My divorced male friend and sometimes-lover asked me the other day how I was doing.
I hedged an answer, not really letting on how extremely trying things have been at times.
He saw through the subterfuge and pressed for more information. He’s good like that.
Still I hesitated. I hate to seem needy. I especially hate to seem needy to anyone who might interpret my need as a request for something.
One of my greatest fears in leaving this marriage is that I’ll end up raising these children alone, completely (or effectively) alone for the next 17-plus years. I fear that they’ll not ever have a decent man as a role model. I worry about this equally for my daughters and my son. They all need to see strength and capability in a man, not just in me. Don’t they?
I fear the never-ending soul-crushing grind of daily living; the continuous round of dishes, laundry and picking up crap, day after day, night after night, with few breaks. I’m scared I’ll wear out before they all leave my house.
I fear that I’ll not be able to give the children any extras in life. Trips, even modest road trips? Dinners out? Small college funds? Braces? Lessons? These things may have to be sacrificed up to the gods of divorce.
How can I voice these fears to a friend and sometimes-lover without the additional fear that he’ll think I’m asking for these things from him? I’m not on the hunt for a baby-daddy and I don’t ever want it to look that way.
So if you are a man, if you are a lover, and if you are kind enough to ask me how I’m doing, it’s likely you’ll get a pretty vague answer from me. If you want to know more, you’ll have to dig.
Just trying not to be too needy. As I write this, it occurs to me that I’m probably being more needy in an effort to be less needy.
Maybe this isn’t such a good plan after all.
AAG,
When you’ve met the man who can give you and your babies that strength, and care for you *all* in the way that you deserve to be cared for, (NOT the same as “taking care of”, please note), then you’ll be able to have the discussion about not wanting to appear needy. With him. Honestly and openly and lovingly, and if he’s half the man you do indeed deserve, he’ll understand the fears and the hopes, and you’ll work it out. Together.
Hugs for you, you stick to your plans.
E was raised by a single mother with his dad there at random key moments in his life.
to be honest AAG, he is the best man a woman can have because he was raised by a loving and caring mother. she still is a wonderful woman.
you are a wonderful woman and you are smart to handle all those little obstacles in your life and upbringing of your children.
just love them and watch them grow.
love yourself and you will be free.
you are doing the right thing.
I’ve become very close with a woman in similar circumstances — her divorce was final just over a year ago, and she’s still struggling to find a job, support herself, put the pieces of her life back together, and so forth.
She hides her desperation from most people, but not so much with me — she knows I’m someone she can trust, and I know she needs that someone.
I think the people that are closest to you will understand. And you’ll know when the time is right to open yourself up to them.
Amen sister, you are preaching to the choir! Who wants to need someone? that comes with all kinds of strings attached. People ultimately fail you. Its easier and better to just do it myself, rather than have to god forbid rely on someone else, cause in the end I will have to do it myself and it will just make more work anyways. And I sure as hell don’t want anyone helping me out of guilt, and don’t need no man on a white horse riding in to save the day tyvm.
These are all things I told myself for the past 12 years being a single mom, since ex ass left. Now for the first time in my life, there is someone in it who truly cares about me. But it wasn’t until he had a meltdown about feeling useless and basically emasculated by me, that I got it. That by letting him in, letting him help, I was strengthening our relationship- not being some whiny needy bitch trying to get something. That by feeding into my fears and letting them run me, I was ruining our relationship and in the end being far more needy and broken. oh, and he too has that special gift of calling me on my shit and seeing right thru my vagueness. Just my 2 cents. Love your blog. thank you for your honesty. it helps more than you can know. :)
Try not to worry about appearing ‘needy’ – just be matter-of-fact about the challenges you face. The ‘right’ future partner will understand the deeper context and will react accordingly.
I remain convinced that your children will be miles better off with a capable and determined single mother who loves them dearly rather than one who is constantly undermined by a desperately needy and unsupportive husband.
But I’m sure you know this already :o)
Yeah! What they all said!
I had many of your same fears 16 years ago when I left my son’s father.
You can do this; tell the committee meetings to STFU! The only other option is not really an option when you think about your sanity and what you would be teaching your children in the process of staying in the situation. Take care of you! And hang on tight!!
Hi AAG,
Hey, what SL said!
And stop that damn Pre-Processing loop about what others are gonna think about you if you say something. Your situation is your situation– better to be with someone who can handle it confidently than someone with situation that is easier that they can’t handle.
And those babies grow up. And if you start them early, they start taking care of themselves PDQ. I’m amazed at what my 9 and 7-year-old can do.
Love,
Chuck
What’s wrong with needing? We all need help, need love, need acceptance. I’m only just learning to ask for help instead of trying to do it all myself. It’s okay to need help.
A man could do a lot fucking worse than help raise those children and spend the rest of his life with you.
*big, tight, spine-popping hugs*
Gadfly,
Are you volunteering?
:)
What the others said- with one note, personally, if I were given a choice about who to raise me, a strong woman every time!
AAG,
Fear not, you will do okay whether or not you end up with a new partner. You have the inner strength to deal with the up coming situations in life. Life is not easy, but as one who met my wife when she was separated and ended up raising her son as well as my own children, I willing to bet that there is a man for you out there too. Your writing shows a person who needs and wants a partner to share her life with. The partner you choose will have the characteristics you desire, because you are now to savvy to mess up now.
Pete
lol
I’m afraid I would be blocking the good man who would have come along later to take the job ;-)
I’m bad >:Þ
*kisses and ass grab*
Welcome to live beig single. It sucks, and at almost 50 I don’t care who thinks I’m bitter about it.
It has moments of pleasure, yes, but for the most part being self-sufficient is less than a total joy.
And isn’t it disgusting that you (or I) can’t admit we would like help/love/a partner to have give and take with the chores of life with — without being stigmatized as NEEDY ?
My empathy –
i relate so much to this. i waste so much time worrying about being needy.
There’s the old line “I’m fine, but if I wasn’t no one would listen anyway.” Mostly we don’t want to know, men or women. Women are more empathetic than men, but I suspect some of that is just vicarious– why is the Lifetime network about nothing but women being followed/hounded/raped/killed by psycho men?
But burying your pain too deeply isn’t the answer, since sometimes we want to be able to extend a hand and say “I hear ya.” Prying it out can make the empathy part strained.
John Bridger: How are you?
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I’m fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what “fine” stands for, don’t you?
Charlie Croker: Unfortnately, yeah.
John Bridger: Freaked out…
Charlie Croker: Insecure…
John Bridger: Neurotic…
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.
John Bridger: You see those pillars over there?
Charlie Croker: [looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them?
John Bridger: That’s where they used to string up thieves who felt fine.
Charlie Croker: After you.
*my favorite quote on being “fine”*
For the love of FUCK, AAG!
Could your blog take any longer to load?
OK so I am inthe same situation as yours and you all know how bitter and cynical I am.
I always give vague answers to men because I always feel that they are just being kind and don’t REALLY want to know how I am doing.
I know that’s shitty of me but who ever said I was a nice person.
I’m a little fucking ray o sunshine today, aren’t I?
Is it loading slowly for everyone? It’s not for me, but I’m on a high speed connection…
Please let me know.
AAG,
Loading fine for me on both of my machines.
Pete
I’ve been noticing that it hangs up a little when you first open it in my Firefox. Like some link or something is timing out, maybe.
Hi AAG,
One of my favorite quotes re: this situation is this:
“Deserve’s got nothing to do with it” William Munny, Unforgiven
As far as M-X being in a cynical, bad mood, it’s all my fault. I told her that I was her ‘huggy bear’.
Hey, I tried.
Chuck
Grumble.
It’s alllllways something, isn’t it?
Always some vile scheme to deprive me of my wankin’ time because of some silly coding issue.
Coding, wanking, coding, wanking…which will it be?
It’s a little slow, it seems to be the ads, ad servers are notoriously over burdened.
They all need to see strength and capability in a man, not just in me. Don’t they?
As someone who grew up under the bad marriage my parents persisted with until I accidently provided the last straw (long story) I can safely say this:
They need NOT see the lack of strength with parents unable to contain their unhappiness, resentment and anger with eachother if they persist with an unsuccessful marriage.
My mother tried to hold it all together and just make do but the dam came tumbling down. The reason it was so unpleasant at the time because of the DECADES of troubled waters behind.
If you’re going, get going. Worry about things WHEN they happen, not IF they happen.
Your blog loads nice and quickly, because I have Flash turned off.
One of your blog ads is a Flash animation. I’ll bet that’s what’s constpiating those “tubes” on the Internets.
As for neediness: You’re human. You have needs. We all do. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Your kids need to see that too: courage isn’t being perfect or stone-cold or never showing weakness, courage is soldiering on despite your weaknesses, and whatever is thrown at you.
Also, humans are resilient. People have survived worse. You’re already raising kids by yourself, so the only thing that might change is no longer having a man around that you don’t like, to get in your way, or make demands on you. It could be e a win overall for you and your kids.
Lean on your friends when you need them. That’s what friends are for. And you will find out which are your real friends — those that stay with you through thick and thin. So tell your man-friend. Cry if you need to. But be careful not to let the intimacy of sharing your dark thoughts transmogrify into the other kind of intimacy. Save that for another time.