“If that happened, I’d call you one last time so we could talk.”
“Right,” I answered, keeping the shakiness out of my voice with some effort. “I’d appreciate that very much.”
“And then I’d hang up. And I’d cry.”
******
We were discussing the eventual end. Our eventual end.
Everything ends. We’ll end too, sooner or later. I’d prefer for our end to happen years from now; unfortunately, there’s one rule of life that I can state with almost 100% conviction: We rarely get to choose when good things come to an end.
I’ve not been explicit about it thus far. Maybe you’ve guessed? Have you surmised that his relationship with me is not the primary relationship in my friend’s life? Ours is a secondary relationship.
This is not quite the same thing as being a second. I sincerely hope that dueling is never required, but if it is, I’ll do my best to be supportive. Let’s pray it doesn’t come to that, shall we?
The relationship between my friend and me could be over at any time. We exist at the pleasure of the person who occupies the primary spot in his life.
I accept this. I most emphatically do not want to harm his primary relationship. Based on the (admittedly incomplete) picture I’ve formed of it thus far, I stand in awe of what they share. Even if I were so inclined, I’d gain nothing by harming them.
Honestly, I’d hesitate at this point to get involved with someone who wanted the standard progression through dating to exclusivity to (possibly) marriage. That would scare the very pants off of me and not in a good way. I’m very happy right now to be in a relationship where there is no possibility of exclusivity.
I don’t want the fairy tale. I’ve had it. It wasn’t so great.
******
Feel free to parse the above pair of paragraphs for pathology. I’ll wait.
******
Are we done now? Can we move on? Alrighty then.
A relationship such as this requires a great deal of learning on my part. And negotiation. And thought. And altered expectations.
And no matter how much I’d like to exert control by absorbing information, the fact remains that this relationship contains more than the usual amount of uncertainty.
Does this kind of uncertainty disturb me, you ask? I’d like to say that it doesn’t at all, but that would be not entirely honest. It bothers me not as much as you might expect. I consider it an amazing blessing any time someone I love comes back to me, whether it’s for another date, or from a trip, or from the store, or from school, or from another room.
Unless I’ve got my eyes on them, I don’t truly know what they are up to, and life to me seems so painfully fragile that even when I’m well-medicated, I picture the approximately 978 things in any situation which could go abysmally wrong and therefore snatch a loved one away from me in an instant.
Suffice it to say that uncertainty and I maintain a cautious detente. I watch uncertainty closely. I know its power. I don’t ever forget its presence or influence in my life.
So I’m prepared as much as I can be, I suppose, for that phone call. Looking forward to it? Fuck no.
However, this gives me hope: He has a remarkable ability to keep going after he comes. Every time, I expect him to stop or at least to pause like most mortal men do. But I see him as a god; he keeps going and going and I keep coming and coming.
When this happens, I gather my wits together enough to ask him loopily, “How can you still be fucking me?”
And he murmurs into my ear, “I will always be fucking you.”
Yes, yes he will be.
Even when he’s no longer in my bed. Even when we haven’t seen each other in years. Even when he’s gone. He’s altered my past and future. He’s moved my very bones. He’ll never really be gone.
And this makes the idea of our eventual end just a little easier to bear.
******
“We must not grieve for those dear to us before their passing.”
“Before their passing…Tell me…what is before?”
F. Herbert, Dune Messiah
Melancholy.
I love that you’re enjoying your time with him, and trying to maybe keep a realistic view of things, even on your end. That you know definitively what you don’t want, is important.
I have the same sort of issue, but my paranoias are about odd things that I’m always trying to prepare for just in case because it COULD happen (and it usually does, on TV and usually to someone else’s child, grandmother etc). My anxiety disorder sucks that way, so I relate in that way.
*hugs*
Heartbreakingly beautiful. I have had very similar feelings, and I can never fully forget that all things end eventually. I love your hot, lusty stories, but this was just as well done. What a complex and simple thing you’ve got going.
For fine tuning this sort of thing, I highly recommend the book “The Ethical Slut” to poly folks, of course [it's a basic], and another is “Learning the Ropes” by Race Bannon. Although the second one is about basic SM, it’s also very good for relationship communication skills, even for vanilla folks. Sometimes reading back through some of the how-to helps with how-to-tweak-and-preserve.
FWIW, in the late 1970′s I had the monogamous fairy tale, white picket fence and old English sheepdog and all, and it fell flat and malignant as well. Many many years of hard work and I actually have a fairly good fairy tale going on now, that is poly and good. Keep on truckin’!
I feel like crying, that was so honest. Someone who makes you feel the way you describe remains in your heart forever. No final phone call will ever take that away. x
It just happened to me. It’s happening now. It’s awful. We’ve been doing what we do for 3 years and it’s always bothered me, not that he has a primary relationship, but that she doesn’t know about us. And now he’s marrying her and I want more than anything for him to be honest with her, and me, and himself. Their relationship is so close and strong and I have never threatened that. Why should she begrudge me his love and body?
But he has not been honest and won’t start now, and I will carry on, but I miss him already in a way that takes me breath away and makes tears spring to my eyes in a business meeting, or driving in my car. It’s awful. But I’m so happy for what we had.
wow
I won’t even intrude … But great quote
Cool …
(As opposed to God Emperor)
I was the (known) secondary for about 18 months until December of last year. It was, as you have so eloquently put it, just what I needed at the time. I was not emotionally able to be committed to anyone, I was not ready to even consider that prospect. But, I also didn’t want to be having countless one night stands to fill my sexual needs – I need a bit more connection than that. (And, like you pointed out in your “buttsex primers”, you need a bit of intimacy with someone before you go there!) So I had Sam and Sam had his loving wife who, in this amazing, beautiful way, accepted me into the family. None of our friends could understand how we did it – even throwing a joint birthday party for Sam together. Intellectually, I suppose, I don’t understand either. But it seriously worked for us.
I often was preparing myself for the end. Wondering if his wife would ever decide she was sick of him sleeping over at my house, that she didn’t want him making out with me in public, that our dirty dancing was just too much. I made it clear to both of them that I accepted the secondary nature of our relationship, that it was fine with me – that it made me truly happy. But I worried how I would react when he/they ended it.
Then, I found myself in a space where I decided to end it instead. I wanted to find out if I was ready for commitment after 3 years of being blissfully single. I told the universe “bring it on.” I put it a lot nicer to Sam, of course. I didn’t know what to tell his wife, so I chickened out and let him tell her. And then she called me and demanded to know what was going on. Apparently, we had a good thing going and she was scared that I was breaking up with the whole family (I wasn’t; we’re still lovey-dovey… just not lovey-dovey.)
And by the by, the universe called my bluff and threw a bitch of a plot twist my way by returning The Boy to my life after those 3 years apart. Older & wiser, we’ve actually managed to not only reconnect but establish a much more intimate, trusting, loving relationship. I credit most of my wiser-ness to Sam and his wife.
So, yes, prepare yourself. Accepting your relationship for what it is, is the only way for you to get the fullest amount of love, sex, silliness out of it… but well… I suppose what this monstrosity of rambling is saying is, you never know how it’s going to play out. And that is terrifying and oh-so-satisfying, eh?
This is the part of Polyamory relationships that I haven’t read about yet – so it’s nice to see the other side of the story.
HOW does he stay hard?! Is the man made of steel?!
Your writing is a service to other women and men. My experience with clients in my practice and reading about relationships tell me that there are many, many people in an unsatisfying primary relationship but for what ever reasons do not want to leave that relationship. However they meet some of their needs in a secondary relationship. You talk about ways of negotiating this relationship and I am sure help others through the rough spots. All choices have consequences – some good, some not so good. I wish you the best in your choice and keep up the good writing.
Very moving, AAG.
Though I can feel your innate sense of fairness towards all parties concerned running through your words, what moves me most is another aspect of your personality: your integrity.
Integrity in all things is one of the most difficult things for most to accomplish. Living with others is often a lot easier without it but what it takes from you if you do that is the most hellish sort of payback. Realizing your strengths and limitations and being willing to explore them? I admire you for your honest path.
I, too, have known men in my life that I wanted to be with but their lives and choices took them in different directions. The pain of losing them was severe but in the end, the lessons they taught me about myself and the love they gave me when they had it to give was worth every single tear. Pain is the best baptism; without it, how could we know what joy truly is?
Thank you for this entry. It made me remember why I did it all for.
What a wonderfully worded post. And one that shows what a truly ethical poly relationship looks like. I’m amazed by the beauty, love, truth and honesty you’ve put forth.
And I agree about the “I’d hesitate at this point to get involved with someone who wanted the standard progression through dating to exclusivity to (possibly) marriage” – for those who enjoy poly or non-monogamous relationships (myself included), the idea of someone wanting to “settle down” (and definining settle down as become monogamous) seems pretty foreign…
this post reminds me of two quotes:
All things must come to an end.
Never love with all your heart, it only ends in breaking.
but the end of things leads to a new beginning to other, sometimes more beautiful, things.
“Never love with all your heart, it only ends in breaking.”
I absolutely reject this thought. :)
I am amazed, given all you have been though, how gentle and balanced your outlook is.
I really understand this post. I ultimately had to back off of my relationship as a ‘secondary’ because I felt myself falling harder for him, and knowing that I would never be the primary. But it’s not over. It will never really be over…. *hugs
AAG,
Your post brought this quote from Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein character).
“The more you love, the more you can love–and the more intensely you love.. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
Pete
Your post brought this quote from Lazarus Long to my mind.
“‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all. ”
Alfred Lord Tennyson
I also like that he said, “IF …”
I really do hope that this relationship lasts for as long as you want it and ends in a way you both want. You deserve nothing less.
If I had the temerity to offer advice, it would be to urge you not to over-analyse the relationship – why it is so good or how it could go wrong or end. Take it for what it is and enjoy every second of it. Leave the future to take care of itself – it will anyway.
LR
someone recently told me that heartbreak is just to tell us that we really tried… and maybe that’s actually true you know? [and i absolutely reject that quote as well aag]
i recently ended a lover relationship because he couldn’t be honest with me (or the mutual friend he has since blown off quite rudely) and unfortunately we can no longer be friends.
however? he will, in truth, always be fucking me… he taught me to pray and to come more than once and more than twice and to lose count of my orgasms and to give rather than to receive…
how do you forget that?
Life IS so painfully fragile–you are so right and it bears looking at and feeling it with such care. I find I need to pay attention more and more to just keep up. This was an inspiring writing…
I meant “d henry” (smile)
Someone amazing once said to me, “Do not covet our time, for if you do it will never be enough.”
And, as it turned out, he was right.
elise
I’m Irish. Melancholy is my middle name.
Endings break the heart.
Beginnings loom with dark uncertainty.
I wish you well.
Does he know that you’re falling in love with him?
Ohhh, that made me weepy. I wish YOU well, friend.
I’m not falling in love with him.
:)
And if you believe that, there’s a bridge I want to sell you. :-)
I hate endings not of my own choosing.
i understand what you are talking about here…endings are eventual….but they are rarely fun.
I was once a secondary… we fell in love. Now it’s just the two of us. I couldn’t be happier or more surprised. A different situation, but in life you can’t plan for the twists in th plot. I suppose you already love him, we can love so many at the same time. I think. Good luck and I wish you a clear and relaxed mind.
You are so totally amazing at writing your thoughts down. I hope one day to be as good at it as you are.
Sounds like you have a fabulous relationship.
>> “Never love with all your heart, it only ends in breaking.â€
>> I absolutely reject this thought.
As many of us know, you don’t need to love very hard or with very much of your capacity to be broken, shattered, or (merely?) damaged. I hope you’re getting all you need––or, at the least, want. :)
On the other hand I’m a primary, and sometimes I get jealous of #2, 3, etc. because simply by having my particular place I can’t have what they have.
An ending may come, or it may not, or––what is it, great generals––it may fade away. But sticking to the hot’n'sweaty, sweet’n'salty, hilarious’n'bittersweet here and now is much preferable to contemplating the sun-bleached bones of a relationship before it’s even contracted its final ill. (as lapisruber said)
aag, I get the impression this isn’t poly, but that you are doing this behind his wifes back. If I’m wrong I apologise.
If she doesn’t know, I absolutely, from the bottom of my heart *beg* you to put an end to it. If you knew what it was like from the other side …