The littlest ones are too small to understand much. I think.
The eldest child mostly understands that mommy and daddy will soon be living in different locations. We’ve explained that while we work pretty well together as parents (a happy fiction that will stand for now), we don’t work so well as married people. I think she understands that we will always be her parents, but the “married” part will be ending.
I think she understands the very basics of this. She’s unclear on what part of being married didn’t work for us, but that’s as it should be for now. I don’t know that there’s ever a time she’ll need to know more than the very basics.
This has been an extremely gradual process, and for all the bitching I’ve done here and to my friends (thank you friends), it’s been far smoother thus far than I ever could have imagined. I’m astounded that we’ve been able to live in the same house, share the same money and (mostly) stay away from painfully huge fights.
I cynically attribute our success to the theory that the stb-ex is neither particularly surprised nor upset about the path we’re taking. Regardless of what he’s said (and he has vehemently disagreed with me on this theory), I think he is relieved–nay, overjoyed–to have this marriage grind to an end.
His words may not say this, but his actions do. Actions always trump words.
Now that the moving out date has been set, I’ve attempted to explain more concretely to the eldest child what this will mean for her. We’ve discussed schedules. Meals. Sleeping arrangements.
She’s expressed particular concern about how we’ll handle birthday parties. I’ve assured her that we’ll make every effort to have her celebrations together. Of course her mind races to the facets of the separation that affect her on the most basic level. This is as it should be.
I’ve not heard her voice a concern about losing the love of either of us. Has it crossed her mind that this would be a possibility? Has it occurred to her, but she lacks the words (or the courage) to express this fear? I don’t know. My hope is that it’s never been a question, but that is probably wishful thinking on my part.
Repeatedly I’ve let her know that none of this is her fault. She seems surprised when I bring this up, and denies ever having entertained a thought that it might have been her fault. I hope she’s being honest.
I’ve told her that we’ll be watching our money more closely now. I pointed out that we’d still have plenty of money for the necessities, but not so much for extras.
I asked if she understood what I meant by “necessities.” She said, “We’ll have food? And a house? And the television?”
Close enough baby, I told her, close enough.
From the mouths of babies, right? After all, if you’ve made sure she *knows* you love her, what else could be important?
I love hearing about how you work with your wee ones, you are an awesome mom, even in difficult times- perhaps even especially then!
I don’t mean to be a creep, but approx. how old are they? My daughters are 11 and 16 and their mom and I are about to “uncouple”. (That’s the plan, anyway.) Yours sound much younger.
I’m willing to be the bad guy and admit I asked her to leave– it really shouldn’t be that much different than things are now– I’m just afraid they’re going to feel their mother has abandoned them. But she has definitely abandoned me, and I’d like to just fucking get it over with. Sorry, TMI.
Hugs?
Although my children are much older, keeping the kids out of the middle (when I want to scream about their lazy, mooching father) is the hardest thing. I think children know more than we give them credit. Hugs to you during that phase where we continue to parent together even through and beyond the uncoupling. And I’m glad your kids still have tv. (I do not have one right now. Can I come visit??)
Sometimes I think its easier on younger children.
Parents are more aware of the need to protect and explain things to them, and try to keep them out of the middle. Even when things are no longer civil between the grown ups, in my experience, they do their damnedest to keep the kids out of it. Growing up, none of my friends who’s parents split were dragged into it, thank god. Same for both my sisters’ friends. Nice, civil to the children’s divorces. No bad mouthing. No dragging to the middle. Explainations that both parents still love you and its not your fault.
Cheers to you for helping your kids through this so well! They’re really the most important people in this situation.
Around this time last year, my parents split up. My dad told me about it before he told my mom he was leaving, and it was the reason I moved out of the house myself. My mother and I have never gotten along. When he told her, she came up to my room, trying to turn me to her side. All of a sudden, after years of not fights, and what I’ve had to come to terms with as abuse, I was suposed to fall over crying and be her new friend?
She badmouthed my Daddy.
She told me “Dad’s leaving us. He doesn’t love us anymore.” (No honey, he loves ME he just doesn’t love YOU anymore. I was the reason he came back the first time he left, and Josie was the reason he came back THIS time.)
All I could think was “This is the woman who has never, since I became my own person, understood or accepted me, my life, the choices that I make. The woman who has always withheld comfort at times when I needed it. The woman who laughed when I first told her I was depressed and needed to go to therapy. Who is still resentful of my therapist, (who, incidently, was also my parents marriage therapist. She stopped going because she thought Debra hated her.)
Now I’m suposed to be her ally? Because I’m an adult now? Because she’s codependent and needs someone to latch onto and leach from now that dad’s gone?’
Why should it be any different when the kids are adults, or close to it, during a split? We were 22, 19, and 16. We didn’t want to be in the middle any more than if we were 11, 8 and 5.
Before they broke up, I would have to meet my own father on the sly in coffee shops the next town over, just so we could talk.
My family, including one of my sisters, would make me feel guilty for talking to my own father.
I almost wish they did this when I was 11. Maybe I wouldn’t have been in the middle.
*Whew* aparently, a year later, this still botheres me. Apologies for the TMI.
Wendy —
I think you’re right about it being easier on younger kids. I was maybe five years old when my parents divorced. My brothers were eight and ten. My brothers had a lot more trouble with it. For me, it didn’t really mean much more than “Oh. Daddy lives in a different house now. Next week I will go to live with daddy, and the week after that, I will come back and stay with mommy again.” For my brothers, and for my friends whose parents split up later on, it was really hard.
Granted, I spent most of my childhood off in my own little world. I was glad for the yelling to stop so I could hang out there in peace instead of getting distracted by it. And thankfully, since my parents were no longer together and miserable, I could grow up knowing them as separate, happy, pleasant people.
I smiled at the priority your eldest put on the television. I think that shows, as much as anything could, that she’s going to be fine about the divorce :o)
I hate to maybe bring up a sore spot, but the younger two aren’t your biological children are they? Are you worried at all that will affect stb ex’s commitment to them? My ex barely honors his commitment to our children and they ARE his biological kids; but he’s just a jerk :)
I think how the kids handle the divorce is directly related to how each parent handles it. If the parents keep the divorce between them and show the kids that they love them, the kids will be fine. That’s a hell of a lot easier said then done, but I think it reflects the reality.
AAG, you always maintain remarkable composure in whatever situation you are in. I know your kids are going to be just fine. You’ll make sure of that.
Hey.
Why didn’t y’all tell me that the sidebar was dropping in IE?
I depend on you IE hold-outs to let me know this stuff!
Halp!
:)
You need to read “Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Beginning a New Life” by Abigail Trafford. Was my bible when I went through what you’re going.
I definitely agree that actions speak louder than words. I need the words to define, but your actions reveal your true intentions.
It takes a lot of courage to go through this, especially with the kids being as young as they are.
I just tried it in IE7 and it works once it clears the phishing filter.
It works…but it drops the sidebar to the bottom of the page.
NOT GOOD!!!!!
It looks the same to me in IE7 and Firefox2. In both sidebar is at the top
Really now.
This thrills me!
Anyone else having sidebar droppage? Or is the universe just fuckin’ with me?
Take a look at this:
http://wordpress.org/support/topic/120912
I have a question AAG if you dont mind. How can you be having all this great sex with another person while your ex still lives with you. That seems like a really hard thing to manage.
Anyways love the articles from you. You really sound like a great women outside of the bed too.
Dear Clipper,
I go out.
:)
I depend on you IE hold-outs to let me know this stuff!
We’re too busy reading to look at the sidebar. We make time for the important stuff. Not so much time for the extras. ;-)
Wonderful post, aag.
I don’t know that there’s ever a time she’ll need to know more than the very basics.
Typically speaking, until she asks and is much older, or until any of them are much older, it’s best to use the generic “We can’t be married any more” statement. Even when she’s 17 or 18, it may still be a little sticky, but she would understand by then it’s private as well. At that age, they don’t get privacy.
Gotta agree. Deeds mean more than talk.
We’re in your corner, baby. I know you’ll keep it under control and functioning. That’s what you do. You make it happen for your kids, and, usually for yourself as well. I’ve always been smitten by your strength.
*giant hug and cunt tickle*
;-)
Ah what a good girl. Food, a home… tv? well- that’s a necessity for a child. my thoughts are with them…
You seem to be doing everything you can to make your kids “understand”, at least the important things– that they will be loved, that they will be taken care of. I believe that you’ve proven your ability to not bad-mouth the ex… and that’s the important part. Kids will figure things out themselves eventually anyway. My daughter was 8 and my son 5 when I escaped my ex. I never badmouthed my ex. And when at 9 and 10 she would ask why we couldn’t all still live together, I just had to explain that the reasons were between her and her father, and that we both loved her but couldn’t stay together. Now at 15, she has the same exact issues with her father that I did… which I find sad, but not unexpected. She loves her father, but she has no questions anymore as to why I left. Children are smart… and they will see reality no matter how much adults try to pretend differently. Sometimes I think they are smarter than we are!!!
Long story short… a lot of love goes a long way… and you have a lot to give, and give it freely. That’s all that matters in the end…
kids are always affected…and they are always thinking. i wish you the best of luck in this!!
xoxo