Jun 272007
Not long ago I wrote about the bad grammar I’d come across while perusing dating sites. Remember?
Clearly that post provoked the Gods of Horrible Grammar, for ever since then, I have been deluged with even more grammatical wackiness than ever before.
And my friend shared some of her favorite little treasures with me too. *Hi friend!*
Please note that I have in no way embellished the perfect splendor of these messages. I have but removed names, phone numbers, and pictures of penises. Really, there’s nothing I could have done to make these any more astounding.
Are you ready? Take a deep breath and jump in:
- Bluntly I like to have sex with you when possible ok? I will drive their because I have dauter living their. I like to eat your pussy, have you suck my shaved cock, like to lick your ass good, fuck your ass and fuck you in many positions.Thank you. (It’s always good to be blunt about what you want to do to someone with your shaved cock.)
- Would love to get to know you more now. So can we try and chat more now. I’m here looking for you too so how can I find you on (site name) or off it. Please help me find you please. Plus can I get your # now and call you to talk more. Let me know please. (I believe this is called the pre-stalking phase.)
- Unleshed best seeks female lion tammer (I hope that he wrote this when drunk. Can you decipher it?)
- I’m 52 be 51 this year in December. (Time’s arrow is his plaything.)
- Devorced for 17 years and CARRY NO BAGGAGE FROM THAT. (Nothing says “no baggage” like ALL CAPS, BABY!)
- I am into some swinger group.if you like to contact me and we can do this as friends togerther i will like that.give me away to contact you.also i do travel,i have alots of time on my hands for that right woman and i do have a lady friend that also swing with me ,yes we are looking. (I’m really confused by this one. Let’s just leave it at that.)
- Im horny yes quit often yes, but I wouldn’t screw a snake if you held it straight. (Good to know. Really, really good to know.)
- I own about 75% of every book written by Steven King. (Really now. What did you do with the other 25%? Oh god. You didn’t use those pages for … um … hygienic purposes, did you?)
I feel so much better having been able to share these rare gems with you. Thank you for taking them from my brain.
*laughing VERY hard without BAGGAGE!*
damn AAG what would i do without you? you make me cry, laugh my ass off oh and make me wet.
the only thing i could say about those “gems”… (i am half asian so i can say this) they sounded like an asian guy that just got into the country with his broken engrish (yeah i spelled it like that on purpose)
all i can say is…..WOW!
one final question, so you are not into taming an unleashed beast? *wink*
one final thought, honestly their dicks were typing those words to you. so for an appendage i would say that is pretty fucking good. *smile*
wuld u leke to make sex with army guy who shoot his gun very well please?
fuck me that was hard to type. I actually had to think about how to make it incoherent (yeah I think I speeled that wrong) but its been a long night and my ears are still ringing
Hi AAG,
Ahh, the depths of the sea of ignorance are so deep!
XOXO
Chuck
The snake guy sounds like he is in denial about a previous snake lovin’ experience. We should all support him in his kink – or not.
I wonder if he was thinking tail end first or … shudder…
I feel the need to comment on each of these separately, as some are worse than others. So…..
#1…At least this guy knows what he wants. However, his balls will fail him when he gets there if they’re operating on the same wavelength as their master’s brain.
#2…I wouldn’t want to be on the same continent with this guy. For some reason Steve Buscemi’s character in Billy Madison comes to mind.
#3…Definitely drunk. Would have been funnier if he switched that last ‘t’ to an ‘h’.
#4…I think this guy was just in a hurry. Or he knows something the rest of us wish we knew.
#5…I have a feeling his therapist(s) would beg to differ.
#6…This guy’s poor brain is scrambled. I believe he is trying to say “My lady friend and I are looking for the right woman to bring to our swingers group events with us.” If not, I too am confused.
#7…Fucking hilarious. That’s one way to say “I wouldn’t fuck just anything” that I haven’t heard yet.
#8…I bet if this guy reread this, he would either laugh his own ass off or slap himself upside the head.
Thanks for sharing AAG
Can I share a couple with you that i received only this morning and was going to post about, but now don’t think i’ll bother?
(Try and stop me.)
#1 “Im a man i heave big cock.Looking for wooman.I like cum in Face”
I mean, who could resist, right?
#2 “Kind, handsome, intelligent Search for spicing it up with a woman who has hugh breast (can be fat) Seeking to pleasure you.”
I have hugh breasts. That’s why they say I’m divine. Ahem. And i *can* be fat? Why gee. Thayank yew.
Now kiss my shiny heinie.
I can just imagine how well you would tam the bests.
I would say they are unbelievable, but unfortunately they are not. thanks for a good laugh this morning.
E
You made my morning by sharing those gems!
Joe
I want to know what he would do with a curled up snake.
I now I have thought about that I wish I hadn’t.
I can’t stop laughing, these are priceless.
yure blogg maks me laf outlowd and gets me hard two and maks me thnk alzo tank u
Hey, at least the first guy was polite and said “Thank you”. Gotta give him props for that.
Normally I would say I weep for our future, but these guys are probably not our future. And definitely not yours. Now of course I’m stuck trying to figure out why straightening the snake out would make a difference.
“I own about 75% of every book written by Steven King”
I’m as scared by the relevance as by the grammar.
Was it in response to “how many ways to kill me do you know of?”
It strikes me that Tonto from the Lone Ranger must have had lots of children and they’re all sex shoppers.
Let’s make heap big sex Masked Man.
We can only hope that these guys are using birth control, eh?
Makes you wonder who’s giving these guys pussy. I want to find those women and do an intervention.
Thank God I wasn’t drinking coffee while reading those.
My impression is that no one is giving them pussy and they have become stupid because of it. At least I hope that’s the reason.
Hmmm…. I agree with Gracie for at least 1, 2, and 5. Definitely sounds like they’re not native speakers (and not practiced foreign ones at that). The rest… I really don’t know what to say. Drunk and/or ignorant.
What I wonder about is this: What kind of women are they getting with ads like these? What kind of “power couple” would that form? And if off-spring were to be produced, oh God!
I wrote #8…
Wat I was trying too say metaforikly…
“I am vere lituret n vere intelijent n i rede thees books to grow my nowlege of sex tekneeks and romanse. I cud list all the books in my liberare but dont want to bored u. Wen u wud be with me u wud have sweat romanse too warm ur hart n open ur d’zires.. than u wud open ur legs give urself and me the best sex evur all day long. u kan ezly see i am thee 1 fer u.. now give it!! (2 manee wurds.. tim fer akshun babee!!)”
I think, it has been a REALLY long time since I have actually laughed out loud at something I read. My *cough* friend has an ‘ad’ on alt dot com and the crazy things you find there could entertain you for a few years.
Love the comments today too, this is hilarious.
LOL . . . you poor, poor woman.
XO
First Thought. I wonder, really, and this is not just THAT perspective. Would the messages from women be any better? I’m very curious.
Second Thought. Were they all typing with one hand. eeeeeeeeeeewwww.
These were a stitch! Thank you, you brightened my day.
OK, I gotta fess up. The quip about “time’s arrow” quite literally…
Literally meaning “it really fucking happened”.
Made me laugh out loud.
Good Wednesday morning AAG,
Sometimes I am glad that I’m not actively trying to date.
Stuff like this would be way too discouraging.
Shudder…
HAHAHAHA OMG these were great! Thanks for sharing.
You wade through the oddballs and occasionally find yourself someone amazing.
:)
Some people should never be allowed near a keyboard.
I just snorted coffee through my nose.
heh
Love ya babe,
Her
Oh these were just too funny to read. I love those inadvertent misuses of words, and the rambling sentences are great.
And in case no one pointed it out, it’s StePHen King and most people who have read him know that.
Hi AAG,
I’ve been reading your site for at least a year .. I’ve missed the past few moths and am playing catch up while work is slow … Now, I know you’re the go-to-girl when it comes to all things sexy .. so, here’s my question .. a friend of mine wrote a wonderful story in tribute to our relationship and he wants to put it online .. can you suggest a site for amateur writers??
Thanks :)
This is almost as bad as those women who cyber so clinically that you end up trying to keep your erection while reading things like:
“I’d run my tongue gently beneath the glans of your penis, sucking with oscillating pressure and stroking my engorged clitoris at the same time.”
WTF?
Oh, and you’ve been tagged, AAG :) Hope you feel like responding!
AAG,
ATLLG asked if the replies/comments from women would be any better. Usually, yes; at least, they’re not as single-minded. Or perhaps they’re just not single-minded about the same thing as the guys. Here’s my favorite from our local CL:
‘I need a hot male who will piss my parents off – 18′
You wade through the oddballs and occasionally find yourself someone amazing.
Without internet dating oddballs my life would be barren and empty. Sometimes I think I’d internet-date even if I knew for a fact that there was no one amazing to be found. Just for the oddballs.
I own about 75% of every book written by Steven King.
He must be very frustrated never knowing how any Stephen King book ends if he only owns 75% of every book. I wonder who owns the other 25%.
This may be, without a doubt, one of my favorite things you write about.
If I were you, I would run away screaming. But then, typos in the newspaper make me crazy…
Thanks for sharing ;)
Too much typing in those responses.
I use “Strong like bull, smart like bus …
Now we fuk!”
AAGuy
i am literally laughing my ass off….i have no idea what to even say to those….WOW.
How DID you manage to keep yourself from disrobing and immediately thrusting yourself upon each and every one of these charmers? There’s nothing like horrible spelling/grammar/disturbing use of the “English” language to get ME all hot, I’ll tell you…
*giggle*
P.S. I am sharing some of my own misfortune for HNT this week…although, it isn’t anywhere near as obscene as this stuff! ;o)
Reading your post and then the responses of your readers made me laugh so hard I had tears.
Very funny.
Thank-you
P.S. I wish i was funnier this morning to make a contribution to the above collection of hilarity. But I’m not…
This is hilarious! I hope, though, that you soon get the perfect response from the perfect person.
I received a spam email the other day with “treat this as almost urgent” in the subject line – a bit like being “almost pregnant”, I suppose!
Well, I can see why these guys might not be getting any. Those were great. Thanks for sharing. :-)
Time’s arrow is his plaything.
LOL, I am soooo stealing that line and making it my own!