During the last grueling year of my marriage, I harbored a faint hope that as soon as I was free to date again, I’d chance upon a man who was in a similar situation as myself: single, horny as fuck, hard-working, and interested in hammering out some sort of unofficial yet close friendship.
I didn’t attach this hope to any one particular person. In fact I hesitate even to call it a “hope.” It was more like a thought of, “Hm, wouldn’t that be convenient.”
Now, after a year of post-separation dating, I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s not going to happen. Or maybe I’m just in a foul mood as I write this. Who knows.
In either case, I’m beginning to believe that I am sitting in a vast lonely movie theater. Every so often someone sits next to me, or I take the initiative to seek out another solitary watcher.
We talk about what appears on the screen, but before long it becomes painfully apparent that we are watching different movies. We argue, because one or both of us believe that our version is the correct one.
But it’s not.
Neither one has the correct version. There is no correct version. There’s no projectionist sitting in a booth high above our heads. There is in fact nothing at all on the screen.
I’m making up my own movie as I go along, and anyone I sit next to is making up his own movie as well. But I keep forgetting that there’s no movie, and he keeps forgetting too—or else he never knew.
So we argue about what we see, and sooner or later one of us walks (or stomps) off to find more agreeable companionship.
I need something to remind me every single day that there is no movie. Someone needs to make a pill that would make me remember. I’d put it in my little dispenser and gulp it down faithfully each day.
I understood that the world was nothing: a mechanical chaos of casual, brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. I understood that, finally and absolutely, I alone exist. All the rest, I saw, is merely what pushes me, or what I push against, blindly-as blindly as all that is not myself pushes back. I create the whole universe, blink by blink. J. Gardner, Grendel
In all the existential angst I forgot to mention
that there is SWAG TOMORROW.
ouch
i must tell you that i went four years (and one bed buddy for six months of it) without a useful date… but then i got one that surprises me with his awesomeness…
i’m still rather unbelieving of the whole thing.
that said, i think someone will arrive when the time is right… god i hate myself, i can’t believe i just typed that
Sadly not very encouraging, but I too must relate my experiences.
It is difficult to find someone with whom to resolve a “unofficial yet close friendship.” At least it is if you are thoughtful, and determined not to compromise.
That being said, after many, many years I have succeed in this respect.
In the interim there have, of course, been “bed buddies” – happily all still friends.
I am sure someone will arrive, when the time is right. Good luck
I found your blog “I don’t know how” but I like it.
What I’ve to tell you is that losing hope in getting results is not such a good idea…
The thing is that the one person that you’re looking for, will arrive whenever you don’t expect him.
I want to argue AAG I have a movie. It is not on the screen though it is generated in my own mind.
I guess that’s one of the reasons that I quit going to the movies…
I am of a firm belief that there IS in fact someone that is the right match for everyone out there. No matter how wild their kink is. Keep looking, that person is out there.
Here’s a big hug for encouragement, a bit of butter for the popcorn if you will.
DaNewb
I wasn’t talking only about dating but about dealing with people in general.
Oh, yeah! People in general are just the worst.
Hey AAG! I’m playing hooky from work and going to see a bad movie this afternoon by myself! Come join me!!! I’ll pay for the Raisinettes!
the “something” is self-awareness and the knowledge that YOU make the CHOICE to deal or not to deal with a particular person…to love or not to love. arguing and stomping off may happen but it’s not always a given. you make the choice re: your behavior. you make the choice re: how you process their behavior.
There IS such a pill. It’s called Prozac.
I love Gardner.
Makes me think about the little Southie kid who, in “Good Will Hunting, after Matt Damon viciously dissects the pretentious poser douche in the bar and stomps off, tosses a peanut in his mouth and smirks at the girls and says:
“my boy’s wicked smaht”
*chuckle*
That is a really good metaphor for the whole dating experience, and better than my usual saying, “people are crazy.” Dating is kind of like that horrible cough you get after a cold, no fun coughing up flem but it has to be done if you are going to feel better. Maybe. I liked your metaphor better. :D
There’s a difference between fucking and dating as I was told. Really didn’t know what that meant until I experienced it this first year out on my own.
Getting the two confused a couple times really messes things up too, don’tcha know. LOL
As Dory would say, “just keep swimming”
Wow that is the second time I’ve relied upon Dory wisdom today. LOL
Must be time for the weekend. :)
Excellent metaphor.
AAG, wow, this post hits close to home. I often feel quite exactly the same.
I have enjoyed your blog for well over a year now, and occasionally think, ” It would be great to have AAG for a freind with benefits”. After reading some of your posts I believe that we share similar tastes. However fantasy is one thing and reality is another. Completly.
I just wanted to say thanks for the mental images that make me smile, and sharing a small part of you with us. Good Luck.
In all the gin joints in all the world, there are enough drunken monkeys on their keyboards to pound out a screenplay that roughly approximates your own.
You’ll bump into your drunken monkey sooner or later. Sorry it hasn’t been sooner for you. Everyone needs someone that gets them, and gets their (possibly skewed) view of the world.
-The Geek
Heh. New tagline alert.
:)
I hear you and am inhabiting a similar theatre.
Just… *Hugs*
Maybe you need to look for somebody different. Somebody completely not your type. Somebody you normally wouldn’t have looked twice at. You might end up pleasantly surprised.
My god ! the first person I’ve come across who’s read Grendel !! I think it’s a book for depressives actually – but magnificently written – which fits your state of mind perhaps. You’ve only been separated a few months and, in reality you have to “decompress” from the STBex asshole before you’ll be ready for whatever relationships await you… don’t give up yet!
Marriage is not death!! But it is the death of hope!!
You obviously regained your sense of hope and fantasy.
There is a fine line betweeen dreams and memory.
M.
Marriage is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Dating is at least a temporary solution.
Fuck the movie, just HAVE SEX and enjoy yourself.
Really, why are you sitting there next to the dude in the theatre, instead of running your fingers up his thighs and massaging his rapidly-engorging cock through his jeans, until he can’t stand it anymore?
Sheesh.
I’m talking more about an outlook on life in general, not so much about…
Oh never mind.
*grumble*
:)
Ah come now – for people are moving in and out of that theatre on a daily basis – and while (as my old grandad said to me) the majority of the people in the world will leave no more than a faint impression on a weatherbeaten brow – i have no doubt that the one handsome type who’s thee to a tee will be buying his ticket and sitting on the back row very soon!
Good luck – ad great blog by the way xx
lv James
Yikes. Deep and depressing but painfully accurate. A nice metaphor for human interaction. And also tragically inescapable.
I’ve been divorced for abut a year now, after 25 years of marriage to the girl of my dreams.
Depression was all over me until I realized that I was subconciously looking for another wife. Forced myself to stop looking, because, as you said, “I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s not going to happen.” It certainly isn’t going to happen tomorrow or next week (I’m not that easy) and maybe not next year and maybe never.
Once you truly believe that, then you’re free of the pressure of finding a new wife/husband, and can relax with the idea of cultivating close friends. Early results have been positive in my personal testing.
Having several close friends will allow you to change theater seats without stomping and/or throwing popcorn.
Best of luck, dear! I’ll be back around. I’m a sucker for language skills!