Typically that’s thought to be a dreadful beginning, but in this case it is apt.
It would be more apt to say that it was a stormy and dark night, because the storminess preceded the dark by some half-hour, a half-hour full of winds blustering and ice pinging.
Then there was a snap, then a half-hearted attempt to restart, then an eerily silent dark. My house suckles greedily upon the wrinkled teat of an antiquated substation. It is ripped from its meal every time it storms, every time it ices, every time an eyelash from a flea lands upon a line.
The neighbors enjoy a shiny-new substation; they taunt me with the glow from their teevees, porch lights and holiday decorations. I watch from the shadows with murderous envy.
First there comes a moment of denial, when my head cannot accept that the power is gone. That night I cast about for things to do other than lie on the couch and suffer, because as the wind blew and the power died I was in the full feverish throes of the flu.
Then came the difficult part. I can handle pain with the best of them, I think…as long as I know how long it will last. And that’s always the problem, isn’t it? You never can be assured how long any pain will last.
I worried, lying on the couch that night, because I know the difficulties my town has had in shoring things up after an outage. It must by now all be held together by baling wire and Band-Aids; there have been times when my neighbors enjoyed double-digit hours of heating, cooking and Mixmastering while I languished in the dark.
I wished as I suffered for someone to fold a warm washcloth across my forehead. That sounded like the most heavenly thing in the world. So did Tylenol, and a large glass of icy water. I wanted him to bring me a heavier blanket, to pull up a chair beside the couch, to offer to find care for my children the next day.
He would have gone on a hunt for a flashlight (and batteries, because I can’t keep living batteries in flashlights to save my soul). He would have hauled the trash to the curb. He would have rubbed my sore shoulders, kissed my hot neck and told me that it all would pass in a matter of hours.
He didn’t appear except in my wishes, so I did those things myself. Except for the washcloth, which seemed unnecessarily self-indulgent. And the neck-kissing, which seemed creepy.
The storm did pass, of course. The power blipped back on just as the Tylenol took effect. I got the trash to the curb without the world coming to an end. I vowed to buy enough “D” batteries to fill every flashlight in the house. I put myself to bed and hoped that everything would be back to normal by the light of day.
It was.
And this is how I know I’m nowhere ready for a “serious” relationship. I want a partner in my house when I am in need, but not when I am strong. That’s no way to start a relationship. I’ll know I’m ready for something more serious when I want him there all the time…and not just when the power goes out.
Hmmm, could this be your dark before the light?
how do you ever know you’re ready?
every time i thought i was ready and then nothing happened and i had more time to heal and i would think back and go ‘i so wasn’t ready *then*’ and now you know what i think?
i think it happens when it happens, right or wrong, time or no… and until then you must live your life needing only yourself.
You’re very wise to realize.
You need a hand crank flashlight
And a hand crank computer.
And a hand crank heater.
And a hand crank vibrator.
:)
My children stole all the flash lights in this house and broke them. We would be so out of luck without power. When I stopped looking for a man one popped up in my life. Unfortunately he was not ready and it has been almost three years of waiting for him to be ready for more. I enjoy reading your blog very much. Last week sucked my power supply on my computer died and I could read your blog.
I know that feeling, and I think you’re very wise to realize the difference between wanting someone for your comfort and wanting someone for who they are. Or something like that ;)
However, I think you should have indulged yourself in a warm washcloth, one must take care of oneself, you know!
Well said! I can’t say how many times I’ve come to this realization myself.
It sounds cliche, but really you know yourself best and you’ll know when you’re ready. I’m sorry… I wish I was there to put the washcloth on your head! Sometimes a friend is just as good in these situations!
And the neck-kissing, which seemed creepy.”
Not to mention physically impossible!
There’s an old “thing” that my mom used to say, whether a proverb or folk wisdom or just something she made up, I don’t know- but at it’s root, it simply told us that “Things happen when they’re going to happen, and we’ll be given the (strength, courage, love, whatever is appropriate) to handle it when it does.”
Not so sure I agree with her, all the time, but it’s comforting, in some way.
If you find the hand-cranked vibe, be sure to review it, okay? We spend Christmas vacation in a log cabin, with no electricity, and who knows when my wife’ll need one!
Ruth,
:)
Next time, go for the washcloth. Everyone deserves some self-indulgence.
You are a very wise woman, aag.
Why can’t we just rent out someone to comfort us when we need it?
And do get that washcloth next time. Then you can close your eyes and imagine his hands on your shoulders and mouth on your neck.
oh, aag, would we were all there to shower you with washcloths and kisses and soup. and batteries!
well, maybe not shower, precisely. that could be mighty uncomfortable. but there would certainly be an abundance of batteries. heck, with as many infatuated readers as you’ve got, you’d probably get a sweet generator setup!
oh! and as for alternative powered vibrators… blowfish has ‘em in solar-powered and automobile-friendly versions!
I’ve tried a solar-powered one! It sucked!
:)
Wow that is very insightful.
What a huge moment of growth and maturity and self-awareness and wisdom!
I have the opposite problem: I always long for a partner when times are good and things are going great for me. But when things are not going well and life gets hard, then I just want to be alone.
Makes me a great date but a shitty husband.