If you were ever in the position to give me a gift, you would find that I am the worst person in the entire universe for whom to shop.
Unless you were to give me cash. Cash is always deeply appreciated.
But normal gifts? Gifts that can be wrapped in pretty paper and given on a birthday or a holiday or just because? I hate ‘em.
Actually, it’s not so much that I hate gifts. It’s that I’ve developed a massive mistrust of them.
Early on I learned that if I wasn’t extraordinarily specific in the months leading up to the traditional gift-giving occasions, I would get odd presents. Really odd. No, I mean really really odd.
I sound like an ingrate. I probably am.
I adopted the strategy of asking for very specific things. I’d include colors and even model numbers. I passed along catalogs with items circled in bold black marker. I have no shame. Seemed like a better strategy than immediately donating every gift to charity.
It didn’t always help. My preferences were ignored times without number by my family.
The soon-to-be ex followed in this tradition masterfully. He thought his wife should want jewelry or clothes or gift cards to fancy stores. I never did. I found it appallingly frustrating to be given things that missed the mark by such a wide margin.
Please forgive me for going all pop-psychoanalizational on y’all, but it’s always seemed to me like these people either forgot who I was—or they never knew in the first place. They gave gifts to the person they wished I was instead of to me.
Their gift-giving ineptitude bore the stench of placation. You abused your kid for years? Eh, just give her a cashmere sweater. You can’t or won’t be intimate with your wife? A pricey bracelet will make her forget. But I wear neither cashmere nor sweaters, and jewelry on my hands makes me fidget uncontrollably.
Kee-rist I’m a pain in the ass.
Now I find myself in a quite nice relationship with a quite nice man. I do believe that ideas are a-brewin’ in his crafty lil’ mind about buyin’ me some stuff. And not necessarily even “stuff” per se. For starters, the man would like to take me to dinner. A nice dinner.
And I don’t want it. I don’t want to be the girl who has to be fed a fancy meal before she’ll put out. I don’t need to be taken to a movie before I’ll bestow a kiss. I do not require wining and dining.
I’m screaming “Don’t placate me with gifts!” even though this man has shown no signs of placation in any of our interactions. I’m so burned by past attempts that I see his honest efforts to do something sweet for me in the same light.
That’s pathetic, isn’t it?
I need to expand my definitions of what constitutes a demonstration of love. Right now I’d like to believe that only a good solid fucking that lasts 4+ hours counts. While that is certainly a wonderful thing, a quiet dinner with some sedate hand-holding might also serve to demonstrate love.
Right? Please advise.
We all define or accept love in different ways. Some people like gifts, others like acts of kindness, there are those who like touch and those who like warm words. I think there are also those who like to have the gift of time spent together. Or so says some self-help book we read for book club last year.
In actuality, I think there is some truth to the idea. None of them is right or wrong. Just different. You have to figure out what your definition is. Someone may have a different definition and may express it in a different way, right (and not to excuse the bad behavior of those you mention)?
The fact that he wants to spend time with you. That sounds like a good sign to me.
But what do I know. I just read some book in book club.
Glad things are going well!!
Gifts are weird sometimes. I had an ex who HATED being given anything that cost more than 10$. It made him feel guilty to get gifts, yet I would have to fight tooth and nail to get him to let me pay for my part of whatever we would do.
I love to give and get gifts – my best friend and I trade all the time, and didn’t gift most of the crafts I make, I wouldn’t have any where to sit. Some people like to give just coz it makes them feel good. ^_^
But if they make you feel uncomfortable, well, thats who you are. At the holidays, sugest people make donations in your name to a favourite charity.
If they really want to get you something, send them your wishlist on amazon. At least then, you know you’ll get something you want, and they can still surprise you!
Thats how my mom chooses my gifts. (When I pick hers, I get approval from my sister, who knows her best)
And gift cards. Gift cards are always a safe thing to ask for. I think people feel better somehow about giving you a gift card than just giving you cash, because it seems like there’s a little bit more though in it. “See, I know you like to read (insert topic), but I don’t know what you want/have! So here’s a borders card”
As for dinner with your man, I say, go for it. Let him buy you a nice dinner. Then, you can buy him a nice dinner, and you can be evens!
yeah, you suck
In a really really great way :o)
Bracelets should feel uncomfortable they are meant to represent bondage or a visible sign of ownership (Think friendship bracelets or the slang for handcuffs). I have not seen any evidence that you like or want to be owned.
Be as you are happy as yourself not as an addition to someone else.
Sometimes gifts are bribes to forget past sins and sometimes there not. Gifts are more about the giver than the receiver. I’ve always found it more fun to watch my gifts being opened than to open gifts myself.
Where STBX is concerned, probably a bribe, but have to know that a lot of marriages go that way. “I husband, vow to support you in the lifestyle you wish to have, as long as you leave me alone.” That involves jewels and cars and clothes. He was pretty clueless anyway.
Sometimes gifts are about sharing something you love with someone you love. You might not need that fancy dinner to get rev’ed up for later, but have you thought about it from your man’s point of view? Maybe he wants to go out for a nice dinner, at a place he really likes, and would like to share that with you. Maybe he just wants to hang out someplace cool and talk to you.
You have to get this idea of reciprocity out of your head.
Just another one of your posts that let’s me know I am not alone feeling a certain way about things.
I have felt this way about gifts since I was young. Especially the aspect of receiving something that makes me wonder who it was really intended to please.
Until my last birthday, when my lover made me feel special and bestowed gifts that touched me with his thoughtfulness and their beauty.
My wife is like your family and husbands, will comepletely ignore lists that I give her around holidays. And it has gotten to the point where she just doesn’t even bother any longer. My birthday is in a month, and I am already assuming no gift.
But I am in an opposite situation than you are. I have a friend that I care about a great deal, and because of our marital situations, the only thing I can give her are small gifts and lunches out. She knows what they all mean, and is extremely grateful for them.
I say accept the offer for dinner very graciously, as a sign that he enjoys your company outside of the bedroom. As a man, I know that I would love that.
Holy Crap on a condom!
I soooo understand the way you feel!
Every year my mother asks for a detailed list of gifts that I want, EVERY YEAR.
I give her the store, the item, the color, the location of the rack where I last saw the item and yet each year she misses the point.
And I know this sounds immature but my siblings always seem to get the right things.
My sister says it’s because I accept what my mother gives me with graciousness instead of telling her that she messed up.
Nice, right?
I need to be a brat to get what I want?
And the EXhole? He only gave me things HE thought I should have. Gold jewelry instead of the silver I adored, colorful clothes instead of my standard NY black. It was exaclty like he was giving me gifts for the person he wanted me to be and not the person I was.
And to top that all off I have issues with accepting gifts because I ALWAYS feel that there is some ‘catch’ that goes along with the gift.
I hate getting gifts because I feel guiltly because I’ll never be able to repay the gift giver.
Jeesh laweeze I am a walking advertisment for psycho therapy!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has issues with gifts.
:)
My birthday is coming up, and I HATE my birthday – all I want is to be able to shirk ALL of my responsibilities for a day and have a nice, quiet dinner in some out of the way place, sans kids.
What do I get? A fifty from my mother (although this year it helped buy my tattoo, so I can’t complain on that), and a birthday cake that is picked up two hours after my husband realizes that he’s forgotten it.
Learning how to give a gift and to receive a gift is an art. I do try to listen to Mrs SW for clues. I look over her shoulder when she flips through the latest catalogue. When she make a comment about an item I try to remember. Also as we get older, we need less. However the greatest gift is the gift of self
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman is an excellent take on this issue. Maybe there are more than “five” so don’t get hung up on that and miss the more important message: That a caring person might not realize that how they want and express love isn’t the same as how someone else does… The meta-conversation lets you figure out how to have the real interactions in a way meaningful to all parties…
There are very few people in my life who know me well enough to get me appropriate gifts. My ex is one, actually. She always got me, and still does, things that suit my personality. Or, things she knew I needed (that was easier when we were living together).
I find mostly people (and I’m sure I’ve been guilty of this myself) get what they think someone “like that” might want. Also, I think many of us wait till the last minute, which doesn’t help in the decision making process.
My family always got me just the wrong things and I always spent time at the return counter after the holidays. I expected, and so did they. We’d give each other things with the proviso “if it doesn’t fit”, “if it’s not the right color”, etc. “you can return it”. It was part of the process.
Eve
I’ve received my share of “do-you-really-know-me-at-all?” gifts, but as Eve pointed out, you can always return them…
Now… your friend is getting his share of sex without giving you a thing. That he would like to treat you to a nice dinner or maybe give you something as a gift is a GOOD thing. It means he cares for you and wants to spoil you — he thinks you deserve it. And you do.
Let him take you to dinner, then after awhile, let him give you a card or something. Baby steps. Work your way up.
Okay I was always the ungrateful brat in my family- eventually they just started giving me money, I was 13 when my grandmother gave up and started giving me money and everyone else followed suit. I didn’t hem and haw about my displeasure at having received something I did not want.
As an adult, I’ve figured it all out. I tell people, exactly, what I want. A lot of people think I’m a bitch, and that I am an unappreciative ass, but I also hate surprises. They’re never good.
I have no problems telling people what exactly I want from them – when they want to give me something and ask. The problem is when they don’t ask. I drop very very direct hints about how I hate it when people don’t ask me for what I want, because I always end up with something I didn’t want or need.
Now you see i must be one of the weird ones cause i like to get gifts but i always get weird ones. I also love to give gifts, probably more so than receiving them.
Just write down exactly what it is you want! I try to do that now to avoid being given granny PJs or tubs of vaseline
I was very similar for a long time…I loved to buy presents for people if I was in a store or at a faire and saw something they might like, but was incredibly wary of anything given to me (other than time spent together). Did I owe them something? A gift? Time? Sex? Was the power dynamic changed now?
My mother used to get me things I’d never even considered to exist, none the less wanted…a celestrial fleece one piece ROMPER (keep in mind I’m far over 18), a gold ring with my name on it (I wear neither gold nor rings), a plug in electric ice scraper, etc. Because I hated that she didn’t even care to see what her own daughter would like, I became turned off to gifts. And some men I dated made me turned off to “in-kind” gifts, like them paying for dinner, movies, etc. I wouldn’t even let platonic friends pay.
And then one birthday I got amazing gifts from friends. A Bettie Page rink on a necklace (so I would wear it). Sea monkies. Avenue Q bootlegged onto audio tapes so I could listen in my cd player-less car. A hand written “gift cert” to IHOP for pumpkin pacakes. Things that weren’t expensive, or even bought, but that we well thought out, and were clearly for *me*.
I realized that not all gifts have an ulterior motive, or are given because they’re “supposed to be” and that when someone offers to take me out for dinner (and isn’t offended when I mention that next time we do a nice meal, it’s my turn), maybe they don’t have a reason for it – they just, like me, saw or thought of something someone close to them liked, and decided to go foward.
Good post :)
LOL. You just want him to plan for decadent sex in the restaurant where you have to pretend nothing is going on!
My STBX was horrible at gift giving. For my first Mother’s day (which, by the way, does not require a gift) he gave me a book called “How To Look 10 Years Younger.” I’m not making this up. I remember hurling the book across the room like a frisbee and yelling, “If you wanna fuck a 17-yr-old, go right ahead.” That’s right. I was 27 at the time. He didn’t get it. After that, I told him what I wanted. After he screwed that up, I picked it out, paid for it, and had them hold it behind the counter. After that, I told him never to get me another gift. It was too painful for us both. So I know how you feel. But I so love gifts and I love it when people get me. Foot lotion, frames, and stationery. It’s simple. Maybe it was just too simple for the STBX, and he tried to make it complicated. I think he always fel;t so inadequate because he couldn’t thnk of something on his own that fit. But who knows if he was even thinking that hard! I love the way Mr. SW thinks. He should conduct classes for men!
I love getting gifts from anyone.
In the case of men I might have sex with, well, there is that whole uncomfortable thing of “if I accept dinner, does that mean I have to put out.” But it doesn’t. Enjoy your nice dinner, and smile. It’s the universe’s way of paying you back for all the dinners you made for others, or something.
“Now… your friend is getting his share of sex without giving you a thing.”
Good Lord! Not giving me a thing?
The sex and intimacy and love is a perfect gift all by itself! He gives me orgasms! And touch! And…all that other good stuff!
It’s hardly like I’m lying there thinking of the Queen while we do it!
:)
Thank you for stopping by my blog on my comment on my make believe trip to blogher.
I’ve had all sort of opinion about gift listed. One year one of my Aunts ask somethings that my boys could use at Christmas and I did write a list and she got one of everything on list.
But on the other hand when you tell someone not to get you certain thing and they just get that item you real don’t need or can’t stand.
I’ve always thought I was exceedingly easy to buy for…anything with the Raiders on it is pretty much good to go in my book.
Considering I also still have the mentality of a 12 year old I love getting GI Joe’s, Lego’s and Transformers…even if all they end up doing is decorating the shelves I have around my computer.
I love love LOVE it when Amorphous takes me out. Doesn’t even have to be fancy. We enjoy going out and enjoying all the sensations of going out. We talk about anything and everything and when our conversations turn erotic, we can’t wait to get home! On the flip side. On my day off, after we have been intimate for hours, our tradition is to go out for breakfast/lunch at a local restaurant. We love it.
Giving a gift, whether it is an item or time, should represent your feelings for the recipient.
Receiving a gift that you have no use for or was not requested, to me, signifies that the gift giver cares little for the person they are giving the gift to.
I also have a problem with being given gifts that either have just missed the plate or were hit out of the park. I’ve long ago given up stressing over them and bring them to Goodwill. I tried to use the old, “it’s the thought that counts.” But obviously no thought was given.
Your friend is giving you something to cherish. He wants to give you his time. He seems to want to know more about you and I don’t think the meal is to placate, it’s to extend the time he can be with you.
Accept the dinner, in the spirit in which it was given,,then take him back to your lair,,and have your way with him,,,
That’ll Teach Him!!!!
I most certainly will.
:)
“And I don’t want it. I don’t want to be the girl who has to be fed a fancy meal before she’ll put out. I don’t need to be taken to a movie before I’ll bestow a kiss. I do not require wining and dining.”
oh love
yes you do… we ALL do… we just need it to be given to us with love instead of hidden expectations that we be someone else.
and hon? he WANTS to do it for the right reasons…. maybe it’s time to try some of that trust stuff okay?
How about having him tie your legs together under the table at dinner? It certainly added a whole new dimension to my last dinner out!
it is sweet that he wants to get you a gift…and i understand getting those gifts that you never wanted in the first place….perhaps, you could go to dinner and maul each other in the restroom? lol
xoxo
I must preface this with the disclaimer that I have a deep and abiding love of presents – even the awful ones that are completely not my style…probably because it’s exceedingly rare for me to receive a gift that’s obligatory. My gifties arrive because people truly care. They might miss the mark completely (and oh, I have some hideous things), but I know they tried and I love that they wanted to give me something. I know the same isn’t true for you.
That said, this yummy man of yours has always worked hard to please you in the past. Why would this case be any different? And…why have you been (so very) successfully pleasured thus far? Mostly, I infer, because you’ve communicated. Again, why should this be any different? Communicate your anxieties, your frustrations, your desires, your whatever about getting gifts. Who knows, maybe the presents will be on par with everything else. ;)
And even if they’re not, you can (try to) enjoy the thought that they come from a desire to please you, not because, shit, it’s your birthday, and he has to give you something.
Also, for the record, imagine the sexual tension of the two of you in some fancy schmancy restaurant where you’re utterly tormenting each other, being deliciously provocative with your food. Public foreplay. I expect a full report.
Love your blog. Love it. :)
I know what you mean – I make explicit lists and have managed to coax most of the family into my “non surprise” gift giving practices. I’m just too busy to be running around returning things I didn’t want or need. Cold? OK?
It’s not so much that the others do not listen to hints or outright lists. They read and hear what you want but because they think they know you better than you know yourself, they will pick something that they feel you will like better than anything on the list. remember the old adage … it’s the thought that counts … bullshit … it’s also the gift. It takes good eyes and good ears to hear him/her
Accept it just cuz YOU are a GIRL.
Simple as that. Now you have to take it.
Dinner is great, because it’s a way for a guy to show he cares — I guess I’m just old-fashioned like that. I try to pay for dinner whenever I can, personally, and I think of it as a nice occasion when I take my girlfriend out to dinner. I wouldn’t take it as placating you, I think he’s just trying to be a gentleman.
Besides, if you’re both into the sex, why would either of you need any coaxing or placation to continue? One generally placates if they feel guilty, too, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.
My girlfriend’s much the same way as you with gifts — she doesn’t want nor require inane gifts out of the blue to stay happy. and I think that’s a good way to be. Although these aren’t required, when they do come, take them in stride and know that he means well. and by all means, continue to not require gifts — when you get into a relationship where it’s a constant game of giving and receiving gifts, that’s never good news. It all balances out in the end (same with money loaned/received).
phew. sorry for the long comment. I try to keep up with your lovely blog, and I don’t comment all the time, but when I do have something to say I try to. I always enjoy reading your stuff, dear.
That’s not what I meant, silly girl! :)
What I meant was that you’re putting out because you want to, and that he doesn’t need to ply you with gifts to get you into bed. There’s no ulterior motive.
Ok then!
Forgive me for jumping to conclusions!
:)