It had to happen sooner or later. All things considered, it was for the best that it took place when it did, which was at night, long after the children had gone to sleep.
There was a blow up, because with him there frequently is a blow up. There rarely can be a discussion of anything without a blow up.
In the past, I’d warned him that if he could not be civil and respectful in this house, I would ask him to leave. Those warnings had come after our disagreements, when he’d settled down from whatever fit had sent him spinning out of control.
After his fits, he tends to be very apologetic. He promises that he’ll “try harder” to keep a civil tongue next time. He vows that he’ll never again give me reason even to consider asking him to leave the house when he’s in charge of the children.
And yet that night when I confronted him about a bit of snark he’d leveled at me in front of the children (when I was officially off duty and just passing through on my way from one errand to the next), he could not stay civil.
When I confronted him he raised his voice. He used profanity. He mocked and taunted while I was speaking in the same way that saucy children do.
I warned him at least twice that I expected him to be polite and respectful in his interactions with me. He continued to be neither polite nor respectful.
And so I told him to leave. He questioned my ability to “make” him leave. I pointed out the cell phone in my hand, and promised that I would call for assistance in getting him to leave.
He left, flinging behind him various comments about my parenting ability, priorities and et cetera. But before he left, I asked for and received back the keys to the house, which I’d allowed him to keep as long as he was being reasonable and respectful when here.
It was very very ugly, as I’m sure you can imagine.
As I expected, he called to apologize the next morning. Well, he sort of apologized. He apologized and then pointed out how I’d provoked him into exploding. It’s always my fault that he gets angry, you see. This is a part of the pattern too.
Then, as per the usual, he accused me of never wanting to take any blame for how things went wrong. He ended the performance with his standard finale, a hearty rendition of “You Always Overreact!”
He is nothing if not predictable. Not that the predictability factor makes it any less painful or difficult or stressful.
It’s horribly painful and difficult and stressful…but at least I have my key back. I suppose that’s something.
I’m sorry.
Glad you have your key back, AAG.
You deserve better.
Its the next, inevitable step. Had to get here sooner or later. Too bad it was on the heels of a fight.
Every step you take in this direction will become easier and less draining. You’ll be skipping along before you know it. Stay strong aag.
Sucks that you have so many in-your-face reminders of why it is over… but it won’t be over while he’s still in your life in that way… getting the key back is one step…
I still think you should change the locks. It is a symbolic, if not also practical, move. He is not especially stable; i would want to ensure he does not have access to your house. YOUR house.
I’m so proud of you for how you handled both the situation and yourself. Kudos to you, and a big wet sloppy kiss-n-hug from me.
(Because, y’know, i can.)
Kisses….
I’m so glad, you need to keep taking those steps; good for you, although it’s hard, it’s obvious that you need to continue being a grown-up, as he’s not going to mature even now.
Hugs
It’s these kinda things that just reinforce why we’re leaving them in the first place, aag. Congratulations on standing your ground on this one!
Sending you hugs, sweetheart
It’s more than just ’something’. It’s a significant click of the ratchet. Step by step you’re getting there :o)
As others have said, well done for standing firm.
I had to do the same thing with my ex. He figured he could come into my new home and be a jackass. I actually called the police and had to get a 3 month restraining order. It sucked but was worth it.
I’m sorry. I wish I had more to offer than that, but on that front, I’m gladly naive. I am very sorry though. Good on you that you stood firm, like others said.
I have to go with Serenity on this one. Change the locks, even if it means another blowup. This dude’s losing it.
It’s a distinct pattern of abuse. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself.
yeah i have to third the lock change suggestion
also get a someone security minded to check your windows and doors…
congrats on slowly cutting this cancerous man out of your life. i would also suggest changing the locks but would advise you that if the divorce is still pending, he can change them right back. until that final judgment is signed the house is technically a joint asset. i’m sure you’ve already been told but i will reinforce, document document document. keep a calendar of these outbursts, communicate only via email so there is written proof of his abusiveness (and watch your own Ps and Qs while communicating in writing), try to limit your contact as much as possible by having a third party at pick up and drop off of the babies or do it in a neutral location (it sounds like visitations are happening in your house so i would strongly suggest the third party avenue). any other questions, just call me “family law paralegal at your service” ;-)
after that I would throw all his shit out on the curb and let the beggers get it or the garbage man.
he doesn’t have another spare laying around, does he?
maybe time to change the locks? (as previously suggested)
Out of curiosity–
Why are you confronting him? What did you hope to accomplish? Has confronting him ever given you a satisfactory result?
I’m one to talk, I know. I’m in much the same position. I’ve done my share of confronting. I’ll do it again, too.
But I’m starting to become aware that I’m asking EW for something that she’s incapable of providing.
So I’m learning not to confront. I set boundaries. I tell her what they are, and I tell her when she’s crossed them, but I don’t go seeking confrontation. It just makes me crazy. And I don’t want to be crazy any more.
Do you?
yeharr
Oh friend. I am sorry you have to deal with this person. I really am. I wish I could do more than just send you my written support.
It’s horribly painful and difficult and stressful…
And it could have been much worse, aag. Give yourself credit for not letting it escalate.
I wish you the very best.
Kochanie
AAG … I honestly don’t know if you are talking about the STB ex or the boyfriend but it doesn’t matter who it is because he has absolutely no respect for you or your children. Make him be gone
Good Lord the lover would never treat me this way.
:)
AAG,
painful indeed, no matter how predicatble.
Getting the key back is a good thing. Eventually, step by step, the distance becomes greater between you two as he no longer lives there/has the time and exposure to you because you won’t tolerate it, and you have somoene who is nice to you to compare it to, and the ex’es nastiness will lose power…
Loving Annie
predictable
What a bad time for a friend to send an emotional email.
Fuck
Sorry babe
My bad
Well done, AAG. For what it’s worth, taking your key back from the STB-ex was a strong thing for you to do (and the right thing!).
xx Dee
Classic abuse.
Saying your sorry doesn’t mean anything if you keep doing it.
It’s like the story of the boy who said mean things. The boy said mean things to lots of people. One day, as punishment, his father told him to go out to the yard and bang on the picket fence with a hammer. The boy didn’t really understand why, but he did so anyway – happy to get off easy. Over the next few weeks, the boy continued to say mean things to people, and his father continued with the strange punishment. Over time, the fence became pocked with marks from the hammer.
The father finally said to the son, “Boy, all your banging on the fence has left it damaged. Go out there and paint it.” The boy grudgingly gathered the paint supplies and began to paint. A few hours later, the boy finished, and the father inspected his work. “Son, I can still see the marks. Give it another coat.” The boy grumbled under his breath. He shot his father a nasty look, but he started to paint again anyway. Once he finished, the father inspected the work a second time. “I can still see the marks, Son. Give it another coat.” A third coat? Wasn’t he the one who said to bang on the fence in the fist place? The boy was getting angry. Why doesn’t HE paint it? But the boy picked up the brush and began to paint again anyway. By this time he finished, it was getting late. The boy was tired and he sat down hard. Once again, the father inspected the work. “No Son, I can still see the marks.” The son looked up at his father wearily. “You see, people are a lot like this fence. When you say something mean, you hurt them, and it leaves a mark. Over time, those marks collect, and no matter how much you apologize, they never really go away.” The son bowed his head in exhaustion. The father patted him encouragingly on the back. “It’s okay… Now give the fence another coat of paint.”
omg he actually said “you can’t make me”??? he’s not a man, he’s an adolescent. you’re well shot of him. (not that we didn’t already know that.) and blaming you for his outbursts is indeed classic abusive behavior. it’s right up there with “i wish you make me hit you like that, darlin.” ugh. i’m so glad you’ve found someone genuinely caring and strong and compassionate to help you through all this.
I have to say that I have read every item in the “uncoupling” folder and I have to say, GOOD FOR YOU!!
Good for you getting rid of this abusive psychopath out of your life, and out of your home!
What a load of Bollox!