aag

Good god I hate his man. I know you keep telling us he’s not this bad. I suppose depending on one’s perspective, he’s not. I’ve said it before that he’s quite ordinary in the general lack of respect for he has for women and children.

You are a very, very, good and patient woman.

No, I most certainly am not.

:)

My ex husband moved out of the house, in with the woman who is now his wife, moved 20 minutes away and didn’t see his kids for almost 9 months. And they were in their early teens, so I’m not sure which is worse. My daughter, 8 years later, still tries to get lunch with him every once in a while, when he is not too busy. I guess he figures the court was taking his child support, and their ended his duty. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s not easy for you or the kids, no matter what their age.

In that cases we always choose the kids, even if that involved bring them advantages…But I´ve got to learn step by step how to listen, cause it seems that I always begin the interactions on low guard and he (my-ex-he) almost always turns me out of my mind with his restrainted and mature plots, certainly based on the most pure selfishness.
Do we (women, mothers or just not bad people, as you want) lack that kind of all-proof selfishness?
Maybe we are just too busy to think about. As I said to a dear friend of mine: They can get so much knowledge about us! Of course! While we are doing and solving many issues at the same time, they are just watching us, dedicated to find our defects.

I´m a spanish talker ex-wife with three kids, I think I understand you, wishing my bad english not hind your comprehension of my brief thoughts.

Have strength!
Strength for a penny!

I really like your site,
best wishes,

Paula

I have been divorced form a very manipulative and emotionally abusive man for almost a year. Fortunately we had no children. I am sorry that you are shackled to such a person. Hang in there, it sounds like are doing a great job for the kiddies.

It amazes me (sadly) to no end that most men don’t see the joy of being a very involved father…even when it is messy, time-consuming, and/or frustrating. That moment when the little rascal looks up at you and smiles or pulls you close and laughs with joy…it’s worth every moment of frustrations.

Sadly, he’ll never realize what he’s thrown away.

Storm: NINE months ignoring his children?! I can’t even begin to comprehend that. I freak out when it’s not my weekend with them!

You remind me a lot of my own mother (except much younger, of course!) She and my father divorced last year after a lifetime of distance and alienation; and every time she speaks of him, it’s as if she is trapped.

He will not abide by the terms of the divorce agreement, insisting on making payments his way. The family’s lake house, which became my mother’s home after the split, has been up for sale since spring. Last week my dad let the contract lapse. So she is stuck.

My siblings are still in college. My mother doesn’t want to speak ill of their dad. I’ve actually sent her a link to one of your previous posts … I think I’ll send her this one as well. I know it’ll help her feel better to know that someone else understands.

Hi AAG,

Guess I’d look at it pragmatically– is the time freed up worth the hassle?

If not, then boot him out of the house and don’t give him those mid-week visitation nights.

Frankly, I just can’t imagine why you’re allowing yourself to be re-traumatized a couple of times a week. How are you going to heal?

XOXO

Chuck

I commend you for trying to keep peace, but most likely he’ll complain about anything as long as he has to put the effort. Sounds like he still has control over you even though you are separated.

I would highly suggest that you move on getting a mediation set up and working out a legal agreement over the visitation, hours, everything. I went two years working just peachy and smoothly with the ex regarding my daughter, visitation and such, and then suddenly his new woman and him felt the need to fight for full custody. Because I didn’t have the nice new house, long term job, new family, I now get visits, no matter how much effort I tried to work with him. A simple thing like filing for custody in my own state before he got some wild hair up his butt would’ve kept my daughter with me and yet I didn’t, thinking ooh, so far so good, it’ll always be like this. So, seven years without my girl, and all because I wanted to “do the right thing”.

I don’t know everything about your life, the prior relationship, but damn, until the foot is down and in his face, he’ll continue to be the spoiled brat he seems to be.

Sorry, if I seem a bit jaded, I am still a little, but I also have learned the hard way that what may seem like the best thing to do at the time…sometimes just bites ya in the ass.

…but cleaning up after them? Not so much.

Based on the above, I doubt if he has ever cleaned a cat litter box.

I know this post is about your children, not your cats, but children are not the only responsibilities that consume your time. And yet, if he was totally out of the picture, you would find a way to get the chores done (with none of that sticky guilt residue that leftover spouses leave behind).

I do feel for your eldest chld, AAG. She does not see all stb-ex’s faults, she just longs for her father. She probably dreams about that window overlooking the driveway.

And I do feel for you, AAG, caught in this situation. Courage.

The only problem with all of this is, if some or all of the stuff you wrote about your “friend” may not have been entirely true (as previously implied), then perhaps some or all of the stuff about you and the stb-ex is also not true.

On that basis, all comments are superfluous - commenting on a potential fiction is a bit like worrying about the state of the Simpson’s marriage.

He is an absolute knob. When I was separated from MrsB, I couldn’t have imagined acting this way. Then again, that’s my point of view.

Once again I’m struck with the fact that somehow we have the same ex-husband! I can tell you that as painful as it was, when I ultimately had to take each step to force more responsibility (using that word VERY loosely) the kids were able to adjust to whatever change that involved. Mine are older than yours, but that might actually make it easier for yours to deal with, I don’t know. You’ll know (because you rock) how to present it to them in a way that shields their feelings, protects their love for their father, and yet gets him to either do what he needs to do, or not come over on the weeknights. I did find (for me, ymmv) that getting him OUT of my house for visits was better for MY mental health, which ended up being ok for the kids too. Whatever you decide, hang in there (ick, what a trite phrase!)

It’s obvious that your stb-ex is experiencing a severe case of PAP (passive aggressive prickness).
He still blames you for the separation and will continue to do so by getting back at you in what ever manner he can, even using the children. I don’t think that by you just being submissive to his whims will solve a thing. Unfortunately he is too dense to realize that he is cultivating some traumatic abandonment issues for your eldest. As hard as it may be, perhaps you should discuss these issues one-on-one, or with a mediator. Best wishes.

My parents divorced when I was around 2, and my mum elected to move closer to her parents, for the (emotional and child related) support my dad would not give her.

Living about 6 hours from him made me an extreme inconvenience to his life. He would take me for visitis maybe twice a year, for about a week each time, and that was it. Eventually the fact that I was clearly not worth the effort for him (if he was busy during a time I was off school then I just didn’t see him) was too much for me and I stopped going to see him ( I was a teen by this time and he couldn’t force me to come). I haven’t talked to him in three years now because every single time we spoke he just made me feel guilty, AND said bad things about my mother, which I asked him many times not to do.

I feel for those kids, I honestly do. It’s difficult to feel rejected by one of your parents. I feel, from the little that I know, that you are doing the very best you know how. He certainly doesn’t make it easy.

Thank you for sharing these difficult moments with us. I can relate to so much of what you write from the perspective of the children. No matter what your ex does, those babies have one very loving and caring parent, and that’s worth more than they can know at this time. They will though, in time I promise you they will.

I do not want to tell you how to live your life. But I will say that if you never hold this man accountable, he will never be accountable. The fighting is terrible and stresses you out more than I could possibly imagine or empathize with but your babies want and need their father, even if he is a jerk face. And not to be brutal or cruel in anyway, it seems like you might have a little bit of blame in how he interacts with the children. You made it your responsibility to be their caregiver, to be their everything. I can understand that though, because they seem like such great kids. However, now is the time to put your foot down. He is their father and you are no longer his wife. It is the responsibility of both of you to do what is in the, incredibly difficult and painful, best interest of your children. You take care of those babies and yourself, you all are priority.

IMHO, if a parent, either man or woman, is unable to put their children first and not use them as pawns in their anger/crap with their ex, then to me it throws into question the value of having them in a child’s life.

I know too many women in this situation (some in same-sex relationship break-ups) where their stbx/ex have complete disregard for the well being of their kids. My ex and I have are fair share of crap between us, but we never let it get in the way of being good parents (together) with our child. He is our priority. We were responsible enough to bring him into this world, we MUST be responsible enough to insure he feels secure, loved and happy. (Sorry if i’m coming across as a right-winged father’s rights group asshole…I just feel very strongly about this.)

AGG…I believe you have every right to pull the plug on this man or at the very least, be the one who sets the terms that allows both you and your kids to not have to be burdened by his inability to be a whole dad.

My mother went through the same thing with my father, sometimes we put our love in places very undeserving, and as sad as it may be some people aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe one day, but not today. My father eventually came around, but after me and my brother were far to old to care. I am afraid of letting my own daughter get too close to him. My point is sometimes you have to let you children see their parent for how they are, I know it seems harsh, but looking back I wish my mother hadn’t shielded me from how my father really was, he used that against her and tried for custody like Freya posted above, luckily I was old enough to put a stop to it. I know how much you want to protect your children, but letting them build this false belief of who their father is will end up hurting you and them in the long run. For all you know he may be telling them that you are asking him to leave.

Good Monday morning to you, AAG.

It sounds like unfortunately (or fortunately for your kids) you are mother and father both with your devotion and sense of responsibility.

Your ex is indeed a sh**bird.

He always seems to leave you with no options - and enjoy doing so.

Make sure all agreements are in writing.
Stick with the agreements (even when he gets whiny) because as soon as YOU give in (and get the dinner, clean up after dinner, let him leave because you’re working, but there), he views it as ‘winning’. And he will NEVER take the responsibility.
Furthermore, it will become YOUR fault that he doesn’t feel like he gets enough visitation with the kids. Not he because he doesn’t want to be there to put them to bed or make dinner for them, but because YOU took over and wouldn’t ALLOW him to have his full visitation.
SO.
Make your agreements in writing. YOU stick by them. Make his whiny ass get them fed and get them ready for bed. When it gets down to ‘But you’re here!’, put your foot down. “I’m WORKING.” And if he gets real whiny about it, LEAVE within 5 minutes of him getting there, and stay away for the full time. He MUST understand that just because you’re physically there doesn’t mean you have the time or resources to be MENTALLY there because you’re working.
If the dumbshit needs an explanation, tell him it’s the equivalent of you dropping the kids off to him 3 hours before he’s done with his day at his office. Since you’re now a writer/reviewer, you’re AT your office.
I can’t get 100% behind your complaints on the visitation. Yes, he wants to be allowed to only want them when they’re clean, fed & entertaining. It’s why I don’t have kids. I get to choose when I can swoop in and be Good Aunt Darkneuro. But you not only allow it, you feed it. You agreed to stay and get them dinner, to get them to bed. Do yourself a favor. Stay away from the house his entire visitation for at least 2 or 3 weeks. 2 or 3 months would be better, but is often impractical. Let him get into his routine with them.
If you must be home to do work, get yourself a pair of headphones and start locking doors to the rooms you’re in. You can’t be there. Really. YOU CAN’T BE THERE. You can’t react to ANYTHING going on in the house. He’s in charge. It’s his balliwick, you’re at work. PERIOD. Because as soon as you take over, he’ll give up doing anything. You had to pretty much force the separation. You had to force the visitation to a certain degree. You’ll have to force him to do more, but that means YOU will have to give up being able to do it all.
But the first thing is make sure everything is outlined in writing (including “if you’re home, this is what you’ll be available for” stuff that YOU can’t back down on).

Actually, Freya’s suggestion might have been exactly the right one…

Everyone else had a point too.

If you protect the kids from seeing who he really is, you may do untold damage to yourself in the long run if he paints himself as the good guy and the victim and you as the bad guy.

It may indeed be necessary to put your foot down and not allow his shennanigans.

Maybe the kids will see his bad behavior for what it is then.

Painful, either way.

My empathy.

Loving Annie

I really feel for you. My ex-bf moved in with another woman within a week of us seperating, which meant I had no time to prepare myself for the thought of another woman being in my little boys life. All the plans we ever make involving our boy are based on his (and her) schedule, what he wants and when. Meaning that even though I am not with him, I still feel like he is controlling my life.

It makes life so difficult, if I change plans even minutely, I am accused of using our son against him, as a tool to get my own way, without him even realising that he does this constantly. The times he’s brought him home earlier than planned because he was grumpy, or because he had made other plans for the evening.. it can be very frustrating.

And no matter how much people say that I should just push him out of my life completely, I can’t. because then I would feel guilty that I was causing my son to miss out on seeing his father. Thankfully though, he is moving out of the country within the next 6 months, but the visitation plans he had were ridiculously and hilariously selfish i.e flying our son to be with him every few weeks, I think he forgot our son would be starting school next year…

Some unsolicited advice:
(and remember, free advice is worth exactly what you pay for it)
He needs to be made that parenting is work as well as fun. If he’s not willing to do the work bit, he doesn’t get the fun bit as well. If you don’t eat your veg, you don’t get dessert. If I were in your shoes, I would hold him to the terms of the original agreement or threaten to fight for full custody - and get it.
You’re bending over backwards to keep this man in your children’s life, but I’m not convinced that’s a good idea for you or your kids. Just because half their DNA is from him doesn’t make his presence at all beneficial. He doesn’t sound like a good influence to me at all, and I’m having a hard time imagining what good he can do for the kids. I think you’re all better off without him.

* “made aware” is what I meant to say.

I’m 28 years old. My biological father was never there for dinner, to play, or to do anything with me. He has 3 other children that he does EVERYTHING with. I’m still having issues over it, and almost wish that I would never have known who he was.

as a family law paralegal i see this kind of stuff every day. i ask you one question, aag, where are the frickin’ boundaries?
granted, i don’t know the entire situation. i hope that sooner or later visitations will take place at his home, not yours, because at this point in time it’s looking a whole lot like babysitting and not anything like parenting.
if you can’t set boundaries while he is exercising “visits” at your home, perhaps it’s time to introduce the children to his place. i know you don’t want to disrupt routines, etc. but when? when will you rid yourself of this man? limiting your contact with him is the only thing that will remedy this situation. if that means you only see him while exchanging babies, so be it and halleluiah.
if you believe some of your babies are too young for over night visits, then the time frame for mid-week visits should be changed to allow cool down time before bed. if your oldest baby is having more pronounced difficulties then perhaps mid-week visits should include the older one ONLY.
bottom line, both you and stb-ex need to get in the habit of living totally separate lives. if he continues to show little-to-no interest in the children, unfortunately the responsibility to clean up the mess will fall to you. but you know what? you cannot litigate parenting. and, you’ve been doing it by yourself all along.

One word:

Boundaries.

You can’t control the kind of parent he’s going to be. But you can draw your own boundaries. Set some. :)

Can you work outside the house? At the library or Starbucks or something? Because if the only way you are going to make him follow the agreement is NOT to be around, then you should work on not being around.

It’s so hard when there are kids involved. And I bet he knows that and is taking advantage. Fucker.

Hi AAG,

Boy, DN really nailed it.

Hats off, DN.

XO

Chuck

“It happens at my house so that the children’s sleeping arrangements are not disturbed and they are where they need to be when they wake in the morning.”

News Flash: you’re getting divorced. Namby-pamby halfway options only prolong the pain, the uncertainty and the hope in your children. End this farcical arrangement. On his nights the kids are in his house. He does not enter your house (other than for picking up his kids), and you don’t enter his.

YOU are causing you children far more damage/pain than you probably care to admit. Your daughter’s tears are on you and your ‘control issues.’

It’s time to start being a bitch. Don’t allow this man to continue to manipulate you, because if you let him, he will.

I know this: I’m a man.

You have been more than understanding and flexible - it’s time to draw the line. If he continues to act the way he does, you’re not going to allow him in your home.

The kids can go to daddy’s for an evening or two per week and you can have some quiet time at your house.

What happened between you two is exclusive of the children - you cannot allow him to use them as pawns in his twisted little game. If he wants to be a shitty dad, it’s his own choice.

I can’t imagine not wanting to spend as much time as I could with my daughter, especially when the split is so new and fresh. They need their Dad around so they know they can count on him being there. They need to know that you both still love them even though you don’t love each other anymore.

When Jane and I separated, our daughter was very young (2 yrs) and wasn’t comfortable staying overnight with me without mommy. It broke my heart, but we worked it out - she would spend the day with me (at my place) and then I would take her home around bedtime and hang out until she was asleep.

Luckily, we worked things out and got back together fairly quickly, so it didn’t end up becoming an issue.

This is too much though. He thinks he still has control over you and, the simple fact is, he can’t do anything to you unless you let him. You hold the cards. So, play them!

Stand up for yourself. He will throw a fit and then back down and acquiesce, just like a typical manipulator always does when someone calls them on their bullshit.

As you well know, you can’t control his behavior. I can’t know what the best solution is to stop him from punishing your children for this situation.

What I do know, having grown up with a father who lived in the same house as me but wanted as little to do with me as possible, is that regardless of his stupidity, your children can still have happy, fulfilled childhoods. While my dad was a complete asshat and psychologically abusive, my mom was (and in many ways still is) my best friend. Even though my 8 year old prayers were filled with pleas for divorce, I knew my mom loved me beyond description. She made a lot of mistakes (what with that whole “being human” thing), but there was never one moment when I doubted how much she loved me. And the vast majority of my memories of growing up are happy ones.

I guess this is a really long way of saying that, regardless of however else you try to adapt in this situation, the fact that you’re making sure you’re there to hold your baby girl when her daddy turns his back on her - that’s the best possible thing you could do for her.

I haven’t read any of the comments here but as I AM around the corner I just feel the need to tell you two things:

1. Stop being a pussy and DO NOT eat dinner with them every night. ENFORCE YOUR OWN RULES!!!!!!

I understand that you want to make things smooth. But he is going to continue taking advantage of you if you keep up this behaviour.

Seriously, use that set of brass balls I know you own and cease to cater to this man’s whims. He is no longer your husband OR your responsibility.

2. Take the laptop and leave the house until the appropriate time. Do your work in a coffee house. Hell, come to MY house. I’m dead serious.

I will reiterate again: STOP KOW TOW-ING TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!

You are such a strong person but you enable his behaviour. It just makes me worry for your own sanity and that of your kids. You do not need to continue to model this sort of relationship for them.

I’d start doing my work at the library if at all possible. And I’d revoke his right to leave before she is asleep. He asked to leave after the children were asleep. That means all the children. He either needs to get with the program or give up visitation rights. If he choses to give up rights, get a court order forcing him to keep his distance and then just tell the kids he died. Having him die would be better than having him fuck their heads up for life.

I’m sure it’s been said at least 35 times already, but what’s beautiful about you as a person is that you don’t get petty in situations like this where a lot of people would. You always keep your children as a top priority and in the end I know they will appreciate it.

Giving him his inch, only leads to him taking a foot. While I can appreciate the desire not to screw up the kids sleep patterns, there comes a time when as previous posters have said, you’ve just got to be a bitch about it.

From my perspective on the Dad side of things, I cannot imagine going into the former home to eat dinner as a family again, that would just pick at the scabs on my heart. Clearly he doesn’t have the wounds to scab over or if he does the dinners are better salve that not.

Time to stand your ground and push him to take care to stick with the original agreement. Time to mediation and a formal legal agreement — don’t let this drag on either.

My best friend put up with some terrible, terrible treatment from her ex on the grounds that he was the only father her children had ever known and they needed him. She finally started standing up for herself when I pointed out that the lesson she was teaching her children was “It’s OK for men to treat your mother badly; it’s OK for you, little boy, to grow up and treat women like this; it’s OK for you, little girl to grow up and be treated like this.”

So, what lesson do you want your kids to end up with?

Said with love and support and a hug - this has to suck for you :)

Mandy

Sounds like he’s checked out. Actually, sounds like he’s been checked out for a very, very long time.

So, why not let go? Let go of him. Teach the kids how to let go of him too. Cancel the evening visits, he doesn’t want them anyway, and have him pay you for a babysitter instead.

You are not going to force this guy to be a doting father, and you’ve already discovered it’s impossible to force him to hold up his end of… anything, really. It sounds to me like he just doesn’t have it in him. Why torment yourself over it?

Keep the kids. Take the money. Let him go.