aag

Nope. I think there’s a definite difference.

Over the years we have played with dozens of people (mostly couples but some singles) Many were one night stands but several became good friends and the relationship as lasted over several years. Some continue to be playmates and some not. We both feel love for these people and share in their joys and sorrows. There is a huge difference between romantic love that leads to commitment, marriage, etc and the love we feel for friends even friends with benefits.

Love is all it’s about.

And to love is to enjoy ;)

I think a more interesting question would be is what you feel toward your friend eros or agape? Is it merely a physical, sexual attraction, or is he at a point where his happiness is essential to your own?

Rupert’s comment shows one way to differentiate between these feelings of affection. Another way is exclusivity. Perhaps you can love many people, but if you are in love that connotes that you are only in love with him. Which, I understand, is not where you want to go, at least now.

I think that you are healing, learning, exploring, and enjoying. He is helping you mend, teaching, exploring and enjoying.
Lucky both of you!!
As far as love goes, for me it boils down to answering: Do I want this person in my life for a very long time, and would I be willing to sacrifice and care for this person?
I suppose it’s about the places you have in one another’s heart.

I’ve been a teacher/mentor to quite a few women over the years. Some I felt only lust at the moment, some I didn’t even feel that, just a curiosity (voyeurism) and pleasure in helping them learn to cum for extended periods of time. Some, however, were more important to me. Some touched my heart, touched my inner lust, and I loved them. At the time, I might have said, in several cases, that I was in love. In hindsight, I think I loved them / felt the strong attraction of early relationships (brain chemistry based).

I think being “in love” has more to do with what Mr. and Mrs. SW and dap are saying then, ie, long term knowing, long term relationship seeking, than the “lurve” you describe yourself as feeling at present. I have come to believe that if one is to avoid the problems created by that early brain chemistry, one must know someone at the very very least for all the seasons of the year, and spend extended time with them, not just bed time, to begin to talk about “in love” and have it have any long term possible meaning.

big trouble dear AAG.
sex has a scientifically proven bonding effect in females….

If wanting a relationship to progress to something larger is a prerequisite for being in love, then that would mean that there are a lot of people who are incapable of love. Marriage, exchanging rings, etc. is just a custom of culture. Most people would say that monogamy is a requirement for being in love, but I don’t buy that either. There are many ways to be in love. What a particular relationship means to you and the pain it would cause you if it ended are better indicators of being in love, in my opinion.

Oh Jeez. This is where people always get confused about poly. You shouldn’t worry about what this person is saying about you. Part of the whole philosophy is that you can (and should be able to without judgement) love multiple people. It’s up to you and your own feelings how many and to what extent.

I have no doubt that you can “lurve” your current friend without having to have all the traditional marriage accoutrements.

What Annie said.

Why would it be a problem if you were “in love” with your friend? Is attachment not allowed?

But what is “too much”? I mean, as long as you’re happy with what you have, and he’s ok with it, does it matter how you (or anyone else!) define your feelings?

And I really hope that was a joke about the “sex has a scientifically proven bonding effect in females….” because that’s been one of many things that has helped to label women as sluts for ages. Clearly, any woman that can have sex without “bonding” or “falling in love” must be a slut, because all “normal” women feel a deep bond after sex. End sarcasm. Sorry, I just hate when people use possibly wonky scientific research (which in this case is highly disputed) to stereotype people even further.

-S

Very.. verrrryyy interesting discussion…

if I may add my 2 bits…

I think you clearly love him.

It is not at all clear that he loves you- you don’t give us enough information to answer that… though I do think that he usually treats you lovingly… but perhaps not always.

I think you might be “in love” with him, though you may be afraid to admit it… or afraid to let it happen… due to all of the fears and anxieties that come with being in love… in a committed relationship.
… your anxiety about what was said between him and her, and the fact that you did “look over” from time to time makes me think you cared and were concerned abot what was going on.

(I hope I don’t write too much, but…)
… one other thought I had was that maybe you should spend more time with some other(s) in the near future.. so that you can extend your poly/bi inclinations, and resist your romance/ relationship inclinations.

Tell us about your poly/bi inclinations…

aag you seem to understand the difference between being “in love” and “loving” someone, quite well. I don’t see that as trouble or a problem.

Unless you want to, you shouldn’t have to educate others.

Loving someone and being in love with someone can be completely different things.

You could fall in love with him, if you haven’t started to already, but that doesn’t mean you will, or you have. Honestly, only you could make that assessment and at the end of the day and you only have to be accountable to yourself!

No, not splitting hairs. If you are I’ve been splitting hairs all of my adult, and most of my teenage, life. It wasn’t until I was 17 or 18 that I defined, for me, what the difference between loving someone and being in love with them was but it was long before then that I realised there was an actual difference.

Oh please. Based on what you’ve written, you are totally in love with him. He moved your very bones, for pete’s sake! Why are you so afraid to admit. Also, I’d be willing to bet your friend knows it too.

Very Moving Post….
Think about this,,,He will show you that he loves you in many ways,,some large , some small,,this is really the Essence of Love,,the willingness to give of yourself, and in turn, to recieve, without reservation, or hesitance..
As to the definition, Being IN Love, or Loving…I think you understand the differences very well…

Of course you’re trouble.
You test boundries and push the limits.
You’re trouble to those stuck in the mud.
I like trouble, it seems to follow ME where ever I go. ;)

i do believe that there is a difference in being in love and loving someone…the boundaries are different….the goals are different…but why does it matter….either way you are enjoying love….and enjoying your friend…no need to overanalyze it. xoxo

I hope there is a difference because the ex told me that she loved me the other day after helping her through a bit of trouble.

I find it hard to believe that you are so much trouble that you aren’t worth the effort.. and that is the most important element

All I know is that your blog started about your kids, family, divorace, exploring your sexuality, about the different partners that you’re spending time with to… almost exclusively this “friend” that you keep referring to.

I think there is a definately a difference between love and being in love. The love me and mrs have is strong built on years of exeperience together, building a family and life. We are in love!

On the other hand we have friends that we love but that doesn’t mean that its more than a strong relationship with some mutual conection. I think the connection could take many forms: family, work, sports and maybe even sex partners.

I think the distinctions are pointless. Love is a good and positive thing. Feel it. Accept it. Go with the flow, wherever it takes you (or doesn’t).

Don’t worry so much. You should change your motto to:

??!

the lady doth protest, etc.

but you’re obviously very clear on the fact that the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere in the traditional sense, so it seems likely that when the end does come, you’ll handle it in a positive, mature way, despite whatever pain you might feel.

I agree that there is most definitely a difference in loving someone and being in love. As long as you are aware of what you feel, nothing else matters.

I agree with you aag: it’s pretty much linguistic issue. I’m a native Spanish speaker myself, and in Spanish we do have different words for different kinds of love, and that helps us to avoid confusions, but in the English language there’s only one word for all kinds of affection: “love”. It makes no difference (talking strictly about words, ’cause there’s obviously a difference in the feeling) if you “love” your parents, your kids, your pet, your signifficant other, or a big chocolate ice cream.

I think you friend shouldn’t listen to that girl’s warning. If he knows you, then he knows what kind of “love” you have for him, right?

***

This is my first comment on your wonderful blog, which is now one of my regular readings while surfing the net… I just wanna say I really enjoy reading you. It’s great to find a sex blogger who has the ability to blog about every day stuff too…

)O(

AAG….

I think that you are exploring a new side of your life, and with that comes the realization that many people will try to pigeon-hole you and stick you into a category. It makes it easier on them if they can “figure out” what you mean (in a way that fits into their own views), instead of really trying to get to know you.

As maddening as it is to have people try to tell you what you’re “really” feeling… that girl was talking about you based on what she interpreted… within her own little set of rules and views on life. Some people can’t see things as they are, without their own distortions.

Not everybody really questions themselves and is honest with themselves.

Took my almost 40 years to figure that out and it I still am not very Zen with it.

As long as you are honest with yourself (which you seem to be), and keep an eye on what you really feel (again, what you seem to be), you’re good. All the other little Stepford People can keep living in their own little worlds.

So there.

M