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With great reluctance I recently exchanged a fist-full of my precious dollarz for some few hours of my baby sitter’s time.
I hate to spend money on such a thing, but as the weight of a score of tedious jobs had been pressing down relentlessly on my shoulders for many long days, and many more long days stood between me and getting those jobs completed, I felt that it was a necessity of the same magnitude as eating.
As always, I made a detailed list of all the things I wanted to accomplish. But before I dove into the jobs (jobs which would have taken many times longer if I’d been “helped” by a pair of enthusiastic but knuckle-headed toddlers), I took my camera to a park near my house.
The instant I stepped from the minivan (camera strap wrapped around my hand, spare battery in my pocket), I realized how very long it had been since I’d taken a picture that didn’t prominently feature a small grubby face.
About a month? Maybe longer?
As I took pictures, I realized how much tension had collected in my shoulders and back. I noted the change between my usual breaths and the much deeper breathing I could indulge in when I wasn’t poised to bark a hasty warning to some little person intent on leaping from the back of the couch.
To tell the truth, that morning I spent less time shooting pictures and more time just sitting on a bench in the chilly morning sun. I stared blankly off into the middle distance and thought of absolutely nothing: nothing about money, nothing about the years of child-rearing ahead of me, nothing about work, nothing about relationships, nothing about how to balance all of the previous items.
Because really, it’s the balance that’s been bedeviling me more than anything since the stb-ex left the house. I know it’s early. Two months is but a toe dipped into the chilly yet stunningly clear waters of unmarriage. I’m still figuring out how to do it all.
This is nothing unique, I’m certain. Every single parent must struggle with how to balance children against everything else. Every person who works from home must figure out how to be away from work when work taunts from the other side of the room every waking hour.
I made no progress in solving those problems that morning. Just breathing deeply was enough.
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