aag

I can kinda understand your friend’s postion. Even if you assured me that you wanted it all rough and nasty with the name calling and the hair pulling and marching bands and what not, I’d most likely be all hearts and flowers for a while.

But we men have a short term memory for bad things, but remember hot nasty sex forever. I’m sure he’ll come around and be back in your ass in no time.

In a word, no. I can’t imagine not messy sex or not messy relationships. I don’t think either exists.

I think if he was not upset you should be more worried. Plus, he seems like a smart guy. He will deal. It just takes time.

i love messy sex.

the messier the better.

Life is messy. Sex is part of life. Ergo, sex is messy.

In time he will understand that you find his rough treatment erotic despite what happened to you in the past, and that should clean up most of this particular mess.

I have been abused, I have told my story a million times…to those of us who have lived it, and then can tell it, it does become matter of fact…

Those who have not lived it…first have to deal with their sense of injustice, and their feelings of disgust toward the abuser, they also have no concept of how one can get past it…I used to teach child abuse prevention classes to school age children, the children “get it” so much easier. It is harder for adults to deal with, much harder, than it is for children.

I also believe your previous commenter’s are correct, he will get past it eventually, especially when he realizes that you are.

And, I find it very surprising that he knows no one who has been abused…the numbers are just too great!

Not for me.

Sunny delight, I was thinking the same thing. He knows tons of people who were abused. Only one person told him.

My abuse is so melodramatic: father dearest tried to kill me on a couple of occasions. Like you, AAG, I’ve had the therapy, I’ve told the story, I *know* he’s sorry in a way he didn’t know how to be ten years ago. I’m over it. When I have a reason to mention it now, I usually preface it with so many disclaimers and then roll my eyes and laugh when someone tries to apologize. Flippant has always worked for me.

If I were in your situation, I’d probably let him be gentle a time or two, let him work out his nurturing side. Then just attack him one night with the “daddy” and the role playing or whatever, take him by surprise before he can light the candles and play the Marvin Gaye.

No, sex wouldn’t be as good if not for the mess. I can see where he’s coming from. He cares and doesn’t want to upset you. Just show him you like it a little rough by being a little rough with him.

Abuse is a weird thing to deal with, no matter which side you’re approaching it from. You’ve had time to get used to it. He has not. Give him time.

Because you feel affection for him you wanted to tell him more about yourself. Because he feels affection for you, he is concerned about it. It means your relationship has shifted to another level, a deeper emotional one.

In a good relationship, emotions come into play just as much as physical things do… So, yeah, it can be ‘messy’ from that standpoint…
I always think disclosure is the best, but that is just my way of being honest. I want my love to know me, and me to know him and us to be connected.
But then I’m a romantic monogomous mush-head who doesn’t have one-tenth the fun you do because I’m so serious… And my abuse was emotional, not physical…

I think he obviously cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you like you were hurt when you were young….

I always have to think about whether to tell or not. In my experience, women’s reactions are far better than men’s. Im not sure that I will tell a male I am close to ever again.

But I also think disclosure and honesty are best. And women aleady know this story so well; generation after generation inflicted with this stigma and recovered to varying degrees. Its the men who most need to listen.

Yours is the only place today where I actually put some thought into a comment. And you delete it?

Why do I even try?

;-)

I have never found it easy to tell some one who cares about me the history that changes everything - I wasn’t abused by my father but by my uncle. And despite the fact we don’t want it to change how they react to us as women - it does.

And when we learn to survive and grow emotionally and eventually, as you say, tell it in a dispassionate manner, those who have never been through it or seen it have a harder time.

But the fact he feels the need to be tender and caring is a GOOD sign - that he is one of the good ones that respects the boundaries that others don’t.

take care.

it did take me a little while to get over the guilt i felt for the insane number of handprints, bruises, etc I had inflicted on the then girlfriend (now wifey) that she had asked/demanded during our lovemaking before she related her tale.

now tho when I can tell she’s wanting it rough a paticular night I have no more hesitations.

it may be a little arrogant of me (hope that’s the right word to use) but I like to think of myself as one of the more intelligent of the male gender (based strictly on my own personal observations of the behavior of the majority of my fellow neanderthals this could be way off) so just give him a little time and encourage him to ask questions…that helped for me to know that she was comfortable answering anything I needed to know.

You tell him you’ve been abused (you don’t say how, so imaginations run away a bit) and then you call him Daddy?

I mean, wtf?

I’d be collecting my hat on the way out.

Easyrider don’t you deny my name

While I find the mess from masturbation annoying, I luv the mess from sex with a partner. haven’t figured out why I find the first mess distasteful, though. I’d masturbate more, if it didn’t seem like so much trouble.

When a dear friend told me about her sexual abuse, I was overprotective of her for a while. It makes sense your friend would feel similarly and that those feelings would affect how he sexually approaches you. It means he cares about you, and that is a good thing.

I’m not surprised he was horrified, either. It was a horrible thing for your father to do to you. I’d be worried, if your friend was *not* horrified.

i find the messier the better in terms of sex….but, i do agree with cherrie’s take.

life is messy….sex is part of life….ergo, sex is messy.

i am sure your friend was just taken aback by what you told him…he just needs to accept it and things will be back how they were. it just shows he cares for you deeply.

The more we tell our stories, the more matter-of-fact the abuse becomes, and that, in itself, freaks some people out. I have been there where the other person reacts trepidatiously, and that’s ok… for a while. Men do have short-term memories, and he will be back for the mess. (He sounds as if he’s already back, and I’m just late with my comment.) You continue to inspire!