The Grammar, It Saddens Me

The email introductions I get via my various dating sites at times make the cranky old English teacher in me roll her eyes in annoyance and reach for the red pen.

Or hit the delete button in horror. Honestly. I’ve read messages while mousing over the delete icon, ready to click at the first hint of grammatical egregiousness.

Sometimes it’s just that bad.

I know I’m a grammar snob, and I don’t get terribly particular about little slip-ups. But the bigger stuff? It makes me weep.

Read and mourn with me:

• We need to play im so board right now i would love to play tonight! (Baby, you are going to have to do better than that. I don’t “play” with people who want to be with me as an alternative to boredom. If you are that bored, watch some tv. Read a book. Do a crossword puzzle. Grab a dictionary and learn the difference between “board” and “bored.” Sex to alleviate boredom? No thank you.)

• I think we could get a long good, I’ve included my profile. If your intristed (which I know you will be), drop me a line. (Wow. He’s reading my mind after viewing a few sentences about me. I should be impressed, but I’m so not.)

• Let me give you something to wet you’re appetite! (Blinding pain! Delete! Delete! Delete! I prefer my appetite to be completely, utterly dry.)

• You peek/peak my interest! (No. No I don’t. Trust me on this one. I don’t.)

• I know you said you can’t host, I got a sweet little flatbed truck, I was thinkin we could take it out for a ride in the country and do it on the flatbed. Does that sound good to you? (Actually it doesn’t. Sorry.)

• Saw your profile and I think you deserve a chance to get to know me. (While this is not strictly an example of lousy grammar, it’s so horrible that I had to include it here. I wanted to respond with this: “For the love of God please don’t try any further to inflict your wonderful-ness on me.” Instead, I held in the snark and simply hit the “not interested” button.)

And finally, my all-time least favorite:

• Want me to masterbate for you? (Misspelling “masturbate” in this manner is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Please get it right. We all do it. Learn to spell it! I’m thinking that this word really should be on spelling lists–monthly, at least!–starting in elementary school. It’s just that important.)

Turn me on with good grammar, baby. Please. In the comments. Make me hot. Go!

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PS–Swag. Tomorrow. Be here.