Other women seem to have the seduction thing down. I don’t.
I seduce like six-month old puppy. I’m all…bouncy and stuff. My irrational exuberance has bothered, confused and/or terrified more lovers than I care to remember, not to mention one enormously phlegmatic stb-ex.
And now once again it’s gotten me into trouble.
See, I erroneously deduced long ago that the lover liked a certain sexual activity just as much if not more than I do. So I kept pushing it, suggesting it, talking about it, fantasizing about it, doing it. And then writing about it.
I pushed it hard enough that my friend erroneously deduced that the activity in question was intrinsic for my enjoyment. With that thought in mind, he bore my puppy-like and amateur ministrations past the point of any pleasure on his part.
In fact, he hated what I was doing to him. He tried to like it but it just never took.
The truth of the matter finally came out in a rush as (once again) I brought the subject up with overabundant glee, and he could no longer hold back his frustration with the act—and with me.
I wish he’d told me sooner that he was struggling, but my unpolished intensity lead him to believe that I’d be sorely disappointed if we took that act out of our repertoire.
I wouldn’t have been disappointed in that. I’m not disappointed in that. Instead, the thing that crushes my fragile little ego is that for four months now, I’ve been doing this thing that he’s not been 100% in love with.
This pushes all the wrong buttons for me. I spent way too many years running the stb-ex through my lame seduction routine, and he (I sincerely believe) hated every minute of it. He hated both the content and the style—but sometimes, he played along to placate me.
I hate placation. I hate to be humored. I hate to be tolerated.
I know that my friend’s motives were quite different. He wanted to learn to love the act in question as much as I do, while the stb-ex only wanted to get me off his back. These things are not the same.
But they are close enough. A breeze strong enough to ring the bell of “trying to learn to enjoy it” also jangles the bell of “oh-all-right-just-get-it-over-with.” That doesn’t make it right, but that’s just the way it is.
I accept the fact that the past never goes away. I just wish to God that it would skulk over into the corner and shut the fuck up for a while.
As I was walking up the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today.
I wish, I wish he’d stay away.
Hughes Mearns
So what was this thing that you did that he didn’t like? And how come he didn’t know to speak up sooner…
I do know one thing.. even with those we love the most, it can still be very hard to know when to say we didn’t like that thing “the best ever”, or “I really didn’t like that at all!” When IS the best time to give negative feedback to our significant other??
Oh I’m sorry. That makes my heart hurt for you.
I hate when I think something is behind me and then… UGH!
I understand. I spent the better part of my life feeling like I should apologize for my libido. Well, no more. But it took me a long time to get there even after getting divorced and having positive reinforcement, but every time a man, past, present or otherwise says, even in joking, that he bit off more than he could chew when he thought he could keep up with me or makes a joke about slowing me down, I wince. It isn’t supposed to hurt but it does.
But then, I agree with Sensitive Man, it’s hard to tell people you don’t like something as much as the other person does, and you and I, we PUSH. We do, because we love something, or we’re starved for it at one point (like when I first got divorced).
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’ll be ok, but I’m with you on this, I HATE being placated.
Kisses
i had the opposite thing, a libido that was out to lunch and partners that didn’t know what to do with me… and well hrm, people assume that i have an easy time getting guys because i’m pretty attractive but the truth is that i really don’t.
they make me nervous and i take them too seriously but i’m also an incredibly confident person so it’s kind of a mess.
but i’m so tired of being told what i ‘want to hear’
dear god just tell me the truth! be nice about it but please tell me the truth!
He should have told you sooner. Come now, your both adults.
Perspective! That’s what you need. This has happened to everyone, including me. We all pick up tricks from our exes or read about stuff that we think would be amazing for our partner, and if our partners care about us they give it a chance for a while before they break it to us that they don’t like it very much. You aren’t a mind reader, are you? However much you care about someone, you can only go on what they say and how they behave. You love him enough to try to please him and he loves you enough to try to like it for a while before he admits that actually it’s not doing much for him. This is normal. Normal!
Thanks for taking the time to write down your feelings and experiences. I love and look forward to reading your blog. I am not a writer – and cannot put my experiences into words that people look forward to reading. But it does not mean that I cannot truly enjoy and appreciate your literary skills.
You are funny, sexy, and sound real. Some of your writing makes me sad, others happy, and still other times confused.
Keep writing and I will keep reading …
Aag, I’m so with Katy on this one.
Unfortunately, you’ll have to let go of the legacy of your past relationship and trust that your lover loves you enough to have a go at something that wouldn’t normally be in his repertoire precisely because of how he feels about you!
I hope you can work through this, darling.
xox
yeah Katy really hit the nail on the head. Amazing that you would write about this, wife and i just got “into it” last night due to this. I couldnt find the word to describe how I feel so it became all about me not caring enough to talk about my feelings and such. Ahh well now I know.
I too, find myself screaming at the past to shut the fuck up and go away only to have it, and its nasty habits come back to nip me in the heels. I understand, and appreciate your post.
I would like to say the only way to shut this monster (the past) up is to face it, understand it, and work right through its nasty ass, which you are doing wonderfully here.
Bouncy seduction? That is a hoot!
now, i am wondering what the specifics of this are? lol. xoxo
Well I think I can relate to this…
“Assuming” is a bitch that’ll come back and bite you hard… all the way around. LOL
Assuming a person doesn’t like something, or isn’t interested doesn’t make it so… they might simply not have brought up the subject.
Communication is the key here though I am far from an expert. The longer some error goes unchecked the harder it is to undue.
Not knowing the specifics I can’t comment much further, though I will say that for me there’s a continuum from “really_gotta_have_it” to “not_in_a_million_years”.
If the act is something I could take or leave, I will do my best to find something about it I enjoy even if that part is only sharing time, skin and energy with my partner.
Having done without that intimacy, the value of it is immersurable.
As one acquaintance of mine says, “Name it, claim it and get over it.” It’s amazing what happens when you do just that.
I too wish the past would just shut the fuck up once in a while. I always think that because I “know” that something is in the past, that I can leave it there, but it’s amazing how trained your reactions can be… how something someone says can pull a string tied to something similar in the past that then drops a ball and rolls you into a series of reactions based on that past event— like a goofy game of emotional Mouse Trap.
Luckily, you are smart enough to recognize it when it happens, if not able to stop it from happening– which I think is sometimes the best we can do.
I understand the reasons for not speaking up. In this case you sounded/acted like is was something really special to you … he tries to like it but can’t and neither can he bear the possibility of disappointing you. It’s very understandable. I have known women who offer blowjobs because the guy loves them even though the woman doesn’t.
I think it is a reality of any relationship. The really good ones are filled with discussion, not waiting until you can no longer bear it
I feel your pain. I was shut down last night after months of flirting.
erroneous deduction? naw! sounds to me like you were just enjoying something your lover might not have be that into. that’s allowed, you know. being totally selfish is okay. part of “seduction” is seducing your-own-damn-self. so what if he kept going without being totally thrilled. that’s what it’s all about, right? compromising here, getting more than you deserve there. if now it’s out in the open and before you were only “enjoying something” because you thought he was really into it, then stop it or modify it or use it as a chance to ask “well what would you like to do instead” and get all six month old puppy over that! yeaaa! new trix!
I find “bouncy” and enthusiastically smiley-flirty to be DAMN sexy. I love it. I go for it every time. The Cheerleader Factor– gotta admit I dig it.
Conversely, I find “sultry and sophisticated” to be an utterly snobbish boner-killer. There ain’t nothing sexy about being snooty. “Hard-to-get” means “hard for someone else to get”, because I’m not chasing anyone that stuck up.
As for your sexual communication, well no two lovers aren’t 100% compatible, period. Just doesn’t happen. Still, I can understand why you’d be hurt though. My entire marriage has consisted of us “enduring” what the other one wants, with only the kind of vicarious secondary enjoyment of watching the other person get into it. For nearly a decade we’ve had zero sexual chemistry (and, for the last year, no sex at all).
Hopefully you have enough overlap in your sexual tastes, kinks, and interests, to enjoy being together, sincerely.
There is one more word here that probably should be brought up….responsibility….as in it was, indeed, HIS RESPONSIBILITY to share with you what he liked and didn’t like. Honey, we all operate from experience on one’s reaction to something we give them. If he was learning something new, fine…there’s no harm at all in saying that. Since he didn’t, the inevitable ending comes. Please…please don’t feel badly because he didn’t fess up…we do what we can to please those in our lives.
When I was counseling couples I used to use the French/Mexican restaurant example. Say “A” likes French food but “B” does not care for French but very much likes Mexican. When “B” treats “A” to a French meal “B” is giving a gift. Lovers need to give each other these kinds of gifts. But to do so requires honest and open communication. It only becomes a gift when one knows the other is making an effort. Dr. Scott Peck defines love as the ability to stretch oneself to do things the other will enjoy.
I dunno, kind of sounds like you’re translating like his reluctance to speak up as saying something about *you* and how you are (Stuff like you’re
“too over-eager,” “not sensitive enough to your lover’s needs,” or possibly “not worth enough to be honest to.”
I’d more say his choice not to say something until now says something about him and who HE is. (That’s not to say who he is is bad, just that his actions have less to do with you than with him.)
It was nice to leave out what the “thing” was so people can guess or imagine. Seems by the respose that some have already figured it out but no one knows for sure. It could be something as silly as licking the ear lobes for all we know.
In any case, just wanted to say nice blog.
I’ve been lurking for a minute here. Thought it was time to comment. :)
I have never been able to maintain a sexual relationship that wasn’t open, where we weren’t both getting what we wanted. I have to be able to talk about it openly. I need to know exactly what they want and them to know exactly what I want. It robs some of the eroticism, and some men don’t like the talks. But I have to have them. Like you, my past won’t shut the fuck up. As of now, I have only been able to maintain one sexual relationship on these terms.
Good luck!!
I agree with Miss Syl – don’t beat yourself up because he wouldn’t speak up and tell you that he didn’t like what you were doing.
It’s his responsibility to make sure he enjoys it, just as it’s your responsibility to tell him what you like or hate.
Jane and I communicate a lot (maybe too much) in bed. In my case, she has never hesitated to tell me if she didn’t like what I was doing.
It’s really no secret if I’m doing something she enjoys, though. :)
The way you process information, your insights and observations, your prose (<– I looked up the definition and yes I do believe that IS the word I was looking for), your openness, your willing share, and your journey all make me want to know you better…
Your “bouncy” and enthusiastic exuberance make me want to know you biblically. (<— no one says that anymore, I like the term… It somehow sounds more… “naughty”)