aag

My mum is proof that medication is sometimes necessary for one’s mental well being so I know exactly where you’re comming from when you say you get annoyed with people who believe mental health does not require proper medication. More than annoyed I get very very angry with people that try to persuade me of this, especcially when said people have nothing even resembling a medical degree.

Oh baby do I know those whip flicks! My own experience is similar - I’ll find myself suddenly dissolving in tears over the fact that I am so obviously inadequate in every single area of my life, all the ills of the world are my fault and, when the darkness gets very full, the only thing I can possibly do is go sit in the tub and slit my wrists.

Luckily, with the help of the little white pills, I am able to keep the soul-sucking entity at bay - it under my thumb instead of vice versa. And anyone who tries to tell me that if I would simply walk more or eat fruit can shove it. LOL!

Wow . . . I guess you get used to living with an entity like that, but what an unpleasant experience it must be.

I hope tomorrow is a good day, AAG.

When I started reading, I thought you were writing about me. I just recently acknowledged my “entity” and stopped blaming everyone and everything else for the darkness. I tried all that other stuff, walking, food, more sun, and when they didn’t help, I just felt worse because weren’t they supposed to fix me? So now I take a little white pill every morning, and it finally feels like I’m the one in control, not the entity.

Thanks for writing about this.

Did you read my mind or something? I call the entity “The Black Thing”, from Madeliene Le’Engle’s book; I fight it with every weapon I can find, the love of my family, trying to eat right, excercise, all the general health things-

and, a small pill every morning, without fail.

The small pill is what balances the chemicals enough to even care, so I don’t start collecting *other* pills, or drive off the cliff.

Thanks for sharing this.

I’ll add to the chorus that this could have been written by me if I were actually, you know, a writer. Accurate right down to the stupid virus. For that I highly recommend 1000 mg of l-lysine every day, if you don’t take it already. It’s made a HUGE HUGE difference in the frequency of outbreaks regardless of stressors and other triggers.

Keep writing AAG! I love visiting your blog.

I’m right there with you. I’ve been a lifelong sufferer of depression. I too take my pills, several in fact, and dutifully go to my therapist twice a week. I listen to the unsolicited advice, given meaning no harm, and quell my urge to smack ‘em silly.

IT’S AN ILLNESS YOU MORON, NOT A VITAMIN DEFICIENCY!

I keep things mostly on an even keel, but I have my days too.

But I digress. I won’t offer advice, but I will offer that if you need someone to spill your guts to, you know the email address, just drop me a line.

Beautiful post AAG, beautiful.

I’m a true believer of “better living through chemistry.”

If I didn’t have my white, blue, pink and red pills, I would have succumbed to the siren’s call long ago.

I didn’t know I had so much company as I took my white pill every morning for the past six years.

My doc and I have decided to wean me off to see how I do. I like the idea of not needing the meds, but if things spiral out of control, you’d better believe I’ll be on the ‘phone to my doc.

And to the commenter who noted it’s an illness, not a vitamin deficiency, that’s a great line, and I must remember it.

One of my favorite pieces of rock’n'roll veritas:

“YOU don’t know how it feels, to be ME”

Do what it takes, babe. You’re worth the trouble. Trust me on that :o)

my wife needs her daily pill. she’s tried to go without it and she spirals into the depths of depression. While there are people out there who only occasionally suffer from downswings and they can and do manage without meds, people who think that true depression doesn’t need meds are those who have never been truly depressed or do not know someone who is - and are therefore asses who don’t know what they’re talking about.

don’t worry about them, you do what you need to do to take care of yourself. you don’t have to justify your actions to anyone but yourself.

“. . . and I know a man, he came from my hometown
He wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown
He said Dolores, I live in fear
My love for yous so overpowering, I’m afraid that I will disappear

. . .

I know a woman, became a wife
These are the very words she uses to describe her life
She said a good day ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day is when I lie in the bed
And I think of things that might have been”

yes, you are not alone. thank you for your beautiful writing.

I’m a fan of pills too. Some problems don’t go away with change of diet, nature, mediation or anything else and it’s bullshit to think positive thoughts. I’m on a headache preventative and that changed my life.

Take care sweetie. I hope there are always more good days.

i too have a dark whip that gets me on a daily basis….some days are “Good” and some are “Not Good”. so, i totally understand. i have the necessary meds to try to even it all out….which works to a point. it is not an exact science, but luckily one that is improving. no matter how you take care of yourself….brain chemistry cannot be fixed without the help of “the pills”. without them, my dark whip gets the best of me….and “cranky” is probably putting it nicely for me.

Thank you. I have been on little white pill for years. Recently lost my family doctor so have to go to walk in clinic, sometimes waiting 2-3 hours, and see the doctor on call. He asked what can He do for me today, and I said just need a refill of my antidepressant. Hold on He says, I’m not a drug pusher, you know. Recommended some self help books. Yes, assholes to left of us, assholes to the right.

Been on and off of ‘em for years. You know, good days, bad days, good years, bad years.

The thing I’ve found the most interesting about this latest round of meds is how HORNY they make me. It’s crazy! I was taking them for a while, then the shrink-i-dink upped the dose ‘coz I still couldn’t get out of bed and BOOM, “fuck me” was my new favorite phrase!

My therapist and I tried to determine if it was the meds or just a coincidence. Um….there are no coincidences, right? She also said, “Who cares why? Go for it!” (I have the coolest therapist!) She’s the one who helps me realize that self-help books, long walks, exercise, etc. won’t do the trick for me when I’m that far down. (Who the hell can get to the gym at that point anyway?) People are judgemental by nature. I actually think it’s projection and they have their own huge issues when they make, as you say AAG, uneducated comments.

Anyway, now I not only get out of bed in the morning, I get back in it when the opportunity arises.

I may never stop taking this.

Seriously -

;)

Eve

Amen. Preaching to the choir, sister.

The little pills have been a saving grace on and off throughout the last 10 years for me.

My current savior is Cymbalta.

What kind of mind would think to combine a pain med with an antidepressant?

A genius, that’s who!

Hey AAG :)

I’m having a Not Good day myself. Of course it’s being helped along by having 2 broken cars and a ding in the rental car that I get to pay for (no one reminded me of the deductible on MY car insurance)
but I digress…
I’ve had Not Good, Good, WONDERFUL, OMG I’m Just Going to Lay Down and Die, and Eh, so what days since I was a small child. The pills helped sometimes. Sometimes not. I think it has something to do with the inherited bi-polarity that hasn’t been diagnosed yet. I need pills but due to an unfortunate problem with insurance I’ve not got any. Wish I did. Anybody wanna share?
Just kidding.

At any rate, I came here to help drag myself back to sanity. It worked. While I’m still ready to hit the floor sobbing at the drop of a hat, I owe you thanks. You have this tendency to make me smile or nod “I know exactly what she’s talking about!”

I’m smiling again. Thank you :)

Progesterone — and now estrogen — have kept me sane when Iwas far far far over the edge. Sometimes pills are necessary. Brain chemistry and hormones can be out of balance. Being in balance is a far more desirable alternative.

I just recently stopped thinking of my self as ‘weak’ for taking my own pills. Though mine are half blue half white and have little tiny beads of chemical goodness that allows my brain to function so that I don’t cry over the laundry.

I loved this post. Thank you…

So better living through chemistry. I wholeheartedly approve. I practice self-medication myself. :)

Hi,

That nose thing could be something called Trigeminal Neuralgia. Check it out with a Neurologist.

Had something similar for the last 10 years an operation cured me of pill taking and unbelievable pain.
But then again it could be something different.

Cheers Fred

I was on and off medication and in therapy for five years. Now I’ve been happily off medication and without relapse for a good six years. The beast can be beaten, so never give up hope. Just remember that while medication can treat the symptoms, only hard work and therapy can kill the disease.

Beautifully expressed, this piece. Thanks.

A white pill in the morning and a brown capsule in the evening makes George a happy boy.

In the past 8 months I have only had one Not Good day but it was a beast. When I have had the not good days my first thought is always that to be like this is too much to bear so I may as well … put my plan into action.

Be well aag … there are a lot of people here who understand you.

FUCK TOM CRUISE!
excuse the language and please, please don’t take that literaly if ever given the opportunity.
Drugs have there place, perscribed or not and the folks who can live a better life through what has been labeled “antidepressents” should partake accordingly. None of us are exempt from the whip, and life is about nothing if not the struggle to come to terms with it. That negotiation takes many forms depending on the severity ot the lashes and our own personal make up. Logic, Vodka, Religion (including Sciencetology), psycotopics, valuium, prozac etc etc…are all reasonable and valid solutions depending on the individual.

I guess what I am trying to say is you are the oposite of alone; in fact this is a universal human condition. It is unfortunate that so many of us deny or ignore it and beautiful that you have so elegantly expressed it. I wish you happiness and luck in you own navigation of it.

long time reader, first time commenter.

AAG YOU ROCK, thanks for the entertainment and enlightenment. keep on keepin on!

Yes, thank you.

Better living through chemistry is my motto. I will never not take my meds. The feeling of dispair is soul shattering. You know smoking can be controlled, chemical embalance, no.

I suffer from acute chronic depression, and I have to take 8 pills every day or I will spiral into suicidal depression. My doctor believes I may be on meds the rest of my life. That’s why I live in fear of losing my insurance.

BTW—diet and exercise DO help. They can’t do the job alone but they make the meds more effective. So don’t be afraid to eat fruit salad and go for a nice long walk in addition to taking your pills.

Hi AAG -

Love your blog. I’ve been reading for a month or so and my god, you write well.

Anyway, I wrote this back in 2005, for a friend who was going through depression and didn’t want to be medicated…thought I’d share:

Lots of people in this world (many of my friends among them) have more or less wonky brain chemistry, making it difficult for them to deal with Real Life to greater or lesser degrees. This does not mean they are crazy, and it does not mean they are bad people - indeed they’re some of the most interesting people I know. Many of them intentionally alter their own neurochemicals on a day-to-day basis, with help from medical professionals trained in that sort of thing, in order to make Real Life easier to deal with, to make things understandable instead of overwhelming, achievable instead of insurmountable, turning unbearable aggravation (or fear) into minor annoyance. These alterations are not necessarily drastic. Some do have side effects, but in our modern day of pharmaceutical bounty, it is more than possible that with competent medical advice, one could find the right, mild medication that 1. won’t have crushing side effects and 2. will take the edge off of things just enough so that, gradually, life becomes more live-able. Emotions not vanished or completely changed, but muted just a bit, so that they can be more clearly explained to loved ones who need to understand them (and so that we can see their point of view, as well).

I’m against the idea of, as an old comic said once, “If someone YOU love can’t sleep - drug ‘em!” but I don’t think there’s automatically anything wrong with a little dopamine regulation, either.

When someone is stuck on a behaviour, like smoking for instance, that is bad for them - and part of the trouble they have in stopping that behaviour is biochemical (nicotine addiction) - it is perfectly acceptable for those people, when they wish to rid themselves of the destructive habit, to use some medical assistance. Why should brain-chemistry-induced emotional difficulty be any different, or any more shameful?

As if you could possibly become any cooler in my estimation, you quote a kickass song by one of rock’s best bands of the last 20 years. Makes your usual insight even that much better. :)

i happen to be one of the lucky ones, my cure really IS diet and exercise whereas i have allergic and nasty reactions to the drugs.

but man, if i don’t force myself into the sun and force myself to eat well and force myself OUT of the house when i LEAST want to leave it?

i’m fucked.

i didn’t leave my bed for 31 days straight once… and that was a relatively mild dose.

re the other virus? i have it down below and does it ever suck when i have to pee and it’s flared.

that said? without drugs my mother is in a home for life… so yeah, i get it

I actually have had people tell me that if I would just get right with God (their God of course) my depression would go away. I then explained in the nicest, venom dripping way that I could that I honestly didn’t believe that going to church would increase my serritonin levels.

I have suffered from depression all of my life, and have only been treating it for the past 10 yrs or so. The first 30 weren’t all that much fun.

To all of the people out there who believe that we should “just get over it”, I have only one honest answer. Until you have walked a mile in my mind, shut the fuck up.

Thanks
Top

Medicine is an incredible help - I’ve needed assistance for the last decade or so, and it’s kept me (relatively) sane and functioning.

You are very not alone in this.

xx Dee

Better living through pharmacotherapy. Right on, Sisterfriend. I went into a terrible spiral 8 years ago when I weaned myself off the meds, thinking I could do this on my own. Now I trust that my once-a-day little yellow pill is a way of life. I wanna know what meds Eve takes. Or does she want more sex (like I do) because we’re do friggin’ happy? Either way, works for me. Beautiful post, AAG. And you are not, and never will be, alone!

Dear AAG,
I have nothing to offer on the topic of depression besides my sympathy; but here’s a discovery I made that will control the virus: Between the first and second joint (counting from the nail) on your ring finger there’s a sensitive spot on the pinky side towards the underside of the finger. This point will be on the hand in the same side of your body that the outbreaks come. Slowly but very firmly massage this point in the direction of your hand. The first joint of the opposite index will provide the right amount of insistent pressure. This will make you feel the infected facial nerve and actually tell you, how close you are to an outbreak (the closer to the ear the sensation is felt the less risk). Massaging towards the nail will provoke an outbreak! Massaging towards the hand will avoid or even cure an outbreak within a few hours. If done once or twice a week for less than a minute you’ll have the virus in check.
I have no idea, why this works. I’m not a mystic and shiatsu has not been in my curriculum. My own coldsore has been completely under control since I discovered this. The first signs of an impending outbreak (numbness, itch) simply disappear.
How I do wish this will help you too.

Body and mind overlap in an unpredictable way. Clearly, some things are one and not the other, but so many things are grey.

If people feel they need help in dealing with depression, anxiety, or other conditions, they probably do. I’ve been there.

But our medicine is pretty limited. I had a host of conditions, including anxiety, depression, and bowel related. Doc said “serotonin problem” - take some prozac. I said no thanks.

For unrelated reasons, I went low carb a while ago. All my symptoms cleared in a few days. Did some digging - inability to metabolize some carbs lowers the absorption of tryptophan (which lowers serotonin), increases lactic acid in the blood (and anxiety), and causes bowel problems - (think lactose intolerance).

There are a thousand and one ways for the body’s chemistry to get mucked up. I’m not saying carb intolerance is The Cause of depression or anxiety. But for me it was.

Taking a pill to stop the anxiety or depression can save someone’s life, no doubt. But too often, it doesn’t deal with the underlying causes - physical or emotional, which are not of interest once the symptoms are supressed.

for viruses - if its from the herpes family, try ginger … slowly chew a small piece of fresh root, twice a day. Hot and good.