I do it time and time again. I wonder the exact same things you’re wondering and you’re right.. it’s unbelievably frustrating.

It never seems ‘right’ to just let go of something that’s held so much weight and emotion. Obviously if it was that powerful, it’s worth holding onto in whatever capacity you can, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it when you get hurt over and over again. I guess I never see the point in loving someone if it’s so easy to then throw that away when the ‘love’ is over.

This appears to be a time for not only closing the door but locking it as well.

(The pansy is just lovely. A nice view of Spring. New things to come.)

Maybe it is the being shut out by that door. I have a situation that has been on going for three years now and when it suits him he just stops talking to me. Sometimes for months on end. Then suddenly there he is again and always acts like he talked to me the day before. I think soon I will be the one that closes the door on him.

This is me: If I love you, I will always love you even if the relationship changes. And if I need to love you from afar, so be it. But you’ll always live in my heart.

You, my dear, may be like me in this respect. Nothing wrong with it, but not everyone can manage it. You have to let go of your expectations and let him figure it out. Be there if it feels right to you, but let him make the moves.

And if it’s too much of a roller coaster, just love him from afar.

Time to shut the door…and somehow find the strength to leave it shut. Some relationships can morph into something satisfying and worthwhile but you need to be able to recognize those that can’t. The continuing drama and emotional upheaval doesn’t really add anything good to your life, does it? If things remain the same after multiple attempts, then it is time to say goodbye. Finally have gotten there myself after two long years. Don’t waste your energy and emotion for that long…

You’re not an idiot; you just have a big heart. Some people want all (as they see it) or nothing. They are incapable of renegotiating. Any attempt at renegotiating is seen by them as path back to “all”. When they see it isn’t going that way, they get frustrated and leave.

I would just leave the door closed and move on.

What’s that saying?

If you stop checking on the closed door, you’ll be available to look and see who’s just outside the window that God opened.

Or something like that. ; )

I know what you mean about these shifting relationships. It’s interesting to read someone else’s experiences with it right now especially, since I’m sort of in the process of negotiating a new sort of relationship with an ex-lover at the moment. It’s certainly tough, but there -is- so often something worth keeping, isn’t there? Some reason to work through whatever hurts and be close even if it’s not in the same way.

It’s possible the best response to watching this door close is to lock it behind him. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe he just needs time.

Either way, I hope it works out in a way which makes you happy. :)

it’s hard to close those doors, especially when the other person keeps inviting you back.
it sounds like this is going to go on indefinitely unless you do something, and maybe what you need to do is buy a few sturdy chains and deadbolts, and make damn sure that door stays closed the next time it gets slammed in your face.
you get nothing out of him manipulating you like this - call his bluff for long enough to know whether he truly misses you, or if he’s just having a little dramatic fun at your expense.

I think it depends if your unwillingness to shut the door is because there is still something worth saving, or just because you are unable to break away. Sometimes it’s best to let it lie, and see if it finds its own way to take on a new, less contentious form. it’s to your credit that many of your relationships do manage to make it to that stage - it shows there was value there despite the change in circumstances.

i’m in a similar situation but it’s also complicated by the fact that i work with and share a pretty tight group of friends with this woman…it harder to maintain boundries when you see each other often.
but i understand the frustration. i don’t have the luxury of walking away and giving it time, but i don’t want to have a fight every week either.
i just have to roll things for now and hope that a great friendship can be salvaged at some point.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to “renegotiate, redefine, reframe” a relationship. I’m quite convinced that this is the only way to keep a relationship going.

How many good relationships have failed because the people in it and their environment have changed and they’ve not been prepared or able to do just what you set such store by? I could weep …

Yet sometimes it’s just not possible and then, yes, all you can do is close the door and accept that the relationship is over. For someone like you, recognising that and taking that decision will always be hard.

Go easy on yourself. Maybe this is one of those times; maybe it isn’t. The coming days and weeks may make it clear to you. The one thing that won’t help, for sure, is flaying yourself as an idiot because you’re listening to your heart.

Hugs. Let me know if you need anything, to talk/vent/etc.

-Es.

For me, learned after many painful years of holding on, holding on, holding on; if the present cannot be reasonably attractive to me, ie, unless I would be attracted to her with all the drama as you describe it happening right now, then I am holding on to a euphoric memory, not really negotiating in the present.

I am 100% with BadInfluenceGirl maybe after a year or so of no contact or almost no contact, something could be negotiated that is peaceful that adds to your life. Right now, it does not sound like it adds anything but emotional stress, which is not good for you, and not good for the babies.

many hugs, all support.
E

One wrong word, one ill-timed turn of phrase, one small misstep and it all crashes down again. The door slams. We’re done.

50/50 on this? Or is he harder on you than you on him?

My dear, you are worth so much more than you credit yourself with. You are all that & a bag of chips. Really. You are all that. And if he doesn’t see how awesome you are - I’m not sure it’s worth pursuing….

Really.

I used to always close every door, period. I would also bolt it, and nail it shut, then drywall over that and then paint a nice seascape on.

I prefer now to try and keep them open, or at least not be the one who closes… If the one on the other side is a bit off center, oh well.. I always leave myself open to be a friend… but, not a doormat.

PBZ

Sometimes you have to shut the door for your own sake. You should be your first responsibility in any relationship with another adult. If his door-slamming is hurting you, it’s time to install a lock on your side and leave it locked until *you* are healed enough to deal with him. Why let him have all of the control?

Shut the door! Then bolt and lock it.

He’s still taking you for an emotional roller-coaster ride and you’re too good for that.

It really seems to come down to your decision as to whether or not there is something worth salvaging, as you noted. If there isn’t, you’ll end up closing the door eventually. If there is, then probably not. Perhaps the in-out-back-forth is just the changing patterns, as the relationship works into new areas?

Dunno, but you have good thoughts and hugs coming your way.

Finn so echoes my sentiments about this.

In this vein, I quite often think of the few old girlfriends I’ve had throughout my life. I wonder how they are and how their lives are. I know that neither of us would be in the same place in our current lives if we had stayed together, but I always hope everything turned out the way they wanted and that they are well.

Is this a marriage escapism fantasy? Maybe. But I guess I would wish I could just tell them, “You are so beautiful, and meant so much to me.” Maybe with the passage of time I could now say the things that never seemed to come out right back then.

Am I weird or self-indugent?

Call yourself bighearted… an eternal optimist… you care. Sometimes that means you hurt too unfortunately.

The pattern of opening the door a bit and then misspoken words end up closing it again, isn’t something unique or new.

It goes with being sensitive on both sides of the door… as well as only opening up the door a crack. I’m not saying fling it wide open and return the the previously “bad” behavior. But when you only open the door so far, things that would have previously rolled right off one person suddenly don’t anymore. Rather than asking for clarity or pausing, things start getting out of hand again.

Sometimes you have to repeat the pattern enough so that you go “whoa..” and break it suddenly somehow. Laughter can work sometimes or it can piss the other person off I’ve found if they aren’t in the same place right there with me. (I suffer horrendously with hoof-in-mouth sometimes).

Wish I could impart wisdom beyond my years (ha-ha-ha) or even at whatever years I am now, but I can’t. Best I can say is I’ve been there and done that but I still haven’t found *the* solution.

I will say that one thing that has been surprising is that it always seems to come down to my last “one more”. I finally decide there’s nothing left to lose, I open up, pour my soul out and simply lay it out as I feel it but in a nice way. Then things start improving.

What seems to happen from there is I either get too cautious and am too conservative (not quite myself), or I start moving ahead too fast and try to get back to where the relationship was at it’s peak. I personally, need to figure out how to keep in sync better and go with the flow a bit more. Don’t rush. Don’t hold back unduly so.

Hang in there.

I hear ya. I always give people another chance, I always try to make things work at some level, long after most people would give up.

And sometimes, eventually I cross a line. It doesn’t happen often. It takes a LOT to get me there. But once I’m over that line, the door is slammed and locked and the key is thrown away.

You know I just realized. No one has ever tried to open the door after that point - because it’s always obvious, or they don’t want to change, or whatever reason…. So while I think of it as permanent, I suppose I just don’t know.

Wise or not, you just have to do what feels right to you. If the door is meant to be closed it will be in due time.