I swing between two extremes with the man who currently lives in my house.
Some moments I’d dearly love to drop-kick him directly out of the front door with only the clothes on his back. The rest of the time I worry that once he’s out on his own, he’ll drown during the first good rainstorm when he peers up into the sky in wonder at where all those big wet drops are coming from.
A concrete example, you say? You’d like a concrete example of how anyone could swing between two such disparate thoughts? Let me see what I can do for you.
Ah, yes.
The stb-ex and I have separate vehicles, but I’d held primary responsibility for the maintenance on both. I’d been trying to offload some of this responsibility to him, as he will have to manage his own maintenance when he’s on his own.
To that end, I’d been reminding him for the past three months that his oil had not been changed since the single-digit days of January. Three months I’d been telling him, and yet his car had not yet been serviced.
So during some “free time” I had over the weekend, I took his car in. As I was leaving to run the errand, he complained about how much “free time” I’d taken so far that day.
Bear in mind that the majority of my “free time” was spent mowing the lawn, shopping for groceries, running errands and doing laundry. When he confronted me with his complaint about the amount of “free time” I’d taken, I practiced my very best yoga breathing so as not to have the top of my head erupt like an angry volcano.
I probably should let the man face the natural consequences of his actions; ie, that the car would be damaged because of his neglect. But I worry about the expense. And I know that I would be the one who would likely bear the brunt of patching things up if his car did break down.
I look at this man in extreme frustration as he purchases yet another rock poster to hang on the walls of his new place or another appliance I know he’ll never use (while I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to pay for things like milk and health insurance) and I wish that I could simply love him without needing anything at all from him.
He has nothing to give to me. He can’t even effectively take care of himself.
Some day I hope he can take better care of himself. Until then, I’ll work on managing my emotions, so that maybe eventually they can settle down somewhere more healthy; some happy medium between wanting to scream at him and wanting to protect him.
I still wonder how my ex can get up in the morning. But then again, he left me for someone else. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Carrie
well, eventually it’ll be a non-issue, or at least not as much of an issue. if he wants to crash and burn, it’s past the time when he can reasonably expect for your hand to shoot out and grab him before he falls.
Some people will always be clueless, but those who aren’t survive. :)
why not explode? I mean, at this point, what difference does it make if he doesn’t respond favorably to it? letting off steam will probably at least make you feel better. Maybe this is just a sign I come from a long line of yellers, but unless there is something to be gained by keeping calm, i’d rather have it out and not hide it.
aw geeze babe that’s no fun
i have no useful advice here beyond wondering when he actually moves…
He’s not your husband. He’s your child.
This man seriously needs to grow up.
Jesus fucking Christ!
*being aghast*
Maybe you can put him in some kind of home
*mouth-gaping astonishment*
The man you are describing is a developmental child who doesn’t understand that he doesn’t make the rules for the world.
The fuck?
This Individual by your own description is an oxygen thief… IMHO….Is this an intense Ying / Yang thing? he being the black hole side of it….
in all due respect.
I feel very very sorry for you.
My ex is feckless as well. Funny, though, that without me he manages to keep it together.
All I will suggest is that you stop mothering him not because of him, but because you need to get out of the habit. Most other males are adults and will look at you cross-eyed if you offer to service their car.
Well, the ass-fuckers will, at least. And aren’t they the ones we’re concerned with?
Hard to comment on a post like this actually. Does this guy have a job at all? The way you describe him, it’s a wonder he can even put his pants on in the morning. If he’s this challenged, how is he able to earn any income?
The comment about a man who is a developmental child and so doesn’t understand that he doesn’t make the rules for the world…. Sigh, I know him well, he just infringed on my world this week. Everything about the divorce went so well – because I handled it. Now that we are in contact only about the house – he once again crashed and burned. 30 days and that link will be severed. It makes me sad, and very worried for him. But his choices are his. We cannot protect them from themselves.
Good Friday morning AAG,
Everyone else has already said it very well…
This is where women get the accusation of being called a “nag” – because they know that if they don’t keep on nagging, nothing ever gets done around the house!! But if you explode in anger, then you’re over-reacting. Its a no-win situation. You must be a saint to keep your temper. I bet you can’t wait til you get your freedom.
The car will be fine without an oil change for 10000 miles. He sounds like hes doing fine, why nag or talk to him at all
Unfortunately, I recognize this as a cannot win situation for you. If you take his car, as you did, he accuses you of having too much free time. If you had not taken it in and left it to his own devices, and the engine blew, he would somehow have blamed it on you (that’s his m.o., we can see).
Not soon enough, he’ll be on his own and figuring it out for himself. He’ll survive just fine. Mishaps aplenty, but he won’t die.
And, he may still try to find ways to blame you for those mishaps. But that won’t last long.
Keep a stiff upper lip, AAG. An end is in sight.
Eve
It’s to your eternal credit that you’ve shielded him from his own incompetence for so very long. But before long you can kiss his ineptitude goodbye and let Darwin take over ;o)
One suggestion – instead of either accepting his mad rants or, on the other hand, exploding in frustration, have you tried irony, John Cleese style?
e.g. ‘I see. It’s *your* car, *your* oil, *your* responsibility, *your* fault that it hasn’t been serviced, *your* expense in getting it fixed, and it’s *my* fault? I’m so very, *very* sorry – I really can’t imagine why I didn’t remind you’. And all the while you smile sweetly and then walk away :o)
Are we related? Your STB-Ex must be brothers with my might-be-an-ex. He can’t even remember to take medication that helps him FEEL BETTER.
You’ll be rid of him soon. Not soon enough I imagine. ((hugs))
as someone who is trying to sever ties with their ex, i urge you to be pro-active (i hate that word…) about getting him out of your life.
the total misery your ex will cause by just being around and gumming up the works with their mere presence and the sludge of their existence always sticking to your life like fresh asphalt and tar bits to carpet
he has to take his vehicle into a shop to get the oil changed? I guess I forget the majority of car-owning americans dont do the regular maintinence of this sort on thier vehicles anymore.
Oh ny god- how does he manage to breathe?
I am so glad you’re parting company with him. No real man lets a woman take his car to the garage for him. Next you’ll be telling us you put the bins out for him too.
Er…
Well…
I won’t say it.
AAG,
I think you know the solution to this as well as I do. Simply stop doing things for the rat bastard. He doesn’t deserve it and neither do you. If you stop, he will either learn to fend for himself or fall down a deep dark hole. Either way, it won’t concern you.
I’m climbing down off the saop box now.
Not to be an a-hole here or anything but any decent motor oil can easily go 5k-6k miles without a change. The new fancy synthetics can go more than twice that. The 3-month/3k mile rule should be thrown out the window.
And to god hates raiders fans, first of all great name, second why would I change the oil myself when I can go to wal-mart and get it changed for less than the cost of doing it myself, and shop for groceries at the same time?
Holy run-on sentence batman!
For every dysfunctional person in the world there is an enabler working hard at enabling so the dysfunctionor can continue to avoid responsibility.
Here in the UK the dustmen will sometimes take extra stuff away too if you give them a reasonable tip. Try propping him up next to your dustbin with a twenty dollar note in his breast pocket.
I think Katy has the best idea yet. I’d up it to $50 though. Sounds like it’d be more than worth it.
I’ve tried hard to keep this from being a bitching blog about the stb-ex. The man has some really nice qualities and in ideal circumstances he can be extremely responsible.
There are, however, some issues which seem to render him incapable of the sort of everyday self- and family-care that I’ve over the years expected.
This is my long-winded way of saying that perhaps scorn is not the proper emotion to direct toward the man. Perhaps concern and even pity would be more appropriate.
i get my oil changed so a professional mechanic will look at my car once in a while… and because i don’t have a garage or facilities to do that…
that said, my mechanic says it’s still cheaper in the long run to do it regular like than not unless you drive on the highway
He can’t even effectively take care of himself.
Actually, AAG, when he is forced to, believe it or not, he will be able to remember to take the car in, he *will* magically realize he *can* do his own laundry, and he will grocery shop for himself. But only when he is forced to. And as long as you do what needs doing, no matter if it’s 3 years or 3 months or 3 weeks or 3 minutes from when *you* realize something needs done, as long as you do it, he won’t.
As well, same thing but different terms… You buy the milk and health insurance. He’s got HIS money for rock posters because YOU buy milk and health insurance.
So… why DID you marry him?
I so feel your pain. MY STBX can’t manage to take the dog out so she doesn’t pee on the floor of the house “we” are trying to sell. Are you sure they’re not brothers? And I know how you feel about trying not to lose your cool. Kinda hard, but I’m there with ya!
I feel suitably rebuked.
No rebuke. :)
I look at this man in extreme frustration as he purchases yet another rock poster to hang on the walls of his new place or another appliance I know he’ll never use…
He may consider the poster and the appliance as his rewards because he made it through another week of work. When he gets up in the morning, he wonders how the hell he is going to find the energy to make it through the day, and the only thing that gets him out of bed is the fact that he knows that he has done this before.
I’m not making excuses for him, and I realize that, as with all the comments presented here, I “see” your portrait of the stb-ex through the lens of my own experience. But I think this man is limping through life with a condition that has been poorly treated, probably due to his own lack of will and/or energy.
I hope that he will be “found” by a kind-hearted woman who cannot resist the urge to rescue nestlings with broken wings. She will be a godsend for you, aag.
I know, Kochanie. I wonder if our men are related? :)
You know, I’ve also hoped that he’d be picked up quickly by another woman, but really, he HAD a kind-hearted woman who tried to help. And he didn’t accept the help.
I think sooner or later he’s going to have to take the steps himself.
i understand how your feelings wrestle with one another…but eventually, he will have to fend for himself…and it will be up to him how he succeeds or fails.
AAG,
Late response, but by your doing things for him you become an enabler.
Pete
He will never learn to take care of himself as long he knows someone will be there to do it for him. The only way to teach him independence and self-sustainability is to kick him out on his own. Yes, he will suffer. Yes, he will be destitute for a while while he slowly learns that auto repairs and food are more critical expenditures than electric guitars and beer. But he will NEVER LEARN these things as long as you allow yourself to be his safety net. For your sake AND his you must cut the cord and chuck him out.
PS. “in ideal circumstances he can be extremely responsible.”
proves that he CAN take care of himself, but he WON’T. he’s not incapable, just a lazy sponge. throw him out; he’ll be fine.
You know everyone has been commenting about the man (or the boy) – I’d like to draw the attention back to where it should be – You, my dear. You said you took his car to get an oil change after:
“mowing the lawn, shopping for groceries, running errands and doing laundry” And then you “practiced my very best yoga breathing so as not to have the top of my head erupt like an angry volcano.”
You’re amazing, a dynamo – this is being said by a boy (or a man) who understands, like another commenter said, that maybe he’s really limping as best as he can, staving off immobilizing depression for another day. But that being said, I’ve read your stories and you’ve always turned me on, but never more than now.
There are women who mow the lawn and do the laundry and still have the energy to fuck and then blog about it? Please sign me up, my partner has some of the same qualities as your stb-ex, it’s a shame, but they need to realize that living alone is significantly easier than living with 2, if one doesn’t contribute the effort!
Once again you bring me hope.
Yeah.
I’ve got the energy of five normal people.
:)
Thanks, koyote.