Ten thousand years ago, I wrote obsessively in a paper journal. I wrote in it from back to front. Writing from back to front was pretty much the extent of my teenage rebellion.
In the front (the part of the journal that would have been filled with journaling last), I wrote things that I wanted to remember: song lyrics, scraps of conversations, random thoughts, lists, and even poetry.
Horrible poetry. In a moment of clarity, I ripped up every bit of it and fed it to the garbage disposal. Maybe someday I’ll do the digital version of that to this blog. Hm.
Eventually I started a list labeled “Authors I Want to Read.” Each “author” was noted by a first initial and last name. It was a short list, and as chance would have it, the last names included were all very common ones.
But they weren’t the last names of actual authors. They were the names of young men I’d slept with.
Before I was married, the list held three names. Much much later the list began growing once again, only this time the list existed in the digital world. I obsessively recorded the name of each man with whom I shared my body. The list became *ahem* a bit longer than three names.
But at some point I stopped adding to the list. I lost both the interest and the ability to record names accurately. I mean really, what counts as sex?
Should only penis-in-vagina sex count? Shouldn’t oral-genital contact also count? How about deep kissing and a hand job? What if my partner only fingers me? Should it count as sex if I fuck a woman with a toy and she gushes all over my hands? What if I’m “helping” another woman give a blow job but she’s cock-hogging to the point that I can barely get my tongue on his balls? Does that count? What about if I’m in a room with my partner and another couple having sex. Do the other people count as partners if I twiddle a few nipples and (let’s just say) bite his arm while my lover is fucking me?
It’s all so confusing.
And I guess at some point it doesn’t much matter any more, does it? I’ve had a goodly number of partners no matter how you count it. If someone tried to pin me down on a number, I’d be hard pressed to pull something accurate out of my hat. If someone insisted on getting a number out of me, I’d be more offended than anything else.
What do you think? What exactly counts as sex? Do you keep a list, even in your mind?
Would it be very hypocritical of me to ask how many are on YOUR list?
I have had somewhere around 600. Some where long term, some where an hour. Looking back everyone had an impact on my life and gave me something I needed. Hopefully, I gave them something they could keep too.
were not where don’t know what happened
43. i don’t remember all their names right off the top of my head, but given about 24 hours i could probably recall most of them. Until it hit 40, i kept a written down list, so i could have told you every one, but somewhere between 40 and 41, i decided it wasn’t important anymore to know the name of every guy i’d had sexual contact with. Some of them whose names are not on the tip of my tongue are among my fondest memories… Of course, the ones whose names i’ll never forget are the ones who violated me, leaving only unpleasant memories in their wake.
But yeah, 43.