Considering that it lasted only ten minutes, it was surprisingly grueling.
I’m sure there’s a sound reason they asked the questions they did, and yet each one seemed specifically designed to twist the knife deeper. Why did they need me to state when and where we were married? Was there a point in making me recite the children’s names and birth dates? And the address of the house?
All of this information was on paperwork directly in front of both the judge and the lawyer, paperwork that I’d filled out many months ago with blood instead of ink. Did they really have to hear the information from my mouth?
I stumbled over the date of the marriage even though my mind was already too much on that day. As we’d walked the two blocks from my lawyer’s office to the courthouse, I was struck with the similarities between the two days. The marriage and the court date were separated by some six months (and many years), but they both featured rapidly falling temperatures, heavy winds and strong storms.
Eerie.
Nearly every question I fumbled, even such a simple thing as my age. I’d been throwing up (from stress or nerves or a bug) for the prior eighteen hours; between my peaked appearance and twisted tongue, the judge must have thought that he was speaking to not only a failure at marriage but also a complete idiot.
And then it was over. If things continue to go as they have gone (in other words, far better than I’d ever hoped), all that’s left is some final paperwork. A few more signatures. Another check or two written to the attorney.
Simple, right? Nothing to it. Nothing at all.
At least you didn’t cry. I cried like I was dying at both of my divorces. Last time I was before the judge for child support he suggested if I decided to get married or have any more children to talk to him first.
And did you very politely tell him to fuck himself?
:)
People cant understand that feeling unless they’ve lived through it. I know exactly what you are talking about and i totally get it. Even if you wanted the divorce, its still an ass whoopin. All I can tell you is hang in there, that feeling you have will subside with time.
Oh god..
Poor baby
It’s so different for women
The system was just an annoyance for me.
I was divorced in my mind as soon as the door closed.
The court and lawyer shit was just cost and annoyance.
But that’s also part of not having children involved. *sigh*
*beaming good energy your way*
I haven’t lived through divorce, biu I have lived through court. Court is a demeaning experience for all involved.
I’m smiling for you that this chapter is over in your life.
A big haaaaaaa to you!
Hi AAG,
Big hugs and kisses. It sucks.
For me, my first divorce, I was young, and after the legal separation document (done by lawyers) I just let it go, cuz I didn’t want to deal with it.
But you have kids, so you couldn’t practice my method–
“There is no problem so big that you cannot run away from it.”
XOXO
Chuck
I know that you’re writing about the worst of it, but for those of us who’ve been reading you since early on, and who’ve watched everything finally unravel, it still sounds like wonderful news that you’re nearly there.
My divorce finally came through a couple of weeks ago, and although it’d been a bloody long time coming it still came as almost a surprise, but there was a wonderful feeling of a new life opening up.
Really pleased for you!
Really tell us about the other side! There must be another side. I too went through my divorce. It took a long time to realize many things and get over it. But I did experiance some liberating feelings also. Let us here about those feelings! I know that they aree there also.
But maybe my divorce was much much different than yours.
This may seem strange, but me and ex-wifie went to her place afterwards (we drove together) and fucked! How many divorced couples fuck each other within 2 hours of signing the papers. What a great way to say goodbye.
Oh aag,
I completely commiserate. I felt like such a failure even though I was doing the right thing. Ironic how such a positive step can feel like getting smacked with a 2×4 while having your spleen ripped out.
ya, good times.
Hang in there girl. It does get better. Every single day :-)
Please do not beat yourself up. As an attorney who has done my fair share of divorce hearings, I can honestly tell you that no one handles it very well. The questions we have to ask, and the answers that must be on the record, are pretty ridiculous. “Grueling” is a very accurate description, and you have my sympathies. But please spend no more time worrying about what the judge or anyone else thought; we all understand. Take care.
Even when you want the divorce very much, it’s still hard.
I remember standing in front of the judge answering the questions. It only took 10 minutes to put an end to 30+ years. I did think, “Jeez, that’s it?”
I haven’t gone through it, yet. But I know many who have. I dread the nightmare of court and lawyers.
Big hugs from this end of the world…(((HUG)))
I hope your tummy gets better too.
DaNewb
I went through divorce in 2000. Like someone said above, it was over when the door closed, the court appearance was just a minor detail. We also had no kids, so it made things pretty simple.
But what I really came here to ask is, what ever happened to Half Naked Thursdays (HNT)?
Just missing them recently…
This post really hit home for me. I am going through a divorce now and am anxious for things to be over. Yet at the same time I am dreading it, because of exactly the things you wrote about. I’m sorry you are sad and don’t feel well. Get well soon, AAG!
most people that i see go through the (grueling) Final Hearing find it to be cathartic, *eventually*. i hope it is *eventually* that for you too.
It is difficult – it is, in a sense, admitting defeat. Hang in there – just remember why? Then smile…you survived a hard thing.
Never simple, and i know you are too complex a person to just make this huge change without a care in the world or some acknowledgment. But so worth it. That has already been proven but as time passes you will really realize what a good thing all this upheaval created.
I don’t know if this helps any, but there are two reasons why you got asked those questions when the “paperwork [was] directly in front of both the judge and the lawyer”; first, to make a court record (and it’s knee-jerk, even if there wasn’t a court reporter or tape recorder), and two, to make sure that you’re the person who is supposed to be there (yes, sometimes spouses bring ringers for the actual divorce!). Your hesitation is natural. All concerned know, even if we forget to verbalize it, that the hearing is emotionally upsetting for most people. I’ve had clients do everything on the emotional gamut from breaking down sobbing to breaking out dancing. The judge and the lawyers know it takes two to fail at a marriage, and that it didn’t work isn’t a comment on you as a person. (And especially for you as a woman, b/c it seems to me that we often take “blame” in a way men don’t.) Please imagine those few minutes as a highly unpleasant rite of passage, and live your life well – the best revenge.
It’s not different for women. J9 is right. Even if you want it, it sucks ass (in a bad way). It sucks for everyone.
The good news is, it sucks for everyone, meaning you’re not a failure. You’re smack in the middle of the bell curve.
Hi AAG,
I have been a poster before, and I have read every post you have written, even the old archived ones (thanks!). I know very well the scenario you describe. My lawyer’s office was a 10 minute walk on a beautiful sunny clear winter day from the courtroom 3 years ago. I remember it like it was earlier today. I wanted out more than anything in the world, but it was still traumatic to spend 20 minutes ending a 22 year affiliation. I remember how surreal it was to walk to the courthouse married and to walk back, unmarried. My heart goes out to you. It is never easy, even if it is what you want. Keep your chin up, and know that there is much love for you in the nebulous world of the Internet!
I can’t imagine f*cking my ex while we were married, let alone on the day we were divorced! (Except for the bend over and take it kind of screwing in the divorce) Been there, Sister. But luckily, I did not have to talk to a judge. It is not as “easy” as we are led to believe simply because we want it to happen. But it will feel so good when it’s over. Trust me.
My ex and I fucked after court the day of our divorce too. I think we were both sad, even though it was the best thing that could have happened. It was, interestingly, some of the best sex we ever had.
Hang in there, aag. It gets easier, I promise.
Dee
Feeling for you AAG, even though it’s desired and wanted, hard to have something that’s been a huge part of your life.
Sending hugs and good thoughts to you
AAG,
I wondered about the questions as well during my divorce.
Pete
What is with you people fucking your exes? Buncha pervs. :)
Hi AAG,
Fucking your exes, if the sex was good, is a divine pleasure– because while you’re doing the fucking, you’re having a feeling that you know you’ll probably never have again!
Of course, if your ex is a lame fuck, there’s no point– unless you need a reminder why you left in the first place…
XOXO
Chuck
Divorce? Simple. Nothing to it.
Not exactly. All those years, all that effort … for what?
Best wishes to you, dear.