Words act like trellises. They stand still; they allow thoughts to wind around, to climb, to scramble up their solid sturdiness.
I can give you the trellis, but the thoughts that grow up around that trellis are yours. No matter how well-constructed the trellis might seem to me, I have very little if any control over what plants will grow up it when you anchor that trellis in your own garden.
That’s the trouble with and the beauty of words.
All of which is a round-about way of saying that I don’t like the term “birth mother” as it applies to my own little family. I have no issue when other people use it for the biological parents of their children, but for whatever reason, it seems not to work so well for me.
So I call the woman who carried and gave birth to my babies their mother. Their fathers I know either not well or not at all. They are not in the picture to the degree their mother is; even so, I have a hard time calling them birth fathers.
Mother will have to suffice, at least until someone comes up with a better word. She is their mother and I’m their mother. There’s plenty of room in this relationship for two mothers. There’s more than enough love to go around.
This works fine for me and thus far hasn’t confused the little ones. They seem hip to the idea of having two mommies and a daddy, at least for now. At some point, when the sociological and psychological implications of this arrangement become more evident to them, I’ll have a lot more ‘splainin’ to do, but for now we’re all cool.
Baby the Larger can tell you that she grew in Jenna’s tummy, and that she loves Jenna, and that the last time she went to visit Jenna, she threw up. All of this is perfectly true, although I have to wonder if she feels that throwing up is an integral part of visiting her mother.
My eldest child can add to this story the fact that Jenna loves the babies but is not old enough to take care of them, so that’s why they live with us. She can tell you that her younger siblings grew in someone else’s tummy while she grew in my tummy.
She usually seems to grasp the fact that children by birth or adoption are equally loved, unless it’s a question of who has first dibs on my lap, in which case she’d prefer that the biological child be given the right of first refusal.
It’s only confusing for people outside the family, who hear me refer to “their mother” and say, “Wait, aren’t you their mother?” Why yes, yes I am—but couldn’t we please expand the definition so that more than one mother could exist at the same time?
If words are like trellises and thoughts are like plants, then mightn’t there be some really lovely plants that would grow up around such a newly-remodeled trellis?
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I gots more swag tommorrer. We are replete with swag ’round these parts. Come back then and throw yer name in the hat, wontcha?
You know, I am a firm believer that over structured labels are bad and those who have to apply them to their lives and refuse to broaden their minds are missing the point.
From what I get from reading this, there is a whole lot of mommy love being handed out, and who can complain about that? No matter what you call who it comes from.
Cheers to you, AAG!!!
DaNewb
It is a good thing for kids when there is extra love thrown their way. Sits to wait for tomorrow so I don’t miss seeing the surely awesome swag.
You are completely right. Children’s notion of family is instinctive, not societal, until they learn otherwise, and even then, I believe, they can accept that there is a norm for society in general and one that applies to them.
I dreaded having to explain to my daughter why her father was such a non-presence in her life, and it turned out easier than I thought: she simply looked around her and concluded that while most people had fathers, she didn’t – just as some people have straight hair and some curly. A friend of mine has two adopted children and one birth child. The biological child was the one with her nose put out of joint, because she hated the fact that the other two had been chosen, while she had just turned up.
Whatever politicians try to tell us, families are what we make of them, and they are composed of those who love us unconditionally, irrespective of DNA. I’m sure your children will know this, and count the love, not the blood ties.
Your babies are blessed with two smart, loving mothers. Why does that have to be labeled with a word to make the ignorant happy?
just as we are the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, we are the families we imagine our families to be.
I have three moms. My Mom is my mom, though she is my “adopted Mom”. Bleh, that sounds as bad as “birthmother”. My mom’s partner is my “other mother” and my “birthmother” is Kathy.
I dont know, they are all mom in a lot of different ways.
Thank you for sharing yourself here. I really enjoy your blog a lot.
Katie
We have so many moms & dads ’round here I have to draw an org chart to help people understand. I have 3 biological children with different fathers, each of whom now has another partner, one adopted child who is biologically my niece and my husband who isn’t biologically related to anyone! To top it off, we are polyamorous and have each had secondary partners, some with children! It truly takes a village and my kids are cool and wonderful people and their lives have been fuller as a result. To quote “Barney” (which I promise I don’t do often) “A family is people and a family is love.”
D
well i like your definition and personally i see NO reason why your babies shouldn’t have two mommies and a daddy
seems like just extra awesome to me.
also i don’t do the swag, it seems unfair since i review toys… but man you’ve had some great stuff lately
Seems to me that Newb has it right on- there’s a lot of mommy love, and there’s a lot of babies, and if you put that together, you get a lot of love in a family. So who cares what other labels people seem to need?
Just keep on loving those babies
Being an adopted baby (many many long years ago :o) I have only ever had ONE mother, and that’s the mother that raised me.
I have my parents, and then I have my “biological parents”
*shrug*
it is good to see the myth of motherhood upturned.
Hopefully the next generation will be even more accepting of the varied and wonderful mechanics of families.
I understand where you’re coming from. We have an adopted son and I call the woman who gave birth to him his mother. She’s his mother as much as I am albeit in different ways. The only one I object to is “real” mother. WTF? Does that mean one of us is the fake mother? I hate that one.
Thanks for clearing that up, I missed a few months last year.
But you know what they say, “It takes a village!” You can never have enough caring individuals in life.
That is most certainly true. I cannot imagine raising these children without her in our lives. :)