aag

I wish you the best, and I hope the pain at this moment will be fleeting, and the pleasure of finding what you need, to be very long lasting, indeed.

I’ve been where you are, sometimes something new and wonderful comes along right away, sometimes it takes a while. It may not feel good now, but this too shall pass.

Dang, AAg. Here’s the deal. Yeah, it hurts for awhile…but then the pain dissipates. It sucks wading through the river, but each steps gets you closer to the other side.

When a man breaks my heart, and sadly, like you, I’m not easy to love, and I also seem to extract secrets from people they regret sharing, so my heart gets broken more often than most. But, when a man breaks my heart, each time, it just seems to get a little easier. I remember, and being an accountant, I track the pain’s progress, knowing that a week from now, I’ll stop crying, a month from now, I’ll stop thinking it’s him on the phone, two months, I stop looking for his emails and three months, I can’t remember his phone number.

Hang in there.

You forecast this you know, although that won’t bring you any comfort.

Although right now you’re feeling the chill of walking away from the fire, there’ll soon be a day when you find yourself smiling at the memory of him and you’ll know that he changed you forever.

Err…ouch. That “I haven’t loved you for some time…” thing is the worst. Although when those dirty words are uttered it, strangely enough, doesn’t always stop him/her from fucking you emotionally and physically.

It’s actually worse than the “Can’t we just be friends…?” bulls#!t. Ugh.

May be the right guy at the wrong time. Funny how life is like that, and the only way we will ever know for sure about what all this means is at the end.
So, all the best of luck to you, big hug for the pain, and just keep thinking that you never know what’s around the corner.
And don’t accept any B/S from stb ex !!!!

Sorry to hear of the demise of your relationship. It seemed to carry you through some tough times and provide you with some much deserved distraction, pleasure and support. That said, take a breather and let us (meaning me) know when you are ready to audition new special friends.

Oh my goodness…longtime lurker - first-time poster. I”m so sorry to hear what happened. Timing is a bitch and I’m so sorry this happened.

\Jen

It’s funny … I’ve followed your blog for a while now. It has, in some ways, mirrored my own situation. My STBX and I are not acrimoniously separated, but we are separated. My married lover and I ended it before I was ready and for many of the same reasons - he was in over his head I think, to a large degree. I loved him (still do) and I think he loved me but couldn’t just be at ease with it. He “released” me as well .. to find happiness, to find someone else, to fix what was wrong. And I didn’t want to be “released”. I wanted to be held and loved.

It’s been hard. I still fantasize about him, dream about him, want to be with him desperately. But it’s getting better. It’ll get better for you, too, over time.

My thoughts are with you.

I’m very sorry for this happening to you. You’ve always been straightforward honest and caring, to my experience. I know I wish you good things because you deserve them. Hopefully in time you’ll get the love you deserve.

Damn. I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry, AAG. Hang in there, it’ll get better. Take care of yourself, and remember, we’ll always be here if you need us.

I’m sorry AAG.. sorry it didn’t work out.. you surely put your best in, and you deserved the best in return.. and it did seem that you did get quite a bit in return, but since he didn’t give enough of what you need and deserve, then clearly (well, to me) it’s probably better that it ended rather than continuing further.

Maybe the fact that he told you he hadn’t loved you for “a long while”, maybe that’s a good thing, and maybe it will make it easier for you to move on.

I wish you all the joy and pleasure in the world. You deserve it.

… if I can help in any way…

As crass as it may sound, AAG, be glad. Although it doesn’t feel like it, it was more gentle than it could have been, and really good for a rebound. And yeah.. He qualifies as rebound. Still makes you cry, I know. But.
You survived before, but this? This is growing pains, and it will hurt, but it’s in a good way.

We’re complex and difficult people. I’m not easy to love. In fact I’m pretty much a complete pain in the ass.

No no no. Don’t be silly. Everyone is complex and difficult. Everyone is difficult to love until they find someone who’s right for them. Don’t be so down on yourself. He was married. You’d just come out of a very difficult marriage. Relationships on that sort of basis are never going to be straightforward.

I don’t think you’re naive… i’ll bet he really DOES still love you. but sometimes guys say really hurtful things like that because they want to make sure you get the point; that they no longer want to be with you, for whatever various reasons. Its cruel, a cruel thing to say, and undeserved.

wishing you the best, i know you’ll take it in stride and be strong.

I’m so sorry to hear things have ended this way.

I really hope the pain is short lived and happiness comes your way in multitudes very soon.

I’m sorry that this has happened to you, aag. Breakups hurt like a bitch. Sending hugs!

I’m sorry to read this.

It is a platitude but “Time is a great healer”.

You have to concentrate on your children, and yourself now.

Good luck- hugs from Europe.

Hugs

I am sorry but only for you.

I am looking forward to:
More stories about the little ones.
The anticipation of a new lover’s arrival the most amazing feeling, we will get to read it again!!

It hurts so much. But there has to be the first one - the rebound person. And the rebound is usually because too much is shared and said with each. It is all so inevitable. It always happens, it has to happen. But because they are the first of so many things we always remember.

Hi AAG, so sorry to hear this!

I’m completely with Katy, we are all complex and difficult, you don’t get to be the only one :) With the practical complexities you two were facing I think you did well to last as long as you did.

Look after yourself honey!

Perhaps the following may help. I recently wrote this about my loss and it only seems fitting to share it at this moment.
“As time passes, I lay in amazement as to how people affect our lives. I have always believed that we are mere masses of spiritual plasma that have been given the opportunity to become human for a very short period of time. In the large scope of things even a hundred years is but a grain of sand in the vast ocean we call the universe. What are the chances that the grain of sand next to you will remain within reach for your lifetime?
Is that what happens? Are we shifted by waves and wind so that we lay next to another grain of sand?
In my life so far there have been a few grains of sand, some jagged, some smooth, then there was the last grain that seemed to fit so perfectly. There were times when a small wave would roll in but somehow we stayed within reach, never loosing sight of one another.
Last week a wave took that grain of sand that had been by my side, I couldn’t hold on, it was too powerful no matter what I tried. My heart weeps for this grain of sand.
The memories linger as a reminder of how precious time really is. Time is such a gift that we can not ever replace, yet is is given to us daily for free.
Will there ever be another grain of sand that will lay by my side? I suppose it’s possible, it is a large ocean and constant waves roll those grains of sand over and over.
If the waves are gentle, perhaps I will be lucky enough to see and hear that little grain of sand that fit so well by my side.”

I’m so sorry to hear that you split up. No doubt it was for a myriad of reasons, as these things usually are. It hurts now, and probably will for some time. But perhaps he came into your life just when you needed him, and maybe someone else will at some other point. Rejoice in the goodtimes. They’ll happen again, when you’re ready for them…………

That sucks. He could have been a bit more diplomatic than to tell you that he hadn’t loved you for some time, yet continued stringing you along (or allowing you to prolong it because he felt guilty).

That’s pretty cold, imho, but there’s no easy way to rip off a band-aid. :(

Don’t beat yourself up for being blind to it: Great sex with someone you care about can blind anyone to the reality of a situation. I know I’ve certainly been there myself.

Oh honey. I’m sorry. Blah, blah, blah, time and all that crap.

((AAG))

Sometimes men say things thinking that it will make it easier for us to walk away. “I don’t love you” seems to me like one of those things. Because who wouldn’t walk away then? (Men really don’t know us at all…)

i’m you in a lot of ways, i’ve lost more friends because they came to me and opened their souls and then wished they could take it back. since they couldn’t they did the next best thing which was to disappear from my life and pretend i never existed…

i choose to believe that they got what they needed and that i am better for having known them… but it’s still hard…

*hugs*
g’luck

Aw, I’m sorry darlin’. Ending things always sucks.

And as someone who’s also been told ‘I haven’t loved you for a while’, I know how much that can hurt, if its true or not.

Just sorry to hear that it’s over. You would not be human if you did not feel hurt and bereft.

From your descriptions it has been a passionate and liberating affair and helped to lay the ghosts of your relationship with the ex.

Can I say that as a man, had I experienced the same level of sexual passion, excitement and fulfillment he must have got from you and you got from him, I would probably have felt that only a long term commitment could enable the relationship to continue, and if I didn’t really want that, I would have ended it too even though by then I might have been in love with you.
Sometimes having reached a peak, one starts to think there’s only one way to go from here and that is down and that can be a long a painful path.

All in all it is for the best. You went from being married to someone who is incapable of being selfless enough to love to loving someone who is incapable of loving because he’s married. (Correct me if I’m wrong.) It seems you have a taste for unavailable men be it emotionally or literally.

I think if you dig deep you’ll realize you knew this had to happen sometime. Either that or you’d have broken open someone’s home. And you should know how badly that hurts.

Besides, he’s cheating on his wife. If it’s that serious, he needs to belly up to the bar and cut her loose. Don’t mourn losing him because you never truly had him.

Of course I’m sad for you that you’ve lost a lover but I’m mainly sad that you’ve lost a confidante who helped you through the bad times. I hope you find another, even if it’s not another lover!

Big hugs!

I am “a Matthew”

Slighly different in that I never professed love and in fact stated the exact opposite BUT thats not/never enough.

I am unavailable but made myself available…I was only interested in sharing sexual based pleasure but there is always more.

I believe the person I have “accidently” hurt (I think I always knew she would fall) was in a situtation must less vulnerable/difficult then I am imagining you were in but really what is the difference? Only to a spectator I think, to the participant its always as difficult and painful.

I guess a seduction is just that. It is sometimes just about sex and sometimes not and the verbal statements made before or during do not necessarily weaken the actual impact. An impact that has no physics and cannot be measured in advance.

I feel for you because you are hurting. I feel for him because he does not recognize what he is, and has been, doing. I feel for the person that I am hurting. I on the other hand have shown such immaturity that the only positive I can see is that I have recognized my current failing and will not make it again.

This is not about me (though it would be hard to tell that from all the above) Its just that I hope “the Matthew” should be taught to understand that actions have consequences. Also, I wanted to say to you that love is a good thing even when it turns out its not.

Thanks, Jack.

Love most certainly is a good thing, even when it seems like it’s not.

:)

My thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s difficult I am sure. Part of me can relate very well to wanting not to hold back the other person.

[prepares himself for hate mail]

Now bear in mind that I’m a man and this is just a story that happened in a galaxy far, far away

With a partner, but meet a girl for no-strings sex (she’s got kids, but great, she’s also got a husband - won’t want anything else). Great. It’s good being me.

Sneak out, take time, have long, steamy kinky sessions, generally have a ball, (my mates would be so green if they knew - or perhaps they do?) Tell her your partner doesn’t mind/doesn’t understand you/we have an open relationship (strike out whichever doesn’t apply)

Tell her you love her (that’s what all women want to hear, husband or not, no-strings or not. Keeps ‘em coming back to the bed, keeps ‘em on the hook)

Listen to woes about the husband (try not to watch sports over the shoulder, offer support, actually pay attention to the words, wipe away the tears (most don’t and it’s a small price to pay to keep Percy happily dipping in the silky pool and no real effort as she goes home somewhere else)

Uh-oh - the husband has moved out. (Now single mother and kids, had support in the past, mutual professions of love - this could get tricky - time to start with the cold water)

Start seeming distant, less willing to discuss “issues”, start acting distracted, stifled and a maybe even a little trapped (exit strategy phase one now in effect - time to find another MILF for when this is done)

Time to start finding a reason to shut this down (getting a little too tear-y and clingy, besides, there’s a nice little brunette I’ve had the eye on……)

Try to make a move to go to phase two and finish this, but she looks to devatated and this could get too emotional (better get back into bed until she gets used to the idea that this really is that)

Want to make sure this really ends now , so say don’t love her any more (better make really sure) and haven’t for some time now (that’ll do the trick)

And on with my wonderful life. You have lovely brown hair. Married? yes, but doesn’t she mind/doesn’t understand me/we have an open relationship

(Rinse and repeat)

No matter the reason, it still sucks and it’s gonna hurt until it doesn’t any more. I’m glad he was there when you needed him (for a while), at some point you’ll remember him fondly with only the tiniest twinge of pain, and someday, someone else will help fill the void. Until then..((hugs)).

Hi AAG.

I have been reading for awhile and never posted…it wasn’t until now that I felt I had something to say.

I wish you all the best and hope the hurting ends as quickly as possible for you. I have read all your previous posts and even though I am seeing only a small part of you through this blog, I feel as though that small part is an open, honest, generous and loving person, who whether she is ready or not, deserves someone who can love you for every part of you.

Good Luck.

I am sorry, AAG. Finding someone like Matthew was the balm that helped you to heal from stb-ex. But it would be sadder if you never had this affair.

I know that I “see” Matthew through your lens, but I will say this anyway: I don’t think he stopped loving you, but that he tried to talk himself into not loving you. Why? For complex reasons, not the least of which is that yours was a very difficult arrangement, even if his wife assented. I worked with a man who had numerous affairs which his wife tolerated, but she did not tolerate them well. And since the man had resolved not to leave his wife, he found it easier to leave his lover and find a new one. Repeatedly.

Know that I wish you the very best.

Kochanie

Very sorry. I wish I had something profound to say but that is all I have. So very sorry.

I wrote once before about how I was in similar situation with a really hot lover who was married, (as am I, but with a consenting hubby, long story).
I now realize the biggest difference is that you two were open and fearless enough to actually admit to being in love, and to enjoy that, which puts any relationship on another level, physical or not. My guy is adamant about -not- being in love, no matter how well we get along and how hot the sex. I’ve always felt something was missing, and I think even though you two broke up, you were lucky to do the Shakespeare thing, love and lost, rather than not at all.
Small comfort, but still…

Oh AAG, honey, I am so sorry to hear this and know that you are having to go through it. It hurts and it sucks and it shouldn’t have to be this way, and my enornmous empathy and hugs for you…..

This is why I pretty much gave up on the whole poly/li9festyle thing like 20 years ago, you end up being tissue paper wiping up someone else’s splooge.

Hang in there babe, and find a man that only wants you. He does exist, out there somewhere.

And JUST when he finally got a name! Dammit anyway.
Hugs

*Hugs* - I think it’s all been said otherwise.

Was he ever more than just a fuck buddy? Maybe I misunderstood what I read but it didnt seem so from the posts. If what you want is a relationship based on more than just sex, you have to go looking for that. Has it occured to you that dating casually, may have a negative impact on the emotional development and the future of your children?

Uh… bob… she didn’t bring him around the kids. She never mentioned doing that. She met him around..

plus, the specifics of their relationship is none of your damn business. She just experienced a break up and your going to be a dick?
Nice Job.

Anyway AAG, Warm regards.

AAG, when I was having a hard time with my girlfriend, one of the posts that you wrote meant a lot to me - Last Call (http://aagblog.com/2007/08/03/last-call/), back in early August. Maybe it’s worth re-reading what you wrote then?

Do take care. S x

AAG,
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Trite, but still true. One learns from each encounter we have with other beings. Hopefully, this will put you more in the “cat bird seat” the next time. I wish you well and the best lover who will stick with you.
Pete

Im still not believing a word of this ruse. Oh what a tangled web we weave. I do believe that you are a talented writer of fiction and I applaud you for that.

Hey, babygirl, I’m sorry to hear it. Seems to be going around lately.

As to whether he still loves you or not, doesn’t make you naive to think he does. But as I’m sure you know, the point is not so much IF he does, but that he’s currently at a place where, either way, he’s going to SAY to you he doesn’t. And that sounds like a place you’re not really comfortable with sitting.

Thanks Lance! You have read the below, haven’t you?

:)

http://aagblog.com/2006/08/02/what-is-truth/

You’re a class act kid.

It may be over but at least it you had it. Some people will never get that same chance.

(((hugs)))

I had not read that aag. Now I know. Thanks.

I frequently want to hug you because I just really enjoy your writing, but…damn. I think *I* need a hug after this. :-)

And you’re a smart woman to take the time to process before opening yourself up to the wonder that is the comments section.

Well done, all the way around, dear.

Bent a little maybe, bruised surely, but definitely not broken.

Sorry for the pain, but find a warm place in your heart for the love you shared. Visit it when you are so moved.

oh hell just hang in there honey. You’ll still think of him in 3, 5, 10, 20 and 30 years out. I do. But then, I am crazy. In the meantime, come to chicago!

I’m sorry to hear that one exciting adventure is over. From the tone of some of your entries, I think there might have been a tiny part of you that wanted it to keep going for much much longer. It’s too bad that you couldn’t have had Matthew’s comfort until you were ready to let him go, but I know you’ll take the lessons he taught you and grow even stronger and happier. And…should you need some chocolate, shoot me an email, it’s on the house.

First - I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

Second - I’m so confused (not by your posts, but by the comments). I thought that the lover was a man who was married, but meeting/dating/fucking others with wife’s consent. Didn’t you mention that she was nice to you when you called? I’ve dated married men, I never called, not even the cell phone unless I had specific permission.

I’m just confused about the comments about how he wasn’t going to leave his wife, this was casual, blah blah blah…

I made a foray into a polyamorous lifestyle (although I’m not partnered, so maybe I was just being a slut?) and found that for me, sex and emotion are wrapped very tight. My jealousy is hard to control and I tend to get very childish over the fact that I’m not the primary relationship and I want to play by my rules, not the rules that have been established. Plus, I fall in love. And that, for my partners, has not ever been the point.

I hope that you find what you want/who you need - whether that’s someone to play with at orgies and hotels or whether it’s someone just for you.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear about the breakup. I’m sure you have lots of warm, wet, wonderful memories to take with you, and I hope you find someone with whom to make more wonderful memories in the future.

Having gone through my own painful breakup this past summer, I can imagine the pain you are feeling right now.

There is no cure, except….
Time.
Taking care of yourself.
The hope that someone else will come into your live.

There is plenty of risk, yet we all take the leap into the pool of love.
Hang in there. Big Hugs!

I think we all love your blog so much in part because of the juicy sex scenes and mostly because we see ourselves in the snapshots of your life that you so kindly share. I hope that when you choose to have other friends they will be more honest about what they want from you, with you, and without you.

All I can say in comfort is that it must be better to have someone tell you that they don’t love you and not believe them than to have someone tell you they love you and NOT believe them.

It will get easier, really. So I’m told, anyway.

I’ve played with polyamorous too and so your blog has been extremely interesting reading for me lately. I’m sad that you are hurting and would like to offer hugs.

*hugs*

At the same time, I’m sad for myself too… no more sexy Matthew stories!!! Does this mean I have to go out and get a sex life of my own now?

*cries*

I’m so sorry to hear this. Best of luck, I know you’ll be fine. I’ve really enjoyed your blog. You are a great writer.

Wow, I’m sorry. That sucks.

In reading your last few posts regarding the guy, it’s pretty clear that it would be over soon, and why.

You were falling in love with him. And looking at him not just as a fuck-buddy and casual friend, but as a partner/lover/soulmate. You were asking him to fulfill a lot of needs, and it was pretty clear from reading your earlier posts that this is a responsibility he didn’t sign up for at first. He just kind of slipped into it.. most likely because he had fallen in love with you too.

I’m very conscious of being on borrowed time whenever someone steps into a situation expecting something, and then it becomes much more. I’ve experienced this with friendships, relationships, bands, businesses, jobs, etc. In fact I just experienced this with a band I’m in. Sometimes things ratchet back down to where they were, but most often they just fall apart completely.

I think I know why, at least in my own personal experience. Should I say this? Fuck, I guess I have to. Because escalating the level of relationship, whether it’s done intentionally or not, is a boundary violation. It tends to erode trust.