Things that bother you never bother me
I’m as happy as pie
Livin’ in the sunlight, lovin’ in the moonlight
Havin’ a wonderful time.
~~Tiny Tim
This is such a lie.
I put those lyrics up as a tag-line not long ago so as to keep myself going during a difficult couple of days with the stb ex-husband.
Eh, they are all difficult days. There are no easy days with him.
As much as I try to keep his ridiculous vituperation from sticking to my skin, sometimes it gets the best of me. Such was the scene several days ago.
Here is the condensed version: I’d made plans weeks in advance, but at the last moment he remembered that he had made overlapping plans. Of course my plans became secondary. I scrambled to provide coverage with babysitters, and I gave up some of my plans so that everything would work.
But it wasn’t enough. He was unhappy with how I’d set up the schedule, and he told me so. Loudly. It was a stinging diatribe that called into question my morals and the care I provide for our children.
I told him that if he had real concerns for how I took care of the kids, he should feel free to avail himself to the services of a lawyer and make the case that I’m an unfit mother. That took the starch out of him.
He doesn’t actually believe that I’m an unfit mother. It just amuses him to try to get my goat.
I left the house to meet my friend, determined not to let the stb-ex ruin the evening. My friend was not there when I arrived, so I stepped into the shower to wash off the horrible day.
By the time I’d curled naked and still damp in his bed, my friend had arrived. He knew I was upset because we’d talked earlier on the phone, but I’d refused to tell him exactly why. I didn’t want to cry then.
He pressed me for details as he sat in a chair next to the bed. I wouldn’t talk about it until he agreed to undress and get into bed with me. He thought I was trying use sex in an effort to avoid telling him.
I wasn’t. I just didn’t want to get snot on his clothes.
As soon as he was in bed, the tears started. While this almost eight-month-long separation process has involved far less angst than I ever could have imagined back in the darkest days of last year, it has not been easy. It’s been brutal.
The stb-ex struggles mightily to shift blame for the end of the marriage. He says horrible things when he’s angry. He’s often angry. Usually his words and actions slide off me like oil from a hot Teflon pan, but sometimes… sometimes it’s too much.
In bed with my friend, I tried to keep the tears to the polite variety. The kind that well up and look sweet running down the cheeks. But I couldn’t keep them in check; soon the deep, ugly, gut-wrenching sobs came out. Snot ran down my face. My eyes swelled up. I lost control of the usual even tone of my voice. I buried my head in the pillow. My hair dried funny.
And I couldn’t stick to the indignities of that particular day. I found myself relating old tales of woe to my friend, tales from years or even a decade ago, things that were never resolved, never apologized for, never fixed.
It was all very unfair to him. We were supposed to be doing naughty things to each other’s sensitive parts. Instead, I ended up soaking his chest with tears while surreptitiously (maybe surreptitiously?) wiping snot on his pillowcase.
He listened. He held me, and brought me Kleenexes, and told me to let it all out. He assured me that all this ugliness would pass, and that he’d be there no matter what. He did exactly what I needed him to do.
Every time I’ve cried on his shoulder about some painful aspect of the uncoupling process, he’s been an incredible friend. I appreciate it so much. I think many men would quickly tire of hearing me whine; no number of passionate ass fuckings or hair-pulling blow jobs could counterbalance the amount of mental energy it’s taken to comfort me.
I wish I could give myself to him whole, with no baggage from a difficult and now broken marriage. I wish I could be at 100% of my powers, needing nothing from him but fun and pleasure and friendship.
I don’t know that anyone ever has their act together that well—at least not for long. Everyone’s got issues that they trot around with them from relationship to relationship, issues that they either try to fix or allow to fester.
I thought I was doing better than to need to wail on the shoulder of my friend. I guess I’m not.
But I’m working on it.
The greatest palatinate earl and the lowliest stipendiary serf share the same problem. You cannot hire a mentat or any other intellect to solve it for you. There’s no writ of inquest or calling of witnesses to provide answers. No servant – or disciple – can dress the wound. You dress it yourself or continue bleeding for all to see.
~~Frank Herbert
Can we have a party when the day finally comes when you dont have to deal with all the bullshit from that dipshit(the stb-ex of course, that other guy seems pretty cool)?
I mean like a naked party…with lots of buttsex and everything? Cause that would be swell.
You can’t be big and brave all the time, expecially with what you’re going through, so there’s bound to be tears every so often when it all gets just a bit TOO much. But…… outpourings of frustration, floods of tears and having a good long moan to a supportive friend are some of the ways of getting through it. That…… and letting the cat pee on your soon-to-be-ex-husbands best jeans just before he goes out for the night!
I don’t think that most people would cope as well as you have with your stb-ex’s madness. A decent person like you will almost inevitably find the tears flowing at times.
I’m impressed with your friend’s warmth, maturity and humanity. In some ways having someone wonderful like your friend to help you get past the unpleasantness of the stb-ex’s antics could even be a bit of a problem, since it makes it even clearer just what a dickhead your former partner has always been and still is.
What they said- you are handling it incredibly well, all of the crap he puts on you.
It’s great that your friend is there for you, for tears as well as ass-fuckery fun.
Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on.
(Hmm. Wasn’t that a lyric in a song? It really feels like it is.)
Anyway, women who quote Frank Herbert = teh hottness. You sure there isn’t a silent G in the middle of AAG? Always Aroused Geek Girl?
Of course I’m geeky. I think all of us girlie-bloggers are geeky.
:)
Dear AAG,
Your friend is a keeper!!.. But you already know that!
Of course, from what you’ve said, you can’t actually keep him.. other than as “a friend”… I hope you are able to keep him for a long long time!!
Sigh.
Can anyone ever truly “keep” anyone else?
Ever?
:D
The more I hear about your friend, the more I like him. He’s good people. And it seems to me he’s just what you need to help you get through this rough time.
Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on once in awhile. No matter how strong we are, the bad things can pile up and weigh you down. A burden shared is a burden halved. A true friend will take on that burden gladly.
And if that friend can give you many, many orgasms in a short period of time, all the better. ;)
As my grandmother always said, “The first hundred years are the hardest.” Hang in there.
I’m glad we all seem to approve of the friend.
‘Cause, you know, I’d just have to cut him loose if all y’all didn’t approve of him.
:)
Uncoupling can be so painful. I wish divorce were easier on the parties involved. There are those that complain that divorce takes too long and that “the system” should make the process of “getting married” take as long as divorce currently is so as to give people second thoughts before jumping in.
I’m all for that, but I think that they should make divorce as quick as marriage is now so that when we need to part and get away, it’s a clean, fast, process. Dragging out a divorce for 8 or more months hurts everyone involved.
I hope that your friend continues to be a good ear and shoulder (and lover) to you. He sounds wonderful in so many ways.
What was that saying from Girl Scouts?….oh yah, “A friend in need is a friend indeed”.
I’ve been told I am not a pretty crier either, and I hear ya on the bummer of crappy hair drying, so if you heard from your friend after this then sounds like you owe the man….and I know you are just the girl to repay him fabulously!
Hang in there. I PROMISE it gets better!
as echoed above,,Everyone needs a shoulder, sometimes….It is my Priviledge,,and Pleasure to be yours…
I hope I can be yours too from time to time.
Wonderful that you have someone to listen, to ease the ache of uncoupling. For even when you desperately want to be out of a marriage… it is still desperately brutal.
Many hugs for you.
Keep your chin up- shoulders back and head held high… you are stronger than anything the soon-to-be ex attempts to dump on you or put you through.
One day, you will think back to these times of aggravation.. and smile to yourself because you made it through and didn’t let him get the best of you-
The best kinds of friends are those that will listen to you cry– not try to fix your problems, but, just listen to you and watch the tears fall.
Bless you~
AAG,
You friend realizes that you need to have someone you can trust to pour out your feelings. That is great and touch is so important as well.
“Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby experiences it, all over, before he is born and long before he learns to use sight, hearing, or taste, and no human ever ceases to need it.”
Robert Heinlein as Lazarus Long
Pete
My Dear,
It’s OK to cry on a friend’s shoulder.
The bigger truth is, that if you were carefree and happy and absolutely single, you would have a different relationship with him. One that longed for children and marriage and all the things that give us the baggae that we all wear as well as we can.
mal
You indeed have found a very good friend.
On another subject. In the past you have done some reviews on sex toys. Wondered if you have any information on “Clit Punps” Mrs SW is interested and we are going to purchase one. If you or any of your readers can offer any advice please feel free. You can leave comments on our blog which tells how Mrs. SW got interested.
I have always believed that a friend doesn’t have the right to celebrate the good times if they cannot be there thru the bad ones. I try and treat my friends the same way. Hugs to you
“I wish I could give myself to him whole, with no baggage from a difficult and now broken marriage.”… sadly no one ever gets to go into subsequent relationships whole. I do believe in that “stronger at the broken parts” cliche though.
I went through such a similar separation situation, whereby the ex would not move out before the very last possible moment and it is the worst feeling, so dragging-down and you think it’s never going to end and you’ll never get your life back. But I’m here to tell you when he finally leaves and you are on your own you will feel SO good. So free, so strong, so capable. Gotta trust me on this one dear.
Hugs sent in any case.
i am sending huge hugs your way…i wish i could help. just know that we know you are strong and are here for ya when you need us. xoxo
There is no words I can use to express my deep sadness for your most horrible day and all the stuff that is carried around. It’s a great gift that you share – and by sharing, re-living, that episode. Peace. Namaste.
Woah, wait a second, hold on now…is THAT Guy THAT Guy?
Indeed, I am,,At Your Service….
So was I just slow, and the last guy around here to realize that?
Shhhhh. Let’s not make too big of a deal out of it, alrighty?
:)