aag

Yup.

I’m not sure why the incapability of taking care of ones self seems to be tied with the desire to not throw anything away— ever.

I didn’t have a house… so I got to take the few things I needed and leave. New apartment. New (used) furniture that wasn’t stained with memories.

I left the thrift shop/garage sale/trash dump behind.

You will someday be able to reclaim the house… even the smell… and yes, you will probably be accused of “rushing”. But with the click of a phone you can stop listening to the blame. You can turn on some music, cook some dinner, dance with your children in your jammies and let the accusations fade into the distance.

I admire your worry about his ability to take care of himself. It shows a depth of caring that is admirable. But all grown up children someday need to learn that there’s not a fairy that cooks, cleans, pays bills, takes out trash, takes care of the children and the house. It’s a hard lesson, but all children need to learn.

Of course he could follow the usual path and find a woman who will “take care” of him… it’s been known to happen!

Good luck…and keep writing.

So there really are smells worse than my STBX letting the dog piss all over the carpet because the dog comes downstairs because she’s lonely? After persuading him to get the carpets professionally cleaned and suggesting that he not let the dog down in the family room, this adult male with three friggin’ college degrees actually said to me, “But how can I possibly do that?” I had to enunciate when I said, “C.L.O.S.E T.H.E D.O.O.R. No wonder the house isn’t selling!

I am so hoping this man finds another woman soon, and I’m hoping the same for yours. Of course, they would both have to be women with low expectations.

The song “Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair” comes to mind for both of us. Hugs to you, AAG.

Don’t let him leave anything behind — this is ultimatum time, beyond diplomacy. I would say if he doesn’t pack his shit up in a reasonable amount of time, assume all of it is trash.

That’s the mischievous, malicious side of me speaking. I think this is when you symbolically and literally sever nearly all ties, and hopefully he will respect your wishes and remove every trace of himself from your house.

Your new life seems to be shaping up well, and it will get even better as soon as all of this is through.

When you do crack and start packing up his stuff, could you see if he has my teaspoons too?

I know if it was me I’d take GREAT pleasure in packing up ALL his junk on the appointed day, and getting the removal men to take it ALL away for him to sort out in his own place, and then I’d clean the whole house from top to bottom, so that it smelt clean and fresh again, and then any strange smells would at least be my strange smells…….

AGG,

Continuing my theme from 15.

You know the day he’s planning to go. Order a skip to arrive the day before. Calmly tell him that anything of his that isn’t gone within 24 hrs of the due date, he can find in the skip, and the skip will be gone 24 hours after that.

You’ll see how quickly he can learn to move house. And you’ll feel sooo good when you see the crap that he represents on the back of the skip truck driving off down the road.

Accuse you of rushing him out - too bl**dy right! This guy needs a wake-up call.

He threatens child support? Court and bankruptcy.

He won’t see the kids? Thank your lucky stars that such a malign influence will not prevent them from being truly adult, or even worse, to grow up like him.

Michael Jackson or Mike Tyson would be better role models.

When my ex left, he took his clothes and few possesions. We didn’t own much. But when I moved into my own place a month later, it was so nice not to have to find places for his crap. This is my home. And not a day goes by that I regret ever kicking his butt to the curb.

Hire a second van. Anything he doesn’t put in his van, put it in the second. Then deliver both lots to his new house. Let him sort out his crap - you’ve done enough of that already.

I rather the liked the idea of bunging all of his left-behind crap in with his removal van for him to sort through. And the idea of having a skip delivered the day before also appealed!

But, seriously, don’t leave his junk lying around. Bag it all up - all of it - and take the bags to the garage or at least somewhere out of the house. Then the ball’s in his court and you can purge him, his mess and his stench from the house.

You could tell him that the longer the bags lie around the more obvious it will be that they contain nothing of value to him, and that before long (date unspecified) they’ll be disposed of. That way it’s all up to him and you can feel comfortable at last in your own home.

Ah…AAG, you are young. Always remember, men are just little boys with bigger toys. They need boundaries and consequenses just like the little guy snuggled up on your shoulder. Without rancour, with kindness and gentility reflected in your eyes, assist him with his packing. Exclaim your concern for his welfare.

Book a painter, and with a heavy heart, explain to your ex that you will lovingly pack and sort the items for which his very important and busy schedule cannot afford the time. Because of the painter’s backlog, this must be done post haste. With a sad smile, invite him over for coffee to admire the finished product two weeks after you expect the deed to be done.

It is only your concern for him and his busy schedule that motivates you to remedy the problem. His leaving gouges your heart….

Right….

What must be done, must be done.

I hate “men are” comments. Small minds.

Don’t try to be the “nice guy”. Make it clear that child support will be enforced by the courts and don’t hesitate to take him there the very first time he misses a payment. Anybody, women or men, falling down on supporting their children must be taken to court.

Regarding his stuff, don’t do anything for him. Give him a deadline for getting it out. If he doesn’t meet the deadline, then sell the stuff on ebay or throw it away. His problems are no longer yours, right? You are getting a divorce from STBX, sooooo divorce yourself from him.

Oh, and change the locks on the house the very day he moves out.

ahhh…the loveliness of regaining your own space. Good luck to you!

A skip in the UK is a small dumpster not the huge ones you see at construction sites, more like the ones behind restaurants.

I agree, you should toss all his crap into trash bags / boxes and make sure the movers take it all. It’s his problem, not yours.

R

I can imagine how difficult it will be to get rid of everything - I didn’t realize that he was still living there - how difficult must THAT have been?!

Lots of angry ppl here. Too bad really.

It struck me while reading this post as to how your children must be viewing the impending departure of their father. It must be so very unsettling to them knowing that they are losing a parent from their home. Or not?

I’m wondering if you might shed some light on this aspect of your divorce, if not too personal.

Haaaaa is more right than s/he knows about the importance of screaming to the court once he misses a child support payment. As ridiculously incongruous as it seems, some states, including the one my parents divorced in, have a statute of limitations on how long you have to collect back child support. Fortunately, my mother filed last month, a year before time would have run out.

Just an fyi for a few years down the road.

Rtsist, are you seriously suggesting that people should be happy and congenial when discussing the douchelord they divorced? Divorce rarely happens when you’re still in love with a person - in fact, speaking from a truly ignorant, never been married position, I’d wager a guess that most people divorce each other because they can’t stand the other person. What harm comes from being angry?

anger miss mabel only hurts the person who is angry. the person who is being angried at doesn’t have to give a shit after all. (yes i’m a rage bunny on occasion of course)

miss aag?

i thik you wait until he leaves and then you go out to your car/garage and you get the 30 boxes it’s stuffed with and the gross of garbage bags and you stick all of his shit in the garage/backyard/room you WERE sleeping in/storage with the bill in his name and you clean your house and you forget he ever existed.

but you try really hard (as i’m sure you do anyway) not to diss him to his kids. here? please diss on… :) and see if you can get in a visit with your friend… sounds like you need a good fucking.

All my teaspoons are missing too!
But I know where mine are, they’re in the sandbox and the garden and the mudpie pit.
What?
You don’t have a mudpie pit?

i’m with the ultimatum crowd. just tell him, plainly and simply, that anything he leaves behind will be thrown out. Not in a year, not in a month, but the day after he leaves. So if it’s not trash, be better bloddy-well take it with him. He is an adult. He is capable of processing cause/effect scenarios if he chooses to.

You can grow grass? I have been trying to grow some because it costs too much when in comes in little plastic bags.

BTW, badinfluencegirl has a great point about dissing the STBX to the kids. I am sure you don’t that anyway. Just last week my MIL dissed my FIL to my wife. It put my wife in tears for the whole night and she is an adult. Imagine what it does to kids.

Haaaaaaa is on the right track in my opinion, but take it further.

May I suggest that you start playing a little hard ball to change the balance point of your relationship?

God knows you know how to write; put down in writing what you want, what your deadlines are, and what your actions will be if the deadlines are not met. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Express your concerns and your needs, copy both attorneys. If you have a concern regarding costs, suggest escrow monies be posted, by him, for debris removal and associated costs. Make the sum a multiple of $15 for fun. Treat it as if you’re a landlord.

Regarding child support: zero tolerance for non-payment. No excuses; no nothin’.
No payment — its attorney time, with four part harmony and full orchestration.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do.

If the date that he has scheduled his official move out date is located somewhere in your marriage settlement, then anything you do with ‘his’ property after that date is pretty much pointless, since it’s not ‘his’ anymore. While you’re spending days and days cleaning out stuff that used to be his when you could be doing more productive things elsewhere, don’t get too angry. It’s a means to an end.

All those nice feelings you still have for him? Let it show when you run across something that’s a treasured memento from his childhood that he didn’t even know he’d left, much less where he’d left it. Returning the special items might just go a long way towards a civil relationship with him (and if not, you can at least pat yourself on the back). As for the rest of it? Goodwill and your trash collector are going to think that it’s Christmas.

I don’t know how old your kids are, but pay attention to them if they want something of your ex’s before you throw it away. You’re not the only one that’s going through changes and potential hurt and abandonment.

Coming from a reader’s desires - Talk about your children more. Your heart shines through your words. Thank you for sharing them and yourself with us.

I deeply admire your outlooks, my dear, as I have followed you silently for a while. Please come read me when you can….And if I might offer this: somewhere along the way, the man has to FIND his own way. Get him out as soon as you can…paint and clean the place…and move on. We all do it sometime.

“Ah…AAG, you are young. Always remember, men are just little boys with bigger toys. They need boundaries and consequenses just like the little guy snuggled up on your shoulder.” — AAG, this woman has obviously not met a mature, intelligent man recently…we all are not little boys with big toys. I promise you.

You’re a very nice lady.

I’d have packed all his crap and have the boxes sitting by the door right now, waiting for the truck. I can totally see not wanted to pack for him, and enable him anymore, but hey, its enabling him to get the hell out of your house.

I’m nuts about cleaning and packing. I’ll come pack his stuff for you. :)

How long has he been getting ready to move out? From what I just read it has been months. It may sound mean but you should have given him a date … if not gone by such and such it goes in the garbage. That must have been a very uncomfortable time living that way.

I have seen people going back to pick up something they forgot and didn’t finish moving months later. It over … so let’s get a move on.

I can understand your worrying about him not beingh able to handle life on his own … that’s only reasonable after spending 10 years together. He is an adult and sound be able to deal with sink or swim … you can’t be throwing him a life preserver all the time.

I don’t know what the laws are where you live but here (Canada) if somebody stops the support payments then the other party can have his/her wages garnisheed.

Be well

wendy: i’ll trade you pilates lessons for house cleaning…

You and your readers have made me feel better knowing I’m not alone going through a divorce with an immature man even though it took me longer than most to actually do it.

Of course, it’s your sex blogs that give me hope for the future! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

I can completely relate with your situation… I moved all my soon-to-be-ex-wife’s stuff in a bedroom a few month’s ago, and due to unforseen circumstances, it will probably be there for some time longer.

To Haaaaaaa…of course you don’t like “men are” comments….you are one yourself! I have to admit, other than your snide small minds comment (now who’s generalizing) you sound like a nice guy who truly loves and is concerned about his wife and family.

My mind is every bit as big as my rear end, just for the record, both of which go very well with my equally sized heart.

Out of respect for you, however, I will attempt to refrain from such generalizations in the future.

But…posts like the one aag just posted make it entirely more difficult that it should be…add to that my totally testosterone laden household and…what more can I say?

Holy Shit!

The way you describe him … I can’t BELIEVE you are getting a divorce

*dripping sarcasm*

You deserve so much better, babydoll. And you’ll have it. I just know it. You are way to smart, witty and cool for it not to happen for you.

*big giant hugs*

I vote for the Junk King, or whatever service like that operates down your way.

And a painter.

And a beautiful king-size bed to replace the current furniture.

And a strong lock to keep the kids out of your bedroom when you and your guests are using it.

AAG, you are at least saintly if not an actual saint. Based on your description I’d begin to plan to live with out child-support. Not because he’ll do it on purpose (which he might, who knows) but because he sounds like a guy who just can’t get his act together. Which means he will probably lose his job at some point, and become under or unemployed. You can’t get blood from a turnip nor can you get child support from a penniless father. Sure you can sue, etc. but just start planing for the day. I say because I was the child who had to work three jobs in college because my schmuck father didn’t pay child support. I was also the kid who couldn’t play sports because I was working an after school job for the same reason. I may be bitter but by preparing now and not counting on anything from him you and the kids will be better prepared and hopefully positively surprised if everything works out. Plus they won’t be bitter because of it. Good luck. I can’t imagine how you’ve done it all for so long.

i totally understand the “turtle” like speed in how this is all moving along…i went through something similar. i wish you all the best. and, it is inevitably going to be your place…so, tell him to get his stuff out or you will be taking care of it as you wish! xoxo